Human Behavior

"And there is no map. And a compass wouldn't help at all"
       ~ "Human Behavior"
           Bjork

September 21
 
Kayla:  How are ya'?
  
Brittany:  Good I guess.  Still half-way sick, but better than 3 or 4 days ago.
  
Kayla:  Oh no!  What kind of sick? Cold or something?
  
Brittany:  Yeah, I guess.  I thought it was allergies when I went to get my other nostril pierced with Carly, but it got worse pretty quickly.

Kayla:  Sounds like the crud I had. I'm all better now, but it was pretty miserable.
  
Brittany:  It’s probably the weather changing like it has been.  That night it was all grey and rainy.
  
Kayla:  Yeah, you're probably right.  How have the voice lessons and such been going?
  
Brittany:  Making progress, but it's been a little slow for a few days. I can barely talk with any voice.
  
Kayla:  Yeah, I can see how that might put a damper on things.  Did you and Carly get all the drama taken care of? (I never did get if that was your drama or hers...)
  
Brittany:  It was my drama.  Hanging out with her made me feel a bit better though.  And somehow getting stabbed with a needle helps too.  Lol.
  
Kayla:  Er... wha?

Brittany:  I got the other nostril pierced, so they both have piercings now.
  
Kayla:  Oh! I forgot about the piercing!  Do you like how it looks?
  
Brittany:  Yeah. They're even now; both purple.  Stud on one side, a little hoop on the other.
  
Kayla:  Fun! Need pics!
  
Brittany:  I'll post something soon, when I don't look like I'm all spun out. lol
  
Kayla:  Cool. And I'm glad you fixed your broken heart (at least a little). I didn't even know you were in a relationship. (I feel so behind!)
  
Brittany:  I'm not. It was best friend drama. Not the first time.  The best friends were supposedly going to call me with Labor Day camping info.
  
Kayla:  Oh crap. That's worse. Are you guys ok now? (fyi - we will change names to protect the innocent... or... not so innocent.)
  
Brittany:  The thing about camping is I'm sometimes happier during those 3 days than the other 362 combined. And they should really know that by now.
  
Kayla:  I understand.  You were counting on these plans.
  
Brittany:  Stuff like that has happened before with them. Generally minor. Camping is a bigger deal.  That's sort of like chosen family in a way, and I missed it, so I felt excluded.
  
Kayla:  That sucks. And they just never called? Did they go without you, or they just didn't go?
  
Brittany:    I don't know if they went or not. Probably. Either way, if you say you're going to call about something, anyone who has known me for 5 minutes knows it's important, call.
  
Kayla:  Ah. Gotcha. I can understand if they wanted to get away just the 2 of them, but if that's what they wanted to do, then don't mention it to you at all. That's just crappy.  And, yeah... Brittany does not put up with being stood up. It's the Law.
  
Brittany:  It's like they'll do something amazing like the party, then fuck me off, then eventually some nice thing, or even some amazing thing, then again and it works every time. lol.  No one else can get away with that shit.
  
Kayla:  So it IS like family, then. ;)
  
Brittany:  I haven't talked to either of them since before that weekend. Not sure I can do it in a constructive manner yet since, to me, it was worse than just general flakiness.

But that's my drama.  When something bothers me that much, it's usually complicated.

Kayla:  Relationships between humans, friendships or otherwise, are ALWAYS complicated. It's the way of things.  It's not just you.

Content removed by Brittany:  Complicated, personal relationship stuff, but I'll post a more in-depth entry soon.
  
Brittany:  Even right before I overdosed last summer, they (as a single unit) were one of 3 people I sent any information to.  But no one knew until days later except the people I emailed about what I wanted done after I was dead and such.
  
Kayla:  Yeah, that's family.  What did you OD on? (dare I ask?)
  
Brittany:  20k MG variety pack.
  
Kayla:  ... you lost me on that one... what's MG?
  
Brittany:  Milligrams.  Seroquel, Xanax, Ambien.
  
Kayla:  Oh lordy, child. Were you trying to kill yourself? (seriously, were you??)
  
Brittany:  Why else would I email people before doing it?  Lol.  But I'm over it now.  Bullets seemed too messy for someone to discover.  I took Ambien first and waited a bit so I wouldn't puke.  That actually worked.  I woke up 3 days later in the St. Francis cardio unit.
  
Kayla:  Oh, sorry, I got confused... you emailed them BEFORE. (I misread and thought it was after)

Jesus. Why?  No, fuck why.  Mostly, how did you get far enough away from it (that suicidal mindset) to get some perspective?  I know depression.  I know how mucky and sticky it can be.  What got you out of it?

Brittany:  I guess I just said I can't be afraid of anything, if not death.  I just decided I was going to do the things I want to do.

Kayla:  Good.  (sigh of relief)  You've talked to your therapist about all that, right?  I'm way too mother hen about my friends not to worry a little, even if it was forever ago.

Brittany:  I've talked to him.  It's kind of a non-issue now, I guess.  That was last year, and there were factors in my life then that aren't really here now.  Still, it seems weird that it only happened a year ago.
  
Kayla:  This may seem out of left field, but it's probably not... do you think your gender issues had anything to do with it?
  
Brittany:  It does sort of alter your perspective
  
Kayla:  What alters your perspective? Being suicidal, or gender issues?
  
Brittany:  They (the gender issues) were part of it.  Some depression in general.  Dissatisfied with personal relationships, did the whole thing 2 days before what would have been Marta's birthday (she died last April).
  
Kayla:  Ohhh.... I know her death was really rough on you (I can't imagine how it wouldn't be).
  
Brittany:  Rougher than I really acknowledged publicly I guess, but there were people who had more reason to hurt than I did.
  
Kayla:  Still, I know you were really close to her. I know she meant a lot to you. I never even met her, and I knew that.  How did she die? I don't know if I ever really knew... I just remember hearing that she did.
  
Brittany:  She overdosed.  Accidental.
  
Kayla:  Oh hell. Is that why you chose the method you did?
  
Brittany:  Not really.  I just figured it was the cleanest method that would minimize trauma for other people.
  
Kayla:  That makes sense. Well... I'm glad it didn't work.
  
Brittany:  I guess I am too, now that it's out of my system.
  
Kayla:  :)  You've got work to do here, anyway.

By the way, I've only got about another 5 minutes. Then I have to feed my people.
  
Brittany:  Lol.  Just throw some meat at them.  Or peanuts or something.
  
Kayla:  I sort of am.  I’m cooking a big chicken at the mo'.  It might hurt if I throw the whole thing, though.
  
Brittany:  But hilarity would result.
  
Kayla:  True. And I could use some hilarity. Shake things up a bit.  Maybe I should video tape it.
  
Before I go, have there been any noticeable changes lately?

Brittany:  A bit better with my voice.  Usually.  I’m about an A-cup now.  And somehow I've gained some breast size, yet lost 5 lbs.  As far as I can tell, it's probably muscle mass that made up those 5 lbs, which is good I guess.  I still have the tone from working out.
  
Kayla:  I need to start doing that, too (working out). Need to get back into my yoga.
  
Brittany:  I’m sort of interested in trying that, but now I run 2 miles in the morning and do weights 3 times a week.  I run 2 miles before I smoke a cigarette. lol
  
Kayla:  (Laugh)  That's brilliant.

All right... I'm gonna' get off here. Gotta' do some last minute clean up.  And my chicken needs attention now.
  
Brittany:  ‘Kay. Have fun. Email me in a few days or something.
  
Kayla:  Will do. Have a good night.