A Very Poly Relationship

Special note for our readers: Brittany's cohort in these blog chats has been flying under the pseudonym "Kayla" in previous posts due to the strongly conservative nature of her day job. She has since moved onto another company and so feels comfortable now going by her given name, Angela, and sharing on her personal social media to help boost the signal. Just, ya know, in case you were confused. Kayla=Angela, same broad. 😉

We open on an overcast afternoon, with Brittany and Angela catching up on their day, waiting for it to rain. The conversation quickly turns... alternative. 

Angela: I'm here!

Brittany: Same!

Angela: Yay! How are the puppers?

Brittany:  They're happy. There is a small field not too far from here. They seem to understand to stay off the street, so we let them run around there.

Angela:  Good dogs! I have to work just trying to keep mine from darting out the front door for her favorite game: Jail Break (watch the humans chase me!)

Brittany:  Thought it was supposed to rain today, but fuck no. Kiara is watering the gardens. This place has become like a humid desert lately.

Angela:  Ugh, yes. But my eldest had to walk to work today, so I’m ok with it holding out for just a little

Brittany:  Yeah. We have the windows open. I was just going to water, but my 11 year old volunteered. A preteen volunteering to do shit. Lol. Bizarro World

Angela:  Definitely! I ask our teenagers (multiple) to do things around the house and I get the world’s longest “UUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH“

Brittany:  Fortunately, we only have 2. Charity is 13. They aren't real confrontational over minor shit most of the time.

Angela:  Well, sprinkle some magic dust on her to keep her willingly helpful for as long as possible.

Brittany:  Lol. They're a lot easier than I was.

Angela:  I was fairly compliant (natural people-pleaser). I just snuck around and lied about shit.

But, I saw on FB you went out with your ladies last night. How was that? It was supposedly something super gay.  

Brittany:  Pretty good. We actually ate at home, but went to see a late showing of Love, Simon. Simon is totally gay.

Angela:  I haven’t even heard of this. (So, in white-cis-Oklahoma that means it must be Gay.)

Brittany:  Yeah. We found it surfing Fandango to see what movies are around. We'll probably see A Wrinkle in Time sometime soon, too. We'll definitely take the girls to that one,

Angela:  I want to see A Wrinkle in Time, too. 
Was Simon playing at The Circle (our little Indie arthouse theater that isn’t afraid of The Gay, for our out-of-town readers), or a mainstream theater?

Brittany:  Mainstream at Promenade. Maybe other places too, but Promenade is close, so we generally go there. 

Angela:  When we lived dover there, we practically lived at the AMC across from Promenade. Now we live at the Warren because it has a cry room. (More clarification for our readers - if you don't know, a cry room is a nice little soundproof place where parents can take babies and little kids to watch a movie on the big screen without worrying that their screaming offspring will disturb other movie-goers. This is not, in fact, a place where you go to cry about your life. Unless the toddler in question is dumping a vat of pink lemonade onto your cell phone... then you might cry in there, too.)

Brittany:  Last night was a date night, since the girls weren't here.

Angela:  Nice! I know you generally have an IDGAF attitude about these things (which is enviable), but do you gals ever get any flack when you’re all out together? I mean, do you think people realize you’re obviously together, romantically, the 3 of you?

Brittany:  Now and then, if we're being affectionate enough and not in a dark theater where no one can see it. More often, people just assume we're friends because they're used to seeing hetero monogamous people. Or at least male/female couples, and they just assume heterosexuality and monogamy on their part.

Angela:  Do you feel like you have to act differently in public (more so than a hetero couple or even a monogamous same-sex couple) than at home? Like, do you consciously keep the  PDA to a minimum?

Brittany:  It depends on where we are and whether we care on any given day. We're kind of careful if we're in an environment that seems sketchy. Then places like the dyke bar are totally fine. People just find it interesting. 

But sometimes we honestly don't give a fuck.

If we're at some gas station in the sticks between Dallas and here, we're more careful.

Angela:  That makes sense. I was also thinking that it helps a little that you’re all women. Women are known to be more outwardly affectionate than men, so seeing 3 girls holding hands or with their arms around each other wouldn’t necessarily seem “gross” or “offensive," like it would if you were men.

Sadly

Brittany:  It does. Until you get some perv wanting to get it on it.

Angela:  Ugh. Right. More of that toxic masculinity stuff were talking about last time. 

Just don’t kiss or anything. Because then you’re heading right into porno country, cover the children’s eyes, you need Jesus.

Brittany:  Lol.  Shit like that goes on everywhere, but OK can be a difficult place sometimes.

Angela:  I know. It’s just a bit more concentrated in the South. (And yes, I have had long debates and in-depth research into what region of the US Oklahoma is considered to belong, and we are officially The South. Fight me.)

Brittany:  Yeah. I consider it south, too. Southern culture here, good and bad, and I'm from MN, so everyone is south to me.

Angela:  Lol! I’m from all over *gestures vaguely* so I don‘t have a preference, but according to Official Sources, we’re definitely South. But I get why people think Midwest, too, being right next to that region. We’re influenced by both. But the bigotry... I’d never seen anything like it before I moved here as a teenager. And I lived for several years in Texas! Like, we make Texas look progressive.

Brittany:  Well, aside from abortion. We definitely have better access to abortion than Texans do. Idk why.

Some people seem to think to think love is a finite resource,  so like for me to love 2 people, I have to divide it so it's less for each. That isn't accurate at all.

Angela:  I’ve heard that perspective. I have come to the conclusion that monogamy isn’t about love. I’m monogamous, but it has more to do with a person’s ability to be open to more than one person. And, depending on the person, that person’s ability to not be jealous. There’s probably a more eloquent way to put that, but in essence...

Brittany:  Yeah. Monogamy is perfectly valid, though not for everyone. You put that perfectly.

Angela:  It would be a lot better if more people understood and accepted that fact. I don’t understand why we define our entire societal structure on our tight definition of “normal” relationships.

Brittany:  We aren't real prone to jealousy in general. A lot of people in poly relationships or open relationships use the word compersion. The opposite of jealousy.

Angela:  You 3... you’re raising kids, running a household, contributing to society. What’s the problem?

Compersion. I have never heard that term.

Brittany:  Yeah. I don't think it exists in the dictionary at this time, but it exists. In the world.

But yeah. We're just 3 women raising a family in a house with some pets. Our lifestyle isn't super flamboyant. We're fairly introverted most of the time.

Sure threesome and some kinky shit happen with a certain regularity, but we're pretty private about it.

Angela:  Monogamous couples do kinky shit, too. People just don't talk about it.

Do you think there is much jealousy in many polyamorous relationships? I mean, I know it seems counter-intuitive, but I'm sure it comes up.

Brittany:  Yeah, People tend to assume poly = kinky. Maybe we're more open to certain things, but not all poly people are kinky, and not all monogamous people are vanilla. It's not like there's a litmus test.

(Jealousy) isn't uncommon, but it can be addressed and processed. Boundaries in general are important, and make a big difference.

Angela:  I feel like, and correct me if I'm wrong, that people getting into poly relationships are naturally better at communicating and drawing those boundaries in a clear way (better than many monogamous couples), simply because they know what they are getting into isn't conventional. Is that right?

Brittany:  I mean, there are poly curious (and kink curious) noobs running around trying things without looking into what it means. They can end up in an unhealthy situation, but most other poly people I've come across seem to be a little better at that.

Some probably research it. I did. Others end up with someone who already understands communication and boundaries.

Angela:  That makes sense. People are stupid, no matter what they're into. But It's good that you did some research. More mono couples should probably do that, too.

Brittany:  Yeah. I've seen plenty of mono people with a horrible sense of boundaries. Maybe mono people are more likely to assume it'll just fall into place like in the romantic movies.

Angela:  Exactly that. 

When did you figure out that you'd be open to a relationship like that?

Brittany:  Trisha and I were open sexually from day 1, but it wasn't until we got to know Michelle that we knew we wanted her in the actual relationship as opposed to some casual thing.

Angela:  That's neat.

Brittany:  I met Michelle 4 days into grad school. For a while, it was pretty casual with her, then with all of us. Eventually it became a serious relationship.

Getting close to 2 years of serious now.

Angela

That's fantastic!

Brittany:  I think so.

Angela:  Do you feel like there are any alphas in the relationship, or are you all on pretty equal footing?

Brittany:  Trisha is the most dominant sexually. I'm a little bit alpha when it comes to finances, but I've always been on top of money related things. I'm the most submissive sexually. People who interact with me only outside of that context seem all suprised to find out for some reason. But, for the most part, we're on equal footing, and communicate in a healthy way.

Speaking of finances, an advantage people don't always think about: Triple income situation.

Angela:  Right????

Brittany:  Like the mortgage is just over $800. Divide that by 3 and get an awesome number.

Angela:  Ok, that brings me to the living arrangement situation. Are you all 3 in the same bedroom? Separate rooms?

Brittany:  We sleep in the same bed. "King size" is big enough. None of us are very big.

Angela:  But all your stuff fits in the same room? You don't feel cramped at all? (these are the weird things my brain wonders when pondering how people fit even just one extra person into a long-term relationship, lol)

Brittany:  There's a big dresser in the closet, and some clothes have ended up in the girls' bathroom since it's huge and has cabinets. They have their own dressers in their rooms, so it's not really an issue.
We have our things that we do alone and with different pairings (like kickboxing is Michelle and I's thing), but we always come together in the end.

Angela:  That's great. Do Trisha and Michelle do things together, without you? Or are you sort of the connective glue that keeps you all together?

Brittany:  They do, and that's awesome to me that they have their time.

Angela:  That is pretty great that you each relate to each other individually as well as as a unit.

Brittany:  Yeah. And other than books and vinyls taking up space, it isn't too cluttered. Things no one needed anymore either got sold, given away, or put that in the attic.

It's a 3 bedroom house.

Angela:  So, what does a typical day in your household look like? Schedule-wise. Does everyone work outside the home? Do you juggle responsibilities? Housework? Cooking?

Brittany:  We share housework. I cook a lot of the time, but Charity likes to pretty frequently. She wants to go to culinary school, which she'll be great at if she does. Trisha works a 7am schedule outside the home. Michelle and I are both 8am schedule.

Usually, we eat around 6 or 7pm and either watch tv or end up doing separate things. Reading, on the computer etc.

Angela:  Sounds pretty standard.

Brittany:  Yeah. Not so exotic.

From here the convo dissolves into boring gotta-gos and promises of editing and publishing and plans for the next post. You don't wanna read all that. 

Life After Death

I'm restarting this blog, unfortunately, on a somber note. My mother died on January 10, 2018 at age 63, which is also why it took me so long to write after the chat between Kayla and I was posted.

My mother and I had a complicated relationship throughout my younger years. I was a handful to say the least, and she had an occasional tendency to become verbally abusive at times, whether it was directed at me, my sister, or an inanimate object. Any number of things could set her off. Spilled drink, a little attitude, bad day, whatever. There are many ways to be verbally abusive, some subtle, some blatant. She has an issue with explosive anger, possibly partially resulting from her own unacknowledged mental health struggles. As wrong as it is to be screaming at children hysterically over the smallest offense, she was usually very caring and supportive. We managed to stay close regardless.

My anxiety began to show up at a young age. I remember being 9 or 10 years old, and pretending to be sick because I had intrusive thoughts (common enough with anxiety disorders) that something would happen to her if I left, as if I could somehow stop anything by being there at that age. Social anxiety also showed up pretty early on. I was never really afraid of family or people I knew well, but other people were, and still sometimes are, a source of anxiety. Whether any of this relates to that complex relationship with my mother (and father, but this isn't about him) is hard to say, but it's very much possible.

In my adult life, things improved drastically. She was always one of my biggest supporters. She didn't really mind how unconventional I was and am. She was fine with the whole visibly punk/goth thing I had going on for a while. When I told her I was trans, she accepted it with minimal struggle. My polyamorous relationship with Trisha and Michelle was just seen as another interesting thing about how I live life. My partners, daughters, and her got along very well. We'd all hang out, go to dinner, watch shows on Netflix. If I needed her support, she was there.

On December 31, 2017, I was with Bae 1, Bae 2 (what I sometimes call Trisha and Michelle, respectively) and my best friend Lindsey in Dallas celebrating my birthday week, when I received a text from my mom, who was in the hospital for seemingly mild issues at the time, saying she had liver cancer, having already survived breast cancer.

The first couple times I visited she seemed alright, but then she picked up pneumonia. After a few days of that, I got a call on January 6 from someone who was visiting and from her doctors saying she was moved to intensive care, to come as quickly as I could, and asking about her DNR (Do Not Resuscitate order). When I got there and met up with her boyfriend, she was conscious, but her vitals were all over the place, and she had a breathing mask on, helping her breathe, but not doing it for her. She was confused, had always been claustrophobic, and kept trying to take it off despite us telling her not to every few seconds. They finally put the mitten things on her hands so she couldn't grab the mask. That made it worse. This went on for several hours. She was panicking constantly, making her vitals even worse. I've never seen someone I care about suffer like that. Finally after about 7 hours in the hospital with her, she was on the right anxiety medication to be calm with fairly stable, though not ideal, vitals. That was the last time I saw her properly conscious. Knowing what was coming, I brought the tablet in to watch the one episode of Broadchurch we hadn't seen on January 9, even though I knew she couldn't perceive it, and I'm totally not usually that sentimental. That was her last night alive. The next day my sister made it into town. We decided to put her on comfort care, since she was obviously not going to wake up, and never wanted sustained life support (I don't want that either). All that means is they stopped the breathing machine and drips, and gave her morphine so she wouldn't be in pain. She died 15 minutes later, peacefully. Fortunately, it was nothing like January 6.

At the beginning of the time-frame above, there seemed to be some hope. Cancer appeared to be discovered early (turned out it was stage 4). She was lucid when I called and visited her. When they moved her to intensive care, they called, obviously thinking she was about to die. When, I went up there and met up with her boyfriend, she was so confused, and panicking non-stop for hours, I stayed until 2 or 3 hours after she became stable. It stuck with me. I had barely been eating anyway because I tend not to eat when stressed. I was also dehydrated, and began having panic attacks of my own anytime the phone rang, thinking it was her doctors. With no other history of hallucinations, I'd hear the phone ring even when it wasn't. All of those things resulted in me going to the hospital, thankfully only for about a day. My depression and anxiety are usually "high functioning," and I can usually remain super rational to the point of coming across as cold. When I can't, it's an event. Those icy layers break. My anxiety spikes. I get depressed and can't motivate myself enough to do anything. Those were the first panic attacks I've had in years.

It's still hard. Losing a close loved one is difficult, and losing a parent is even more difficult. Grief takes time, but it gradually gets better. Fortunately I have a great support system. My partners, daughters, friends, father, sister, and aunt (mother's older sister, who stayed at my house for a few days while she was here) helped a lot. My partners have been really affectionate, and everyone has been there for me when needed, and been willing to give me space when needed. My mom donated some of her body to science, which I sort of find comfort in. I'm all about science, also a donor, and maybe a little good can be done after death that way. I have an urn above the fireplace, along with another meant to go to my sister next time my dad goes to visit her in the southwest, and a box for my aunt to scatter up north. My mom's boyfriend, who has another dog of his own, also asked if I wanted her dog, Bo. I said yes. He's kind of goofy and entertaining. He joins 2 other dogs and 2 cats, but stands out because of his personality, and seems as happy being part of this family as the others. Maybe it's kind of a silver lining that I get to take over the love and care of this dog she loved so much.

We're Ba-ack!

In which Brittany and Kayla attempt to restart and catch up the whole blog (after a 5 year hiatus) in a one-hour lunchtime private chat, and mostly succeed even if it does end abruptly. But this is just the (re)beginning, friends and fam. It's a whole new world out there; we've got some shit to discuss.  

January 3, 2018

Kayla:  First of all, let’s start this off by saying I have zero specific questions prepped, so we’re going to be TOTALLY OFF THE CUFF HERE, PEOPLE. You know, how professional bloggers do it. 😉
But it’s been... gah... how long has it been now? Since our last BB convo?

Brittany:  Yeah. Just winging it here too. Most recent blog entry is from October 2012, so a long ass time.

Kayla:  Yep. Sounds about right. I’ve gotten divorced, remarried, and had a baby since then.
And you’ve clearly met the love of your life, if I can be so bold...?

Brittany:  Yeah. Still with Trisha after almost 6 years now. And Michelle has stuck around for about 2. Crazy. Good crazy, but I didn't see it coming

Kayla:  That’s fantastic! So at this point, you’re in a polyamorous relationship? Is that how you’d describe it?

Brittany:  Yeah. The 3 of us. Trisha & I were always somewhat open, but the actual 3rd person in a real relationship wasn't something we were looking for, but Michelle is awesome.

Kayla:  Do you live together, or in separate homes?

Brittany:  Together. She moved in about a year ago, not like  Trisha & I moving in together after like 2 months. And she's young. 28 in April.

Kayla:  How has that been with the kids and all? I know Trish has daughters. Is their dad supportive?

Brittany:  He doesn't seem to care, other than occasionally remarking how he wishes he had 2 girlfriends lol. He has a relationship to the girls, not much of one with the adults.

Kayla:  That’s cool. At least he’s not being a dick about it. Buckle of the Bible Belt and all that - I’ve known some cases where things were way harder.

Brittany:  Yeah. Fortunately he's about as religious as I am. I imagine being a religious person in a relationship with Trisha would be about as lovely as being with me.

Kayla:  Lol, good. But, so, where we left off... your transition... which is obviously not transitional anymore. But to catch people up, how have things been on that front since?

Brittany:  I've pretty much decided to probably not get surgery because I don't want to deal with the recovery period. My boobs are 32A from hormones. I'm pretty content with that as I'm scrawny enough that they're visible. I zapped all the facial hair off some time ago, and have worked on my voice.

Kayla:  And you’re still doing regular hormone treatments?

Brittany:  Yeah. That'll be for life.

Kayla:  Well, you’ve always spoken of them so fondly, so that’s ok.  😉

Brittany:  It took a while for them to grow. Doubt they will anymore. Makes sense though. My mom is about the same size. I got her body type, but a few more inches of height, which I never really thought about pre-transition.

Kayla:  Not everyone can be a DDD, though I suppose there are implants, if you ever decide to go that route. A lot of women do.

Brittany:  Yeah. Could happen, but probably not. If I do anything, it would be facial feminization surgery since I sort of take after my dad in that area. But then again, people on the street don't usually clock me anyway.

Kayla:  Clock you?

Brittany:  Notice I'm trans.

Kayla:  Oh, that’s not a term I’ve heard before! Where does that come from? Why ‘clock’? (I usually think of that word in terms of either being punched or a timepiece, way to keep time.)

Brittany:  I'm not actually sure where it comes from. Just part of the lingo you pick up from other trans people. Like getting clocked means you didn't "pass" as cis to the person who noticed.

Kayla:  Gotcha. I just had to ask ‘cause words/language fascinate me in general.
But do you feel that helps you, socially speaking? That you typically “pass”?

Brittany:  Yeah, but few people pass all the time. Sometimes you can tell someone is clocking you or picking up on something when they look at you weird. Thankfully, most people don't say anything. But then comes the new problem of cat callers and street harassers. Which is scary because, if they clock me in the process of harassing, that can get dangerous.

Kayla:  That was going to be my next question, even before you brought it up. How people treat you in public in blood-Red Oklahoma.

Brittany:  Yeah, that has a lot to do with why I got my carry permit and got into kickboxing with Michelle.

Kayla:  I don’t blame you. It’s a hard world for women. And it’s an especially hard world for trans women.

Brittany:  Yeah. The world is dangerous, so I became dangerous.

Kayla:  You do what you have to do to protect yourself.

Brittany:  It's not right for everyone, but it helps me feel a bit more secure.

Kayla:  Yeah, I get that.

Brittany:  Plus kickboxing is fun and totally great for fitness.

Kayla:  I can’t own a gun (personal limit) because I’m too paranoid to have them around kids/teenagers, even locked in a safe. But I’m also not trans, so I’m sure if I saw a new report every week of one of my small community getting murdered, I’d feel differently.
Lol, now I probably should get into kickboxing. I could stand to lose some pounds.  😉

Brittany:  It's one way to do it.

Kayla:  Probably more effective than sitting around watching Netflix all the time.

Brittany:  It's kind of hard to picture you kickboxing though. 20ish years of knowing you, and I've never sensed any violent inclinations on your part.

Kayla:  Lol, right? Have you built up any muscles doing that?

Brittany:  Yeah. I have good tone these days.

Kayla:  Though, I did take Tung Sudo when I was a kid. For, like, 6 months. I don’t even know if I’m still spelling that right. Maybe I should just do yoga. I need good tone, too.

Brittany:  Tang Soo Do? I looked it up. Yoga is great, too.

Kayla:  That might be right. I’ve done a little yoga.

Brittany:  I think just about every gym has toga classes.

Kayla:  Lol, I know that’s a typo, but now I’m picturing a bunch of people wrapped in sheets.

Brittany:  Lol. I didn't notice. Classes on how to dress in sheets.

Kayla:  Yes. And drink like a frat boy.

Brittany:  Yeah. I wouldn't be hanging out there

Kayla:  No drinking?

Brittany:  Not for a few years now. Or hard drugs. It was getting pretty toxic.

It's almost 1, and I have a client, so let me copy and paste real quick.

And this is where we both had to get back to our respective day jobs wihtout ceremony, as we'd run out the clock. No pun intended. But stay tuned. We like doing this better than our day jobs, anyway.

Crazy Bitch

This is something I haven’t generally been open about with most of my own people, let alone the general public, but I had mentioned it in a previous blog entry. It isn’t really related to my gender transition, and I try to stay on topic for the most part. It’s an issue in my life, and a lot of people’s lives though, so I’ll go off topic this once. I’m just talking about this as I experience it here. I’m not going to type out the DSM for you. You can read that yourself if you want “official” information.

I have Bipolar 2 disorder, which is basically “manic-depression” with less of the mania. I don’t remember exactly when I was diagnosed. In my early or middle twenties. Something like that. I was in the hospital (Laureate) for a few days in 2005 for the depression, in 2010 following my deliberate overdose, and more recently after the rape. Most of the time it isn’t so intense as to justify hospitalization, but it has been.

You can thank the media for me generally not talking about it. Bipolar is all the rage right now. When I was younger, it was Attention Deficit Disorder. Everyone was on Ritalin. Now it seems to be Bipolar. Every time someone does something fucked up like shooting strangers in a movie theater, you start hearing the term “bipolar” over and over in the news reports. This makes the stigma associated with the issue that much worse. If you tell someone you have it, sometimes they seem uncomfortable because it probably conjurs up memories of crazies in the news. It’s never occurred to me to go shoot a bunch of people in any state of mind. Maybe that dude didn’t shoot up a movie theater because he has a mood disorder. Maybe he just did it because he’s an asshole.

People also don’t always react in a positive manner. Tell someone you have Bipolar, or just about any psychiatric issue, and you’re put into the “crazy bitch” file and more or less written off as more trouble than you’re worth. Here is a video about stigma surrounding mental health issues.

It seems to add some intensity to my personality, but I’m loud and proud in general, so it’s hard to say. Most of the time my mood is reasonably close to normal. I do go through cycles from time to time though. I have depression spells more than mania spells. I’ll get depressed for no reason for several days and then get past it. When I do have manic spells, I have more energy than I want. My mind races somewhat. It’s hard to sleep and eat properly. I get a lot done during those times, but I’m also high strung, and tend to stress hard over stupid things I normally don’t care about.

Depression spells that pop up on their own are one thing, but the worst depression spells come right after manic spells. That’s what is happening as I write this (10-23-2012). Mildly irritable and manic for several days, then suddenly it’s like jumping off the north face of Mt Everest. It’s like an intense sadness with no cause. I can, and sometimes do, cry over the smallest things or over nothing at all. I’m not motivated to do much. I don’t really want to talk to anyone. I’ve been kind of mopey and sluggish most of the day. If I could sleep for 2 days, I would. My mind sort of wanders to depressing things. I have to shut some people out because they’re triggers of a sort. People who have a tendency to hurt my feelings and people who suck away all my energy with their bullshit drama.

During both of these times, I have to pay extra attention to my stress. I stick to low-intensity, relaxing things like reading books, watch movies with my Partner and our girls. Thankfully my work is pretty low stress, so I don’t struggle too much there.

Medication helps keep me level most of the time. Some people don’t believe in taking medication, usually new age types who don’t need medications. That’s great. Live in your tree hugging dirty hippie world if it makes you happy, but until you go through what I go through, your opinion is invalid. I make my medical decisions based on my own research and the advice of people who specialize in these fields, not idealism. If you don’t like medicine, don’t take it.

The most helpful thing is my support system. My Partner takes care of me emotionally. She has similar issues. I take care care of her emotionally. If some conversation I’m having via text messaging is stressing me out (pretty common), she knows when to make me shut it off for the day. Spending time with her and the girls always brings me joy. The close friends I have seem to understand. If I need to talk, my Partner and friends listen. If I need to be left alone for a little while, they understand. If I get overly stressed out over nothing, they understand and let it go without a great deal of judgement.

None of this makes me completely dysfunctional. I earn a living. I take care of my family. I live my life, and enjoy almost all of it. Knowing I’m not alone in the world makes all the difference.

Things Change

“I want to taste glory in each day, and never be afraid to experience pain; and never shut myself up in a numb core of nonfeeling, or stop questioning and criticizing life and take the easy way out. To learn and think: to think and live; to live and learn: this always, with new insight, new understanding, and new love.” –Sylvia Plath

In some ways I guess I’m becoming more obnoxious and more militant about who I am and having the right to be who I am. I used to be a very reserved, even shy, individual. I missed out on a lot of life, good and bad things. I guess I wasn’t particularly proud of who I was as a person. I was watching myself do things almost as sort of a mildly uninterested outside observer. I was usually fairly numb. I didn’t allow myself to feel much of anything substantial, as I wasn’t “me,” so why bother?

Things have changed. Sometimes I feel like I wasted over 3 decades of my life. I don’t want to waste a 4th. With the physical and emotional changes that come with making good progress on my transition, I’ve gradually become considerably more comfortable with myself. Maybe I’m overcompensating somewhat. I want to experience life as much as I can, and I do. I feel everything very intensely or not at all. I prefer the former these days.

I came very close to ending my life when I deliberately overdosed in the summer of 2010. I think that’s when I realized I needed to either really live or quit wasting my time and give it a better shot. Now I do what I want. I run my own business. I feel no obligation to “mainstream.” I have kinky sex. I fuck like a wild animal. Sometimes I drink a little too much or do too many drugs. I don’t apologize for it. I’m responsible. I’m an adult. I’m very open about all of that. I owe no apologizes for simply living my life. How conventional or unconventional things are is of very little concern to me. I’m emotional. I’m very compassionate and very passionate. I’m very loving, and also very bitchy. I can tell you I love you and say fuck you in one sentence, and mean it. If people don’t like this new loud and proud me, that’s fine. They can stay away, and some do.

Most of the time, this is a good thing. My relationship with my partner is very loving and we’re still very affectionate, almost like teenagers at times. We laugh a lot, and we laugh hard. We have deep and intense conversations. The sex is never boring. In fact, it’s pretty mind-blowing. My close friends seem to love me more than ever before. When I socialize, we have great fun. When I feel antisocial, I shut myself off, but I’m usually not miserable during these times. It may be that I’m feeling a bit misanthropic, or it may be that I just need time to myself to achieve a sense of calm and take a break from the chaos I seem to attract, but I enjoy every minute of being with my newly acquired family, doing the work that I do, getting a little alone time for gaming and writing, whatever.

Sometimes all this feeling and desire to feel can be a bad thing. I get overly attached to the wrong people. My heart is easy to break, and when that happens I express all those feelings all at once. Sometimes this can cost me a friend. I developed romantic feelings for a friend recently. I love those protective women, and that’s how she was. She took great care of me when it was needed, especially after I was raped last December. And I felt everything from that experience too. Too intensely as usual. I went kind of crazy for a while. Partied to much, let my emotions run completely wild, barely slept because I had nightmares if I did, freaked out for no real reason. She dealt with that very well as a friend. I finally began to calm down somewhat when I got together with Trisha, but those feelings continued to develop. We started fighting all the time when we talked. Now we don’t really talk anymore at all. We never hang out. And it kind of breaks my heart. I lost a pretty great friend. Maybe I wouldn’t have if I maintained a greater level of sanity. Then again, maybe it was doomed regardless. Who can say?

I’m also bipolar. I was diagnosed in 2002 or something like that, maybe a little before. I don’t talk about this very often (really not at all with most people). This is why I go through depression spells from time to time. I take medication for this, but I’m sure it contributes some to the intensity with which I experience life. Sometimes, like at the current time, I just lie low and enjoy my home life. I have to in order to achieve some sort of psychological balance. Feeling everything all the time takes a lot of energy, especially when some these things are negative in any way. Sometimes I don’t have that much energy. I get worn out and rest with my family and my electronic entertainment.

It’s all worth it though. I wouldn’t want it any other way. As much as some of the bad things like rape, or to a lesser extent, failed friendships, may suck, the good things outnumber the bad. I have a lot of people who love me. Feeling that the majority of the time is what makes everything I’m doing worth it. I’ll do what I need to do to maintain some balance, but I’m going to live my life at full intensity. I’m going to enjoy the happy times and cry during the bad times for the rest of my life because I don’t want to be numb and bored when it ends.

Since I've Been Gone

I know I haven’t blogged in quite a while. Life has been busier than normal. I haven’t had a lot of time or motivation for writing.

My Partner found a lump in my left breast in early September. That means I had to have a mammogram. Welcome to womanhood. With estrogen comes an increased risk of breast cancer. It’s always a good idea to examine your breasts periodically, or have someone else do it. I do not have health insurance, as my business is a one woman operation. No employers. No employees. I went to Planned Parenthood to have them look at it. I think a lot of people don’t realize they do cancer screenings and such. It isn’t a free abortion store. They provide other health care services. The doctor gave me a prescription for the mammogram along with a coupon from Project Woman so it would be free. You actually need a prescription for that, like you would for pain medication or hormones.

The mammogram happened about a week later, and I had to wait close to another week for the results. The process itself is rather uncomfortable. Basically what they do is squish your tits with a machine and take an x-ray. My breasts are pretty small, so it was that much more difficult. Thankfully, the results came up negative for cancer. It was benign calcium deposits. They’re harmless and require no further action other than getting another mammogram in 6 months.

Family life and work have also taken up a lot of my time. Since I work from home and set my own hours, I walk the kids to school in the morning, and back home in the afternoon. The school is one block from the house, so no need to drive them. Most nights I cook for them and my Partner. That’s probably my favorite thing to do for them. We eat healthy food. I never thought I’d become as domestic as I have, but I enjoy it.

I also went through a depression spell recently. I have bipolar 2, and go through cycles sometimes. I take medication for this, but of course no medication is perfect. I’m usually not that open about this, but it is a part of who I am. Most of the time I feel just fine, but occasionally I do get depressed despite the fact that my life is great. Thankfully I have a great support system. My Partner has similar issues, and is very understanding. She listens if I need to talk, holds me, and generally sort of pampers me. We’ll just hang out around the house and play video games or watch movies. This cheers me up some, or at the very least, makes the depression much more tolerable. However negative my mood might be, I know I’m loved. That makes all the difference.

Hopefully, at this point, I’ll blog a bit more frequently. Life got more chaotic than normal for a while there. With help from my Partner and a few great friends, I got through it. I’m lucky in a way. Not everyone has a social support system like mine.