VAGINA!

I’m a lesbian. I don’t think I really fully understood that until recently, but that’s part of who I am.

I never really related to women as a man, and had minimal interest in them for most of my life. When I was really young, people just thought I was a gay male because of my mannerisms and various stereotypes. That seemed to make sense to me, and provided an opportunity for denial, so I went with it for a while. It’s easier to come out as gay than as transgender. I dated guys and primarily slept with guys for many years. The guys I was attracted to tended to be pretty feminine in appearance and mannerisms, so it basically worked. I never felt like I could relate to the average man, though. The relationships I had weren’t something I took very seriously, unlike the scattered few relationships I had with women back then. The sex was shallow. Kept me successfully hidden in the closet about my gender.

It can also feel awkward to refer to myself as lesbian regardless of how true it is. It depends on who I’m talking to. One issue is I don’t like being compared to these idiot straight men who like to say they’re “lesbian trapped in men’s bodies.” Little do they know, that shit actually happens, and I don’t care to have my situation trivialized or turned into a joke. Sometimes I also don’t feel like I’ve earned the title of lesbian. I wasn’t born with a vagina. I didn’t grow up as a girl. I had white male privilege, but only in theory. I never really knew how to use it. Giving it up has created no sense of loss.

Even recently I was referring to myself as bisexual and kind of believed that, but the truth of the matter is I never think “Oh, I’d really like some dick today.” I’m attracted to women physically and emotionally. I like pussy. I think more like women I know than men I know. I like it when women are protective of me. I can sit with another woman and have deep conversations about things involving emotions and relationships, but this is just awkward, if not impossible for me with most men. If you look at the people I’m friends with, almost all of them are female, and the ones I’m closest to and have the most intimate and fulfilling friendships with ARE ALL female. It’s been that way my entire life. Even as a young child, I almost exclusively hung out with girls. In a way, my gender identity was probably kind of obvious, but I didn’t know what it meant when I pictured myself as one of them when I was 5, 6 years old.

It isn’t that I have anything against men or can’t connect with them emotionally. It just doesn’t occur on as deep of a level. I think the longest relationship I had with a man was with Ben back in 2006. That lasted about 13 months. I don’t know HOW it lasted 13 months, but it did. All we did was fight all the time. We were living together for about the last half of that time period. He was in no way a bad person. Quite the opposite, but it was like this empty relationship. I couldn’t deal with his minor personality annoyances. I used to leave the house all the time. Basically, I spent half the relationship at Crystal and Jerry’s house or fishing with my friend Chris. The relationship eventually ended. I never really gave him as much attention as he needed. He couldn’t properly fulfill my needs. Oil and water.

My current relationship with Trisha is by far the happiest relationship I’ve ever been in. We connect emotionally and physically. I love the conversations. I love the fact that she understands me so well, & takes care of me the way she does. I feel safe and loved with her. Her sense of humor is a lot like mine. We share a love for crappy B horror and action films. The sex is also great. Every time. No man has ever made me feel the way she makes me feel.

I enjoy the family life too, which is new to me. Trisha has 2 daughters from a previous marriage. I love them like they’re my own. We’re basically a dyke couple raising children. We raise them with love and compassion, encourage them to be who they are without apologies, and teach them how to live in the world as best we can. I love taking them out to places, like the zoo, restaurants, parks, etc. I cook for everyone most days, which I fucking love. I’m good at it. I cook good meals. If you don’t think people like us can raise healthy children, you’re sorely mistaken.

I swear, at about 6 months shy of 35 years old, I feel like a fucking teenager again sometimes. All this trial and error. All this "discovering myself." It's amazing how pretty much everything in life is wrapped up in our genders. Most people can just take that for granted, so it's all very simple. Nevertheless, I'm starting to get a more complete picture of who I am & what makes me tick. Vaginas are apparently a big part of that. I might as well just be open about it.

Today I've been on hormones for 1 year. I took the first pills early in the morning on 6.22.2011. Been a daily thing ever since then.

Once upon a time I looked like this (on the left):

Face It, Your Son is a Dyke

Relationships are hard.  Sometimes, relationships with your own family can be the hardest of all.  And right now, Brittany is thinking to herself, "she said 'hard.'"  I'm glad we could have this chat.

June 6, 2012

Kayla:  Hey lady! So, what's been goin' on?

Brittany:  Nothing heavy really.  My mood is better now, etc.

Kayla:  That's good. I was starting to get worried about you.

Brittany:  It happens. I've always dealt with depression spells. Less frequent now since I'm happy, but still possible.

Kayla:  That sucks. Did anything in particular happen to set it off this time?

Brittany:  Not really. Just happened... other than luck of sleep possibly.

Kayla:  Yeah, that'll do it. I get weird if I don't get enough sleep, too.

Brittany:  I don't even know what happened. I never have trouble sleeping with Trisha in the bed. I sure did that night, though. The whole next day I had that cracked out feeling like after you've been tweaking a little too long and are coming down. So maybe that triggered it.

Kayla:  Ugh. Glad you finally crashed, though.

Brittany:  Yeah. Trisha was fucking awesome about that. She just told me to take some of my pills and go to sleep, and she'd take care of the shit I normally do.

Kayla:  That's awesome.

Brittany:  Yeah. I found the right woman apparently.

Kayla:  So how is life in hormone-land?

Brittany:  Hormones are good. I'm on max doses now. Have been for about a month, I guess.
More tit development. Still small, but at least I look good in a spaghetti strap.

Kayla:  Lol! That's true. It does definitely seem to be more noticeable now.

When you maxed out the dose, did it mess with you any? Mood swings or weight issues or anything?

Brittany:  I eat and work out about the same as always, so not really.  I'm pretty much happy with my weight. Stepping it up gradually probably keeps side effects down.

Kayla:  Yeah, probably. And are you still doing the voice exercises?

Brittany:  Yeah. It's getting easier than before, but still something I have to be consciously aware of, or I go to pretty close to my normal voice.

Kayla:  Do you ever practice with Trisha?   (that image is just too cute in my head)

Brittany:  Kind of. Mostly after practicing by myself. It's kind of a daytime thing.  And I'm glad to have her and the girls.

I still haven't talked to my dad in however many weeks. I'm in and out of touch with my mom. She'll get over it before my dad.

Kayla:  Yeah... I was going to get around to that one... what happened there, exactly? (or... even vaguely)

Brittany:  He went out of the country with his wife for like 3 weeks, so we watched his dog, which he pays me for. When they came to get her, I was wearing a spaghetti and was obviously with Trisha. He looked at me kinda weird, gave me the dog money, and left without saying much.

Kayla:  Ok... then what? Did you get in an argument about it later or something?

Brittany:  Nope. Nothing really. All was left unsaid. Though when I was at Crystal's baby shower, my sister was having a housewarming party later that night. We were gonna go, but then I got the text saying, "Make yourselves presentable. You know what I mean. And don't be so affectionate."

Kayla:  That. Is. Asinine. So, you in a spaghetti-strap shirt, arms around your girlfriend, isn't presentable enough?

Brittany:  Well, she was just sitting on the couch when he came over anyway, but when we do go out, there's a lot of PDA. But that's my partner. That's the way it is. She isn't that conventional in appearance either and it's like it was pretty acceptable when I came out as a "gay man" years ago, but now I'm a transwoman. I can say I'm bi all I want, but lets face it, I'm a dyke.

Kayla:  Oh... they didn't have issues with your PDA when you were a "boy" with a boy?

Brittany:  They didn't meet many boyfriends. Most of my involvements with men were always casual, go home in the morning.

Kayla:  Ah. It sounds (to me, just based on this) that they're ok with "whatever" as long as they don't actually have to see it and deal with it in person.

Brittany:  I guess. It was kind of that way when I came out trans. No visible results at first, but then it started getting real, I guess.

Kayla:  That sounds about right... sounds like your people are pretty non-confrontational... like they might avoid the issue entirely rather than deal with an argument or whatever.

Brittany:  My parents are, yeah. Maybe they know better than to argue with me. I'm really really good at it.

There was that point, I think, where people expected me to be a gay man with my mannerisms or whatever. I convinced myself of that for a while.

Kayla:  I was going to ask you about that, too. I, of course, thought you were gay way-back-when as well. But, were you ever really attracted to men the way you are women?

Brittany:  Not really. I just had no interest in women as a man. I might have had some interest in men, but never really took that seriously. It was just fun mostly. And it's easy to get men. Anyone can can get men. It was a good way to get laid, pimpin' and shit at Majestic.

Kayla:  So, then, your sexuality really didn't fully express itself until you made peace with the idea that you're trans...

Brittany:  Pretty much. It's like "coming out" again. Twice even.

Kayla:  Ha! I guess it is!  But, this time it's for real. At least for your family.

Brittany:  But hey, that's the way it is. I'm who I am.

Kayla:  Well, they'll just have to get used to it, I suppose.

How do you feel about how they've handled this lately?

Brittany:  Too bad for them... and maybe that contributes to the depression. I don't know for sure.

Kayla:  I suppose it's an obvious assumption (because who wouldn't), but do you think you're dealing with feeling abandoned or rejected... and maybe not really dealing with it? Seems like depression often comes when we're not really looking at something... for me, anyway.

Brittany:  Yeah. I said that to Trisha and Carmen at different points, so I know I have freshly created abandonment issues.

Kayla:  It's normal. It would be better if you and your folks could just talk about it. But I get the feeling they're not really up for that.

Brittany:  I doubt it. I think they want things their way. Their way isn't gonna happen.

Kayla:  No, it isn't. And that's something THEY should have to deal with.

Brittany:  Right.

Kayla:  It's not like you're telling them you don't love them anymore.

Brittany:  I know.

Kayla:  And that's the worst thing about these kinds of things... people have such a need to control the actions and lifestyles of other people. If they could grow up and realize that their identity does not have to be tied to your identity--that who you are doesn't change who they are--they could deal with this a whole lot better.

Brittany:  I know. Maybe I'll use that line sometime.

Kayla:  It's easier to think of this stuff when it isn't you that's going through it.

Have you spoken to your sister since the "be presentable" message?

Brittany:  A little. She has no issue herself, but we're not really close. We just kinda see each other in passing.

Kayla:  Yeah, I understand. Hmmm... well, what will you do? Are you going to bring the issue up or wait for them to?

Brittany:  I'll just wait for them, I think. I'm sort of starting to come to terms with it, and I have my own family to tend to now.

Kayla:  Yes. Priorities. Your elders can take care of themselves. They'll grow up in their own time or they won't. You just do what's best for you.

And keep talking. Don't bottle stuff up. That shit'll eat you alive.

Brittany:  Face it. Your son is a dyke. Like, really, a dyke.

Kayla:  I want that on a bumper sticker.

Brittany:  Sort of saying that in my head, not to you.

Kayla:  Lmao! I assumed so! (but who knows... he could be...)