Chat: How Brittany & Angela Survive the Holidays (Thanksgiving Edition)

In which Brittany and Angela discuss the weather, Thanksgiving, anti-sex trafficking legislation, and politics, until our heroes get distracted by holiday booze...

Brittany:  How have you been?

Angela:  Been ok. Adjusting to the cold sooner than I'm used to, but I don't mind.

Found out my job is gonna be closed the day before Thanksgiving, so that's pretty awesome

What about you?

Brittany:  I don't mind it either. My favorite season in MN wasn't winter, but here winter is easy.

Mine is closed after, but not before.

Angela:  I miss northern winters, honestly

Brittany:  Yeah. When it snowed, people didn't totally lose their shit like here.

Angela:  Lol, right?

Brittany:  We had windows open yesterday for a while but heat on now. So random sometimes.

Angela:  I know; today was a big drop. But... it helps make it feel like the holidays.

What are you guys doing for Turkey Day?

Brittany:  Same. My dad is having Thanksgiving at his place. First time in a while, so we're doing that. All these people from his wife's family moved back to OK for various reasons, so going to be a big crowd.

Angela:  Lol, mine will be just the opposite. It'll just be me, hubby, and my 2 direct offispring at my dad's. My stepkids will be with their mom this year, and my brother's gotta work (yay, capitalism!) so his fam won't be there either. Up in the air as to whether we're hitting my in-laws after. 

But, so... do you know your stepmom's family very well?

Brittany:  They're doing it around lunch, which normally used to annoy me, but it allows us to go to Michelle's family for dinner.

Angela:  Are you bringing your whole household with you?

Brittany:  And not very well, other than a couple of her kids. I don't even know if they all know I'm trans, let alone poly. And yeah, we're all going to that, but the girls will be with their dad for dinner.

Angela:  Lol, that was gonna be my next question - are you worried at all about how they'll react to your "big gay family?" 😉

Brittany:  Not real worried. The main guy who was up north for so long is liberal as fuck, but you never know even then. As far as these other people coming, I don't even know what to expect.

I can handle it though. I'm hard like that.

Angela:  I know you can. ✊
I'm glad your dad finally came around so you can do family stuff like this. I know a lot of trans people can't.

Brittany:  Yeah. Some of us lose family relationships completely. He took a while, but he got there.

True.

He said like 25ish people. Some of them must be friends of her family.

Angela:  Well, that should be fun! O.o

How is Michelle's family with her bringing her two SOs?

Brittany:  They're cool with it. She came out as pan and poly a long time ago. Plus they aren't much older than I am, so they're not all super old fashioned.

Angela:  Yay! 🙂

Brittany:  Yeah. It's funny in a way. She's 28, and her parents are over there being less than decade older than I am. Such a cradle robber.

Angela:  Lol, we're so old.

Brittany:  She has 2 brothers. Not going to be a huge crowd like at my dad's.

Angela:  That's nice.

Are you guys bringing anything, to either shindig?

Brittany:  Potato salad to my dad's. More of that and some veggies for Michelle's

Angela:  Cool. I'm doing pies. 2, I think. My folks are actually getting catering from Zoe's. They usually cook, but are literally calling it in this year, lol.

Brittany:  My dad usually does most of the cooking at his place. He's just doing it as buffet and eat when you want because he got tired of people never being on time.

Angela:  Yeah, that's hard when you have a billion people coming.
Ok, so challenge question for all our LGBTQ friends out there who might be estranged from their families - do you, Brittany, know if the Equality Center is doing any holiday stuff? (I meant to google before we chatted and failed. Obviously.)

Brittany:  They generally do. I'll look up the time real quick.

November 23rd Thanksgiving dinner. Not clear on the time from their site.

Angela:  FTW! I remember a friend of ours used to do what he called "Un-Thanksgiving" and invited all his friends. What a lot of people call a Friendsgiving these days. That was always so much fun.

Brittany (Still doing her due diligence):  Ok. Tried FB. It's November 22nd, from noon to 3pm.

Angela (Still being a slacker):  Oh good! Thank you!

Brittany:  Link to their events: https://www.facebook.com/events/449096908947775/

Oklahomans for Equality

Non-profit organisation

621 E 4th St, Tulsa, Oklahoma 74120

Angela:  You are so good. 😊

Brittany:  I know right.

Angela:  😘
So, I started seeing a therapist (some depression and stress I need to work through), and one of the first questions she asked me is whether politics was stressing me out. And it made me wonder, do you have a lot of clients who come to you with politics-induced anxiety?

Brittany:  Yeah. It's sadly common. Everything from what you're describing to people scared to death after SESTA/FOSTA mad sex work more dangerous.

Angela:  What's SESTA/FOSTA?

Brittany:  The poorly thought out anti sex trafficking bill they passed a while back. What ends up happening is it pushes sex workers and trafficking victims further underground because web sites who were allowing it either shut down those sections or closed entirely.

Angela:  Ohhh, I did hear about that. I just didn't know the acronyms.

Brittany:  Yeah. The only senators who voted against it were Wydon and Rand Paul.

Angela:  Wydon? What state's (s)he out of?

Brittany:  I'm obviously all for fighting trafficking, but I feel like they actually made law enforcement's job harder, and people doing sex work by choice are finding it harder to vet clients.

Oregon

Ron Wyden. Spelled it wrong.

Like now they can't go online to work either. I was like WTF.

Angela:  Right.

Brittany:  Wyden actually understood the problem, I think. For Paul, it was just about censorship.

Angela:  And this got VERY little attention... but it sounds like your clients know about it. It's probably because people don't pay much attention to politics unless it affects them directly. 😕

Brittany:  A few of them are or have been sex workers.

Angela:  I figured. And I am SO glad sex workers have someone like you that they can talk to. Talk about a demographic pushed into the shadows. 

I've always thought sex work should be legalized so it could be regulated and sex workers could have some protections

Brittany:  Yeah, but not so overly regulated that it effectively makes it almost impossible to make any money. I'm more for decriminalization.

Angela:  That makes sense.

Brittany:  I've heard people say legalize it but push them out to the edges of town where, A) it could be harder to work, and 😎 they'd be isolated

That happy face was supposed to be a letter B.

Angela:  Lol, I figured

But no, that's not ok. :( 

Brittany:  Fuckin emojis. Can't even avoid them on a computer anymore. (Says old lady Brittany.)

Angela:  People are so fucking stupid about this kind of stuff. I get wanting sex work to be discreet, but I mean... people manage to keep their free sex lives discreet, I don't see why this should be any different.

Brittany:  Yeah, and you could actually be discreet on like Backpage, but doing that online just got a lot harder, and some have gone to the streets.

Angela:  Ugh. 😔

Brittany:  Well, this conversation took an unexpected turn.

Angela:  Lol, right?? But that's ok. It's what people are dealing with.

Brittany:  True. And a lot of trans women end up in sex work.

Angela:  Why do you think that is?

Brittany:  Employment discrimination, lack of other financial support.

Angela:  I thought it might be that. I wish it were rather that they just love sex so much that they feel they have a calling, lol. But I guess not many people, trans or otherwise, just want to sleep with other people for a living.

Brittany:  Yeah. It's usually a choice for lack of more appealing choices.

Angela:  Sigh... All the more reason to fight hard for trans rights in the workplace - anti discrimination laws, etc.

Brittany:  And a living wage.

Angela:  Yes. For trans and everyone. ... Evolving society is hard. 😔

Brittany:  I can't imagine trying to fund a transition on $7.25 an hour.

Angela:  But... I feel like the left is getting a lot more blatant with what we're fighting for now. 

Gods, I can't imagine paying for groceries on that. 😕

Brittany:  Yeah. Weird thing we might actually be able to thank the right for, ironically. Finally pushed us too far.

Angela:  Yep. Lol, I remember a conservative friend of mine posting some shit about "men dressed as women" in women's restrooms awhile back, and I finally commented about what a bigoted post it was. I try not to be combative on other people's posts, but sometimes, when it falls under that "going after other people's rights" umbrella, I just can't help myself.

Brittany:  Yeah. I'll let some minor disagreements go, but I'll start shit over statements like that.

My dad is fairly conservative, but not so much on those issues.

That's a thing I miss about my mom. She was the only other solid liberal in my bio family.

Angela:  Yeah. Mine, too. Though, he's an old-school fiscal conservative, and he is horrified by Trump.

I understand that. My mom's side was the liberal side, too. Funny that liberalism is almost a feminine thing.

Brittany:  Yeah. Fine though. Give matriarchy a chance.

Angela:  Yeah, I'm ready. 

Brittany:  Same.

Angela:  The House is looking a lot more matriarchal these days. 🙂

Brittany:  Yeah. I was happy with that. Even here, we have a woman going to the house, and Provenzano won her state seat. She was the only flip I predicted in OK.

Angela:  I know! 💙💙💙

Brittany:  She was kind of like the popular kid running for student body president. I knew she'd win. The US House seat surprised me though.

Angela:  Kendra Horn? I was pretty excited about that one

Brittany:  Yeah.

Angela:  One of the few light points coming out of Oklahoma in that election.

Brittany:  True. At least something genuinely surprised me that day.

Angela:  Well, and we had a few more state level positions go to teachers and other Dems. I think the GOP's grip is slipping, just a bit.

Brittany:  If they don't evolve, they'll probably be a thing of the past sooner than later.

Angela:  Well, yeah. I gotta believe that. I think the louder we are, the more likely change will come faster. There will be a lot of casualties along the way, because the bigots won't give up without a fight, often a physical one. But we just have to keep at it. Get louder and more blatant and refuse to hide.

Brittany:  That's pretty much my philosophy. Loud and proud.

Angela:  Sidenote - Shit. My friend just posted she started her aged eggnog and I haven't started mine yet! How the hell are we gonna get properly schnockered by Christmas??? Lol

Brittany:  Haha. I used to like eggnog well enough back when I drank alcohol.

Angela:  Man, we made it last year, the stuff that sets up for weeks before you can drink it, and that shit was STRONG. Thinking, if we make it this year, I might have to cut mine with some of the store bought stuff.

Brittany:  My dad probably has some store bought stuff. Never known him to make it.

Angela:  Mine, too. That's what most people do - buy it at the store and add booze (or don't) to your liking. But, being my weird foodie self, I gotta try the old fashioned way.

Brittany:  My dad's office in his house is practically enough to stock a liquor store.

Angela:  Wowwww! He should make his own eggnog. 😉

Brittany:  He doesn't seem to drink it heavily, but holiday people will for sure. Then he'll be all mad because they'll drink the fancy shit. I've seen this show before.

Angela:  Lol! Well, he should hide the fancy shit if he doesn't want it drunk.

Brittany:  He should, but probably won't.

Angela:  What can you do? 🤷‍♀️

Brittany:  I like to stick with my weed though. Maybe I'll smoke before I go in, so my sarcasm is 100% if I need it.

Angela:  LOL! Yes!

Brittany:  Can't wait till I can get medical instead of obtaining it the old timey way.

Angela:  Right? Have you gotten a referral yet?

Brittany:  I'm approved and all. Just waiting on dispensaries. I guess some are open around OKC, but I'm not going all the way out there to get weed. 

Angela:  I know you can buy plants locally, but I don't think it's available dried yet.

Brittany:  Nothing is really available here yet. Buying it legally in NV was sorts fun though.

Angela:  I wanna go to Colorado and see the dispensaries there.

Brittany:  Never bought any there, but we only stayed one night on the way back.

There was a place right by the hotel in Grand Junction.

Angela:  That's cool. Someday...

Brittany:  Probably a good spot. Like, "Hey bitches from OK, TX, WY, etc. in the hotel. Come to the weed store."

Angela:  Lol! Yes. Like the Pied Piper of weed.

Brittany:  Should probably wrap this up soon. I think we're going to go out to eat.

Angela:  I was just thinking the same. I need to get back to cooking.

Brittany:  Sounds good. Have fun cooking and making eggnog.

Angela:  I will! And good luck with your dad's people! May they be open minded liberals or too drunk to care either way. 😉

Brittany:  Lol. Thanks 🙂

Angela:  Talk to you soon!

Read This, You Filthy Sluts

DISCLAIMER: This is not an instruction manual. If you aren't experienced with any of the things I'm writing about, and want to try any of these types of things, great, but don't try to wing it. It's never fun when someone gets hurt in a bad way. Do your research, and talk to someone reputable and knowledgeable first. I'm usually willing to answer questions, but the likelihood of me providing a physical demonstration for you is pretty low.

I'm a fan of bondage and role playing, and have mentioned it casually in a few blog posts. In the post about polyamory, I mentioned that not all poly people are kinky to dispel a stereotype. While that is true, Trisha, Michelle, and I are kinky.

Kink basically refers to sexual practices that are considered unconventional, such as BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, and Masochism), role playing, specific fetishes, like leather for example, voyeurism (enjoying watching someone else), exhibitionism (enjoying being watched), group sex, etc.

Like any sexual activity, enthusiastic consent is paramount. "Safe, sane, and consensual" is a motto a lot of kinky people use. If you don't have consent, it is sexual assault/abuse. With kink, a lot of communication needs to happen. You have to articulate what can and can't happen before doing anything. Sadly though, abuse does happen among kinky people. Fifty Shades of Grey is not something you should be using as an instruction manual. What happens in that book is abusive. Plus it's trash literature in general. Maybe if you have a copy, put it in your recycle bin so it has a chance at becoming something with more value. That should work out just fine. It's a low bar.

Communication and boundary setting are important in any relationship, and that much more so when it comes any kind of power play or infliction of pain. Always communicate with your partner(s) about boundaries, what is desired, worth exploring, and what any hard limits are. Not every kink is every kinky person's kink. I recommend just making a list and checking what you want, what's worth exploring, and what's off limits. A scene should be planned out by everyone involved before taking place.

Safe words or gestures (if you can't speak because you're using gags) are a must. If you are the dominant partner, check on your submissive partner frequently, especially if you're new to each other. Any word or gesture can be used, but common ones are "red" for stop, "yellow" for slow down, "green" for keep going. I saw some random article about common safe words a while back that said "Oklahoma" was a common safe word because that's where the fun stops. I don't know if the article was accurate, but I thought that was pretty amusing.

Personally, I identify as a switch, which means I can enjoy being submissive or dominant, but I lean strongly to the former most of the time, which surprises some people. Sometimes I actually want to give up control, which for me, and some other submissive people, is like taking a break from always being a hard core Type A personality in control in every other aspect of life. Trisha is usually more dominant sexually, and Michelle is more back and forth. There are people who live a whole lifestyle of kink all the time. For us, it's just something we enjoy casually sometimes. Personally, I enjoy being on the receiving end of language that would rightfully be considered abusive in other contexts, being in bondage and submitting to and pleasuring someone I trust sometimes. I'm kind of bratty on purpose since spanking, being restrained, candle wax, Wartenberg pinwheel (a little wheel with spikes you can roll on the skin), various other sex toys, and face slapping can be fun punishments. Sometimes I, and other subs, can reach a sort of state of mind called "subspace," where I'm in almost a sort of trance-like euphoria as a result of the pleasure/pain causing the release of adrenaline and endorphins (science!). During that state, I'm as in the moment as I ever can be, and really have no thoughts of whatever stress is currently in my life. There is also topspace, which is also like a sort of "high" and in-the-moment state, but much more focused and aware of the submissive partner's state and desires.

Of course that doesn't last forever. There is a comedown because this can be pretty tiring. That's where aftercare comes in. Aftercare is something a lot of people, including us, do after any kinky play. It's meant to help transition out of intense activity back to the real world. It can be whatever works. I'm kind of a cuddle whore anyway, so usually that and conversation do it for me. That seems to be a pretty standard aftercare. 

Play parties, where people go in a group to enjoy various kinky activities, don't really do much for me. I've been to a few. Social anxiety doesn't help. To each their own, but I don't trust people I don't know well, and I guess it's sort of an intimacy and vulnerability I share with people I'm close to, such as my partners. Like I mentioned earlier, not every kink is every kinky person's kink. Also, just because someone is another person's sub or Dom doesn't mean they're YOURS. Just FYI.

Personally, I find consensual play with power and control pleasurable. Lot's of people don't, and that's valid, and lots of people do, but it's considered taboo. Society seems to think of sex as something that just happens. Even if your taste is totally vanilla, it's really best to communicate your needs and desires and those of your partners instead of being lazy or careless, which can wind up resulting in someone being hurt or not enjoying themselves to the fullest extent possible.

This was probably one of the harder things for me to write about, and isn't specifically about any trans issues. Maybe it's just how personal all this shit is. As open as I am about pretty much everything, this is stuff that typically goes on in the privacy of a home, but maybe that's why I wanted to talk about it and maybe educate someone a little on a topic that is often stigmatized and kept in the dark. It's often assumed that there is something wrong with kinky people, but most of us are like everyone else. We just like it a little rough, which doesn't make us damaged, depraved, or traumatized, though consensual power play can be a valid way to work through trauma and reclaim your sexuality. This is largely my personal experience as a mostly submissive, and I made it a point not to spill too much tea about anyone else. I'll include a few links with more kinky info. They're mostly focused on queer women, as that's basically my experience:

Kinky Terminology

BDSM Explained by Stevie Because I Love How She Explains Things

Being a Switch

Impact Play (Spanking, etc.)

Statistics and Charts Because I'm Nerd for Such Things