Crazy Bitch

This is something I haven’t generally been open about with most of my own people, let alone the general public, but I had mentioned it in a previous blog entry. It isn’t really related to my gender transition, and I try to stay on topic for the most part. It’s an issue in my life, and a lot of people’s lives though, so I’ll go off topic this once. I’m just talking about this as I experience it here. I’m not going to type out the DSM for you. You can read that yourself if you want “official” information.

I have Bipolar 2 disorder, which is basically “manic-depression” with less of the mania. I don’t remember exactly when I was diagnosed. In my early or middle twenties. Something like that. I was in the hospital (Laureate) for a few days in 2005 for the depression, in 2010 following my deliberate overdose, and more recently after the rape. Most of the time it isn’t so intense as to justify hospitalization, but it has been.

You can thank the media for me generally not talking about it. Bipolar is all the rage right now. When I was younger, it was Attention Deficit Disorder. Everyone was on Ritalin. Now it seems to be Bipolar. Every time someone does something fucked up like shooting strangers in a movie theater, you start hearing the term “bipolar” over and over in the news reports. This makes the stigma associated with the issue that much worse. If you tell someone you have it, sometimes they seem uncomfortable because it probably conjurs up memories of crazies in the news. It’s never occurred to me to go shoot a bunch of people in any state of mind. Maybe that dude didn’t shoot up a movie theater because he has a mood disorder. Maybe he just did it because he’s an asshole.

People also don’t always react in a positive manner. Tell someone you have Bipolar, or just about any psychiatric issue, and you’re put into the “crazy bitch” file and more or less written off as more trouble than you’re worth. Here is a video about stigma surrounding mental health issues.

It seems to add some intensity to my personality, but I’m loud and proud in general, so it’s hard to say. Most of the time my mood is reasonably close to normal. I do go through cycles from time to time though. I have depression spells more than mania spells. I’ll get depressed for no reason for several days and then get past it. When I do have manic spells, I have more energy than I want. My mind races somewhat. It’s hard to sleep and eat properly. I get a lot done during those times, but I’m also high strung, and tend to stress hard over stupid things I normally don’t care about.

Depression spells that pop up on their own are one thing, but the worst depression spells come right after manic spells. That’s what is happening as I write this (10-23-2012). Mildly irritable and manic for several days, then suddenly it’s like jumping off the north face of Mt Everest. It’s like an intense sadness with no cause. I can, and sometimes do, cry over the smallest things or over nothing at all. I’m not motivated to do much. I don’t really want to talk to anyone. I’ve been kind of mopey and sluggish most of the day. If I could sleep for 2 days, I would. My mind sort of wanders to depressing things. I have to shut some people out because they’re triggers of a sort. People who have a tendency to hurt my feelings and people who suck away all my energy with their bullshit drama.

During both of these times, I have to pay extra attention to my stress. I stick to low-intensity, relaxing things like reading books, watch movies with my Partner and our girls. Thankfully my work is pretty low stress, so I don’t struggle too much there.

Medication helps keep me level most of the time. Some people don’t believe in taking medication, usually new age types who don’t need medications. That’s great. Live in your tree hugging dirty hippie world if it makes you happy, but until you go through what I go through, your opinion is invalid. I make my medical decisions based on my own research and the advice of people who specialize in these fields, not idealism. If you don’t like medicine, don’t take it.

The most helpful thing is my support system. My Partner takes care of me emotionally. She has similar issues. I take care care of her emotionally. If some conversation I’m having via text messaging is stressing me out (pretty common), she knows when to make me shut it off for the day. Spending time with her and the girls always brings me joy. The close friends I have seem to understand. If I need to talk, my Partner and friends listen. If I need to be left alone for a little while, they understand. If I get overly stressed out over nothing, they understand and let it go without a great deal of judgement.

None of this makes me completely dysfunctional. I earn a living. I take care of my family. I live my life, and enjoy almost all of it. Knowing I’m not alone in the world makes all the difference.

Things Change

“I want to taste glory in each day, and never be afraid to experience pain; and never shut myself up in a numb core of nonfeeling, or stop questioning and criticizing life and take the easy way out. To learn and think: to think and live; to live and learn: this always, with new insight, new understanding, and new love.” –Sylvia Plath

In some ways I guess I’m becoming more obnoxious and more militant about who I am and having the right to be who I am. I used to be a very reserved, even shy, individual. I missed out on a lot of life, good and bad things. I guess I wasn’t particularly proud of who I was as a person. I was watching myself do things almost as sort of a mildly uninterested outside observer. I was usually fairly numb. I didn’t allow myself to feel much of anything substantial, as I wasn’t “me,” so why bother?

Things have changed. Sometimes I feel like I wasted over 3 decades of my life. I don’t want to waste a 4th. With the physical and emotional changes that come with making good progress on my transition, I’ve gradually become considerably more comfortable with myself. Maybe I’m overcompensating somewhat. I want to experience life as much as I can, and I do. I feel everything very intensely or not at all. I prefer the former these days.

I came very close to ending my life when I deliberately overdosed in the summer of 2010. I think that’s when I realized I needed to either really live or quit wasting my time and give it a better shot. Now I do what I want. I run my own business. I feel no obligation to “mainstream.” I have kinky sex. I fuck like a wild animal. Sometimes I drink a little too much or do too many drugs. I don’t apologize for it. I’m responsible. I’m an adult. I’m very open about all of that. I owe no apologizes for simply living my life. How conventional or unconventional things are is of very little concern to me. I’m emotional. I’m very compassionate and very passionate. I’m very loving, and also very bitchy. I can tell you I love you and say fuck you in one sentence, and mean it. If people don’t like this new loud and proud me, that’s fine. They can stay away, and some do.

Most of the time, this is a good thing. My relationship with my partner is very loving and we’re still very affectionate, almost like teenagers at times. We laugh a lot, and we laugh hard. We have deep and intense conversations. The sex is never boring. In fact, it’s pretty mind-blowing. My close friends seem to love me more than ever before. When I socialize, we have great fun. When I feel antisocial, I shut myself off, but I’m usually not miserable during these times. It may be that I’m feeling a bit misanthropic, or it may be that I just need time to myself to achieve a sense of calm and take a break from the chaos I seem to attract, but I enjoy every minute of being with my newly acquired family, doing the work that I do, getting a little alone time for gaming and writing, whatever.

Sometimes all this feeling and desire to feel can be a bad thing. I get overly attached to the wrong people. My heart is easy to break, and when that happens I express all those feelings all at once. Sometimes this can cost me a friend. I developed romantic feelings for a friend recently. I love those protective women, and that’s how she was. She took great care of me when it was needed, especially after I was raped last December. And I felt everything from that experience too. Too intensely as usual. I went kind of crazy for a while. Partied to much, let my emotions run completely wild, barely slept because I had nightmares if I did, freaked out for no real reason. She dealt with that very well as a friend. I finally began to calm down somewhat when I got together with Trisha, but those feelings continued to develop. We started fighting all the time when we talked. Now we don’t really talk anymore at all. We never hang out. And it kind of breaks my heart. I lost a pretty great friend. Maybe I wouldn’t have if I maintained a greater level of sanity. Then again, maybe it was doomed regardless. Who can say?

I’m also bipolar. I was diagnosed in 2002 or something like that, maybe a little before. I don’t talk about this very often (really not at all with most people). This is why I go through depression spells from time to time. I take medication for this, but I’m sure it contributes some to the intensity with which I experience life. Sometimes, like at the current time, I just lie low and enjoy my home life. I have to in order to achieve some sort of psychological balance. Feeling everything all the time takes a lot of energy, especially when some these things are negative in any way. Sometimes I don’t have that much energy. I get worn out and rest with my family and my electronic entertainment.

It’s all worth it though. I wouldn’t want it any other way. As much as some of the bad things like rape, or to a lesser extent, failed friendships, may suck, the good things outnumber the bad. I have a lot of people who love me. Feeling that the majority of the time is what makes everything I’m doing worth it. I’ll do what I need to do to maintain some balance, but I’m going to live my life at full intensity. I’m going to enjoy the happy times and cry during the bad times for the rest of my life because I don’t want to be numb and bored when it ends.

Since I've Been Gone

I know I haven’t blogged in quite a while. Life has been busier than normal. I haven’t had a lot of time or motivation for writing.

My Partner found a lump in my left breast in early September. That means I had to have a mammogram. Welcome to womanhood. With estrogen comes an increased risk of breast cancer. It’s always a good idea to examine your breasts periodically, or have someone else do it. I do not have health insurance, as my business is a one woman operation. No employers. No employees. I went to Planned Parenthood to have them look at it. I think a lot of people don’t realize they do cancer screenings and such. It isn’t a free abortion store. They provide other health care services. The doctor gave me a prescription for the mammogram along with a coupon from Project Woman so it would be free. You actually need a prescription for that, like you would for pain medication or hormones.

The mammogram happened about a week later, and I had to wait close to another week for the results. The process itself is rather uncomfortable. Basically what they do is squish your tits with a machine and take an x-ray. My breasts are pretty small, so it was that much more difficult. Thankfully, the results came up negative for cancer. It was benign calcium deposits. They’re harmless and require no further action other than getting another mammogram in 6 months.

Family life and work have also taken up a lot of my time. Since I work from home and set my own hours, I walk the kids to school in the morning, and back home in the afternoon. The school is one block from the house, so no need to drive them. Most nights I cook for them and my Partner. That’s probably my favorite thing to do for them. We eat healthy food. I never thought I’d become as domestic as I have, but I enjoy it.

I also went through a depression spell recently. I have bipolar 2, and go through cycles sometimes. I take medication for this, but of course no medication is perfect. I’m usually not that open about this, but it is a part of who I am. Most of the time I feel just fine, but occasionally I do get depressed despite the fact that my life is great. Thankfully I have a great support system. My Partner has similar issues, and is very understanding. She listens if I need to talk, holds me, and generally sort of pampers me. We’ll just hang out around the house and play video games or watch movies. This cheers me up some, or at the very least, makes the depression much more tolerable. However negative my mood might be, I know I’m loved. That makes all the difference.

Hopefully, at this point, I’ll blog a bit more frequently. Life got more chaotic than normal for a while there. With help from my Partner and a few great friends, I got through it. I’m lucky in a way. Not everyone has a social support system like mine.

Knights in Shining Armor

Feelings so often get "in the way," but they are what makes our worlds go 'round.  These are our glasses, our lights by which we see.  Without them, we are merely surviving.

July 11, 2012

Kayla:  I'm like here and stuff... dawg.

Brittany:  k. shows you offline though.

Kayla:  It always does. I try to stay all incognito so I don't get bombarded all day long w/ pms while I'm trying to fb and work at the same time.

Brittany:  pms?

Kayla:  PMs? Private message... oldskool term, I guess... I'm old. And technologically square.

Brittany:  Oh. Yeah. That's not what I thought you meant.

Kayla:  (not premenstrual syndrome, as it may at first have looked) lol

How's life been going?


Brittany:  I've discovered writing apparently makes me hot. I went out in the back yard for quite a while to be left alone. When I came back, she said, “You're hot after you write for hours."
I'm like, "How so?"
"The way your hair gets all messy and you look like you just got back from some faraway place."

Kayla:  Writers ARE hot. That just goes without saying. (Look at Neil Gaiman!)

Brittany:  She totally got laid after that. Basically said I'm hot when I think I look like shit.

Kayla:  Hey, whatever works...

Brittany:  Well, it's not difficult with me.

Kayla:  I sort of sussed that out, yeah...

Brittany:  She's hot as fuck, she loves me as I am. I'm happy.

Kayla:  Good, lovergirl. Glad the world is looking up.  ;)

Brittany:  She puts up with my unfortunate crush on Carmen, too. Which is probably the only stressful thing going on right now.

Kayla:  Meh... you can't help a crush. That's just how people work. Why is it stressful?

Brittany:  Carmen and I get into fights all the time and I wish we didn't. Trisha understands it, and knows I wouldn't actually pursue it even it if it were an option.

Kayla:  What on earth do you fight about? That mystifies me. I mean, you're not sleeping together, coparenting, or cohabitating... what's left?

Brittany:  The feelings just got real strong after a while. It influences my behavior and how I take certain things in conversations, I guess. They interfere with the friendship. Maybe I can email one of the texts from after our last fight. It's very long. (I just converted it to a media message so I could write as much as I want.)

Kayla:  Oh... did she say she would do something, or did you have some expectation, and she didn't come through? I find that's usually what pisses Brittany off... you're very sensitive about being ignored or let down.

Brittany:  No. She didn't do anything. It just turned so intense for me, that it's caused communication problems.

Kayla:  Just remember to breathe and try not to put too many expectations--especially emotional expectations--on her. Take it lightly. (which is kind of like telling a fish not to swim, but...) wait... what's your sign again?

Brittany:  Capricorn. But Leo moon. If you're thinking signs, go with the moon on this.

Ok. The email thing worked, so I'll send it. It's very long and not formatted at all. It's a text I sent after an argument we had:

I don't hate you. & I wasn't trying to hang out or lessen the space. I pretty much stay in my house w my girls anymore. Sometimes we hang w Crystal, & that's enough. Really just wanted to say hi & let you know I'd still do a site for free if you needed one. I don't want you to feel guilty. Somehow you just came off cold, or it seemed that way to me, when you said you'd talk to me later. We just get into these text fights & I feel like you stopped caring or something. & the boob job comment & telling me to see someone at the equality center cut really deep, & that makes it seem more that way. Besides, I do get my hormones from a professional. I'm not getting them off the market or whatever. Maybe that's not what you were trying to do, but that's what happened. & texted is such bad communication. We say perfectly innocuous things, but they sound like insults. & my past experiences w people don't help. I'm more used to "Stephanies" than people like Trisha, or like you or Crystal. It's what I expect. I know a lot of people. Close to almost none of them. I guess the outside world is just an ugly place to me. That's why I organized my life the way I did. & the stupid crush thing. I think it's gone, then "oh nevermind." Then I feel bad bc it stresses you out, & I'm only supposed to feel that way about Trisha. & I don't have these issues w Crystal. I totally love & appreciate everything you did, but at the same time, I almost wish I didn't tell you after I got raped. You were all knight in shining armor after that. More than anyone else, & I think that's where this came from. Like if I didn't tell you, we wouldn't be fighting all the time now 

Brittany:  That pretty much explains it in unformatted dumping my whole heart out style.

Kayla:  Woah... boob job comment and telling you to see someone at the Equality Center... what was that about? That sounds out of line from this end, but I don't know the context.

Brittany:  That was from a fight before. She had said something about why hormones? Just go get a boob job like I did. $5k.  And she said to see a professional. The things that happen when people are fighting. Although, if I do get a boob job, I'm going to that guy. She's shown me her boobs before. They're great.

Kayla:  ... But... just a boob job doesn't (in my garish, clumsy verbiage) "make" you a woman throughout your whole system. I mean, that doesn't do anything but give you some fake boobs...
I mean, that's all well and good, but not JUST a boob job... seems to me you need the hormones to make a full transformation. Am I wrong?

Brittany:  Yeah. And that's why I was all hurt over it for however many weeks, until it came up again later.  I felt like my gender was attacked.

Kayla:  Maybe she didn't mean it that way... maybe she just doesn't understand all the ins and outs of this.

Brittany:  But what happens is, if she flakes or something, I take it way more personally than I should
and it's all thinking this person doesn't love me anymore, blah blah blah. It's not her fault.

Kayla:  Yeah, you have to stop doing that to yourself and others... this thinking people don't care... people react in all kinds of freaky ways to things they don't understand... it doesn't necessarily mean they don't care.

Also, in her defense (just 'cause I just thought of this angle), a lot of women, ESPECIALLY women who are into natural healing, etc., are very afraid of synthetic hormones. Estrogen has wrought havoc on a lot of women going through menopause, raising their cancer rates, etc... maybe this is just her way of showing she's concerned, but without trying to mother you... (I am totally guessing here, since I don't know this chick from Eve)

Brittany:  Well, maybe.

The texts from her after that are short enough where I can just type them.

Kayla:  What are they?

Brittany:  I said something about that I was just gonna pass out with Trisha and wake up the next day with her.
Then, "yay sounds good... all in all i luv you a lot & am pretty confident we will be friends for a long time"
"big big hearts!!"
"but before you go to bed, know i never ever mean to hurt your feeling"
"you & trisha are some of the few ppl i have in muh heart"

Kayla:  Aw... see she DOES love you!

Brittany:  Yeah. It just doesn't always feel that way. Usually feelings like this don't get that complicated, but it's the knight in shining armor effect, I guess.

Kayla:  You're not letting yourself feel it. I believe she wouldn't say it if she didn't mean it. But you can't push people to love you. She will show it her own way in her own time... but you push people and they will run away because then it starts to feel like you aren't loving them.

Brittany:  It's amazing how that affects me when women do it, but when men do it, I almost find it insulting.

Kayla:  When men do what? What do you mean?

Brittany:  The knight in shining armor thing.

Kayla:  Oh... it's a different thing, maybe, coming from a woman? I doubt she seemed condescending to you when she did it...

Brittany:  Which is exactly what she was. Trisha too, but not really until later. And, no she didn't.

I totally love that shit from women. Like, "Yeah. You're my protector."  Which is why I said I almost wished I didn't tell her after the rape. No knight in shining armor stuff would've happened, and the crush probably would not have reached this level. It's like I feel towards her the same way I feel towards Trisha, and it's very annoying.

I don't know if this is making more sense to you.

Kayla:  Ah... possibly (on the knight in shining armor stuff). But, you wouldn't have had the opportunity for this kind of awesome relationship, either. Something about that moment (with Carmen), from my perspective anyway, turned a course in your life. And I'm almost positive it had more to do with you than it did her.

Brittany:  Yeah. And maybe it'll go away with time, so mostly I'm just hanging with Trisha and the girls, and being pretty antisocial.

Kayla:  But you are in such an amazing place now. Don't take that for granted. Maybe it would help you sort some of these feelings out if you could see how you let her help you and how, as much as she was giving to you, you let her give it, you let her in. Which, in turn, enabled you to be strong enough to let Trisha in.

Brittany:  Carmen is totally one of my friends. I love and appreciate her. This is more me than her. I do let Trisha in. It just happened later because we weren't really in touch right after the rape happened.

Something is off here. She and Trisha did the same thing eventually. I feel about the same way towards both of them, but of course I have Trisha. No stress on that end.


Kayla:  You know me... I believe in fate... I think you needed Carmen to get to (to be ready and available for) Trisha... I could be a million miles off, but that's how this situation feels to me.

Brittany:  I don't know. Maybe that's it. Sounds nice, anyway.

Kayla:  But... what's off?


Brittany:  Like I think you're thinking I feel more for Carmen than Trisha , and that isn't it. I totally let Trisha in. Which is why, for now, I'm just chilling with my family here, not really anyone else. Probably won't actually talk to Carmen for a while, but eventually things will go back to normal and we'll probably be fine.

Kayla:  No, no, no.... that's not what I think at all. No... I only feel that maybe Carmen was... sort of a stepping stone to Trisha... and Trisha is the more fully realized complete love in your life... I don't think a relationship with Carmen would ever be as fulfilling to you as Trisha has been and still is... I think Trisha is actually more to you... and Carmen is more a... symbol (without trying to diminish her role here any).

sigh... you wanted girl talk... here you are.

Brittany: She's kinda like Crystal in a way. I don't have a crush on Crystal, but they're my best friends in the world.

Kayla:  Like sisters? Big sisters, maybe (in Carmen's knightly role), but sisters... yeah? That's how I think of my best girlfriends, anyway... like the sisters I never had.

Brittany:  Like if I made it all big with writing and had millions and millions of dollars to throw around, after getting some super badass house for me and the girls, I'd totally like buy a better house for Crystal and Jerry and buy Carmen a house.  Like, "You're great people. Have some houses." lol.

Kayla:  Yep. They're family. I feel exactly the same way about mine.   (for when I win the lottery)

Brittany:  Yeah. Like sisters I guess.

Kayla:  That line between loving and being in love with is always a bit shadowy. Especially when your besties fall under the radar of your sexual orientation.

Brittany:  Yeah. That's how it is if you're a girls' girl AND a dyke. Lol. You like girls & all your friends are girls.

Kayla:  Exactly... and that is one position I DON'T envy you. lol!

By the way... you ever thought of writing smut for money? I hear you can make a pretty penny writing smut. And since it's always on your brain...

Brittany:  Maybe I should do that. There is plenty of raunch in the novel I'm working on.

Kayla:  You totally should.  But, shit, it's 8:00. You know my coach turns into a pumpkin at 8:00 and I've gotta' feed people. Making grass-fed cheeseburgers tonight. So much fuckin' yum.

You got somethin' there with Trisha. Somethin' big if she's strong enough to deal with you crying over another woman. Do NOT ever, ever, ever take her for granted. I'm just sayin'.
(this is a public service announcement from concerned citizens in Brittany's corner)

Brittany:  I don't take her for granted at all. She's my favorite person EVER. If it wasn't for Trisha, I'd have probably left town or who knows what by now.

Kayla:  She better be! She's a fuckin' rock star! I must meet this amazing woman sometime soon. Seriously. We need a lunch date, the 3 of us. One of these days.

Brittany:  Like that "new relationship smell" still hasn't worn off. Lol.
Kayla:  Look, you guys can keep your smell to yourself, ok?  ;)

Brittany:  That's a new thing for me. i think this will last a long long time.

Kayla:  Gods I hope so. It's beautiful.

Brittany:  Yep. Two misanthropes together. It's great.

Kayla:  Anyway, I gotta' go feed peeps! and I'm HUNGRY!

Brittany:  Ok. Enjoy dinner.

Kayla:  I will. You enjoy Trisha. Tell her I said she's amazing.

Brittany:  She said, "thanks for pointing out the obvious." lolz

Kayla:  LMFAO!   Love you guys.

Brittany:  You too. I'll message you tomorrow.

The Obligatory Childhood Post

Since you can't talk about shit like a gender transition without people wanting to know about your childhood, here's a little glimpse into mine...

The first memory I have of feeling female, or at least of feeling uncomfortable with my “maleness” was taking P.E. (physical education) in grade school. They typically had classes segregated by sex. I always felt like an outsider hanging around a bunch of boys for an hour. Dodge ball stands out. What a stupid sport anyway. All I learned was how to throw shit at people. It was ALWAYS girls verses boys. There were other occasional “battle of the sexes” activities. From the time we’re barely developed enough to piss on our own, we’re taught that boys and girls are somehow in opposition to each other. If you’re on the wrong team, you’re very aware of this.  Besides feeling like an outsider, I knew I related with the girls. I wanted them to win, even though I had to be on the losing team for that to happen. I kept this to myself as a matter of self preservation, which I’ve always had a knack for.  Most of my friends were girls. At almost 35, most of my friends are still girls. When I had typical childhood fantasies of being a rock star and that sort of thing, I was a girl. I hung out with my sister and her friends a lot, generally being the only boy.

I didn’t really have a complete concept of all this as a kid. I suspect most kids don’t, but I imagine the Internet helps these days. I just knew there was sort of a discrepancy between how I saw myself and how other people saw me. I remember starting to grow a little bit of body hair at about age 11. Then acne came along. A lot of it. It annoyed me to no end. I got bullied in the 6th grade quite a bit. I was too different from the other boys, and the train wreck that was my acne made it worse. Chased around the playground, spit on, etc. I guess it was fairly standard kid bullshit. That only made me feel that much more disconnected from them, since I apparently wasn’t enough of an asshole to be a pre-teenage boy. I wasn’t really one of the girls either, so I basically became a loner. Being left the fuck alone was as good as it got in the 6th grade.

What you learn to do is hide the things that make you a target just under the surface, which I successfully did all the way through school. When all the 1990s Grunge stuff came along, there was my perfect excuse for long hair & long pretty fingernails. I first grew my nails out at age 14 at the request of my first girlfriend. At least it turned out I have perfect nails. I was happy about that. 20 years later, I have yet to go back to having them short.

Even between high school and college, when my friend Shari and I spent a little bit of time sleeping on park benches near Cherry Street, I hated beard shadow. I might not have always cared about shower access, but I made sure to shave each day when whore bathing in the Java Dave’s restroom. She still has the 13 star flag we stole from some balcony because we needed a blanket. That was 15 or 16 years ago. Something like that. I had one of my better hair cuts around that time. My friend Marta was in beauty school. She gave me this angle cut where it was straightened, about to the bottom of my neck in the back, and as you went to the front, about chest-length. That was free. She was in school. Everyone loved it almost as much as I did. I basically presented myself as a feminine, young gay male. Once I went to college, I decided I’d grow the beard out and such, and attempt to be more masculine, but still identified as a gay male. It seemed like a good explanation for everything. I sort of switched back and forth between presenting myself as feminine and as masculine until well past 30 years of age, before I just couldn’t fake it anymore.

You can only hold a balloon underwater for so long. Eventually you’re going to get tired of it and slip. I got tired of it. It’s a lot easier to live my life when I’m not expending most of my energy trying to hold a big part of it underwater. Balloons are no fun under water anyway. Now that I’m above the surface, although there are still struggles, my life is a lot more fun and a lot more full.

My childhood sucked in the social sense (Family situation was fine. I grew up in a reasonably healthy and loving home). That may explain some of my misanthropic and anti-social tendencies. I’m slow to trust. I don’t leave home that much, as I’ve successfully organized almost my entire life within my home. Thankfully, I’m basically past it. It doesn’t torture my soul or anything like that. People seem to love me more than they ever did before. I have more friends than ever. People seem to take an interest in how I’m doing if I fall out of touch. I have my beautiful partner and our beautiful daughters. Life is so much better now that I just put it all on the table and decided to actually LIVE. Fuck those who didn’t like me when I was a child, and fuck those who don’t now. When you just be YOU and live your life, the people who do love you actually love YOU instead of some facade.

Solving Life's Great Mysteries

Will Dad ever fully come around to accepting his son-turned-lesbo-daughter? Does Brittany still have sperm? What is the difference between swingers and poly people? Brittany and Kayla attempt to answer all these questions and more.

June 26, 2012

Kayla:  So, I saw you had a date with dad. How'd that go?

Brittany:  It was alright. It was just me, so the girls had to fend for themselves that night. Not gonna say everything is better with him, but there is improvement.

Kayla:  I assume you two talked about the gender transition? Or... at least his acceptance of it?

Brittany:  No, actually. That's what makes me cautious. It just kinda went down like shit was never bad in the first place. But we'll see how it goes over time. I haven't talked to him since that night.

Kayla:  Sigh... so what did you talk about?

Brittany:  We talked about the usual stuff. Basically a bunch of small talk.

Kayla:  Ah. You just drove around, I guess? Go out to eat or anything?

Brittany:  We ate over there. He made a couple steaks. Add a couple martinis and I realized how my alcohol tolerance has gone down.

Kayla:  Lol! Cheap date.  But... no going out in public, I guess...

Brittany:  No. I just went over there for a while, then came home.

Kayla:  Well, at least he wasn't hateful... and he made an effort to invite you out. That's something.

Brittany:  Sorry. It's awkward to talk about, I think because it seems somehow so insignificant.

Kayla:  Yeah... I get that. Blah.

Brittany:  But it's an improvement. I still haven't talked to my mom, but I give 0 fucks I guess. She's crazy. At least my dad is fairly calm most of the time.

Kayla:  That's good... good to have the "fairly calm" one still talking to you. Better than the alternative.
What else has been going on?

Brittany:  Mostly living this family life. I'm becoming accustomed to it, which is a good thing.
Crystal is 37 weeks now apparently.

Kayla:  Oh good for her! Is she super excited?

Brittany:  Yeah. She's been trying for a while. She wanted her boy and got it.

Kayla:  I know she has. I'm so glad this finally worked out for them. Oh, a boy! Do they have a name yet?

Brittany:  I think Jerry, actually. His dad's name and grandpa's name (on Jerry's side). Yeah. Jerry Jerome IV.

Kayla:  Ah. Family name. Cool.

Brittany:  Yeah, and she said she's getting fixed immediately after. Lol. She just wanted one more, I guess.

Kayla:  The earth thanks her for being so sensible.

Brittany:  Trisha got fixed after 2. She's fixed. I'm sterile. No worries there.

Kayla:  I think 2's a good number. I never wanted any more than 3. Not that I got anywhere near that number.

That is the nice thing about being a lesbian couple. Nobody's gotta' worry about getting knocked up.

Brittany:  Yeah, though i'm pre-op

Kayla:  That's true... I guess you've still got all your baby-making equipment. Why are you sterile? What happened?

Brittany:  Just hormones. Female hormones eventually make you sterile.

People like me, anyway.

Kayla:  I didn't know they'd make you sterile. Makes sense, I suppose, if the hormones lower your testosterone levels enough... I don't understand how that affects your sperm count, though.

Brittany:   I still have sperm, they just don't do anything. Lol.

Kayla:  They don't do anything? Man, I'm gonna' need a biology text book to follow this... why don't they "do anything?" (or do you know?)

Brittany:   Because they aren't healthy enough to do anything.

But that's fine. Fathering a child would be like the epitome of awkward.  I guess some people use a sperm bank and such. It's not an issue for me. Even when I got the blood work that said “sterile,” I didn't feel like I lost anything.

Kayla:  Not everyone feels driven to create progeny. I've got at least one friend (other than you) who never felt like that mattered to her.

Or, rather, I should say she felt strongly that she *shouldn't* have children... sociological and environmental reasons, I think mostly. But that would take a guest interview to get to the bottom of that topic.

Brittany:   Fine by me.

To me, I was happy to find out. That meant we could fluid bond for sure since no one could make half a kid.

Kayla:  We'll have to see if we can pull her in sometime. My Sarah - you know her online. She reads us.  And just think of the threesome jokes!

Brittany:  The one in Minneapolis?

Kayla:   Yes'm.

*snort* "half a kid" ... that just creates all kinds of horror story visuals.

Brittany:  Maybe I don't have sperm. I can't remember. There are either none in there, or they're useless. I'll ask my hormone doctor next time.

Kayla:  Do that. For posterity and all.

Brittany:  Point is, I can't make any babies and that's good enough for me. Lol.

Kayla:  And you didn't actually have to have an operation to get that way! Win!

Brittany:  lol.

Kayla:  Though I'm sure the world wide web will be on the edge of their seats, waiting to find out if you do, in fact, still have sperm.

These are the pressing questions in life.

Brittany:  I texted, but I'm waiting.

Kayla:  Lol! You actually just texted that question to your hormone doc?

Brittany:  Yeah. Lol, why not?

Kayla:  If your hormone doc answers you tonight, we will have to post his/her name on here and shout it from the rooftops - ANYONE GOING THROUGH A GENDER TRANSITION, THIS HORMONE DOC ROCKS!

(Just sayin')

Brittany:  She's the one from the equality center who retired. I haven't seen a new one yet since I have so many refills.

Kayla:  Oh hells bells... of course she's retired... oh well.  How long will your refills carry you?

Brittany:  5 months. She gave me referrals. I'll pick one when it gets closer.

Kayla:  Oh, that's good. At least you have some names to start with...

Having an on-call retired hormone doc rocks.

Brittany:  Bitches love me. I can't help it.

Oh ok. No sperm, or too few unhealthy ones. They don't get produced because the cells atrophy. Nice.
But it looks the same so whatever.

Kayla:  They atrophe... wow... it's so sad, and yet... so very convenient!

You're lovable. And no, you can't.

Brittany:  I guess it's not like we'd have any accidental pregnancies, anyway, with her being fixed.

Kayla:  True.

Brittany:  But I wanted everything 100% before we started doing things that way, and only with each other.

Kayla:  Always better to be safe than sorry. (I sound like a goddamned public service announcement.)

Brittany:  Not that we really go looking for anyone else. That's basically theoretical, I guess. We can if we communicate about it, but we don't.

Kayla:  When you're really fulfilled with your partner, looking outside is rarely necessary... maybe if you guys just get bored or something... but you sound like you're too into each other to get bored.

Brittany:  I guess there just isn't a need, but if it happens, safe sex is required. That way our little world stays closed off from problems.

Kayla:  Definitely.

Brittany:  Once neither of us could make babies, we confirmed being negative on diseases, and decided we don't need protection with each other.

This must be something for you to sit there and read, lol.

Kayla:  What do you mean? About you and Trisha's open relationship?

Brittany:  Not that so much as I told you we don't use condoms and such. Lol. She thinks it's funny when I show her this.

Kayla:  I bet it's really funny for her! You're talking about her sex life w/ someone she's never met! That is one open, trusting broad.   (Hi Trisha!)

But, that's how married or seriously committed couples do it... it gets to where the only thing necessary is birth control... and that's only if the partners are both still fertile. It's the beauty of a committed relationship... you no longer have to worry (so long as everyone is being COMPLETELY honest) about STDs.

Brittany:  Yeah. Some call it "fluid bonding." Like poly people. That's what they call it. We're not poly, but that's where I got the term.

Kayla:  Fluid bonding... that sounds almost alien.

Brittany:  She says hi, and she's used to me being obnoxious. Lol.

Kayla:  Ok, hold on... definitions... poly is... polyamorous? Is that right? In layman's terms... swingers?

And that's why she's perfect for you.

Brittany:  Polyamorous. Not necessarily swingers.

Kayla:  Yup... explain.

Brittany:  Like relationships with more than 2 people all together. Like a triad instead of a couple. I'm not an expert, but swinging is more like going out and trading partners for fun and going back home.

Kayla:  Oh, oh, oh... like people who are in a polygamous committed relationship... I get it! Yeah, I think you're right about swingers. I think I understand the difference now.

Brittany: Yeah. I have this book lying around. Give me a minute. I'll go smoke and when I get back I'll find it and tell you the title. You'll learn more that way.

(Cuing up intermission music.  Keep your shirt on, she'll be back... shhh... shhh)

5 minutes later...

Brittany:  Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships - Tristan Taormino
I have a copy and have already read it.

Wait, that was an audio book. This is the book book: http://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1340758916&sr=1-1&keywords=opening+up

Kayla:  Oh wow... cool. And it explains the differences between swingers and polyamorous relationships?

This is what I get for being a straight girl in Oklahoma... the big wide world of sexual orientation and activity eludes me sometimes. :}

Brittany:  Yeah, and other types of arrangements people have. Ours is more like "monogamy with benefits," but pretty much in theory only. If we don't have needs the other can't meet, why bother?

Kayla:  That's my perspective. But that's a personal philosophy, I guess... I've always thought a really good relationship shouldn't require any other parties involved. But I'm not judging, that's just how I feel for my life.

Brittany:  Yeah. Well, as it is, it's theoretical, but sex doesn't equal relationship. We're in a partnership because we love each other and want to share life, not because we're fucking each other.

Kayla:  I know... that's why I said it's my personal philosophy for my life, not anyone else's. Sex means different things to different people. You hook up with the ones who jive most closely to your view of relationships.

Brittany:  lol. Not really. Most people seem to look at it that way. And, that book isn't preachy. Just explains some other ways people do things

Kayla:  But not everyone, and that's why there are different kinds of relationships. It's like, "most people" eat meat, but there are some pretty hardcore vegans out there, and am I gonna' judge 'em? Hell no. It's not my life. What the fuck do I know?

Brittany:  More meat for me. It's like, if you don't like snatch, that's cool. More for me.

VAGINA!

I’m a lesbian. I don’t think I really fully understood that until recently, but that’s part of who I am.

I never really related to women as a man, and had minimal interest in them for most of my life. When I was really young, people just thought I was a gay male because of my mannerisms and various stereotypes. That seemed to make sense to me, and provided an opportunity for denial, so I went with it for a while. It’s easier to come out as gay than as transgender. I dated guys and primarily slept with guys for many years. The guys I was attracted to tended to be pretty feminine in appearance and mannerisms, so it basically worked. I never felt like I could relate to the average man, though. The relationships I had weren’t something I took very seriously, unlike the scattered few relationships I had with women back then. The sex was shallow. Kept me successfully hidden in the closet about my gender.

It can also feel awkward to refer to myself as lesbian regardless of how true it is. It depends on who I’m talking to. One issue is I don’t like being compared to these idiot straight men who like to say they’re “lesbian trapped in men’s bodies.” Little do they know, that shit actually happens, and I don’t care to have my situation trivialized or turned into a joke. Sometimes I also don’t feel like I’ve earned the title of lesbian. I wasn’t born with a vagina. I didn’t grow up as a girl. I had white male privilege, but only in theory. I never really knew how to use it. Giving it up has created no sense of loss.

Even recently I was referring to myself as bisexual and kind of believed that, but the truth of the matter is I never think “Oh, I’d really like some dick today.” I’m attracted to women physically and emotionally. I like pussy. I think more like women I know than men I know. I like it when women are protective of me. I can sit with another woman and have deep conversations about things involving emotions and relationships, but this is just awkward, if not impossible for me with most men. If you look at the people I’m friends with, almost all of them are female, and the ones I’m closest to and have the most intimate and fulfilling friendships with ARE ALL female. It’s been that way my entire life. Even as a young child, I almost exclusively hung out with girls. In a way, my gender identity was probably kind of obvious, but I didn’t know what it meant when I pictured myself as one of them when I was 5, 6 years old.

It isn’t that I have anything against men or can’t connect with them emotionally. It just doesn’t occur on as deep of a level. I think the longest relationship I had with a man was with Ben back in 2006. That lasted about 13 months. I don’t know HOW it lasted 13 months, but it did. All we did was fight all the time. We were living together for about the last half of that time period. He was in no way a bad person. Quite the opposite, but it was like this empty relationship. I couldn’t deal with his minor personality annoyances. I used to leave the house all the time. Basically, I spent half the relationship at Crystal and Jerry’s house or fishing with my friend Chris. The relationship eventually ended. I never really gave him as much attention as he needed. He couldn’t properly fulfill my needs. Oil and water.

My current relationship with Trisha is by far the happiest relationship I’ve ever been in. We connect emotionally and physically. I love the conversations. I love the fact that she understands me so well, & takes care of me the way she does. I feel safe and loved with her. Her sense of humor is a lot like mine. We share a love for crappy B horror and action films. The sex is also great. Every time. No man has ever made me feel the way she makes me feel.

I enjoy the family life too, which is new to me. Trisha has 2 daughters from a previous marriage. I love them like they’re my own. We’re basically a dyke couple raising children. We raise them with love and compassion, encourage them to be who they are without apologies, and teach them how to live in the world as best we can. I love taking them out to places, like the zoo, restaurants, parks, etc. I cook for everyone most days, which I fucking love. I’m good at it. I cook good meals. If you don’t think people like us can raise healthy children, you’re sorely mistaken.

I swear, at about 6 months shy of 35 years old, I feel like a fucking teenager again sometimes. All this trial and error. All this "discovering myself." It's amazing how pretty much everything in life is wrapped up in our genders. Most people can just take that for granted, so it's all very simple. Nevertheless, I'm starting to get a more complete picture of who I am & what makes me tick. Vaginas are apparently a big part of that. I might as well just be open about it.

Today I've been on hormones for 1 year. I took the first pills early in the morning on 6.22.2011. Been a daily thing ever since then.

Once upon a time I looked like this (on the left):

Face It, Your Son is a Dyke

Relationships are hard.  Sometimes, relationships with your own family can be the hardest of all.  And right now, Brittany is thinking to herself, "she said 'hard.'"  I'm glad we could have this chat.

June 6, 2012

Kayla:  Hey lady! So, what's been goin' on?

Brittany:  Nothing heavy really.  My mood is better now, etc.

Kayla:  That's good. I was starting to get worried about you.

Brittany:  It happens. I've always dealt with depression spells. Less frequent now since I'm happy, but still possible.

Kayla:  That sucks. Did anything in particular happen to set it off this time?

Brittany:  Not really. Just happened... other than luck of sleep possibly.

Kayla:  Yeah, that'll do it. I get weird if I don't get enough sleep, too.

Brittany:  I don't even know what happened. I never have trouble sleeping with Trisha in the bed. I sure did that night, though. The whole next day I had that cracked out feeling like after you've been tweaking a little too long and are coming down. So maybe that triggered it.

Kayla:  Ugh. Glad you finally crashed, though.

Brittany:  Yeah. Trisha was fucking awesome about that. She just told me to take some of my pills and go to sleep, and she'd take care of the shit I normally do.

Kayla:  That's awesome.

Brittany:  Yeah. I found the right woman apparently.

Kayla:  So how is life in hormone-land?

Brittany:  Hormones are good. I'm on max doses now. Have been for about a month, I guess.
More tit development. Still small, but at least I look good in a spaghetti strap.

Kayla:  Lol! That's true. It does definitely seem to be more noticeable now.

When you maxed out the dose, did it mess with you any? Mood swings or weight issues or anything?

Brittany:  I eat and work out about the same as always, so not really.  I'm pretty much happy with my weight. Stepping it up gradually probably keeps side effects down.

Kayla:  Yeah, probably. And are you still doing the voice exercises?

Brittany:  Yeah. It's getting easier than before, but still something I have to be consciously aware of, or I go to pretty close to my normal voice.

Kayla:  Do you ever practice with Trisha?   (that image is just too cute in my head)

Brittany:  Kind of. Mostly after practicing by myself. It's kind of a daytime thing.  And I'm glad to have her and the girls.

I still haven't talked to my dad in however many weeks. I'm in and out of touch with my mom. She'll get over it before my dad.

Kayla:  Yeah... I was going to get around to that one... what happened there, exactly? (or... even vaguely)

Brittany:  He went out of the country with his wife for like 3 weeks, so we watched his dog, which he pays me for. When they came to get her, I was wearing a spaghetti and was obviously with Trisha. He looked at me kinda weird, gave me the dog money, and left without saying much.

Kayla:  Ok... then what? Did you get in an argument about it later or something?

Brittany:  Nope. Nothing really. All was left unsaid. Though when I was at Crystal's baby shower, my sister was having a housewarming party later that night. We were gonna go, but then I got the text saying, "Make yourselves presentable. You know what I mean. And don't be so affectionate."

Kayla:  That. Is. Asinine. So, you in a spaghetti-strap shirt, arms around your girlfriend, isn't presentable enough?

Brittany:  Well, she was just sitting on the couch when he came over anyway, but when we do go out, there's a lot of PDA. But that's my partner. That's the way it is. She isn't that conventional in appearance either and it's like it was pretty acceptable when I came out as a "gay man" years ago, but now I'm a transwoman. I can say I'm bi all I want, but lets face it, I'm a dyke.

Kayla:  Oh... they didn't have issues with your PDA when you were a "boy" with a boy?

Brittany:  They didn't meet many boyfriends. Most of my involvements with men were always casual, go home in the morning.

Kayla:  Ah. It sounds (to me, just based on this) that they're ok with "whatever" as long as they don't actually have to see it and deal with it in person.

Brittany:  I guess. It was kind of that way when I came out trans. No visible results at first, but then it started getting real, I guess.

Kayla:  That sounds about right... sounds like your people are pretty non-confrontational... like they might avoid the issue entirely rather than deal with an argument or whatever.

Brittany:  My parents are, yeah. Maybe they know better than to argue with me. I'm really really good at it.

There was that point, I think, where people expected me to be a gay man with my mannerisms or whatever. I convinced myself of that for a while.

Kayla:  I was going to ask you about that, too. I, of course, thought you were gay way-back-when as well. But, were you ever really attracted to men the way you are women?

Brittany:  Not really. I just had no interest in women as a man. I might have had some interest in men, but never really took that seriously. It was just fun mostly. And it's easy to get men. Anyone can can get men. It was a good way to get laid, pimpin' and shit at Majestic.

Kayla:  So, then, your sexuality really didn't fully express itself until you made peace with the idea that you're trans...

Brittany:  Pretty much. It's like "coming out" again. Twice even.

Kayla:  Ha! I guess it is!  But, this time it's for real. At least for your family.

Brittany:  But hey, that's the way it is. I'm who I am.

Kayla:  Well, they'll just have to get used to it, I suppose.

How do you feel about how they've handled this lately?

Brittany:  Too bad for them... and maybe that contributes to the depression. I don't know for sure.

Kayla:  I suppose it's an obvious assumption (because who wouldn't), but do you think you're dealing with feeling abandoned or rejected... and maybe not really dealing with it? Seems like depression often comes when we're not really looking at something... for me, anyway.

Brittany:  Yeah. I said that to Trisha and Carmen at different points, so I know I have freshly created abandonment issues.

Kayla:  It's normal. It would be better if you and your folks could just talk about it. But I get the feeling they're not really up for that.

Brittany:  I doubt it. I think they want things their way. Their way isn't gonna happen.

Kayla:  No, it isn't. And that's something THEY should have to deal with.

Brittany:  Right.

Kayla:  It's not like you're telling them you don't love them anymore.

Brittany:  I know.

Kayla:  And that's the worst thing about these kinds of things... people have such a need to control the actions and lifestyles of other people. If they could grow up and realize that their identity does not have to be tied to your identity--that who you are doesn't change who they are--they could deal with this a whole lot better.

Brittany:  I know. Maybe I'll use that line sometime.

Kayla:  It's easier to think of this stuff when it isn't you that's going through it.

Have you spoken to your sister since the "be presentable" message?

Brittany:  A little. She has no issue herself, but we're not really close. We just kinda see each other in passing.

Kayla:  Yeah, I understand. Hmmm... well, what will you do? Are you going to bring the issue up or wait for them to?

Brittany:  I'll just wait for them, I think. I'm sort of starting to come to terms with it, and I have my own family to tend to now.

Kayla:  Yes. Priorities. Your elders can take care of themselves. They'll grow up in their own time or they won't. You just do what's best for you.

And keep talking. Don't bottle stuff up. That shit'll eat you alive.

Brittany:  Face it. Your son is a dyke. Like, really, a dyke.

Kayla:  I want that on a bumper sticker.

Brittany:  Sort of saying that in my head, not to you.

Kayla:  Lmao! I assumed so! (but who knows... he could be...)

Recovery, Romance, and Bad Conversation

In which we discuss Brittany's new love, renewed strength, and utterly fail to communicate.  I heckle us in pink italics.  Love and laughs! ~ Kayla

March 20, 2012

Kayla:  Hey, did we miss each other again?

Brittany:  I guess. I waited 20 min and got bored.  Here now though.

Kayla:  Oh there you are! Lol, I was waiting for you! ;)  Sorry, should've said something sooner. I was cooking w/ one eye on the computer, waiting to see you on here.

Well, anywho, how's it been going?

Brittany:  Things have been going well.

Kayla:  Things are good with Trisha?

Brittany:  Yeah, we hang out more days than not. Here on weekends. More over there during the week.  We had dinner yesterday for being together a month.  We got each other flowers and basically ended up trading them with each other.

Kayla:  That's awesome. Did you cook?

Brittany:  I usually cook.  I'm totally "the chick" in this relationship.  :)

Kayla:  I could've seen that coming. ;) Seems like this relationship is helping you deal with everything that's happened over the past few months.

Brittany:  Yeah. She definitely gets me.  I would have liked to go to the zoo or something kids friendly, but the weather was shit yesterday.  Maybe later.

Kayla:  Oh, does Trisha have a kid?

Brittany:  She has two.  She's not as young as she looks. Lol.

Kayla:  That's cool. Do they know you?

Brittany:  Yeah.  They're great.  When they come over here on weekends, they just crash on the pullout in the back bedroom, which is ok.  The bedrooms don't share a wall.  lol

Kayla:  That is handy. ;)

Brittany:  She has primary custody. They go to her ex's every other weekend.

Kayla:  It's cool that she's open enough that the kids can be around. In some places that might not be a big deal, but here in Oklahoma, I've seen enough mudslinging in custody battles to know that you found someone truly brave and special. It's also good that she has primary custody. That cuts down on a lot of bullshit.

Brittany:  Yeah. I don't really know his opinion of this. I don't think he cares, honestly. I guess if he cared, he wouldn't have left her while she was deployed.  But that's just my opinion.

This is where everything goes to hell.  Watch as we epitomize the phrase, “a failure to communicate.”

Kayla:  So much the better!

Oh, is she trans, too? Is that what you mean?

Brittany:  lol  Deployed doesn't mean trans.  It means she had to go to Iraq when she was in the army. --My favorite line in this whole FUBARed conversation.


Kayla:  No, silly, not deployed! I meant as to why he would've left her! You weren't with her when she was in the army.

(right?)

Brittany:  No. I knew her then, but nothing was really going on.

Kayla:  Ok, but why would him caring whether his kids are around her trans girlfriend now have effected his staying with her then?

Brittany:  What?

Kayla:  (this is where typing conversations gets sticky) ;)

Brittany:  I'm sure that had nothing to do with me.

And this is where we start typing over each other, which only makes matters worse. 


Kayla:  Lmao! Ok, back up. I said it was good that she's open enough that you could be around the kids. What I meant was that it's good that she's open enough to have a relationship with a trans woman and still be able to have the kids involved w/ that relationship.

Brittany:  I think he left her because he couldn't wait for her to get back.

Kayla:  You said the kids' dad didn't seem to care, either. And then you said if he did care, he probably wouldn't have left her when she was in the army. 'Splain.

OH! gotcha. But, he doesn't care if you're in his kids' lives?

Brittany:  Well, I think if you leave your person because of their job, that doesn't show caring.

Kayla:  Again, it SHOULDN'T be a big deal, but I've seen visitation issues where the other parent isn't even allowed to have members of the opposite sex spend the night when the kids are around.

Brittany:  in general.  And I'm not any kind of a threat to the girls. Like, he doesn't seem to have serious prejudice issues.

Bingo!  That's what I was getting at!  
And yet, my stupid ass is still typing, not seeing Brittany's last comment.


Kayla:  ... different kind of caring than I was thinking of. You mean, he literally doesn't care about them at all... right? (typing these things sucks)

Brittany:  No not really. I just think he must not have cared about Trisha that much. How did this become such a clusterfuck?

i'm not THAT? high right now. are you? --I left this line completely unedited because it's so fantastic.


Kayla:  Lmao! I don't know! (I'm seriously cracking up over here.)

No ma'am, I am completely sober, thank you very much. ;)

Brittany:  lol. All I meant was he seems a little indifferent in general.  She's out now, but if she did deploy and re-enlist or something, I'd wait.

I wouldn't leave.

My last post-convo comment before I butt out:  That last line is one of the sweetest things I have ever read, and it's all for you, Trisha, so I hope you're reading this, too. 


Kayla:  There are a lot of people who don't have patience. He obviously wasn't that dedicated to begin with.  Which is fine, because she's got you now, anyway.

Onto more pointed questions, your last post was obviously a doozey. How are you coping with all that now? Is it still bothering you?

Brittany:  No. And that might be the last anyone really hears about it. I think I've moved past it. I finally have a supportive girlfriend, I have supportive friends. You, Carmen, Crystal. Some others. I'm lucky in that sense.

Kayla:  Aw... thanks! *sniff* I know Carmen and Crystal helped a lot more than I did, but I'm glad I was able to let you know I care.

I'm just glad it's over and you're able to heal. It makes all the difference in the world, being able to talk it out.  But, before we leave it behind forever, I just want to say here that I am so, so proud of you for having the guts to talk about it on the blog. You didn't have to do that, but I think it's a story that can help a lot of people who are in that position and who feel like they can't talk about it because they feel marginalized.

Brittany:  Yeah. It took a while to get to where I could write that out as a blog, but I think that was almost the end of it. I don't have the related sexual trust issues anymore. That's a plus. Especially if you're Trisha I'm sure.

Kayla:  That's so great. I'm sure she helped a lot in that area.

Brittany:  She did. And she put up with the craziness that went on for a while—the bitchiness, not sleeping, not eating, keeping rifles on the bed.  Not everyone can handle someone like me. lol

Kayla:  Lol! I guess that's true. It sounds like you and she fell into eachother's lives at just the right moment. Well done not missing the opportunity!

Brittany:  We had been kind of in and out of touch over the years . . . slept together casually here and there. It became a relationship about a month ago. I had that conversation with her and it worked out. :)

Kayla:  And no more rifles by the bed?

Brittany:  Nah. They're where they belong these days.  :)

Kayla:  Awesome.

You still doing your voice lessons?

Brittany:  Yeah. I'm getting better at it, but it's easy to not pay attention and slip some on the phone or whatever.

Kayla:  That's cool. You'll get there.

Brittany:  Maybe next convo won't be so choppy.

Kayla:  Hopefully not. I'm sure we'll get our crap together someday.

Yeah . . . someday . . . 

It Can Happen to Anyone, and You Have to Survive

It took me a while to get to a point where I wanted to write about this. That's why I haven't blogged in a while.

At 4:30AM, December 31, 2011, I was raped (I just now noticed the last blog entry is dated December 30. That night basically). This wasn't some random attack. This was a guy I had enough trust in to be alone with at his home. I had known him for around 6 years. We weren’t super close, but we were friends, or so I thought.

I’m not going to sit here and explain all the gory details of the event. The short version is we went out for dinner and a couple drinks the night before. We ended up at his house. Chilled some doing nothing particularly exciting. He decided he wanted something I didn’t want to give him, so he took it. Then I went home.

The first person I told was my best friend Carmen. After eating a slightly late birthday lunch with some family and acting like nothing was amiss, I went over to her place. I’m glad I did. She was amazingly supportive. She did all this spiritual healing stuff. We hung out & talked for a few hours. She made sure I was emotionally & physically comfortable. I felt safe and knew I was ultimately  going to be OK. I can’t begin to express how much I appreciate it all with a reasonable amount of words, but I’ve never had anyone take care of me on that level. I already had plans to go to my best friends’ Crystal & Jerry’s New Year’s Eve party. By that point I was functional & just needed to have fun with people who love me. I had to speed myself up a little due to lack of sleep, but I made it. I told Crystal at one point, & otherwise didn’t let it ruin my night. She was also nothing but amazing and supportive when we discussed it more after the party. I didn’t tell anyone else for a week, which is a while for someone who usually just throws it all on table no matter what.

When I came out more publicly about this, people were overwhelmingly supportive & even protective. The circle of great friends I have has made this all something I can heal from. I’ll quote what Carmen wrote on my Facebook page on January 7 because the post meant the world to me:

“I 'like' the fact You are BRAVE enough to sate Your violation. Rape is an act of violence. To empower the WEAK and corrupt of mind. Mine remains unsolved and has impacted Me to this very day and I swore I would treat anyone brave enough to ever 'come out' and talk about it ever happening to them as I wish I were treated. I give out what i expect back and kharma is real and so Is the love and care I showed and will continue to show You, Doll. The COWARD that hurt You will pay for his deeds and no one else will ever have to face that kind of shit ever again from the perp. I will always be there and Will NOT rest until justice is served or peace of Your mind is found. Rape is rape. No means NO. Friends mean being there. That is I did. A TINY act of humanity. There is no end to my apology on behalf of the world's debt This piece of trash owes You. You are strong, brave and deserve only the absolute best. 'Nuff said. ♥ s forever. Time heals almost all wounds. But wounds don't hurt perps;) As long as You are My friend, You are safe. You have a friend for life, like it or not!:)”

There were some who just stayed away from the topic entirely. There were a very few others, however, who asked what I think are pretty common stupid/irrelevant questions people ask rape victims. 1“Did you say no?”  2“Were you clear?”  3“Was it a man or a woman?”  4“Did it hurt?”  5“Were you fucked up?”  6“Don’t you like it rough though?”  7“Did you try to stop him?” I even had someone say “That sucks,” as if I stubbed my toe or burned my shirt with a cigarette or something. In case anyone reading this doesn’t have the clarity you want, here:

1. Of course I said no.
2. I’m fucking clear about EVERYTHING.
3. Man, but the perpetrator’s sex is not relevant. Any one can rape.
4. What do you think? Rapists are gentle & loving?
5. Not particularly, but if I was, do you think I deserved it?
6. Yes, but not relevant. There is consent or there is no consent. It’s 1 or 0. There is no “.5” If I say stop, it means stop.
7. Most men are considerably larger then I am, & it’s a little difficult to fight someone if you’re being held down from behind. If I was able to stop him, I most likely would have never discussed any of this with anyone.

Bonus. Here is a video about the dumb shit some people say when someone they know gets raped: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rg1ocXCYUjQ.

That brings me to this concept people have that certain types of people somehow “deserve” it more, or that certain people simply can’t be raped. This is a big reason why rape is grossly under-reported, especially in marginalized communities. Transgender people, prison inmates, prostitutes, drug addicts. This was posted on Facebook recently. You can find idiocy by going through the comments. It does not matter who you are or what you do. If a person says says no, and you don’t stop, you are a rapist. If she was raped, it’s unfortunate that law enforcement will not take it seriously. She’s a prostitute, so who cares? When I called the cops, they were respectful enough to my face, but nothing ever got done. I wasted my time talking to them. I received numerous offers for handling this off the books. I opted to handle it “legitimately,” even though he didn’t do me that courtesy. Now I don’t have either option. Reporting it got me nowhere. Can’t do it dirty because reporting it means I’d be the first suspect if anyone figured anything out. So he gets off free & clear. Fail.

As hard as I may seem, this event took a toll on me, as is fairly normal from what I hear from other friends who have gone through the same thing. I don’t eat or sleep when I’m stressed. Even when I could convince myself everything was fine over the past couple months, other people could tell I wasn’t fine. I lost nearly 10 pounds, hardly slept, & had nightmares when I did unless I got good & fucked up and armed myself to the teeth first. I think I failed to acknowledge this would require a significant healing process. This doesn’t go away in a few days or a few weeks. A piece of me is gone forever, but I’ve finally come to terms with that. Once I was more open about my emotions (depression, anger, feeling weak, feeling unsafe, aversion to sex), & ultimately spent a few days in a psychiatric hospital, I’m finally making significant progress. It isn’t something that goes away quickly. I don’t care how hard you are.

I’m lucky. This all made it real fucking clear who I could count on and who really wasn’t worth my effort. After throwing out the trash, I still have a large circle of REAL friends who are the reason I made it through this. Now I even have a great girlfriend. She understands this issue & my emotions. She watched my shit and kept my other friends updated when I was at the psychiatric hospital. She makes me feel nothing but loved & safe, & that’s the only way it should ever be.