Crazy Bitch

This is something I haven’t generally been open about with most of my own people, let alone the general public, but I had mentioned it in a previous blog entry. It isn’t really related to my gender transition, and I try to stay on topic for the most part. It’s an issue in my life, and a lot of people’s lives though, so I’ll go off topic this once. I’m just talking about this as I experience it here. I’m not going to type out the DSM for you. You can read that yourself if you want “official” information.

I have Bipolar 2 disorder, which is basically “manic-depression” with less of the mania. I don’t remember exactly when I was diagnosed. In my early or middle twenties. Something like that. I was in the hospital (Laureate) for a few days in 2005 for the depression, in 2010 following my deliberate overdose, and more recently after the rape. Most of the time it isn’t so intense as to justify hospitalization, but it has been.

You can thank the media for me generally not talking about it. Bipolar is all the rage right now. When I was younger, it was Attention Deficit Disorder. Everyone was on Ritalin. Now it seems to be Bipolar. Every time someone does something fucked up like shooting strangers in a movie theater, you start hearing the term “bipolar” over and over in the news reports. This makes the stigma associated with the issue that much worse. If you tell someone you have it, sometimes they seem uncomfortable because it probably conjurs up memories of crazies in the news. It’s never occurred to me to go shoot a bunch of people in any state of mind. Maybe that dude didn’t shoot up a movie theater because he has a mood disorder. Maybe he just did it because he’s an asshole.

People also don’t always react in a positive manner. Tell someone you have Bipolar, or just about any psychiatric issue, and you’re put into the “crazy bitch” file and more or less written off as more trouble than you’re worth. Here is a video about stigma surrounding mental health issues.

It seems to add some intensity to my personality, but I’m loud and proud in general, so it’s hard to say. Most of the time my mood is reasonably close to normal. I do go through cycles from time to time though. I have depression spells more than mania spells. I’ll get depressed for no reason for several days and then get past it. When I do have manic spells, I have more energy than I want. My mind races somewhat. It’s hard to sleep and eat properly. I get a lot done during those times, but I’m also high strung, and tend to stress hard over stupid things I normally don’t care about.

Depression spells that pop up on their own are one thing, but the worst depression spells come right after manic spells. That’s what is happening as I write this (10-23-2012). Mildly irritable and manic for several days, then suddenly it’s like jumping off the north face of Mt Everest. It’s like an intense sadness with no cause. I can, and sometimes do, cry over the smallest things or over nothing at all. I’m not motivated to do much. I don’t really want to talk to anyone. I’ve been kind of mopey and sluggish most of the day. If I could sleep for 2 days, I would. My mind sort of wanders to depressing things. I have to shut some people out because they’re triggers of a sort. People who have a tendency to hurt my feelings and people who suck away all my energy with their bullshit drama.

During both of these times, I have to pay extra attention to my stress. I stick to low-intensity, relaxing things like reading books, watch movies with my Partner and our girls. Thankfully my work is pretty low stress, so I don’t struggle too much there.

Medication helps keep me level most of the time. Some people don’t believe in taking medication, usually new age types who don’t need medications. That’s great. Live in your tree hugging dirty hippie world if it makes you happy, but until you go through what I go through, your opinion is invalid. I make my medical decisions based on my own research and the advice of people who specialize in these fields, not idealism. If you don’t like medicine, don’t take it.

The most helpful thing is my support system. My Partner takes care of me emotionally. She has similar issues. I take care care of her emotionally. If some conversation I’m having via text messaging is stressing me out (pretty common), she knows when to make me shut it off for the day. Spending time with her and the girls always brings me joy. The close friends I have seem to understand. If I need to talk, my Partner and friends listen. If I need to be left alone for a little while, they understand. If I get overly stressed out over nothing, they understand and let it go without a great deal of judgement.

None of this makes me completely dysfunctional. I earn a living. I take care of my family. I live my life, and enjoy almost all of it. Knowing I’m not alone in the world makes all the difference.