Things Change

“I want to taste glory in each day, and never be afraid to experience pain; and never shut myself up in a numb core of nonfeeling, or stop questioning and criticizing life and take the easy way out. To learn and think: to think and live; to live and learn: this always, with new insight, new understanding, and new love.” –Sylvia Plath

In some ways I guess I’m becoming more obnoxious and more militant about who I am and having the right to be who I am. I used to be a very reserved, even shy, individual. I missed out on a lot of life, good and bad things. I guess I wasn’t particularly proud of who I was as a person. I was watching myself do things almost as sort of a mildly uninterested outside observer. I was usually fairly numb. I didn’t allow myself to feel much of anything substantial, as I wasn’t “me,” so why bother?

Things have changed. Sometimes I feel like I wasted over 3 decades of my life. I don’t want to waste a 4th. With the physical and emotional changes that come with making good progress on my transition, I’ve gradually become considerably more comfortable with myself. Maybe I’m overcompensating somewhat. I want to experience life as much as I can, and I do. I feel everything very intensely or not at all. I prefer the former these days.

I came very close to ending my life when I deliberately overdosed in the summer of 2010. I think that’s when I realized I needed to either really live or quit wasting my time and give it a better shot. Now I do what I want. I run my own business. I feel no obligation to “mainstream.” I have kinky sex. I fuck like a wild animal. Sometimes I drink a little too much or do too many drugs. I don’t apologize for it. I’m responsible. I’m an adult. I’m very open about all of that. I owe no apologizes for simply living my life. How conventional or unconventional things are is of very little concern to me. I’m emotional. I’m very compassionate and very passionate. I’m very loving, and also very bitchy. I can tell you I love you and say fuck you in one sentence, and mean it. If people don’t like this new loud and proud me, that’s fine. They can stay away, and some do.

Most of the time, this is a good thing. My relationship with my partner is very loving and we’re still very affectionate, almost like teenagers at times. We laugh a lot, and we laugh hard. We have deep and intense conversations. The sex is never boring. In fact, it’s pretty mind-blowing. My close friends seem to love me more than ever before. When I socialize, we have great fun. When I feel antisocial, I shut myself off, but I’m usually not miserable during these times. It may be that I’m feeling a bit misanthropic, or it may be that I just need time to myself to achieve a sense of calm and take a break from the chaos I seem to attract, but I enjoy every minute of being with my newly acquired family, doing the work that I do, getting a little alone time for gaming and writing, whatever.

Sometimes all this feeling and desire to feel can be a bad thing. I get overly attached to the wrong people. My heart is easy to break, and when that happens I express all those feelings all at once. Sometimes this can cost me a friend. I developed romantic feelings for a friend recently. I love those protective women, and that’s how she was. She took great care of me when it was needed, especially after I was raped last December. And I felt everything from that experience too. Too intensely as usual. I went kind of crazy for a while. Partied to much, let my emotions run completely wild, barely slept because I had nightmares if I did, freaked out for no real reason. She dealt with that very well as a friend. I finally began to calm down somewhat when I got together with Trisha, but those feelings continued to develop. We started fighting all the time when we talked. Now we don’t really talk anymore at all. We never hang out. And it kind of breaks my heart. I lost a pretty great friend. Maybe I wouldn’t have if I maintained a greater level of sanity. Then again, maybe it was doomed regardless. Who can say?

I’m also bipolar. I was diagnosed in 2002 or something like that, maybe a little before. I don’t talk about this very often (really not at all with most people). This is why I go through depression spells from time to time. I take medication for this, but I’m sure it contributes some to the intensity with which I experience life. Sometimes, like at the current time, I just lie low and enjoy my home life. I have to in order to achieve some sort of psychological balance. Feeling everything all the time takes a lot of energy, especially when some these things are negative in any way. Sometimes I don’t have that much energy. I get worn out and rest with my family and my electronic entertainment.

It’s all worth it though. I wouldn’t want it any other way. As much as some of the bad things like rape, or to a lesser extent, failed friendships, may suck, the good things outnumber the bad. I have a lot of people who love me. Feeling that the majority of the time is what makes everything I’m doing worth it. I’ll do what I need to do to maintain some balance, but I’m going to live my life at full intensity. I’m going to enjoy the happy times and cry during the bad times for the rest of my life because I don’t want to be numb and bored when it ends.