Chat: How Brittany & Angela Survive the Holidays (Thanksgiving Edition)

In which Brittany and Angela discuss the weather, Thanksgiving, anti-sex trafficking legislation, and politics, until our heroes get distracted by holiday booze...

Brittany:  How have you been?

Angela:  Been ok. Adjusting to the cold sooner than I'm used to, but I don't mind.

Found out my job is gonna be closed the day before Thanksgiving, so that's pretty awesome

What about you?

Brittany:  I don't mind it either. My favorite season in MN wasn't winter, but here winter is easy.

Mine is closed after, but not before.

Angela:  I miss northern winters, honestly

Brittany:  Yeah. When it snowed, people didn't totally lose their shit like here.

Angela:  Lol, right?

Brittany:  We had windows open yesterday for a while but heat on now. So random sometimes.

Angela:  I know; today was a big drop. But... it helps make it feel like the holidays.

What are you guys doing for Turkey Day?

Brittany:  Same. My dad is having Thanksgiving at his place. First time in a while, so we're doing that. All these people from his wife's family moved back to OK for various reasons, so going to be a big crowd.

Angela:  Lol, mine will be just the opposite. It'll just be me, hubby, and my 2 direct offispring at my dad's. My stepkids will be with their mom this year, and my brother's gotta work (yay, capitalism!) so his fam won't be there either. Up in the air as to whether we're hitting my in-laws after. 

But, so... do you know your stepmom's family very well?

Brittany:  They're doing it around lunch, which normally used to annoy me, but it allows us to go to Michelle's family for dinner.

Angela:  Are you bringing your whole household with you?

Brittany:  And not very well, other than a couple of her kids. I don't even know if they all know I'm trans, let alone poly. And yeah, we're all going to that, but the girls will be with their dad for dinner.

Angela:  Lol, that was gonna be my next question - are you worried at all about how they'll react to your "big gay family?" 😉

Brittany:  Not real worried. The main guy who was up north for so long is liberal as fuck, but you never know even then. As far as these other people coming, I don't even know what to expect.

I can handle it though. I'm hard like that.

Angela:  I know you can. ✊
I'm glad your dad finally came around so you can do family stuff like this. I know a lot of trans people can't.

Brittany:  Yeah. Some of us lose family relationships completely. He took a while, but he got there.

True.

He said like 25ish people. Some of them must be friends of her family.

Angela:  Well, that should be fun! O.o

How is Michelle's family with her bringing her two SOs?

Brittany:  They're cool with it. She came out as pan and poly a long time ago. Plus they aren't much older than I am, so they're not all super old fashioned.

Angela:  Yay! 🙂

Brittany:  Yeah. It's funny in a way. She's 28, and her parents are over there being less than decade older than I am. Such a cradle robber.

Angela:  Lol, we're so old.

Brittany:  She has 2 brothers. Not going to be a huge crowd like at my dad's.

Angela:  That's nice.

Are you guys bringing anything, to either shindig?

Brittany:  Potato salad to my dad's. More of that and some veggies for Michelle's

Angela:  Cool. I'm doing pies. 2, I think. My folks are actually getting catering from Zoe's. They usually cook, but are literally calling it in this year, lol.

Brittany:  My dad usually does most of the cooking at his place. He's just doing it as buffet and eat when you want because he got tired of people never being on time.

Angela:  Yeah, that's hard when you have a billion people coming.
Ok, so challenge question for all our LGBTQ friends out there who might be estranged from their families - do you, Brittany, know if the Equality Center is doing any holiday stuff? (I meant to google before we chatted and failed. Obviously.)

Brittany:  They generally do. I'll look up the time real quick.

November 23rd Thanksgiving dinner. Not clear on the time from their site.

Angela:  FTW! I remember a friend of ours used to do what he called "Un-Thanksgiving" and invited all his friends. What a lot of people call a Friendsgiving these days. That was always so much fun.

Brittany (Still doing her due diligence):  Ok. Tried FB. It's November 22nd, from noon to 3pm.

Angela (Still being a slacker):  Oh good! Thank you!

Brittany:  Link to their events: https://www.facebook.com/events/449096908947775/

Oklahomans for Equality

Non-profit organisation

621 E 4th St, Tulsa, Oklahoma 74120

Angela:  You are so good. 😊

Brittany:  I know right.

Angela:  😘
So, I started seeing a therapist (some depression and stress I need to work through), and one of the first questions she asked me is whether politics was stressing me out. And it made me wonder, do you have a lot of clients who come to you with politics-induced anxiety?

Brittany:  Yeah. It's sadly common. Everything from what you're describing to people scared to death after SESTA/FOSTA mad sex work more dangerous.

Angela:  What's SESTA/FOSTA?

Brittany:  The poorly thought out anti sex trafficking bill they passed a while back. What ends up happening is it pushes sex workers and trafficking victims further underground because web sites who were allowing it either shut down those sections or closed entirely.

Angela:  Ohhh, I did hear about that. I just didn't know the acronyms.

Brittany:  Yeah. The only senators who voted against it were Wydon and Rand Paul.

Angela:  Wydon? What state's (s)he out of?

Brittany:  I'm obviously all for fighting trafficking, but I feel like they actually made law enforcement's job harder, and people doing sex work by choice are finding it harder to vet clients.

Oregon

Ron Wyden. Spelled it wrong.

Like now they can't go online to work either. I was like WTF.

Angela:  Right.

Brittany:  Wyden actually understood the problem, I think. For Paul, it was just about censorship.

Angela:  And this got VERY little attention... but it sounds like your clients know about it. It's probably because people don't pay much attention to politics unless it affects them directly. 😕

Brittany:  A few of them are or have been sex workers.

Angela:  I figured. And I am SO glad sex workers have someone like you that they can talk to. Talk about a demographic pushed into the shadows. 

I've always thought sex work should be legalized so it could be regulated and sex workers could have some protections

Brittany:  Yeah, but not so overly regulated that it effectively makes it almost impossible to make any money. I'm more for decriminalization.

Angela:  That makes sense.

Brittany:  I've heard people say legalize it but push them out to the edges of town where, A) it could be harder to work, and 😎 they'd be isolated

That happy face was supposed to be a letter B.

Angela:  Lol, I figured

But no, that's not ok. :( 

Brittany:  Fuckin emojis. Can't even avoid them on a computer anymore. (Says old lady Brittany.)

Angela:  People are so fucking stupid about this kind of stuff. I get wanting sex work to be discreet, but I mean... people manage to keep their free sex lives discreet, I don't see why this should be any different.

Brittany:  Yeah, and you could actually be discreet on like Backpage, but doing that online just got a lot harder, and some have gone to the streets.

Angela:  Ugh. 😔

Brittany:  Well, this conversation took an unexpected turn.

Angela:  Lol, right?? But that's ok. It's what people are dealing with.

Brittany:  True. And a lot of trans women end up in sex work.

Angela:  Why do you think that is?

Brittany:  Employment discrimination, lack of other financial support.

Angela:  I thought it might be that. I wish it were rather that they just love sex so much that they feel they have a calling, lol. But I guess not many people, trans or otherwise, just want to sleep with other people for a living.

Brittany:  Yeah. It's usually a choice for lack of more appealing choices.

Angela:  Sigh... All the more reason to fight hard for trans rights in the workplace - anti discrimination laws, etc.

Brittany:  And a living wage.

Angela:  Yes. For trans and everyone. ... Evolving society is hard. 😔

Brittany:  I can't imagine trying to fund a transition on $7.25 an hour.

Angela:  But... I feel like the left is getting a lot more blatant with what we're fighting for now. 

Gods, I can't imagine paying for groceries on that. 😕

Brittany:  Yeah. Weird thing we might actually be able to thank the right for, ironically. Finally pushed us too far.

Angela:  Yep. Lol, I remember a conservative friend of mine posting some shit about "men dressed as women" in women's restrooms awhile back, and I finally commented about what a bigoted post it was. I try not to be combative on other people's posts, but sometimes, when it falls under that "going after other people's rights" umbrella, I just can't help myself.

Brittany:  Yeah. I'll let some minor disagreements go, but I'll start shit over statements like that.

My dad is fairly conservative, but not so much on those issues.

That's a thing I miss about my mom. She was the only other solid liberal in my bio family.

Angela:  Yeah. Mine, too. Though, he's an old-school fiscal conservative, and he is horrified by Trump.

I understand that. My mom's side was the liberal side, too. Funny that liberalism is almost a feminine thing.

Brittany:  Yeah. Fine though. Give matriarchy a chance.

Angela:  Yeah, I'm ready. 

Brittany:  Same.

Angela:  The House is looking a lot more matriarchal these days. 🙂

Brittany:  Yeah. I was happy with that. Even here, we have a woman going to the house, and Provenzano won her state seat. She was the only flip I predicted in OK.

Angela:  I know! 💙💙💙

Brittany:  She was kind of like the popular kid running for student body president. I knew she'd win. The US House seat surprised me though.

Angela:  Kendra Horn? I was pretty excited about that one

Brittany:  Yeah.

Angela:  One of the few light points coming out of Oklahoma in that election.

Brittany:  True. At least something genuinely surprised me that day.

Angela:  Well, and we had a few more state level positions go to teachers and other Dems. I think the GOP's grip is slipping, just a bit.

Brittany:  If they don't evolve, they'll probably be a thing of the past sooner than later.

Angela:  Well, yeah. I gotta believe that. I think the louder we are, the more likely change will come faster. There will be a lot of casualties along the way, because the bigots won't give up without a fight, often a physical one. But we just have to keep at it. Get louder and more blatant and refuse to hide.

Brittany:  That's pretty much my philosophy. Loud and proud.

Angela:  Sidenote - Shit. My friend just posted she started her aged eggnog and I haven't started mine yet! How the hell are we gonna get properly schnockered by Christmas??? Lol

Brittany:  Haha. I used to like eggnog well enough back when I drank alcohol.

Angela:  Man, we made it last year, the stuff that sets up for weeks before you can drink it, and that shit was STRONG. Thinking, if we make it this year, I might have to cut mine with some of the store bought stuff.

Brittany:  My dad probably has some store bought stuff. Never known him to make it.

Angela:  Mine, too. That's what most people do - buy it at the store and add booze (or don't) to your liking. But, being my weird foodie self, I gotta try the old fashioned way.

Brittany:  My dad's office in his house is practically enough to stock a liquor store.

Angela:  Wowwww! He should make his own eggnog. 😉

Brittany:  He doesn't seem to drink it heavily, but holiday people will for sure. Then he'll be all mad because they'll drink the fancy shit. I've seen this show before.

Angela:  Lol! Well, he should hide the fancy shit if he doesn't want it drunk.

Brittany:  He should, but probably won't.

Angela:  What can you do? 🤷‍♀️

Brittany:  I like to stick with my weed though. Maybe I'll smoke before I go in, so my sarcasm is 100% if I need it.

Angela:  LOL! Yes!

Brittany:  Can't wait till I can get medical instead of obtaining it the old timey way.

Angela:  Right? Have you gotten a referral yet?

Brittany:  I'm approved and all. Just waiting on dispensaries. I guess some are open around OKC, but I'm not going all the way out there to get weed. 

Angela:  I know you can buy plants locally, but I don't think it's available dried yet.

Brittany:  Nothing is really available here yet. Buying it legally in NV was sorts fun though.

Angela:  I wanna go to Colorado and see the dispensaries there.

Brittany:  Never bought any there, but we only stayed one night on the way back.

There was a place right by the hotel in Grand Junction.

Angela:  That's cool. Someday...

Brittany:  Probably a good spot. Like, "Hey bitches from OK, TX, WY, etc. in the hotel. Come to the weed store."

Angela:  Lol! Yes. Like the Pied Piper of weed.

Brittany:  Should probably wrap this up soon. I think we're going to go out to eat.

Angela:  I was just thinking the same. I need to get back to cooking.

Brittany:  Sounds good. Have fun cooking and making eggnog.

Angela:  I will! And good luck with your dad's people! May they be open minded liberals or too drunk to care either way. 😉

Brittany:  Lol. Thanks 🙂

Angela:  Talk to you soon!

Read This, You Filthy Sluts

DISCLAIMER: This is not an instruction manual. If you aren't experienced with any of the things I'm writing about, and want to try any of these types of things, great, but don't try to wing it. It's never fun when someone gets hurt in a bad way. Do your research, and talk to someone reputable and knowledgeable first. I'm usually willing to answer questions, but the likelihood of me providing a physical demonstration for you is pretty low.

I'm a fan of bondage and role playing, and have mentioned it casually in a few blog posts. In the post about polyamory, I mentioned that not all poly people are kinky to dispel a stereotype. While that is true, Trisha, Michelle, and I are kinky.

Kink basically refers to sexual practices that are considered unconventional, such as BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism, and Masochism), role playing, specific fetishes, like leather for example, voyeurism (enjoying watching someone else), exhibitionism (enjoying being watched), group sex, etc.

Like any sexual activity, enthusiastic consent is paramount. "Safe, sane, and consensual" is a motto a lot of kinky people use. If you don't have consent, it is sexual assault/abuse. With kink, a lot of communication needs to happen. You have to articulate what can and can't happen before doing anything. Sadly though, abuse does happen among kinky people. Fifty Shades of Grey is not something you should be using as an instruction manual. What happens in that book is abusive. Plus it's trash literature in general. Maybe if you have a copy, put it in your recycle bin so it has a chance at becoming something with more value. That should work out just fine. It's a low bar.

Communication and boundary setting are important in any relationship, and that much more so when it comes any kind of power play or infliction of pain. Always communicate with your partner(s) about boundaries, what is desired, worth exploring, and what any hard limits are. Not every kink is every kinky person's kink. I recommend just making a list and checking what you want, what's worth exploring, and what's off limits. A scene should be planned out by everyone involved before taking place.

Safe words or gestures (if you can't speak because you're using gags) are a must. If you are the dominant partner, check on your submissive partner frequently, especially if you're new to each other. Any word or gesture can be used, but common ones are "red" for stop, "yellow" for slow down, "green" for keep going. I saw some random article about common safe words a while back that said "Oklahoma" was a common safe word because that's where the fun stops. I don't know if the article was accurate, but I thought that was pretty amusing.

Personally, I identify as a switch, which means I can enjoy being submissive or dominant, but I lean strongly to the former most of the time, which surprises some people. Sometimes I actually want to give up control, which for me, and some other submissive people, is like taking a break from always being a hard core Type A personality in control in every other aspect of life. Trisha is usually more dominant sexually, and Michelle is more back and forth. There are people who live a whole lifestyle of kink all the time. For us, it's just something we enjoy casually sometimes. Personally, I enjoy being on the receiving end of language that would rightfully be considered abusive in other contexts, being in bondage and submitting to and pleasuring someone I trust sometimes. I'm kind of bratty on purpose since spanking, being restrained, candle wax, Wartenberg pinwheel (a little wheel with spikes you can roll on the skin), various other sex toys, and face slapping can be fun punishments. Sometimes I, and other subs, can reach a sort of state of mind called "subspace," where I'm in almost a sort of trance-like euphoria as a result of the pleasure/pain causing the release of adrenaline and endorphins (science!). During that state, I'm as in the moment as I ever can be, and really have no thoughts of whatever stress is currently in my life. There is also topspace, which is also like a sort of "high" and in-the-moment state, but much more focused and aware of the submissive partner's state and desires.

Of course that doesn't last forever. There is a comedown because this can be pretty tiring. That's where aftercare comes in. Aftercare is something a lot of people, including us, do after any kinky play. It's meant to help transition out of intense activity back to the real world. It can be whatever works. I'm kind of a cuddle whore anyway, so usually that and conversation do it for me. That seems to be a pretty standard aftercare. 

Play parties, where people go in a group to enjoy various kinky activities, don't really do much for me. I've been to a few. Social anxiety doesn't help. To each their own, but I don't trust people I don't know well, and I guess it's sort of an intimacy and vulnerability I share with people I'm close to, such as my partners. Like I mentioned earlier, not every kink is every kinky person's kink. Also, just because someone is another person's sub or Dom doesn't mean they're YOURS. Just FYI.

Personally, I find consensual play with power and control pleasurable. Lot's of people don't, and that's valid, and lots of people do, but it's considered taboo. Society seems to think of sex as something that just happens. Even if your taste is totally vanilla, it's really best to communicate your needs and desires and those of your partners instead of being lazy or careless, which can wind up resulting in someone being hurt or not enjoying themselves to the fullest extent possible.

This was probably one of the harder things for me to write about, and isn't specifically about any trans issues. Maybe it's just how personal all this shit is. As open as I am about pretty much everything, this is stuff that typically goes on in the privacy of a home, but maybe that's why I wanted to talk about it and maybe educate someone a little on a topic that is often stigmatized and kept in the dark. It's often assumed that there is something wrong with kinky people, but most of us are like everyone else. We just like it a little rough, which doesn't make us damaged, depraved, or traumatized, though consensual power play can be a valid way to work through trauma and reclaim your sexuality. This is largely my personal experience as a mostly submissive, and I made it a point not to spill too much tea about anyone else. I'll include a few links with more kinky info. They're mostly focused on queer women, as that's basically my experience:

Kinky Terminology

BDSM Explained by Stevie Because I Love How She Explains Things

Being a Switch

Impact Play (Spanking, etc.)

Statistics and Charts Because I'm Nerd for Such Things

This Shit Gay AF

I forgot to post something Pride-related during Pride Month (June). I mean, honestly though, every month is Pride for me. I keep at 5 by 3 foot rainbow flag on the wall in our gaming room literally all year long. And of course, some cities have Pride celebrations outside of June for various reasons.

The first time I went to an LGBTQ+ Pride celebration was Tulsa Pride in 1996. At the time Tulsa Pride was pretty young, with the first having been in 1983. I was also fairly young (18), and somewhat unsure of and experimenting with where I fit within the the sexuality and gender spectrums, but I had that feeling one occasionally has in the right environment where I felt at home. Since then I've only missed a few scattered years, mostly when I was getting my undergraduate degree in Tahlequah, OK. They didn't have Pride events there then, being a small college town, though 5 years ago they began having Pride celebrations, so things are gradually progressing there.

Since then I've come to understand myself as a transgender lesbian woman. My partners are queer cis-gender women, and our oldest daughter, who posseses a self awareness I wish I had as a kid came out as bisexual about 3 years ago, at age 11.

The point of Pride celebrations is to celebrate who we are in a world that doesn't otherwise make any effort to uplift us, build community, be visible, and stand against the all too common discrimination and violence against the LGBTQ+ population.

I want to post a brief history of Pride. I'm totally gay for history like that. A little internet searching can take you into greater detail if you're inclined.

There were earlier uprisings such as Compton's Cafeteria in San Francisco. Police raiding gay bars back then was pretty common. Trans women and drag queens would be arrested. On June 28, 1969, patrons of Stonewall Inn bar in Manhattan (now a national monument at it's current location. Thanks Obama <3) finally got fed up and rioted. Bystanders joined in. That went on all night and some beyond that. If you've seen the movie Stonewall where a bunch of white cis gay guys were throwing the first bricks, it's historically inaccurate, which is partially why it bombed at the box office. The first bricks and other items thrown were thrown by trans women, butch lesbians, and queens of color. Even mainstream LGBTQ organizations often forget this. A year later, the first Pride events took place.

The Pride flag was created by San Francisco artist Gilbert Baker in 1978. From red on top to purple on bottom, the colors stand for life, healing, sunlight, nature, harmony, and spirit. Pink (sexuality) and turquoise (art/magic) were removed. In 2017, the Philadelphia Office of LGBT Affairs created Pride flags with a black and brown stripe to symbolize inclusion of black and brown people in the movement because sadly white gays aren't a whole lot less racist than white straights. I don't see them a lot, but they're around, even outside Philadelphia.

In recent years, there have been people calling for "straight pride," and even a few events boasting like 20 people showing up.

You don't need a straight pride. Straight people weren't being harassed and arrested on nonsensical morality charges a few decades ago. Straight people have always been able to marry (unless you were an interracial couple in the US, which wasn't legal until 1967). You didn't have to wait until 2015 if you lived in the wrong state. You aren't still waiting because you live in the wrong country. A man and woman holding hands in public don't face harassment or violence for doing so.

Meanwhile, back to the frequently disappointing present. We have the most homophobic, trans-phobic, and racist shit show of a White House administration in modern history. Trump and Co. have tried, and so far failed, to ban trans people from serving in the military despite actual opposition from actual military leaders who know a hell of a lot more about military matters than Cadet Bone Spurs ever will. SCOTUS is about to be leaning to the right for the rest of my life. The religious fanatics are licking their chops at the prospect of being able to undermine marriage equality, as well as reproductive rights. Jeff Sessions, who may or may not be the world's oldest vampire, just announced the creation of a "Religious Liberty Task Force" (This means allowing Christians to discriminate and nothing more) because not allowing evangelical Christian organizations and individuals to discriminate against queer people and anyone they disagree with is somehow oppressive toward Christians in the minds of bigots and these old men who may or may not jack off to The Handmaid's Tale every Wednesday. There have been 16 murders of trans women, mostly black trans women, so far this year. Anti-LGBTQ violence in general is on the rise. Earlier this year, some fuckwits shot at the windows of the Tulsa Equality Center in the middle of the night (fortunately, no one was there).

This is why we still need Pride. This is also why we do not need straight pride. None of the above threatens cis-gender heterosexual people. If you want to have your stupid events with your 20 friends, I don't really care, but don't go around acting like being cis, Christian, and straight opens you up to any kind of oppression.

There are still some small signs of progress here and there. Here in Tulsa, they renamed part of a street downtown Pride Street right before the events of the weekend. Our reasonable human of a mayor (a rare treat in this teabilly state) even attended the event.

Our community has survived since the begining of humanity, and we will continue to persevere. You can't erase us. Those in power now won't be in power forever. Society will begin evolving again.

We're here. We're queer. Get used to it.

                                                 Pride Street, Tulsa, OK 2018. Photo: Tulsa World

Chat: Politics, Queer Counseling, and WTF Happened to Pride

In which Brittany and Angela discuss the recent Oklahoma midterm elections, current-ish events, Brittany's day job, and then realize they never posted a damn thing about Pride. 

Angela:  Mannnnnn so much has happened in the world since we last talked. Justice Kennedy's retirement has me pretty well petrified.

Brittany:  Yeah. I fully expect SCOTUS to be an arm of the republican party for the rest of my life 😞

Angela:  Exactly. Roe v. Wade has never looked so fragile. And LGBTQ rights. And... gah... everything. Just everything.

Brittany:  And I wouldn't be surprised if marriage equality and reproductive rights become things only accessible to people lucky enough to live in the right states.

Angela:  That's exactly what I'm seeing a lot of people thinking. It'll a revert to "states rights" and everyone living I red states will be screwed.

Brittany:  Even if Congress is flipped and we get a democratic president soon, it's still going to be a problem.

Angela:  I know. Just trying to figure out how to fight this, how to move forward is hard. How do you protect yourself from the most powerful court in the land?

Brittany:  Yeah. I don't know what it's going to be like. Hopefully we get lucky and he appoints what he thinks is a reliable right winger, but get another swing voter like Kennedy, but who knows.

Angela:  I know. I'm holding my breath for that. It's all I can do.

Brittany:  Unrelated, but thanks for sharing that post about the LGBTQ camping thing. Our oldest is going this week.

Angela:  Oh yay! I can't wait to hear how it goes! How long is it?

Brittany:  3 days. It's her first time really going off to do her own thing for more than like a night at a friend's house or whatever.

Angela:  Oh, I thought it would be longer, but since it's her first time, shorter is probably better.

Brittany:  It's Wed through Fri. That's just the schedule.

Angela:  That's cool. I'm just glad it exists. Especially here.

Brittany:  Yeah. She'll be able to meet some other queer kids that way.

Angela:  Exactly. It's good to know you're not alone, you know? Especially when you're a kid.

Brittany:  Right. Maybe I would've had a better sense of my own self had I had access to something like that when I was her age.

Angela:  Right? Human connection, and knowing you aren't a "freak" (in an outcast kind of way) makes a world of difference. Something like this can give kids confidence. Seems to me like it would go a long way toward staving off all kinds of neuroses.

Brittany:  Yeah. She was pretty self-aware anyway, maybe thanks to who her parents are and the internet. She came out at 11.

Angela:  Probably. And honestly, she was probably also just born at the right time (and to the right people). I think our kids are going to be so much more adept at handling true diversity than we were, and definitely than our parents' generation.

Brittany:  Definitely.

Angela:  SPEAKING OF WHICH, the rest of the world seems to be progressing, even if America is going backwards. The World Health Organization removing transgender as a "mental illness"... I think that's huge!

Brittany:  Yeah. Hopefully the DSM will follow soon.

Angela:  How does that work? Do they have some committee that decides these things?

Brittany:  The APA revises it every so often. Homosexuality used to be listed, but was removed a few revisions ago.

Angela:  Also, I saw that the WHO didn't remove transgender entirely, but moved it to another section. Something about preserving it there for health coverage purposes?

Brittany:  There's some debate about how to classify it, but simply a medical condition as opposed to a disorder would be an improvement.

Angela:  How do you think this will affect things? This change?

Brittany:  It might help with the stigma that still exists in the mental health profession. And honestly, the diagnosis of gender dysphoria is only really an issue so treatments can have a label and be prescribed. Can't say I'm a fan of all the gate keeping that goes on. Just listen to people and react accordingly. It's not like I needed someone to tell me I was trans (though some people just starting to have these feelings might still benefit from that).

Angela:  Yes 100% to that. And I do like lifting the stigma.

Brittany:  Same, though I like lifting the stigma of "mental disorder" in general, too.

Angela:  True. You've been counseling now for a while. I know you're taking low income patients. Have you had any trans or other LGBTQ patients? (Or do you call them clients?)

Brittany:  We generally call them clients. I don't yet have any trans clients, but they tend to send LGBTQ clients to me.

Angela:  What got you interested in counseling?

Brittany:  Trauma, actually. My own. Other people's. I got my undergraduate degree in 2002 and never really started to use it until 13 years later when I decided on grad school.

Angela:  You seem to enjoy it. I mean, I'm sure it's not always fun, but it seems to be fulfilling, at least.

Brittany:  Yeah. It can be difficult at times, even triggering. And sometimes you get problematic clients, but I really love it in general. But I know what it's like to be struggling with untreated mental health issues, questioning my own gender and queerness, and not having money for any support. 

Angela:  What kind of client load do you handle? Is it a lot?

Brittany:  Eight 50 minute appointments per day for the most part. Mostly regular, but sometimes I get a new one, or an appointment from a client of someone not at work. During intake, clients who are LGBTQ and/or dealing with trauma get assigned to me because that's my expertise.

Angela:  Are they all adults, or.do you take minors, too?

Brittany:  Adults, but there is a program for children.

Angela:  Do you feel comfortable saying what organization you're working with?

Brittany:  It's in my about section if you want to look at it, but I don't want to disclose publicly. Though, if anyone asks on the blog or BB page about finding help, I can refer them.

Angela:  Great! ❤

Brittany:  I've had people I know personally be like, "Can I see you for counseling?" But no, there's an ethical issue. They can get help where I work, but not from me.

Angela:  Oh, that kind of makes sense. Also, working with trauma clients has to be hard. Do you ever have a hard time leaving your work at work?

Brittany:  Not really. It can be triggering, but when I leave my office, it stays there. I'm like the fucking queen of compartmentalization.

Angela:  Lol, that's probably good. Not everyone can do that.

Brittany:  True. You kind of have to have some ability for it given the amount of emotional labor involved.

Angela:  What kind of issues come up with your LGBTQ clients? With trauma... unfortunately, I can imagine.

Brittany:  Trauma is unfortunately fairly common. Some are closeted. Family members aren't always accepting. Being on the receiving end of bullying during the younger years is pretty common among the obviously queer. Depression and anxiety are common. I imagine when I get a trans client, they're going to need resources for support, maybe unemployment. Trans is expensive if you want to do anything medical like hormones.

Angela:  Yes, definitely. And, I imagine, it's harder for them to get work, especially here. You can "hide" being "just gay" better than transgender.

Brittany:  Yeah. Support here in general can be a little thin, compared to, say, Los Angeles. So, I wanted to help my own communities. Not to mention we're more likely to be low income and priced out of a lot of available care.

Angela:  I totally get that. There's a need, and you can help fill it. What do you tell clients who don't really have any support system to speak of? I mean... our friends are pretty supportive and awesome, but not everyone has even that.

Brittany:  Yes. 😔 I've told quite a few about support groups at the Equality Center. We don't have any queer-based group where I work. We have groups for other things though, like depression, social anxiety, etc.

Angela:  Do you think those latter groups are open and accepting enough for LGBTQ clients?

Brittany:  They are. Thankfully, it's a matter of policy.

Angela:  Oh, good. ❤ And, I am so glad Tulsa's Equality Center exists, btw. I honestly can't imagine our city without them.

Brittany:  It's actually the 6th biggest in the US. Interesting fact.

Angela:  Wow! 6th biggest... in Oklahoma?? Now I need to look up where the top 5 are located!

Brittany:  My bet would be LA, SF, NYC for 3 of them, but I haven't actually looked it up. I know LA has more than one building, but haven't been to any others.

Angela:  You're probably right. But it's surprising that ours is so high in the list. There are lots of bigger cities than ours.

Brittany:  Tulsa seems to have a lot of LGBTQ people for its size, so that helps.

Angela:  Oh, and duh, Pride! How was it? I didn't get to go! Lol. Went through the whole month of June and didn't talk about Pride. Fucking blogger fail.

Brittany:  It was fun as always. We rarely stay long, because I still can’t deal with the heat even after living here 27 years (27 years in August). I'm not really sure how many people were there, but it's been around 30,000 at times. Weird how I don't have any social anxiety at Pride or ACL, but totally everywhere else. Lol. I should've written something.

Angela:  You still can. Call the post, "It's July but Fuck It, Every Month Should Be Pride Month" 😉

Brittany:  Yeah. That's something I might actually use as a title.

Angela:  Lol, happy to help.But that really does make sense, though. That you would feel comfortable surrounded by people you know aren't going to judge you or reject you.

Brittany:  True.

Angela:  Which, I know we're winding down here, and not to start a whole new tangent, but it brings me to the question: I've seen some articles recently about some abominable excuses for people wanting to remove the "T" in LGBTQ. Which enrages me. But... have you run into any of that here?

Brittany:  I haven't run into it personally, but I see it going around sometimes, which is ridiculous considering it was fed up trans women of color who threw the first bricks and kicked off this whole movement. Fucking ingrates. Transphobia (and biphobia) are still pretty common among a lot of LG people.

Angela:  THANK YOU! It's bullshit! Like, how the fuck you gonna adopt the fucking RAINBOW as your symbol and then attempt to push out an entire classification of people like that?? Ugh.

Brittany:  Thankfully I don't see much of that sentiment in Tulsa.

Angela:  I’m glad. I hadn't either, just saw stuff online. But it was enough to raise my hackles... and make me worry. It's disturbing the places you find bigotry sometimes.

Brittany:  I think, in the not so distant future, they might realize the need as many on their team as possible, but we'll see. There are more people who embrace trans people among their number than reject them. I don't think the bigots will ever gain traction. 

The Equality Center has always been good as long as I've had any experience with it. They have trans and bi support groups, among other things. I got the therapist's number I had to see for 3 months before getting hormones from there. All it took was a phone call on my part.

Angela:  Yes. They're pretty awesome. They even host some pagan activities! Which, they don't have to. It's not specifically LGBTQ driven, but I think they recognize an ally in most pagan communities, and their underrepresentation in our region.

Brittany:  True. And they have things like the NYE party for sober people. They don't have a super narrow focus. They're big enough not to.

Angela:  They're like a beacon of love in the middle of Tulsa. 😊

Brittany:  Yeah. They're also a cooling station on nasty hot days. People from the street can enjoy the air conditioning and water whether queer or not.

Angela:  Oh, that's awesome. There are a whole lot of homeless people downtown. That can be lifesaving for them.

Brittany:  I think most stay in that area because there are more shelters and places to eat there. I see some elsewhere, though. There are remnants of someone in the field by the house near what's left of Remington tower. Never seen anyone there, but there are water bottles in trees to collect condensation. Some survivalist who doesn't want to deal with shelters, I guess.

Angela:  Probably right. And even the shelters can only help so much. Many are at or over capacity. Summertime is rough on our homeless population. Daytime, anyway. Nighttime is better. Less dangerous. Until you get to winter.

Brittany:  True, though winter is becoming less of a thing here.

Angela:  I know. Which is another kind of scary. ☹

Brittany:  I'm from the Twin Cities. I can only imagine what they do in a place even I consider cold.

Angela:  I think they probably have a lot bigger and better outreach, though. Minneapolis seems to have its shit together way better than we do when it comes to taking care of its people.

Brittany:  Yeah. I miss that. Here they don't do much, and they suck at managing finances.

Angela:  Definitely.

Brittany:  Hopefully some changes happen after November.

Angela:  YES.

Brittany:  This will be the first time I've ever had runoffs to vote in.

Angela:  Me, too! August. This is crazy.

Brittany:  Mostly I got what I wanted, though. Also crazy.

Angela:  Yeah, me too. It was like the most exciting election night since Obama won! Lol. But shit is changing. People aren't just voting for the status quo anymore. 

Brittany:  Yeah. Hell, even the republicans weren't voting for the status quo. We don't have to worry about Tood Lamb.

*Todd

Angela:  I know! So excited! I like Tood better. Let's leave it like that. 

Brittany:  Yeah. Fuck it. His name is Tood now.

Angela:  Bye bye, Tood!

Brittany:  Lol. Well, I guess we should wrap this up. 

Angela:  Yes. I need to get some shit done around the house. Have a good night with your people.

Brittany:  You, too. 🙂

State of the State a/k/a How to Help Your Kids Survive in America

In which Brittany and Angela discuss local politics and the state of the country and the subtle (and not-so-subtle) attacks on the LGBTQ+ community and other minorities of late. We wish we could make this post more fun, but shit has definitely reached the level of Way Too Fucking Real and we just can't candy-coat these things. Sorry, Loves. 

Angela:  Sorry I'm so late. My Sunday got a little sidetracked. But, what's been going on in your world?

Brittany:  Not too much. We went to Mayfest for a bit yesterday, and Trisha and Michelle wanted to go again today. I'm getting some alone time while they have their date (girls are with their dad).

Angela:  Oh, that's nice! We skipped Mayfest this year. Too many home projects going on.

And then Brittany and Angela embarked upon a private conversation about one of Angela's children, which she's chosen to omit so as not to embarrass said offspring. You didn't want to hear about all that mom stuff, anyway.

Brittany:  So anyway, onto our real topic?

Angela:  Lol, yes. Sorry. 

Brittany:  Haha. I totally contributed, too.

Angela:  We were going to discuss the implications of our illustrious governor signing off on that adoption bill. Which I really hope is not constitutional, but... are lgbtq+ a protected class yet, federally?

Brittany:  Yeah. It isn't a ban, and she actually stated that the state agencies would not discriminate. Saw it on News on 6 I think. She made a point of it, but someone is probably going to discriminate at some point, and we'll see where that legal battle goes.

And no, not federally.

It's a cheap shot at attempting to undermine marriage equality like a lot of shitty bills states are passing.

Angela:  But, thing is... even more than trampling on adoptive parents' rights, religious adoption agencies and churches are, from what I understand, pretty big players in the adoption world... won't this trample on the children's rights by limiting their options to find adoptive parents? I mean, they have no control over who has control over them. And it's hard to get adopted if you aren't a perfectly healthy infant.

Brittany:  It would limit their potential homes with those agencies. Also, a lot of those kids are LGBTQ+. Who knows how many the agencies don't know about… or DO know about. Nothing good comes from them being placed with anti-queer parents or foster parents if the agencies prefer them.

Angela:  Gods... yes. That's just terrifying. The suicide rate is already high for these youths. And the rate of runaways and LGBTQ+ minors getting kicked out of the home. 

Brittany:  The whole national climate has been feeling pretty homo/trans phobic lately. States passing discriminatory "religious freedom" laws, Trump banning trans people from the military (or attempting to). The CDC just decided to stop collecting data for LGBTQ people, specifically. It doesn't create a supportive environment when the government seems to want to erase us entirely.

Angela:  For all that progress made... idk how we could have let the nation just slip back into the Dark Ages like this.

Brittany:  It has Pence's stink all over it. Trump probably wouldn't think of half this shit on his own, but it's a good way to keep the base happy. It's no wonder anti-LGBTQ violence has been up lately.

Angela:  I know it. This with the revisiting of anti-abortion laws... shit is getting out of control fast.

Brittany:  Yeah. I was surprised when Fallin vetoed a total abortion ban here a while back, but she probably didn't want the court battles.

Angela:  Surprising, also, considering the court battles she'll be fighting on this adoption bill.

Brittany:  She's termed out. She doesn't care. Going to be someone else's problem.

But I'm not happy with the trend of subtly treating us like we're something that needs to be pushed under the rug or generally frowned upon. Especially seeing what types of people feel all super validated in their bigotry right now.

Angela:  Well, exactly! A lot of these ultra-conservatives have some wicked skeletons in their closets. Child porn, rape, molestation. Hell, even the milder stuff like hiring hookers and using campaign funds to keep the hookers quiet. These are some twisted people trying to use "morality" as some kind of weapon against law abiding citizens. It's beyond shameful.

Brittany:  True. It's not so rare I hear about one of these people getting caught doing the things they claim to hate. 

My daughters are black, and the oldest is bi. I worry about them being out in this climate sometimes.

Angela:  I hear you. I'm hoping we can get back some control in the midterms.

Brittany:  Granted, the climate has never been ideal, and I remember before Obama, who helped a lot, but my bi kid turns 14 in August. She doesn't remember much before that.

Angela:  Have you and your daughters talked about this much? The state of the country and what we're facing here?

Brittany:  We do. That and police violence, and what to do if bothered by cops. Racism and queerphobic attitudes obviously intersect.

Angela:  What kinds of things do you tell them? How do you approach it?

Brittany:  Be aware of their surroundings, be super cooperative and friendly with a cop even if that cop is being a dick, hands visible, etc. Charity wouldn't be visibly queer unless she's holding another girl's hand or something, but she knows surroundings matter, even though such things shouldn't be a complex fucking science.

Angela:  True. Sigh. Have they run into any problems in school?

Brittany:  I have the benefit of being white. No one looks at me because of that, but people of color are often being looked at for that alone. Any other things bigots might take issue with are that much more likely to be noticed too at that point since they're already in policing mode. They don't. Our youngest is probably straight, but Charity is pretty open. Other kids don't seem to care that much. 

And there have been no problems with teachers or school cops so far. But you never know. Anything could happen.

Angela:  I know. Especially these days.

Brittany:  Some nutjob gets a hold of his dad's guns... idk how any of what's happening could look like "great" to anyone. My parents never had to worry about my appearance being policed or anything. I was just another white boy. And shootings seemed somewhat less common. We didn't even have school cops when I was a kid

It seems like all these hateful fuckers got what they wanted in 2016, but they're still all angry and violent.

Angela:  True. Though, for people of color, especially black people, that problem has been around for them for, well, probably as long as America has existed.

But the school shootings... that's another thing entirely.

Brittany:  Yeah. I went that direction somehow, maybe because they have actual shooting drills, which is scary.

Angela:  I know. We never had anything like this when we were kids. It's insane.

Brittany:  I have minimal faith that liberals will do much about gun control, but at least when things change, the climate of violent male entitlement and open bigotry will probably be somewhat less intense. Just tired of waiting, and this administration and their policies are still young. Even the TX shooter picked his location where his ex gf was. Big surprise there.

That link I posted the other day... You know it's a fucked up climate if that woman can go harass a trans woman in the bathroom and fucking live stream it, though in LA that'll probably sink her political ambitions.

Angela:  Absolutely, it's fucked up! And Roy Moore almost winning an election, and the GOP having actual known white supremacists on the ticket.

And the Dems' inability to stand on their damn principles is why I've decided to vote for the most progressive candidate there is, in any race, even when "the party" says they can't win. I'm pretty much done being told to vote for whoever they've picked as their darling when this kind of shit is on the line. Especially in the primaries. That's when you really get the chance to make your voice heard, but people still shy away from great fucking candidates who will actually DO SOMETHING.

Brittany:  My best hope for dems is they'll do slightly more than the nothing that is getting done now. Everything is fucking upside down. 

Angela:  They're almost worthless. We need people who aren't going to bow and scrape to the middle ground.

Brittany:  But at least they can generally be trusted not to nurture an openly bigoted climate at this point.

Angela:  True. I’ll vote for any Democrat in a general election if that’s all I’ve got. But I feel the Dems are just as guilty in allowing all this shit to happen. I mean, obviously I am a Democrat. I just want my party to do better. To be better.

Brittany:  Yeah. And they have little history of really standing up to the NRA. They still have work to do regarding equal rights, but at least Obama nudged them in the right direction.

Angela:  Yes. A lot of people (progressives) have issues with some of Obama's policies, but we can't deny that he did some really good work, too.

Brittany:  True.

Angela:  We needed him. I'd take him back in a heartbeat.

Brittany:  I think they're likely to become more progressive, however gradually, because that's the only way they're going to win.

Angela:  I think that's true, too. Especially when so many of us are so pissed at the old "centrist" line. Fuck that. There are lives on the line. And the middle has lost us all the ground we ever had.

Brittany:  As much as I want universal health care, what I want more is for my daughters, my partners, other people of color, myself, and other queer and trans people to be able to feel reasonably safe on the street, at school, if approached by a cop, etc.

Angela:  But, uh, while we're on the topic of politics and bad governors signing shitty legislation, any thoughts yet on who you like for governor this next election? 

Brittany:  Looking at Connie Johnson, but not totally decided yet.

Angela:  I <3 Connie Johnson.

And I think, as for police violence, we're gonna need an entire systemic overhaul.

Brittany:  Yeah. We need a change. Tired of what's been the status quo the entire fucking time I've lived down here.

Angela:  Yes. And yes, so tired.

Brittany:  I think watching TV is increasing my typos. Have fun editing. LOL.

Angela:  Lol, it's fine.

Brittany:  Kind of veered off the main topic, but then again all these things we talk about intersect, so maybe it's not as chaotic as it seems.

Angela:  I agree. And I'm sure this stuff will come up again in the future. We'll zone in where we can.

Brittany:  I should probably wrap this up. Mayfest closes soon, and I'm grilling when the partners and kids get home.

Angela:  Yeah, I need to start on dinner, too. Ok, I'll get this edited and let you know when it's ready! 

Brittany:  Ok. Have fun.

Angela:  Lol, you, too!

And then Brittany and Angela went on their merry ways, feeding their families and living their normal, everyday, flaming liberal/progressive lives, rubbing elbows with the racists and bigots and working to keep themselves, and the rest of humanity, safe. Sometimes just existing is an act of defiance.