Sex, Guns, and the Zombie Apocalypse

Intermission (after the party)

July 25, 2011

Brittany:  Hey. Thanks for coming to the party. Sorry I was as late as I was. Other things were interfering with my original plans to get there at 7.

Kayla:  It's all good. I understand running late for stuff. Happens to me all the time. Especially when you're relying on other people in order to do what you need to do.

Brittany:  It was fun, though. Especially the end when Crystal and I started watching True Blood and had trouble stopping.

Kayla:  Awesome. I think my friend Stefanie got into that show. I never watched it (for no particular reason other than that it just never popped up on my radar).

Brittany:  It had been a while since we had really sat around hanging out like that. We both get busy.

Kayla:  That's cool, to be able to catch up.

Brittany:  Funny though, because we're probably the least likely people at a party to stay up 'til morning like that, yet we were the only ones who did.

Kayla:  You had something worth staying up for.

Brittany:  Only ended up with a few pics, but I'll post them in an album at some point.

Kayla:  Cool.

Brittany:  No one remembered to bring a camera, including me. And with the lighting, we kinda had to use people's iphones to get decent pics.

Kayla:  I know! So stupid! Of all the parties NOT to bring a camera to... we suck. I'm sorry. And yeah, that's true. The lighting was awful for picture taking.

Brittany:  Maybe I'll work up a blog entry about the party and everything later. But I should probably go for now and get things done here.

Kayla:  Yeah, me too. Talk to ya' later.

Sex, Guns, and the Zombie Apocalypse

August 10, 2011

Kayla:  Hi.  How ya' been?

Brittany:  Good I guess. Busy mostly.

Kayla:  Busy with what? (just curious)

Brittany:  Mostly working.  I've been working on voice stuff and I'm starting to see at least a little progress.

Kayla:  Are the voice lessons hard?

Brittany:  Not really. It's mostly just a slow process--practice, etc.

Kayla:  Is it changing your voice in your day-to-day life (like, when you're not trying) yet?

Brittany:  No. Still takes more effort than that. If I tried it all day, I'd probably wear it down so it's kind of an at home thing right now.

Kayla:  It does seem like it'd be hard to keep it up all the time... at least at first.

Brittany:  The way it's done is sort of natural. The idea is that, after a while, you just have the new voice all the time.

Physically, things aren't a lot different than last time you saw me.

Kayla:  That's so cool. I can't believe how completely thorough this whole process is. I didn't know anything about the voice lessons until you told me about them.

Funny, I was just going to ask you how life on hormones was treating you.

Brittany:  Body hair growth has slowed to a crawl. I only really have to fuck with it like once a week now.

Kayla:  Are you feeling any different on the inside? Are you still bitchy(er than usual)? Do you still have to pee all the time?

Brittany:  Peeing hasn't changed much. I am more aware of my emotions, but I'm not half sociopath anymore. lol.

Kayla:  Well, that's good to know. Maybe I'll feel safe enough to talk to you in person now. (joking, of course)

Brittany:  lol

Kayla:  Just... uh... keep the gun at home, ok?  ;)

Brittany:  Yeah, that would be the time some idiot tried to steal my car from in front of your house, too. lol.
It's not like I go out of control. I wouldn't have 11 of these things if I weren't responsible about it.

Kayla:  11 of what things? (oh... your arsenal... is that what you mean?)

Brittany:  Yeah, the gun collection.  I suppose no one needs that many, but I like them.  It would be boring shooting one gun all the time at the ranges.

Kayla:  And, what are you doing with all those guns? Getting ready for the apocalypse? (it IS almost 2012, after all...)

Brittany:  Right. Lol.  Zombie apocalypse. Use guns to get more guns and food. Sit on the roof shooting zombies so they don't get in.

Kayla:  I can totally see it... and by then you should be completely changed over, so that's an even more amusing image... some chick, sitting on her roof, picking off zombies while eating hot dogs she swiped from the QuikTrip she looted in the dark of night.

Brittany:  Reminds me of when some CDC guy was talking about what to do in the event of a zombie crisis,
like he was serious. Cracked me up.  It was months ago, I think. It was all over the news.

Kayla:  I heard about that! The CDC actually put out an "official" statement on what to do "in case..."

Me, I always thought I'd need a flame thrower. You can shoot zombies all day, but they're already undead, so what good is that gonna' do? I say torch 'em 'til they're just ashes.

Brittany:  You shoot them in the head, if the movies are any indication.

Kayla:  Hollywood bullshit. What do they know? I'm telling you, the secret is fire.

Brittany:  Weird little tangent. lol

Kayla:  Hey, when you need something to talk about, there's ALWAYS the zombie apocalypse.

Brittany:  lol. Fresh on the mind, I guess. I wanted a quiet weekend, so I sat around drinking vodka and watching zombie movies I hadn't seen but wanted to.

Kayla:  I need to bone up on my zombie trivia, too.

But... back to our regularly scheduled programming... last I talked to you, you hadn't told your dad yet (but were going to). I think you said your sister was going to go with you. How did that go?

Brittany:  It went alright I guess.  He had a few questions about why.  I haven't talked to him much since then, but he seems to be handling it slowly, but fine.

Kayla:  How did you explain it to him?

Brittany:  I said that it's something I knew as soon as I figured out you could distinguish between kids by gender.  That it has nothing to do with him or with who I'm attracted to.

Kayla:  What do you mean, that last part about who you're attracted to?

Brittany:  People confuse gender with sexual preference, even though there is no relationship.  The fact that I'm primarily attracted to men doesn't have anything to do with anything.

Kayla:  I think I understand that... and I suppose... (sticky association/clarification moment here) I always thought of you as gay, but if you identify your gender as female, regardless of what you were born with, then you aren't strictly "gay" are you?

Brittany:  More straight than gay, I guess.  But it's not like a signed a pledge somewhere stating who I will and won't sleep with.

Kayla:  That's true.  People like to put everything in a box, though. They like to define their world.  It makes more sense to me, philosophically, that sexual/romantic preference should be loose. People love who they love and are attracted to who they're attracted to.

Brittany:  I don't know, people get confused.  They're like, "so you're straight?"  I'm like, "maybe, until I sleep with Rihanna or something."

Kayla:  Ha!  Do you think your gender reassignment will make dating more difficult? I know, awkward question, but apparently that's what I'm here for.

Brittany:  When I'm pre-op, yeah.  I'm not sure where I'll find dates & sex.

Kayla:  I'm sure there's gotta' be guys out there who want and "get" that... does it worry you at all?

Brittany:  There are guys all over the place who fetishize all this stuff.  I don't know that the selection within that group is real great.

Kayla:  Yeah... something about being someone's "fetish"... I don't know...

Brittany:  It's sort of a good thing my libido is low with the meds, I guess.

Kayla:  I doubt it'll stay that way.  You may never have a "typical male" drive anymore, but chicks need to get laid sometimes, too.  Seriously, though, I think it just depends on the individual.

Brittany:  I know. It doesn't lead to most of the people I've slept with.  Meat market at Majestic. lol

Kayla:  I'm sure it'll work out, though. I'm one of those saps that believes in fate, so I have no doubt you'll find the right person.

Brittany:  Really, even when I do think about it now, there's more experience of sorts in those thoughts than before.

Kayla:  You'll have to explain that one. But I gotta' go. Seriously, send me an email on the "there's more experience of sorts in those thoughts than before" thing...

Brittany:  Ok. I wrote down to do that.  I'm gonna' make a drink and go to sleep soon, I guess.

Kayla:  Good plan. I'm gonna' go get my spaghetti on. We'll talk again soon.

Brittany:  Cool. I'll email you where that got left off tomorrow.

Kayla:  Ok. Have a good night with your drink and your dreams, Britt.

Brittany:  You, too.

August 11, 2011

Brittany:  I guess I'll keep this fairly short, unless you actually want the gory details. What I meant about being more into the experience with sex is that it's not just the sex itself, which is how it used to be. Now the experience in general is equally important. Surroundings, atmosphere, mood, foreplay, role play, shit like that. Good thing, in a way. Looking at it that way, everyone is totally different and sort of new in a way. Like it's not just all about the release anymore, I guess, but just as much of how we get there.

Boxes

I don’t think it’s particularly constructive to spend a great deal of time putting people in boxes like someone with obsessive-compulsive disorder stacks pennies, nickels, dimes, and quarters in individual towers from left to right, according to value. I’m not really going to demonize people for trying to put me in boxes, given the fact that they spend at least as much time doing it to themselves and each other, but I feel as though I’m probably more sensitive and resistant to it than average.

The problem with the boxes we all create is they don’t always make as much sense as they appear to at first. Things that have nothing to do with each other get put into the same box. Either/or thinking excludes everything between ‘either’ and ‘or.’ Half the time ‘either’ and ‘or’ aren’t even opposites to begin with. Gender identity and sexual preference are constantly abused in this way.

If you’re a heterosexual woman, you’re expected to be exclusively into men. Lesbians are expected to be exclusively into other women. It works the same way if you’re male. Bisexuals are assumed to be confused,  greedy, or not half way out of the closet.  In reality, all of this is fairly fluid, subject to countless variables. I really only identify as someone who does whatever I want, but that’s just too confusing for most people. I don’t tend to refer to myself as “gay,” “straight” “bisexual,” or “lesbian” for any other reason than the convenience of others. Sometimes I’m guilty of using black and white terminology to end boring conversations.

If you’re physically transitioning from one sex to the other, a lot of people just take that to mean that you’re also becoming heterosexual, and even that heterosexuality is a primary motivation. My primary attractions are to men. That’s just how I roll. It isn’t written in stone somewhere. I didn’t sign any documents.  If I express attraction to another woman, let alone act on it, some people act like I just shot at them. It’s hilarious sometimes. If anything, there has been some increased fluidity in who I'm attracted to since beginning hormone therapy. Increased. Not new so much.  A lot of things I’m more sensitive to now aren’t really so specific to other people’s genders. And those things were there before all this to some degree or another. The fact that my sexuality in general isn’t totally one-dimensional is something I enjoy. An increased openness to experience is also something I enjoy. Plus, it gives me something to do.

As someone transitioning from male to female, I’m expected to be almost a caricature of the stereotypical, hyper-feminine woman,  as if that’s all it means to be a woman. Yeah, because that’s why I’m spending thousands of dollars doing all this--because I care so intensely what everyone thinks of me, and just want to “perform” that much more efficiently. Ironically, transgender people are big offenders in this area. If that’s who you really are, great, but I think a lot of people are probably trying to make up for lost time and end up overcompensating, not understanding why I don’t do the same.

For instance, I usually use makeup pretty much the same way most other women who wear makeup use it. I’m a jeans girl. I don’t have a dress and heels on every time I leave the house. I’m not demur. I’m not submissive unless I want to be (sometimes, but this sort of thing could be a whole separate blog entry). I don’t defer to men when I want to do something. I pack heat and happen to be a good shot. I’m good at math. I’m a computer geek. I love gory movies. I like to fuck in inappropriate places. I’m still me, just more so than I was before starting this process.

Gender is at the core of who we are. A sense of our gender and the genders of everyone around us is one of the first things people develop. Most people never have to spend a great deal of time thinking about or questioning it. But if your body doesn’t match with your brain, you will think about it a lot. My transition is not motivated by my sexuality or a desire to perform some stereotypical role. It’s something I need to do to become fully me, instead of half of me.

Conversations with Brittany

Throughout this process, Brittany and I wanted to share our conversations with our readers.  During these conversations, we talk about issues that arise from the gender transition process, we muse about social expectations and assumptions regarding gender identity, and generally shoot the shit and blow off steam.  We talk about the weird, the frustrating, the inspiring and profound.  We go off topic and amuse ourselves and are okay with the idea that some might think we're off our rockers.  Our first "captured" conversation occurred one month ago.

July 18, 2011

Kayla: I was just looking back at the Brittany party thing. How many people are coming now?

Brittany:  Shows 14 confirms and 9 maybes but some of the people who haven't replied at all will show up, so not sure exactly.

Kayla: That's cool. That's not so many people that it'll be totally overwhelming, then.  Have you told your folks yet?

Brittany:  No.  I kind of set an arbitrary deadline for before that party though.

Kayla: Is it harder than you thought? To get up the nerve to talk to them?

Brittany:  I guess so. It really seems like sort of an open secret, but it's still weird.

Kayla:    Yeah, I get that. Well... you've got 5 days, including the day of the party. No pressure, though. :}

I sort of wish you had someone that was close enough to you AND your family that could go with you to talk to them... so if things got too horribly uncomfortable, you'd have someone to leave with and talk to.

Brittany:  It could work, though. Drinking at the party would make me forget any awkwardness from a few hours prior.  But bringing someone else with would just make it weirder.

Kayla:  True! It's like people who drink before/after a self-inflicted surgery.  But, yeah... I'm sure it would be weird with someone else there.

Brittany:  Yeah.  So I'll just do it myself.

Kayla:  Like you do everything, dear. It's that pioneer spirit of yours.  I have to say, I do admire your guts.

Brittany:  It's easier that way most of the time, or at least more effective.

Kayla:   More effective to do it yourself?

Brittany:  Usually.

Kayla:  I suppose it's better than having someone like me, who's all freaked out for you, freaking you out by talking about it all the damned time. (or, that's what I imagine I might be doing, in which case I'm sorry...)

Brittany:  You're fine.  But, bringing other people would just create more variables when I want as few as possible, so I can get it done with.

Kayla:   Like a trained assassin - get in, get out, as little collateral damage as possible.

Brittany:   Haha.  Not exactly why I keep guns around, but it's an entertaining thought.

Kayla:  Well, I hope not! (the guns)  By the way, I saw you so colorfully tweeted that your “tits” were sore. (People in my office looked at me strange when I started cracking up at my desk.)  Are they growing already? Have you noticed any other obvious changes?

Brittany:  It seems like they might have grown a tiny bit.  Seems like there is more there than a month ago, but it's not likely that others can tell yet.  If it's not just me, the growth is pretty slight.

Kayla:  We should take several good photos at the party - some good profile shots, etc. A friend of mine was telling me that, when her friend went female to male, the changes were subtle but so much more obvious if you compared photos week to week. For instance, his jaw line actually got stronger over time. I didn't know that was possible (and neither did she), but she said it was pretty obvious in the photos. We might be able to tell changes like that with you if we compared them side by side.

Brittany:  True.  I figure there will be some picture taking anyway.

Kayla:  Yeah, for sure. I just want to make sure we take some good, close profile shots for this purpose. Everyone else can snap all the drunk photos they want.  ;)

Which reminds me... what will you be wearing? I have honestly never seen you dressed in anything feminine. Will you be, at the party?

Brittany:  Yeah. I'm not sure what. I'll figure it out then, but nothing elaborate. It's too fucking hot for that shit and I'm not real into frilly dresses and such anyway.

Kayla:  It is that. What about makeup? Do you "do" makeup much (beyond the obligatory Gothic eyeliner)?

Brittany:  Yeah, makeup.

Kayla:  I'm not much into frilly dresses, either. Although, when you've got more pronounced changes, I think you'd be super cute in a little sun dress. But that's just me.

Brittany:  We'll see as time goes by I guess.  I've been kind of avoiding the sun as much as I can. Heat is bad enough in the shade.

Kayla:  I just had an odd thought... do you think people expect you to be more feminine than other girls? More "made up?" I mean, I personally wear very little makeup unless it's a formal/dressy occasion, usually only eyeliner and lipstick, and often only lip balm at that, and I absolutely can't stand base. It makes me feel like I've got paint on my face.

Brittany:  Yeah.  Some people expect that.  My skin isn't great, so I do wear makeup. Sometimes makeup just generally looks good, but I'm not some caricature of a woman, but some people think that way, including a lot of trans people.

Kayla:  Right... that's what I was thinking. I think people (especially people here, with less understanding and exposure to transgender people) sort of throw all the stereotypes of what defines a particular gender at those who are transgender. Like, if you’re a transgender woman, you're supposed to be in "drag" all the time and talk like a hooker in a brothel and be completely obsessed with your looks and clothes, etc.

Kayla:  Maybe it's just me, but you never struck me as that kind of person... overdone and extreme like that.

Brittany:  Most of my friends get this stuff, but there are a few who obviously don't. I can tell who they are because they sorta disappeared.

Kayla:  What do you mean disappeared? Disappeared how? Why?

Brittany:  I don't really hear from them and haven't since I started talking about this stuff which is ok, I guess. Two people, out of however many I know, is an insignificant percentage.

Kayla:  They disappeared because you're transgender or because you don't fit their stereotype of what a transgender person should look/act like?

Brittany:  I don't know. If someone needs something explained, fine, but I don't have fucking time trying to explain things to people who just don't have the intellectual capacity to comprehend it.

Kayla:  Ha! So, I'm assuming some of these folks were just assholes all the way around about the whole thing?

Brittany:  Not really assholes. Just clueless, thinking nothing is going to change, or getting people like me confused with drag queens.

Kayla:  It makes sense that there were only a very few who bailed on you.  Seems to me like most of your friends are from "our world" (the club kids and larger body of "freaks" in the Tulsa area). I don't see any of your real friends being stupid like that.

Brittany:  Yeah. Most people don't have any issues.

Kayla:  It's the stereotypes that irritate me. You're a human being. Not a cartoon character.

Brittany:  It's 10 till 8, if you need to know.

Kayla:  Crap. I knew it was getting close. Thanks for letting me know. Ok, I'm gonna' get off here. I'll email you tomorrow and we'll work out more time to talk.

Brittany:  Cool. Ok, well have fun doing whatever you do at home. Talk to you tomorrow.