VAGINA!

I’m a lesbian. I don’t think I really fully understood that until recently, but that’s part of who I am.

I never really related to women as a man, and had minimal interest in them for most of my life. When I was really young, people just thought I was a gay male because of my mannerisms and various stereotypes. That seemed to make sense to me, and provided an opportunity for denial, so I went with it for a while. It’s easier to come out as gay than as transgender. I dated guys and primarily slept with guys for many years. The guys I was attracted to tended to be pretty feminine in appearance and mannerisms, so it basically worked. I never felt like I could relate to the average man, though. The relationships I had weren’t something I took very seriously, unlike the scattered few relationships I had with women back then. The sex was shallow. Kept me successfully hidden in the closet about my gender.

It can also feel awkward to refer to myself as lesbian regardless of how true it is. It depends on who I’m talking to. One issue is I don’t like being compared to these idiot straight men who like to say they’re “lesbian trapped in men’s bodies.” Little do they know, that shit actually happens, and I don’t care to have my situation trivialized or turned into a joke. Sometimes I also don’t feel like I’ve earned the title of lesbian. I wasn’t born with a vagina. I didn’t grow up as a girl. I had white male privilege, but only in theory. I never really knew how to use it. Giving it up has created no sense of loss.

Even recently I was referring to myself as bisexual and kind of believed that, but the truth of the matter is I never think “Oh, I’d really like some dick today.” I’m attracted to women physically and emotionally. I like pussy. I think more like women I know than men I know. I like it when women are protective of me. I can sit with another woman and have deep conversations about things involving emotions and relationships, but this is just awkward, if not impossible for me with most men. If you look at the people I’m friends with, almost all of them are female, and the ones I’m closest to and have the most intimate and fulfilling friendships with ARE ALL female. It’s been that way my entire life. Even as a young child, I almost exclusively hung out with girls. In a way, my gender identity was probably kind of obvious, but I didn’t know what it meant when I pictured myself as one of them when I was 5, 6 years old.

It isn’t that I have anything against men or can’t connect with them emotionally. It just doesn’t occur on as deep of a level. I think the longest relationship I had with a man was with Ben back in 2006. That lasted about 13 months. I don’t know HOW it lasted 13 months, but it did. All we did was fight all the time. We were living together for about the last half of that time period. He was in no way a bad person. Quite the opposite, but it was like this empty relationship. I couldn’t deal with his minor personality annoyances. I used to leave the house all the time. Basically, I spent half the relationship at Crystal and Jerry’s house or fishing with my friend Chris. The relationship eventually ended. I never really gave him as much attention as he needed. He couldn’t properly fulfill my needs. Oil and water.

My current relationship with Trisha is by far the happiest relationship I’ve ever been in. We connect emotionally and physically. I love the conversations. I love the fact that she understands me so well, & takes care of me the way she does. I feel safe and loved with her. Her sense of humor is a lot like mine. We share a love for crappy B horror and action films. The sex is also great. Every time. No man has ever made me feel the way she makes me feel.

I enjoy the family life too, which is new to me. Trisha has 2 daughters from a previous marriage. I love them like they’re my own. We’re basically a dyke couple raising children. We raise them with love and compassion, encourage them to be who they are without apologies, and teach them how to live in the world as best we can. I love taking them out to places, like the zoo, restaurants, parks, etc. I cook for everyone most days, which I fucking love. I’m good at it. I cook good meals. If you don’t think people like us can raise healthy children, you’re sorely mistaken.

I swear, at about 6 months shy of 35 years old, I feel like a fucking teenager again sometimes. All this trial and error. All this "discovering myself." It's amazing how pretty much everything in life is wrapped up in our genders. Most people can just take that for granted, so it's all very simple. Nevertheless, I'm starting to get a more complete picture of who I am & what makes me tick. Vaginas are apparently a big part of that. I might as well just be open about it.