Just When You Thought You'd Lose Your Sex Drive

We are entering a realm of Too Much Information.  The gloves are off.  Your parents will not approve.  You have been warned.

December 13, 2011

Kayla:  I have absolutely no idea what to talk about, so this is gonna' be really fucking random. 

Brittany:  Me either. It's been awhile. We're off our game.

Kayla:  True 'dat.  I guess we should start with the obvious. How have you been feeling? Have there been many changes since the last time we talked?

Brittany:   Feeling great. Breasts are more developed. My skin doesn't really suck anymore.

Kayla:  Have you gone up a cup size yet, do you think?

Brittany:  Found someone who I'm into. A woman this time.

I almost can fill an A cup, so I bought a few.

Kayla:   Excellent! How are the hormones treating you? Any more weird dreams or serious mood swings?

Brittany:  I think the moods have leveled some, or I've gotten used to them. I was moody anyway.

Kayla:  How's work going? Are you totally "out" at work? I mean, are you dressing femininely there?

Brittany:  Yes. I have been for several weeks.

Kayla:  Everyone been cool about it there?

Brittany:  Nothing elaborate.

Kayla:  Oh... and the question everyone always has to ask (so, according to Transgender Friend Code 5, Sec. 234, I must also ask), what bathroom have you been using at work/public?

Brittany:  But it's work, you know? Not trying to be avant-garde there.

Generally the women's room.

Kayla:  So, work's cool because it's work and they kinda' have to be, and because you're not decked out like Madonna, waving your breast cones in everyone's face. Yeah?

Brittany:  Yeah.

Kayla:  Excellent! 

Brittany:  It's work. I'm not going in like I'm at a fetish party. They'd probably be uncool about that with any woman.

Kayla:  I'm thinking you're right. Although, I could test that . . . show up at my oh-so-conservative day job in a black leather cat suit and a whip in my hand . . . I'll let you know how they react.

Brittany:  Pics or it didn't happen.

Kayla:  Ha! Ok so, er, maybe not.  ;)

Brittany:  Thanks for sending me to the gutter, though. Lol.

Kayla:  I do what I can.

Brittany:  It's not so difficult to do lately. My doctor said my libido would probably go down. She was wrong.

Kayla:  I have noticed. I am a bit mystified by that, considering the rumor that hormones would be a sex drive buzz-kill. Maybe we should do a little research here, to see if said hormones are ever known to cause the opposite reaction . . . what are you taking again? What's it called?

Brittany:  And I've been sort of "saving" this energy for now, seeing how this romantic thing develops . . . as in, I'm not fucking other people either. I guess I could, but I'm waiting to see what happens.

Kayla:  Yikes . . . there are ways of taking care of that "energy" so you don't turn into the equivalent of a bitch in heat, ya' know. I'm just sayin'.

Brittany:  Yeah.

Kayla:  And it doesn't have to include other people . . . you've heard of this method, yes?

Brittany:  And that's great because I have an image to start from now.

Kayla:  Oh, do not go there! Lol!

Brittany:  But, I'm taking Spironolactone and Estradiol.

I'm cool with burning some of that energy that way. I just don't wanna burn all of it.

Kayla:  Spi-ro-no-lac-tone . . . man that's a mouthful . . . .

Brittany:  People just call it "Spiro."

Kayla:  But, no, no, no . . . don't get rid of it all! Though, I'm pretty positive there's more where that came from.

Ok, I'm looking up the Spiro stuff . . . .

Brittany:  Yeah. as long as I have some extra when needed, so it's that much more exceptional. 

Spiro is the antiandrogen.

Kayla:  Lol! Yeah, you should be fine in that department . . . .

Ok, the Spiro label, according to http://www.drugs.com/sfx/spironolactone-side-effects.html says:

COMMON side effects persist or become bothersome when using Spironolactone:

Diarrhea; drowsiness; headache; nausea; stomach cramping; vomiting.

Ugh. But nothing about libido . . . what about the less common side effects . . . ?

Brittany:  I think it happens from a lack of testosterone for a lot of people.

Kayla:  Probably . . . it says:

Seek medical attention right away if any of these SEVERE side effects occur when using Spironolactone:

Severe allergic reactions (rash; hives; itching; difficulty breathing; tightness in the chest; swelling of the mouth, face, lips, or tongue); black, tarry, or bloody stools; change in the amount of urine produced; confusion; dark urine; decreased sexual ability; enlarged breasts in men; irregular or missed menstrual periods; pale stools; severe or persistent stomach pain; symptoms of abnormal fluid or electrolyte levels (eg, fast, slow, or irregular heartbeat; increased thirst; muscle weakness; severe or persistent dry mouth, nausea, or vomiting; severe or persistent dizziness or drowsiness; unusual fatigue or sluggishness; tingling sensation); yellowing of the skin or eyes.

Brittany:  Haven't had any of that, really.

Kayla:  Wait, LMAO! "Enlarged breasts in men . . ." Isn't that the point? Is it a bug? Or is it a feature?

Brittany:  Even when Stephanie and I were at QT, her pee was kinda’ dark from some UTI med she was taking. I was like, "my pee is kinda’ clear because I drink too much water." lol

Kayla:  That's probably how you keep from having a lot of crappy side effects. You flush your system properly. But, yes, it definitely says "decreased sexual ability" and nothing about it increasing . . . so . . . you're just a freak, I guess. 

Brittany:  I guess. Or I'm more comfortable with my body.

Kayla:  That makes sense . . . and, ya' know . . . there's the new girl. 

Brittany:  Yeah. And we connect. Like really have these real conversations and connect.

Kayla:  That helps a lot . . . especially for women. 

Brittany:  Yeah. It's nice to connect and all that instead of the usual wanting people to leave before they drink too much of my coffee. Although Trisha stayed here for like 3 days once.

Kayla:  BAHahahahahahaha!

Brittany:  Which was ok since I was all crazed that weekend. lol

Kayla:  I almost inhaled my pop!

That weekend wasn't a "relationship," though . . . it's okay to hoard your coffee for a booty call.

Brittany:  I know. That's a friends with benefits sort of thing only.

Kayla:  Of course . . . it's nice to share with your friends, too. Just sayin'. (I'm still chuckling over here.)

Brittany:  Part of what was going on there was that a certain someone didn't come back to town on time, and I was really nice when I went into work on black Friday.

Kayla:  Oh sure . . . blame it on some woman . . . Ha! I bet you were!

Brittany:  Up all late and shit. I didn't even shower. Stephanie finally DID make it back last Sunday.

Kayla:  Oh wait! I never looked up the side effects for the 2nd hormone you're taking! If we're going to be thorough here . . . what was it called again?

Brittany:  We've gone out and such several times.

Estradiol.

Kayla:  That's awesome. I'm glad you've found someone that looks promising.

Brittany:  I think she's coming over this weekend. I'm going to cook something for her because I'm good at it.

Kayla:  What're you gonna' cook? (looking up Estradiol . . . )

Brittany:  Haven't totally decided. I'll probably decide at the store the day before. Not steak or fish, though. She doesn't like those.

Kayla:  Chicken? Hard to go wrong with chicken, unless she's a vegetarian.

Brittany:  Probably chicken something. She likes Italian food.

Kayla:  You could make some kind of lasagna. Everyone likes lasagna.

Brittany:  It will be a nice change. I only cook for myself most of the time and I know she likes Chinese. The first time we met after she returned was at a Chinese place. The pic is from that Chinese place. But she specifically said Italian when I asked, so I'm going that route.

Kayla:  I THINK I FOUND IT! This is from the same website, http://www.drugs.com/sfx/estradiol-side-effects.html:

COMMON side effects persist or become bothersome when using Estradiol Valerate:

Abnormal hair growth; breast tenderness; changes in sex drive; cramps; dizziness; flushing; hair loss; headache; lightheadedness; nausea; pain, swelling, or redness at the injection site; reduced tolerance to carbohydrates; stomach bloating and upset; swelling; vaginal infection; weight changes.

Did you see that? CHANGES in sex drive, not specifically a reduction. So it could totally be the Estradiol! Not the attraction to this one girl, of course, but the constant mind-in-the-gutterness which you are experiencing. (That should be a technical term.)

Brittany:  Yeah. I have a few of those symptoms. Been a while since I read the list, though.

Kayla:  But yes, go with her food suggestion 'cause that's what she'll be building her appetite for. You know, kinda' like mentally preparing for sex. 

Brittany:  lol. She needs to get out of her house anyway.

Kayla:  I just figured your mind would go there, so I thought I'd head it off at the pass.

Brittany:  Drama. She lives with her baby daddy, his girlfriend, and some other ex, I think the only plus there is she's with her son every day.

Kayla:  Ooh . . . something else that might be good . . . and wouldn't have to make as much as a whole pan of lasagna . . . some kind of angel hair pasta with a nice marinara and chicken or something.

Ugh . . . I told you before I think that's a bad situation.

Brittany:  Well, she knows she could stay here if she wanted to. And she also has another friend who offered. If it blows up in her face, she'll be fine.

Kayla:  That's good. At least she's got something to fall back on.

Brittany:  Be right back.

Ok, dog wanted out.

Kayla:  Dumb dogs . . . always wantin' something. 

Brittany:  Yeah. It's ok, though. He's my security system if shit goes down when I'm not here.

Kayla:  Anyway, your dinner plans are making me hungry . . . I'm gonna' have to get off here pretty soon to fix that situation.

Dogs are awesome security alarms.

Speaking of which, a friend of ours was telling us there have been something like 10 or 11 dogs poisoned to death in his neighborhood!

Brittany:  I'm not really sure what he'd do, lol.

Kayla:  He'd make a lot of noise. That's usually enough.

Brittany:  Breaking in when I AM here might be better. Quick. No mauling. But I heard about the dog poisoning. Who the fuck does that?

Kayla:  Did you??? I hadn't until said friend mentioned it.

Brittany:  Saw it on Channel 6.

Kayla:  Some asshole, obviously. I heard whoever it was used rat poisoning. Some people need to be lynched. He's killing people's family members, whether the perpetrator or the police understand that or not.

Brittany:  I'd bring out my evil black shotgun for someone like that.

Kayla:  It'd be worth it.

Brittany:  And yeah, I'd feel justified and sleep just fine that night.

Kayla:  Right?

Brittany:  People don't get too crazy out here. Kind of why I bought [my home] here. But harming my animals is about as good of an idea as harming my friends.

Kayla:  That's good. I mean, people don't typically get like this in that neighborhood, either, which is kinda' in the sticks, up in the hills.

Brittany:  Yeah. Anyone with some sense knows there are gun owners out in the sticks.

Kayla:  I know . . . and they are PISSED OFF. You do not fuck with people's pets. Bad, bad idea.

Brittany:  Probably some wannabe serial killer.

Kayla:  Gotta' be. Ugh.

Brittany:  Hopefully he'll encounter someone like me. Save a few future lives.

Kayla:  That's a pleasant thought.

On that note, I guess I'd better go make my pork chops. It's almost 8:00.

Brittany:  Yeah. If you don't make them by 8, the world ends.

Kayla:  I know. It's pretty dire. I mean, they go all radioactive and shit, and THEN what'm I gonna' do?

Brittany:  I guess I can "take care of my business" for the day. Vinyl suit and whip girl.

Kayla:  Lmao!!! I do not need updates on your "business."

Brittany:  lol. You started it. Your bad.

Kayla:  Sigh... true. There's no excuse.

Brittany:  But seriously, though. I'll try to work up a blog entry based on some of that stuff we were talking about on the phone. I'll email it when I do it. It's still fresh in my brain, so it should come together easily

Kayla:  Good. Strike while the iron's hot or some shit.

Brittany:  Yep. Well, go cook your pork chops.

Kayla:  I will. And they'll be mighty tasty.

Brittany:  I already ate. But I'll talk to you soon.

Kayla:  Curious creature, eating dinner before 8:00 at night. But, yeah, talk to ya' later.

Human Behavior

"And there is no map. And a compass wouldn't help at all"
       ~ "Human Behavior"
           Bjork

September 21
 
Kayla:  How are ya'?
  
Brittany:  Good I guess.  Still half-way sick, but better than 3 or 4 days ago.
  
Kayla:  Oh no!  What kind of sick? Cold or something?
  
Brittany:  Yeah, I guess.  I thought it was allergies when I went to get my other nostril pierced with Carly, but it got worse pretty quickly.

Kayla:  Sounds like the crud I had. I'm all better now, but it was pretty miserable.
  
Brittany:  It’s probably the weather changing like it has been.  That night it was all grey and rainy.
  
Kayla:  Yeah, you're probably right.  How have the voice lessons and such been going?
  
Brittany:  Making progress, but it's been a little slow for a few days. I can barely talk with any voice.
  
Kayla:  Yeah, I can see how that might put a damper on things.  Did you and Carly get all the drama taken care of? (I never did get if that was your drama or hers...)
  
Brittany:  It was my drama.  Hanging out with her made me feel a bit better though.  And somehow getting stabbed with a needle helps too.  Lol.
  
Kayla:  Er... wha?

Brittany:  I got the other nostril pierced, so they both have piercings now.
  
Kayla:  Oh! I forgot about the piercing!  Do you like how it looks?
  
Brittany:  Yeah. They're even now; both purple.  Stud on one side, a little hoop on the other.
  
Kayla:  Fun! Need pics!
  
Brittany:  I'll post something soon, when I don't look like I'm all spun out. lol
  
Kayla:  Cool. And I'm glad you fixed your broken heart (at least a little). I didn't even know you were in a relationship. (I feel so behind!)
  
Brittany:  I'm not. It was best friend drama. Not the first time.  The best friends were supposedly going to call me with Labor Day camping info.
  
Kayla:  Oh crap. That's worse. Are you guys ok now? (fyi - we will change names to protect the innocent... or... not so innocent.)
  
Brittany:  The thing about camping is I'm sometimes happier during those 3 days than the other 362 combined. And they should really know that by now.
  
Kayla:  I understand.  You were counting on these plans.
  
Brittany:  Stuff like that has happened before with them. Generally minor. Camping is a bigger deal.  That's sort of like chosen family in a way, and I missed it, so I felt excluded.
  
Kayla:  That sucks. And they just never called? Did they go without you, or they just didn't go?
  
Brittany:    I don't know if they went or not. Probably. Either way, if you say you're going to call about something, anyone who has known me for 5 minutes knows it's important, call.
  
Kayla:  Ah. Gotcha. I can understand if they wanted to get away just the 2 of them, but if that's what they wanted to do, then don't mention it to you at all. That's just crappy.  And, yeah... Brittany does not put up with being stood up. It's the Law.
  
Brittany:  It's like they'll do something amazing like the party, then fuck me off, then eventually some nice thing, or even some amazing thing, then again and it works every time. lol.  No one else can get away with that shit.
  
Kayla:  So it IS like family, then. ;)
  
Brittany:  I haven't talked to either of them since before that weekend. Not sure I can do it in a constructive manner yet since, to me, it was worse than just general flakiness.

But that's my drama.  When something bothers me that much, it's usually complicated.

Kayla:  Relationships between humans, friendships or otherwise, are ALWAYS complicated. It's the way of things.  It's not just you.

Content removed by Brittany:  Complicated, personal relationship stuff, but I'll post a more in-depth entry soon.
  
Brittany:  Even right before I overdosed last summer, they (as a single unit) were one of 3 people I sent any information to.  But no one knew until days later except the people I emailed about what I wanted done after I was dead and such.
  
Kayla:  Yeah, that's family.  What did you OD on? (dare I ask?)
  
Brittany:  20k MG variety pack.
  
Kayla:  ... you lost me on that one... what's MG?
  
Brittany:  Milligrams.  Seroquel, Xanax, Ambien.
  
Kayla:  Oh lordy, child. Were you trying to kill yourself? (seriously, were you??)
  
Brittany:  Why else would I email people before doing it?  Lol.  But I'm over it now.  Bullets seemed too messy for someone to discover.  I took Ambien first and waited a bit so I wouldn't puke.  That actually worked.  I woke up 3 days later in the St. Francis cardio unit.
  
Kayla:  Oh, sorry, I got confused... you emailed them BEFORE. (I misread and thought it was after)

Jesus. Why?  No, fuck why.  Mostly, how did you get far enough away from it (that suicidal mindset) to get some perspective?  I know depression.  I know how mucky and sticky it can be.  What got you out of it?

Brittany:  I guess I just said I can't be afraid of anything, if not death.  I just decided I was going to do the things I want to do.

Kayla:  Good.  (sigh of relief)  You've talked to your therapist about all that, right?  I'm way too mother hen about my friends not to worry a little, even if it was forever ago.

Brittany:  I've talked to him.  It's kind of a non-issue now, I guess.  That was last year, and there were factors in my life then that aren't really here now.  Still, it seems weird that it only happened a year ago.
  
Kayla:  This may seem out of left field, but it's probably not... do you think your gender issues had anything to do with it?
  
Brittany:  It does sort of alter your perspective
  
Kayla:  What alters your perspective? Being suicidal, or gender issues?
  
Brittany:  They (the gender issues) were part of it.  Some depression in general.  Dissatisfied with personal relationships, did the whole thing 2 days before what would have been Marta's birthday (she died last April).
  
Kayla:  Ohhh.... I know her death was really rough on you (I can't imagine how it wouldn't be).
  
Brittany:  Rougher than I really acknowledged publicly I guess, but there were people who had more reason to hurt than I did.
  
Kayla:  Still, I know you were really close to her. I know she meant a lot to you. I never even met her, and I knew that.  How did she die? I don't know if I ever really knew... I just remember hearing that she did.
  
Brittany:  She overdosed.  Accidental.
  
Kayla:  Oh hell. Is that why you chose the method you did?
  
Brittany:  Not really.  I just figured it was the cleanest method that would minimize trauma for other people.
  
Kayla:  That makes sense. Well... I'm glad it didn't work.
  
Brittany:  I guess I am too, now that it's out of my system.
  
Kayla:  :)  You've got work to do here, anyway.

By the way, I've only got about another 5 minutes. Then I have to feed my people.
  
Brittany:  Lol.  Just throw some meat at them.  Or peanuts or something.
  
Kayla:  I sort of am.  I’m cooking a big chicken at the mo'.  It might hurt if I throw the whole thing, though.
  
Brittany:  But hilarity would result.
  
Kayla:  True. And I could use some hilarity. Shake things up a bit.  Maybe I should video tape it.
  
Before I go, have there been any noticeable changes lately?

Brittany:  A bit better with my voice.  Usually.  I’m about an A-cup now.  And somehow I've gained some breast size, yet lost 5 lbs.  As far as I can tell, it's probably muscle mass that made up those 5 lbs, which is good I guess.  I still have the tone from working out.
  
Kayla:  I need to start doing that, too (working out). Need to get back into my yoga.
  
Brittany:  I’m sort of interested in trying that, but now I run 2 miles in the morning and do weights 3 times a week.  I run 2 miles before I smoke a cigarette. lol
  
Kayla:  (Laugh)  That's brilliant.

All right... I'm gonna' get off here. Gotta' do some last minute clean up.  And my chicken needs attention now.
  
Brittany:  ‘Kay. Have fun. Email me in a few days or something.
  
Kayla:  Will do. Have a good night.

Standards of Care and Other Conundrums

In which we discuss trans-fashion, the trans "disorder," and what to watch when you're certain you'll never be "cured."

September 8, 2011

Kayla:  How goes it?

Brittany:  Kind of glad the week is almost over.  You?
  
Kayla:  Definitely. Feeling like... how should I say... hammered dogshit about now?
  
Brittany:  Not so bad.  Just tired of the week in general.  It's like 5 day weeks almost go faster than 4 day ones.
  
Kayla:  I've got what I now have come to accept is a cold. So I'm sitting here in my jammies, drinking some tea called White Christmas (white tea w/ peppermint & ginger).
  
Brittany:  That sucks :(  My allergies are gradually passing.  No cold this year, so far.
  
Kayla:  Yeah. I'll make it, I suppose, but my sinuses hate me. Blah.  Warning, stay away from people... something's going around, apparently.  (masquerading initially as 'allergies,' the tricky bastard.)
  
Brittany:  I usually do to the extent that I can.

Kayla:  (laugh)  So, you went shopping day before yesterday.  Get anything good?
  
Brittany:  Yeah. I needed more fall/winter clothes.  I bought a lot, which is fine. I don't do that all the time, so the bill can be handled.
  
Kayla:  Coolness. I haven't even busted out my old winter stuff yet... hopefully I don't have to get much more new this year.
  
Brittany:  I needed to since most of what I had was men's shit.  I like that I can shop in the petite section.
  
Kayla:  So you got all women's clothes? For the changeover?


Brittany:  Yeah, although I haven't really been wearing masculine clothing lately anyway.
  
Kayla:  True, but those were summer clothes.
  
Brittany:  I'm totally out now, and looking more feminine than a few months ago.  Good progress, really.
  
Kayla:  Fantastic! I was going to ask about that.  So you are, in fact, living full time as a woman now? Publicly?
  
Brittany:  It varies some.  Work isn't a place where I exactly have to wear a suit or something.  It's computers and such.  Fashionable variety, but a lot of my summer clothes are probably pretty androgynous.  Less so with the new stuff.
  
Kayla:   Awesome. I would love to see the new wardrobe additions. Was it fun? To pick out the right clothes now?
  
Brittany:  Yeah, and surprisingly less guess work than when I shop for men's items.
  
Kayla:  :)  So, by law (it is a law, isn't it?) what do you have to do to fill the requirements of "living as a woman" for a year? Always use the women's restroom? Publicly use your female name?
  
Brittany:  It's not a law really. It's just standards of care.  At some point I'll declare myself full time, maybe on my birthday.  Then do that for a year.  Then surgery is an option.
  
Kayla:  Oh, okay... I think a lot of people are under the impression that there's some mandate or something. So, you could have the option to not live that way for a year before surgery? I mean, could you still get the surgery if you didn't?

Brittany:  I'd just have to find someone who doesn't care about standards of care, which would probably just be a pain in the ass.  I don't like how standards of care almost makes this all sound like a disorder of some sort, but otherwise, I'm not really bothered by it.

Kayla:  That is crappy. I think it's a good idea to live as the gender you'll be physically changing into before you go under the knife, but it's very bizarre to me to treat it as a "disorder," yet counsel someone through the process to have it done (as if they're saying, "you're messed up in the head, but we'll indulge you anyway"). That sounds like counseling people out of being gay. It's warped.
  
Brittany:  At the same time, I guess it helps people to really be sure what they want.
  
Kayla:  True... Maybe the "disorder" is that you were unfortunate enough to be born in a body you don't identify with.

Brittany:  Yeah.  Bad luck. Lol.  Guess I did luck out on my frame, though.  Not that it's totally free. I run 2 miles every morning, and work out regularly.
  
Kayla:  But you're naturally small, which works for a woman's build.  You're only maybe an inch or 2 taller than me, I think (which isn't difficult, considering).
  
Brittany:  Yeah. I really don't remember how tall you are. I'm 5'6".
  
Kayla:  Ok, so 3 inches taller than me. ;)
  
Brittany:  It's ok. You're like Crystal & Jerry's height, maybe a bit taller. I always feel like I tower over them lol.
  
Kayla:  Funny. :)  Can I ask how your counselor has dealt with you on this issue? It's ok if you don't want to go there, but I'm just curious if he (he, right?) looks at it as a disorder, as well. If that perspective is just hardwired into the psychological community.
  
Brittany:  No.  He actually has a trans man son, so he's hardly clueless. He says the way I'm approaching it and doing everything is "realistic," like my expectations and plans aren't completely off track.  I think a lot of trans people expect things to go quicker than they really can rushing things I guess, although I can totally understand that.
  
Kayla:  That's really good to hear.  The idea that a whole branch of psychology sees transgenderism (is that a word?) as a disorder, yet shepherds its patients toward the very thing they say is wrong with them is simply disturbing to me. It makes me wonder more what is wrong with the psychologists than with their patients. It almost feels like something out of a paranoid sci-fi book. *shudder*
  
But, it is good that you're patient. That's good for every aspect of life. People rush into EVERYTHING. This is no different.
  
Brittany:  I wouldn't say the "whole" community.  There is some debate about the issue and whether it should be listed in the DSM in those circles.
  
Kayla:  Interesting.  I hear about this issue primarily from the transgender community (blogs I come across, etc.), so I'm not really up on what most psychologists think. I just know most transgenders are a bit offended by the insinuation (of course).
  
Brittany:  Yeah.  It's a little offensive having it listed as a disorder in the same place you would find schizophrenia.  I don't have a skewed sense of reality.  I know what's going on with my identity.
  
Kayla:  Um... yeah, I'd say! Reminds me of that movie Saved! (which I think you told me you hadn't seen yet)... "We have to cure you of your gayness!" Fucking hilarious! (I mean, funny in context. The movie's a hoot.)
  
Brittany:  I've heard about it. I'm not sure if I've seen it.  If so, it's been a long time
  
Kayla:  And, I have to say, you know better "what's going on with your identity" than most straight-gender people I know.  As for Saved!, rent it. It's worth it. I promise you'll laugh. A lot.  In fact, go rent it and invite Tim and his boy over. He hasn't seen it either, and with is ORU background, it would slay him.
  
Brittany:  Like "but I'm a cheerleader," I guess.  This lesbian cheerleader gets sent to one of those ex-gay camps.
  
Kayla:  Do wha...? Explain.  Is this real, or a movie?
  
Brittany:  It's a movie.  A comedy.
  
Kayla:  What's it called? (I'm gonna' hate myself for all my crappy punctuation & lack of capitals when I go to edit) ;)  (confirmed – I’m hating myself now.)
  
Brittany:  But I'm a Cheerleader.
  
Kayla:  Oh, that's the TITLE? (Gods, am I slow?)  I thought that was just a line from the movie. :D
  
Brittany:  (Laugh.) Yeah. That's the title.
  
Kayla:  So, she gets sent to this camp... I assume she was not "cured" in the end?
  
Brittany:  Right.  Pretty much.
  
Kayla:  Excellent. Then I shall watch it. :) 

But, ok, I'd better get off here, go get some more tea and try to make it through the rest of my evening. You have a good night, ok?
  
Brittany:  You too. :)  Hope your cold ends soon.
  
Kayla:   Meee too.

ABC Special on Transgender Kids

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My Extra(Ordinary) Family: Transgender

Sex, Guns, and the Zombie Apocalypse

Intermission (after the party)

July 25, 2011

Brittany:  Hey. Thanks for coming to the party. Sorry I was as late as I was. Other things were interfering with my original plans to get there at 7.

Kayla:  It's all good. I understand running late for stuff. Happens to me all the time. Especially when you're relying on other people in order to do what you need to do.

Brittany:  It was fun, though. Especially the end when Crystal and I started watching True Blood and had trouble stopping.

Kayla:  Awesome. I think my friend Stefanie got into that show. I never watched it (for no particular reason other than that it just never popped up on my radar).

Brittany:  It had been a while since we had really sat around hanging out like that. We both get busy.

Kayla:  That's cool, to be able to catch up.

Brittany:  Funny though, because we're probably the least likely people at a party to stay up 'til morning like that, yet we were the only ones who did.

Kayla:  You had something worth staying up for.

Brittany:  Only ended up with a few pics, but I'll post them in an album at some point.

Kayla:  Cool.

Brittany:  No one remembered to bring a camera, including me. And with the lighting, we kinda had to use people's iphones to get decent pics.

Kayla:  I know! So stupid! Of all the parties NOT to bring a camera to... we suck. I'm sorry. And yeah, that's true. The lighting was awful for picture taking.

Brittany:  Maybe I'll work up a blog entry about the party and everything later. But I should probably go for now and get things done here.

Kayla:  Yeah, me too. Talk to ya' later.

Sex, Guns, and the Zombie Apocalypse

August 10, 2011

Kayla:  Hi.  How ya' been?

Brittany:  Good I guess. Busy mostly.

Kayla:  Busy with what? (just curious)

Brittany:  Mostly working.  I've been working on voice stuff and I'm starting to see at least a little progress.

Kayla:  Are the voice lessons hard?

Brittany:  Not really. It's mostly just a slow process--practice, etc.

Kayla:  Is it changing your voice in your day-to-day life (like, when you're not trying) yet?

Brittany:  No. Still takes more effort than that. If I tried it all day, I'd probably wear it down so it's kind of an at home thing right now.

Kayla:  It does seem like it'd be hard to keep it up all the time... at least at first.

Brittany:  The way it's done is sort of natural. The idea is that, after a while, you just have the new voice all the time.

Physically, things aren't a lot different than last time you saw me.

Kayla:  That's so cool. I can't believe how completely thorough this whole process is. I didn't know anything about the voice lessons until you told me about them.

Funny, I was just going to ask you how life on hormones was treating you.

Brittany:  Body hair growth has slowed to a crawl. I only really have to fuck with it like once a week now.

Kayla:  Are you feeling any different on the inside? Are you still bitchy(er than usual)? Do you still have to pee all the time?

Brittany:  Peeing hasn't changed much. I am more aware of my emotions, but I'm not half sociopath anymore. lol.

Kayla:  Well, that's good to know. Maybe I'll feel safe enough to talk to you in person now. (joking, of course)

Brittany:  lol

Kayla:  Just... uh... keep the gun at home, ok?  ;)

Brittany:  Yeah, that would be the time some idiot tried to steal my car from in front of your house, too. lol.
It's not like I go out of control. I wouldn't have 11 of these things if I weren't responsible about it.

Kayla:  11 of what things? (oh... your arsenal... is that what you mean?)

Brittany:  Yeah, the gun collection.  I suppose no one needs that many, but I like them.  It would be boring shooting one gun all the time at the ranges.

Kayla:  And, what are you doing with all those guns? Getting ready for the apocalypse? (it IS almost 2012, after all...)

Brittany:  Right. Lol.  Zombie apocalypse. Use guns to get more guns and food. Sit on the roof shooting zombies so they don't get in.

Kayla:  I can totally see it... and by then you should be completely changed over, so that's an even more amusing image... some chick, sitting on her roof, picking off zombies while eating hot dogs she swiped from the QuikTrip she looted in the dark of night.

Brittany:  Reminds me of when some CDC guy was talking about what to do in the event of a zombie crisis,
like he was serious. Cracked me up.  It was months ago, I think. It was all over the news.

Kayla:  I heard about that! The CDC actually put out an "official" statement on what to do "in case..."

Me, I always thought I'd need a flame thrower. You can shoot zombies all day, but they're already undead, so what good is that gonna' do? I say torch 'em 'til they're just ashes.

Brittany:  You shoot them in the head, if the movies are any indication.

Kayla:  Hollywood bullshit. What do they know? I'm telling you, the secret is fire.

Brittany:  Weird little tangent. lol

Kayla:  Hey, when you need something to talk about, there's ALWAYS the zombie apocalypse.

Brittany:  lol. Fresh on the mind, I guess. I wanted a quiet weekend, so I sat around drinking vodka and watching zombie movies I hadn't seen but wanted to.

Kayla:  I need to bone up on my zombie trivia, too.

But... back to our regularly scheduled programming... last I talked to you, you hadn't told your dad yet (but were going to). I think you said your sister was going to go with you. How did that go?

Brittany:  It went alright I guess.  He had a few questions about why.  I haven't talked to him much since then, but he seems to be handling it slowly, but fine.

Kayla:  How did you explain it to him?

Brittany:  I said that it's something I knew as soon as I figured out you could distinguish between kids by gender.  That it has nothing to do with him or with who I'm attracted to.

Kayla:  What do you mean, that last part about who you're attracted to?

Brittany:  People confuse gender with sexual preference, even though there is no relationship.  The fact that I'm primarily attracted to men doesn't have anything to do with anything.

Kayla:  I think I understand that... and I suppose... (sticky association/clarification moment here) I always thought of you as gay, but if you identify your gender as female, regardless of what you were born with, then you aren't strictly "gay" are you?

Brittany:  More straight than gay, I guess.  But it's not like a signed a pledge somewhere stating who I will and won't sleep with.

Kayla:  That's true.  People like to put everything in a box, though. They like to define their world.  It makes more sense to me, philosophically, that sexual/romantic preference should be loose. People love who they love and are attracted to who they're attracted to.

Brittany:  I don't know, people get confused.  They're like, "so you're straight?"  I'm like, "maybe, until I sleep with Rihanna or something."

Kayla:  Ha!  Do you think your gender reassignment will make dating more difficult? I know, awkward question, but apparently that's what I'm here for.

Brittany:  When I'm pre-op, yeah.  I'm not sure where I'll find dates & sex.

Kayla:  I'm sure there's gotta' be guys out there who want and "get" that... does it worry you at all?

Brittany:  There are guys all over the place who fetishize all this stuff.  I don't know that the selection within that group is real great.

Kayla:  Yeah... something about being someone's "fetish"... I don't know...

Brittany:  It's sort of a good thing my libido is low with the meds, I guess.

Kayla:  I doubt it'll stay that way.  You may never have a "typical male" drive anymore, but chicks need to get laid sometimes, too.  Seriously, though, I think it just depends on the individual.

Brittany:  I know. It doesn't lead to most of the people I've slept with.  Meat market at Majestic. lol

Kayla:  I'm sure it'll work out, though. I'm one of those saps that believes in fate, so I have no doubt you'll find the right person.

Brittany:  Really, even when I do think about it now, there's more experience of sorts in those thoughts than before.

Kayla:  You'll have to explain that one. But I gotta' go. Seriously, send me an email on the "there's more experience of sorts in those thoughts than before" thing...

Brittany:  Ok. I wrote down to do that.  I'm gonna' make a drink and go to sleep soon, I guess.

Kayla:  Good plan. I'm gonna' go get my spaghetti on. We'll talk again soon.

Brittany:  Cool. I'll email you where that got left off tomorrow.

Kayla:  Ok. Have a good night with your drink and your dreams, Britt.

Brittany:  You, too.

August 11, 2011

Brittany:  I guess I'll keep this fairly short, unless you actually want the gory details. What I meant about being more into the experience with sex is that it's not just the sex itself, which is how it used to be. Now the experience in general is equally important. Surroundings, atmosphere, mood, foreplay, role play, shit like that. Good thing, in a way. Looking at it that way, everyone is totally different and sort of new in a way. Like it's not just all about the release anymore, I guess, but just as much of how we get there.

Boxes

I don’t think it’s particularly constructive to spend a great deal of time putting people in boxes like someone with obsessive-compulsive disorder stacks pennies, nickels, dimes, and quarters in individual towers from left to right, according to value. I’m not really going to demonize people for trying to put me in boxes, given the fact that they spend at least as much time doing it to themselves and each other, but I feel as though I’m probably more sensitive and resistant to it than average.

The problem with the boxes we all create is they don’t always make as much sense as they appear to at first. Things that have nothing to do with each other get put into the same box. Either/or thinking excludes everything between ‘either’ and ‘or.’ Half the time ‘either’ and ‘or’ aren’t even opposites to begin with. Gender identity and sexual preference are constantly abused in this way.

If you’re a heterosexual woman, you’re expected to be exclusively into men. Lesbians are expected to be exclusively into other women. It works the same way if you’re male. Bisexuals are assumed to be confused,  greedy, or not half way out of the closet.  In reality, all of this is fairly fluid, subject to countless variables. I really only identify as someone who does whatever I want, but that’s just too confusing for most people. I don’t tend to refer to myself as “gay,” “straight” “bisexual,” or “lesbian” for any other reason than the convenience of others. Sometimes I’m guilty of using black and white terminology to end boring conversations.

If you’re physically transitioning from one sex to the other, a lot of people just take that to mean that you’re also becoming heterosexual, and even that heterosexuality is a primary motivation. My primary attractions are to men. That’s just how I roll. It isn’t written in stone somewhere. I didn’t sign any documents.  If I express attraction to another woman, let alone act on it, some people act like I just shot at them. It’s hilarious sometimes. If anything, there has been some increased fluidity in who I'm attracted to since beginning hormone therapy. Increased. Not new so much.  A lot of things I’m more sensitive to now aren’t really so specific to other people’s genders. And those things were there before all this to some degree or another. The fact that my sexuality in general isn’t totally one-dimensional is something I enjoy. An increased openness to experience is also something I enjoy. Plus, it gives me something to do.

As someone transitioning from male to female, I’m expected to be almost a caricature of the stereotypical, hyper-feminine woman,  as if that’s all it means to be a woman. Yeah, because that’s why I’m spending thousands of dollars doing all this--because I care so intensely what everyone thinks of me, and just want to “perform” that much more efficiently. Ironically, transgender people are big offenders in this area. If that’s who you really are, great, but I think a lot of people are probably trying to make up for lost time and end up overcompensating, not understanding why I don’t do the same.

For instance, I usually use makeup pretty much the same way most other women who wear makeup use it. I’m a jeans girl. I don’t have a dress and heels on every time I leave the house. I’m not demur. I’m not submissive unless I want to be (sometimes, but this sort of thing could be a whole separate blog entry). I don’t defer to men when I want to do something. I pack heat and happen to be a good shot. I’m good at math. I’m a computer geek. I love gory movies. I like to fuck in inappropriate places. I’m still me, just more so than I was before starting this process.

Gender is at the core of who we are. A sense of our gender and the genders of everyone around us is one of the first things people develop. Most people never have to spend a great deal of time thinking about or questioning it. But if your body doesn’t match with your brain, you will think about it a lot. My transition is not motivated by my sexuality or a desire to perform some stereotypical role. It’s something I need to do to become fully me, instead of half of me.

Conversations with Brittany

Throughout this process, Brittany and I wanted to share our conversations with our readers.  During these conversations, we talk about issues that arise from the gender transition process, we muse about social expectations and assumptions regarding gender identity, and generally shoot the shit and blow off steam.  We talk about the weird, the frustrating, the inspiring and profound.  We go off topic and amuse ourselves and are okay with the idea that some might think we're off our rockers.  Our first "captured" conversation occurred one month ago.

July 18, 2011

Kayla: I was just looking back at the Brittany party thing. How many people are coming now?

Brittany:  Shows 14 confirms and 9 maybes but some of the people who haven't replied at all will show up, so not sure exactly.

Kayla: That's cool. That's not so many people that it'll be totally overwhelming, then.  Have you told your folks yet?

Brittany:  No.  I kind of set an arbitrary deadline for before that party though.

Kayla: Is it harder than you thought? To get up the nerve to talk to them?

Brittany:  I guess so. It really seems like sort of an open secret, but it's still weird.

Kayla:    Yeah, I get that. Well... you've got 5 days, including the day of the party. No pressure, though. :}

I sort of wish you had someone that was close enough to you AND your family that could go with you to talk to them... so if things got too horribly uncomfortable, you'd have someone to leave with and talk to.

Brittany:  It could work, though. Drinking at the party would make me forget any awkwardness from a few hours prior.  But bringing someone else with would just make it weirder.

Kayla:  True! It's like people who drink before/after a self-inflicted surgery.  But, yeah... I'm sure it would be weird with someone else there.

Brittany:  Yeah.  So I'll just do it myself.

Kayla:  Like you do everything, dear. It's that pioneer spirit of yours.  I have to say, I do admire your guts.

Brittany:  It's easier that way most of the time, or at least more effective.

Kayla:   More effective to do it yourself?

Brittany:  Usually.

Kayla:  I suppose it's better than having someone like me, who's all freaked out for you, freaking you out by talking about it all the damned time. (or, that's what I imagine I might be doing, in which case I'm sorry...)

Brittany:  You're fine.  But, bringing other people would just create more variables when I want as few as possible, so I can get it done with.

Kayla:   Like a trained assassin - get in, get out, as little collateral damage as possible.

Brittany:   Haha.  Not exactly why I keep guns around, but it's an entertaining thought.

Kayla:  Well, I hope not! (the guns)  By the way, I saw you so colorfully tweeted that your “tits” were sore. (People in my office looked at me strange when I started cracking up at my desk.)  Are they growing already? Have you noticed any other obvious changes?

Brittany:  It seems like they might have grown a tiny bit.  Seems like there is more there than a month ago, but it's not likely that others can tell yet.  If it's not just me, the growth is pretty slight.

Kayla:  We should take several good photos at the party - some good profile shots, etc. A friend of mine was telling me that, when her friend went female to male, the changes were subtle but so much more obvious if you compared photos week to week. For instance, his jaw line actually got stronger over time. I didn't know that was possible (and neither did she), but she said it was pretty obvious in the photos. We might be able to tell changes like that with you if we compared them side by side.

Brittany:  True.  I figure there will be some picture taking anyway.

Kayla:  Yeah, for sure. I just want to make sure we take some good, close profile shots for this purpose. Everyone else can snap all the drunk photos they want.  ;)

Which reminds me... what will you be wearing? I have honestly never seen you dressed in anything feminine. Will you be, at the party?

Brittany:  Yeah. I'm not sure what. I'll figure it out then, but nothing elaborate. It's too fucking hot for that shit and I'm not real into frilly dresses and such anyway.

Kayla:  It is that. What about makeup? Do you "do" makeup much (beyond the obligatory Gothic eyeliner)?

Brittany:  Yeah, makeup.

Kayla:  I'm not much into frilly dresses, either. Although, when you've got more pronounced changes, I think you'd be super cute in a little sun dress. But that's just me.

Brittany:  We'll see as time goes by I guess.  I've been kind of avoiding the sun as much as I can. Heat is bad enough in the shade.

Kayla:  I just had an odd thought... do you think people expect you to be more feminine than other girls? More "made up?" I mean, I personally wear very little makeup unless it's a formal/dressy occasion, usually only eyeliner and lipstick, and often only lip balm at that, and I absolutely can't stand base. It makes me feel like I've got paint on my face.

Brittany:  Yeah.  Some people expect that.  My skin isn't great, so I do wear makeup. Sometimes makeup just generally looks good, but I'm not some caricature of a woman, but some people think that way, including a lot of trans people.

Kayla:  Right... that's what I was thinking. I think people (especially people here, with less understanding and exposure to transgender people) sort of throw all the stereotypes of what defines a particular gender at those who are transgender. Like, if you’re a transgender woman, you're supposed to be in "drag" all the time and talk like a hooker in a brothel and be completely obsessed with your looks and clothes, etc.

Kayla:  Maybe it's just me, but you never struck me as that kind of person... overdone and extreme like that.

Brittany:  Most of my friends get this stuff, but there are a few who obviously don't. I can tell who they are because they sorta disappeared.

Kayla:  What do you mean disappeared? Disappeared how? Why?

Brittany:  I don't really hear from them and haven't since I started talking about this stuff which is ok, I guess. Two people, out of however many I know, is an insignificant percentage.

Kayla:  They disappeared because you're transgender or because you don't fit their stereotype of what a transgender person should look/act like?

Brittany:  I don't know. If someone needs something explained, fine, but I don't have fucking time trying to explain things to people who just don't have the intellectual capacity to comprehend it.

Kayla:  Ha! So, I'm assuming some of these folks were just assholes all the way around about the whole thing?

Brittany:  Not really assholes. Just clueless, thinking nothing is going to change, or getting people like me confused with drag queens.

Kayla:  It makes sense that there were only a very few who bailed on you.  Seems to me like most of your friends are from "our world" (the club kids and larger body of "freaks" in the Tulsa area). I don't see any of your real friends being stupid like that.

Brittany:  Yeah. Most people don't have any issues.

Kayla:  It's the stereotypes that irritate me. You're a human being. Not a cartoon character.

Brittany:  It's 10 till 8, if you need to know.

Kayla:  Crap. I knew it was getting close. Thanks for letting me know. Ok, I'm gonna' get off here. I'll email you tomorrow and we'll work out more time to talk.

Brittany:  Cool. Ok, well have fun doing whatever you do at home. Talk to you tomorrow.

Friendship

I know this is a little late, but I’ve been busy this past week. My “Becoming Brittany” party went well (that’s actually where the blog name came from. Needed to have a title for the facebook party page, and it stuck). It was to celebrate getting through the first month of hormone therapy, and my transition in general.  My best friends hosted it at their house due to my taste for slightly secluded real estate. I like living in the boonies. It’s quiet. I got to see a lot of people I rarely see. A lot of Evan Williams was consumed. A lot of beer was partially consumed. Of all the beer bottles sitting around the next morning, I don’t think any of the beer drinkers finished a single one. It takes considerably longer to dispose of them if none are empty, but no big deal. A friend brought me 6 red roses, which was hilarious for some reason.  Evan Williams maybe. I had a great time, and didn’t sleep at all even though I was staying the night there. 

After the party ended, Crystal and I copied the first 3 seasons of True Blood from my laptop to her PS3. She started the first episode to make sure it was working. We watched that.  Then she was hooked because that’s what happens to everyone who watches that show. Watched the next one, and the next couple, until dawn. Crystal really does mean the world to me. We’ve been really close for several years now. If I have some big news like coming out as transgender, she’s the first to know, and the first to be supportive. We don’t get to hang out that often due to both of us being busy with different shit, but when we do hang out, or talk on the phone, we tend to talk for hours.  I really lucked out with friends in general. They’re all supportive and great to have in my life. I have a lot of them. I don’t know how I ended up with so many, but I’m glad to have them. This party sort of reminded me of that. Sometimes I sort of “forget” when I go into these reclusive phases I seem to be so prone to. I’m thinking this sort of made me realize what I have, and that I should probably allow myself to experience it more often. Interacting with loved ones face to face is a lot better than interacting via social networking and text messaging.

The closest it gets to a voice coach if you live in Tulsa

I originally downloaded this, but there were missing files, so I just bought it. Showed up today. It's pretty complete as far as what it goes over, so I guess $36 one time is good. Surely I'd otherwise be paying some voice person twice that for one hour. So this is what I'm doing now.

Day 14

of hormone treatment (Spironolactone & Estradiol if I haven't already pointed that out). Significant changes take longer than 2 weeks. I've never seen anyone go through the entirety of puberty in 2 weeks. Have you?


There are a few things that already stand out though.

I pee like a beer-drunk pregnant chick. That started within about 3 hours of taking the first pills. Still going on, but sort of in waves.

Emotions are a little bit more pronounced and clear. Normally it isn't that noticeable, at least to other people, but I don't plan to ever watch "Marley and Me" again. It's not a bad movie, but 1 sad movie = 2 sad movies. I watched "Idiocracy" too though. Sort of balanced it out. It's funny 'cause it's true. If you've seen it, you know what I'm talking about.

My tolerance for heat is completely gone (in July no less lol). I know I'm a transplant from MN, but I actually used to sort of like this weather. Now it feels a little like walking into a fire. Walking across a parking lot is more than enough for the day. Apartment dwellers usually have pools. Maybe I'll hang out with some apartment dwellers soon. I'll be your best friend.

I like tomatoes now. Totally didn't see that one coming. A month ago, I thought they were just a really good way to ruin a decent salad. Ketchup is still gross though.

Becoming Brittany: In the Beginning

KAYLA

I have known for awhile that Brittany was planning to commit to gender reassignment.  We lost touch for a time and I thought that by the next time we spoke, he would be she.  However, when we made contact again, it seemed nothing much had changed.  I was wrong, of course.  These things take time and a not inconsiderable amount of money, but her plans were still in place.  It became apparent that she was on the eve of her turning point; she was only a few weeks away from taking her first doses of hormones and hormone blockers, the elements of Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT).  This was a big moment in my friend's life—perhaps the biggest.  After several conversations—me asking how she thought her family would react, her asking if “xx” women tended to pee more often than men (a question which had to be clarified for me since my mind was a million miles away from chromosomes)--the idea surfaced that we should document this process.  There are many transgender individuals out there who are considering taking these steps, and many more who simply feel like they have to hide who they are and that no one understands them.  And besides, the people who aren't transgender, but who are interested in how the “other half” live, might want to see how this all really happens, and what it's like when a fellow human being struggles with being transgender (and especially changing their gender) in our society.  We saw the opportunity sitting before us, to raise awareness of this issue in our Bible Belt town and beyond.  And we knew, with the hormones already starting to do their job, it was now or never.  

First, I want you to know up front that Brittany isn't a freak.  She isn't showy and in-your-face.  In fact, she's one of the most level-headed and unpretentious people I know.  She doesn't want to be a rock star or a Broadway show girl.  She just wants to be who she is.  If you are willing to come with respect and good will, then we invite you into our little room here to take part in the journey.  We're glad to have you.  Everything's more fun with friends.

BRITTANY

I told myself I'd get this gender transition started in 2011. It wasn't a New Year's resolution. I don't make those. It was more like December 2010 anyway. I called a physician who specializes in this because I couldn't find any therapists online. You have to see a therapist for 3 months for hormones, then live full-time for one year for surgery. The physician I called gave me the number for a few therapists who specialize in this. I chose the most conveniently located one, and saw him for the first time on 3.28.11, which was nice. First step taken. He also has a trans son (so "female to male, FTM," whereas I'm "male to female, MTF”,although I personally find these terms sort of annoying, since I identify simply as female). He understands the issues. Most of time we sort of sit there & bullshit about politics and such, but address any issues as they come up. I'm happy with him, & will probably keep seeing him every other Monday at least until surgery. Shortly after starting these sessions, I started electrolysis to remove facial hair since hormone treatments don't help with that. It's more effective than laser from what I understand. They stick a small needle into each hair follicle, then apply a slight electrical current to permanently kill it, then pull the hair out. You can't really feel the current. Just the needle. The woman who did this took care to make it as comfortable as possible.  

I received my hormone letter from my therapist on 6.20.11, which clears people like myself for hormone replacement therapy (HRT) & promptly posted it on Facebook as a filtered entry. I'm not out to all of my family yet. I saw the physician (same one who referred me to the therapist in March), went through a brief physical, and received prescriptions for an anti-androgen (testosterone blocker) and an estrogen (female hormone). It kind of shocked me that it's really that fucking easy. Go to Walgreen's. Buy pills. As I've been waiting my whole life to do this, it was almost underwhelming. I waited until the next day to start. It was late when I got them. I take one dose of anti-androgen and 2 of estrogen in the morning, then do the same at night. I took the very first doses at 5AM 6.22.11. By 8AM I was already pissing more than usual. It's a side effect that comes almost immediately. Soon I will basically begin female puberty. My skin will become softer. Body hair will thin down. Some may disappear altogether. If I need more electrolysis for that, I'll do it, but it’s best to wait and see. Luckily I don't have a lot to begin with. I will grow and develop breasts. What little fat I have will be redistributed in a more feminine manner. Eventually I will go full time, then surgery. The exact amount of time can't really be determined. Everyone develops at a different rate like any teenager going through puberty.

There is still a lot ahead of me in this transition. Thankfully I have mostly supportive friends. Really, a lot of them reacted like I told them the grass was green. My family will probably be supportive once they process it all. Lots of people have it a lot harder, especially in areas like Oklahoma where the loudest voices aren’t always the ones worth listening to. That’s part of the reason Kayla and I are documenting this, which we will be doing throughout the process. It can easily seem like there is no one else around going through this stuff, but it really isn’t so uncommon.