2020 Is Terrible Except When It Isn't

 Sorry I haven't blogged in over a year. Your mom was here.

Just kidding. She wasn't here because of the goddamn coronavirus. Most of this year has been bizarre to watch and experience. I correctly figured in the event of a crisis, there would be a lack of any effective leadership, which would intensify and prolong the crisis. And here we are winning the global pandemic game day after day, month after month in a country full of so many entitled, idiotic people that we're finding ourselves in the midst of the dumbest culture war imaginable; pro-mask versus anti-mask. Instead of speaking up against and making an effort to actually do something about, say, racial, economic, and environmental injustice, the loudest people are crying a river over the thought of wearing masks in public to slow down community spread of a potentially deadly virus. You can really see the privilege showing when a bunch of white guys can't deal with being told to wear a mask. Too much body policing for those who have been policing everyone else's bodies since fucking forever, I guess. Poor guys. That must be hard. #ThoughtsAndPrayers. There is no functional national leadership, as Trump is at best of average intelligence, and only actually cares about his position of power and that of the corrupt individuals he surrounds himself with.

Not that corruption in capitalism and government is a new thing. It's just more blatant right now. Collectively speaking, we deserve this shit. We abuse this planet for profit as if we have a backup planet to abuse, which we do not (FYI). We abuse each other for stupid reasons, greed and bigotry being among the most common of those reasons, hence the need for the Black Lives Matter movement.

I know I'm among many when I point out that watching everything crumble around me has a negative impact on my mental health. I'm prone to depression anyway. I always have been, but it's been a more frequent struggle lately. Seeing an increase in senseless tragedy takes it's toll. Social media makes it worse, so I'm taking a break from that. This may be posted during that break (though maybe after if it sits here unfinished for a week or something before I complete it), but most likely it'll be linked by AV on the Becoming Brittany Facebook page, since she's better at adding little comments and engaging with our little handful of followers. It's definitely taking a toll on most of my clients as well. Quarantine and endlessly seeing clients online instead of in person is a problem for me. I miss my office, but I have some level of privilege being able to keep my job and salary intact, and simply changing the logistics of how I work. Some people I know have lost their jobs entirely. Some have lost tons of money because they had to shut down their businesses for a while. Some opened back up sooner than they would have preferred because they need to eat and pay the rent/mortgage. Hopefully none get sick and die. No one I know has gotten sick and failed to recover so far, but many people I don't know have. But hey. fOr ThE eCoNoMy!! 

For me personally, it's been a mix of good and bad, but depression and boredom with quarantine aside, at least I have a great family to be quarantined with. Odds are very low that any of us is going to go full on The Shining on the others. I've even met someone new romantically. Not really "new." We've been Facebook friends for something like 8 or 9 years, which is close the entire existence of my account. Mostly I'm too nervous and inclined to believe I'm undesirable (thanks to feeling like I'm "raped goods" and generally feeling like I'll never be woman enough)  to even tell people I'm into them without prior knowledge of them being into me, but she posted something, and I was feeling more courageous or something that day. It turns out there is a  mutual attraction and we're both polyamorous. Long distance dating and video dating (we live several hours apart) are totally new to me, but it seemed a good time to consider trying. The relationship is still in it's early stages of development, but I'm glad I brought up the nearly decade old crush in a Facebook comment. My insecurities and abandonment issues (which I'm not going into on a post that's really only meant to provide an update on my life with a little commentary on current events) are making themselves known, as they often do during the early stages, but she seems to have the patience for it. It's a rare treat that I find someone who is a good fit for me intellectually, morally, personality-wise, AND can deal with my neurotic bullshit. And she's pretty cute too. She's also a published poet, which I think is awesome. Her book is here. I'll include a photo of a poem she sent me in the mail because I like it. Of course any new relationship comes with a certain amount of uncertainty, which so NOT something I'm super adept at dealing with, but I think it's going well so far. I hope to visit soon since it's only a few hours from here to there, an area that hasn't been hit too hard by the Covid. 

This year has forced me to do some in-depth self examination/improvement, if nothing else, because it's either do that or give up and finally break down irreparably. With any luck, maybe I can reach the other side of this more confident, less distrustful, and better at communicating openly and vulnerably with those around me. As it is, I have a hard time understanding why it is exactly that those who care for me actually do. I find it hard to ask, but whatever those reasons may be for different people, they help me navigate my messy mind when I actually open up to them.

This entry almost feels out of place here. Normally I try to keep it pretty focused on the trans and queer aspects of my life, or at least connect that to what I'm writing about. Then again, I mentioned dating, and any mention of dating from me is always queer because I'm lesbian as fuck. I'd promise to write more frequently, but 2020 is a major distraction. I'll write when I get to it, which should happen eventually. That could easily be in 2021, but hey. Maybe I'll be a more improved version of myself then. If society could improve at least somewhat collectively, that would be rad as fuck. I'm not holding my breath though. We'll see.

Remember, Black Lives Matter and dump Trump in November.