Chat: Love in the Time of Covid and Life Post-Trauma (Sorry, We Mean Trump)

In which Brittany and Angela discuss a partner coming out, love lives and polyamory during the pandemic, life after Trump and personal trauma, and whether we will ever be able to relax again. 

Angela: Brittany! What have you been up to!

Brittany: Not much thanks to covid. I am seeing a friend next week who I haven't seen since like the late 90s though.

Angela: Oh cool! Yeah, Covid's definitely put a damper on our adventures. Is this friend in town?

Brittany: Yeah. She moved away a long time ago, then came back. Then something went wrong with that plan, so she's moving to Vegas later this month.

Angela: So it's kind of a bon voyage get together

Brittany: Oh, btw, Trisha and Kai finally got approved for that poly geek group. Then Trisha invited me, and I STILL didn't get the notification. When I just went to the group page, it gave the option to cancel request or answer questions. So the invite went through without telling me. Failbook.

Angela: Lmao, ugh, wtf. 😂

Brittany: Yeah, though if I visit my sister again, that's a good city for her to move to.

But yeah, there's an update. Kai came out as nonbinary to us, then a bit later on FB.

Angela: I know, that's so great! Have they come out at work? You two work at the same place still, right?

Brittany: They came out at work. We both work at nonprofits doing similar work, but not the same one.

Angela: Oh ok, idk why I thought it was the same place. Are they supportive? Kai's job, I mean? 

Brittany: Yeah. I think these nonprofit mental health organizations are probably easier than a lot of establishments when it comes to such things.

Angela: Probably true. 

Brittany: My work has a couple non-gendered bathrooms. Kai's does too. Just asked. They said hi. Though not many people go in now since it's pretty much all telehealth.

Angela: Is Kai changing their name legally? Just curious what all their coming out entails on a semantics level.

Brittany: They intend to change the name legally at some point after the pandemic.

Angela: Ah, yep. Covid.

Brittany: Yeah. Getting real tired of it.

Angela: Everyone is.

Brittany: Though I guess I learned something useful as a result of it. I'm not, in fact, well suited for virtual dating. Kind of sucks that I had to break up with someone in the process of learning that though.

Angela: Lol, that hits on what I was just about to ask you - how Covid has impacted your dating life. But yeah, I know that was rough. 😔

Brittany: Other than about 5 months dating her, I haven't really dated at all during all this.

Angela: Have Trish or Kai been seeing anyone else?

Brittany: Kai was seeing a man until fairly recently. Trisha rarely has the patience for dating anyone new.

Angela: I feel Trish's pain. Though... I'm a bit more keen than I used to be. This whole poly thing is new for me, but I'm slowly starting to dip my toe out there.

Brittany: Which I guess is sort of where I am at the moment. I'm not ready to deal with all the initial feelings and anxiety of new relationships again right now. When I am, it'll have to be someone local.

Angela: Local is definitely better. Easier.

Brittany: Yeah. My primary love language is definitely physical touch.

Angela: The really great thing about your life currently is that you live with both your partners, so Covid didn't have to come between you guys. I know a lot of poly folks are having a hard time seeing their non-live-in partners.

Mine is words of affirmation, but touch is definitely my secondary.

Brittany: I'm definitely grateful for our arrangement being what it is. Even though we all got covid anyway, seemingly from Kai's boyfriend at the time.

Angela: I'm glad I met my primary/nesting partner before it all went into lockdown. But, crap, wtf?? Dumb boys, always messing shit up. 😂

Brittany: Lol. No one was mad at him. It's not like he was willfully careless.

Angela: We've been lucky. I've taken, I think, 4 Covid tests due to possible exposure and some a couple of bouts of likely allergy-induced sniffles over the course of this thing. So far, all negative. 

And lol, I know, I get it. I was just teasing. 😊

All my scares but one came from work. Because we worked from home for like a month and then came back to the office when our numbers were higher than ever. It made no sense.

Brittany: Somehow my dad didn't get it even though he's here regularly.

Angela: Oh man, I'm glad your dad dodged that. How old-ish is he?

Brittany: About to turn 72. Now he's vaccinated.

Angela: That's good. My 70-something boss got his 2nd shot like a week ago.

Brittany: One of the doctors where I work got it. He's like 78 and looks like Bernie Sanders, so I just call him Dr. Bernie.

Angela: LOL! But, omg, have we chatted since the election? I feel like we haven't... 🤔

Brittany: I don't think we have other than some random messages.

Angela: I think you're right. Lol, maybe we should call these our semi-quaterly chats. 😅

Brittany: Lol. Like we do these that often at most, and I might actually get a blog posted once or twice in a year.

Angela: Exactly. And I keep promising to contribute with my own posts but never get around to them. Uuuuuugh. 🙄

Dear friends and readers, we're old and have lives and we're sort of sorry. 😂

Brittany: And I get easily distracted by the steady supply of weed and pussy.

Angela: Interesting. Because I am likewise distracted by a steady supply of weed and dick! Huh... how parallel our lives have become... 🤔

And work and school and kids, of course. 😂

Brittany: Yeah. I was actually surprised when you went poly.

Angela: I know. The not-100%-consensual stuff I was dragged into with my ex opened me up to some things. That and honestly you and my bff, Sarah, giving me good examples of how this can be done in a positive, healthy way have done a LOT to make this make sense for me.

Brittany: Glad we could be helpful in that way.

Angela: I was already swinging with the ex, so when I left that shitshow and got together with my current bf, he's poly so I was like... ok, I think I can work this. 😅

Brittany: Your abusive ex unfriended me after you broke up. I cried for days. JKJK fuck him.

Angela: 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

SAD.

Brittany: Smart on his end. I'll totally start shit with people like him when I find them on my list.

Angela: That actually would have been hilarious to witness! But I gotta tell ya, being able to explore my own sexuality and relationships on my own terms now is... it's fucking amazing, actually.

Brittany: Yeah. I'm glad you found the guy you're with now.

Angela: Girl, you have no idea. Samesies. 😊Now I just wish it hadn't taken until I was in my fucking 40s to finally have a peaceful, healthy relationship. 😑But I guess that's what us traumatized bitches go through before we realize what's up. Le sigh.

You found Trish in your 30s, right? And then Kai.

Brittany: I've been with Trisha since I was 34. Honestly, I count her as my first properly healthy relationship. Our 5th anniversary with Kai is May 6.

Angela: Yeah, that's what I was thinking for you, too. Y'all are so great. 😊

But, current affairs! How do you feel about Biden now he's been in office for like 2 months? Lol

Brittany: I like him more than I thought I would. Definitely a difference between old Joe and current Joe.

Angela: I agree. He may not be as leftist as I want but he is still supporting policies which are way more progressive than I expected.

Brittany: Nothing about America is a left as I want, but it's a nice change not being pissed off at a president literally every day.

Angela: Ugh. Yes. I was so tired. Hell, I still am! 

Brittany: Glad they got that relief plan through though. A lot of people need it, and for us it's extra fun money.

Angela: Gods yes. Bernie had sort of an informal poll on FB asking people what an extra $1k a month would do for them. I'm like, goddammit, Bernie, you are such a fucking mensch but this will never pass. UBI, the pipe dream of leftists everywhere. 😭

Brittany: Guess I didn't see that poll, though it likely would've been responded to mostly by supporters who follow him. I'd be curious what the real numbers would be on a larger poll.

Angela: Oh, me, too. And yeah, you'd have to follow his page to see it. Or I could tag you in it if I can find it again. I think he was just trying to gather info and see how people responded to it. You know Repubs would never in a zillion years go for it. And a lot of centrists would balk, too.

Brittany: Probably so. Still laughing at the people who thought Trump was going to be inaugurated 3 days ago. 🤣

Angela: Lol, right??? I don't even know wtf is wrong with these morons. Like... what did they put in that Koolaid??

Brittany: I don't either. Like people with a big following make shit up for clicks and these fuckwits eat it up.

Angela: I know. It's sad. But also pretty disgusting when you think about how much hate you have to have in your heart to fervently follow this stuff.

Brittany: Yeah. Even my far right sister doesn't get into these conspiracy theories because at least she isn't an idiot.

Angela: Right. Though, that has to put a bit of a rift between you and her.

Brittany: We don't follow each other here or talk often. That might be part of it, but we've never been super close.

Angela: Yeah, I get that.

I'm just glad he's gone. Trump, that is

Brittany: Sort of. The right wingers still love him though.

Angela: I know. It's gonna be a long time before we, as a nation, get over all of that. If we ever do.

Brittany: Like Reagan wasn't bad enough? They had to one up themselves?

Angela: Yep. And did they ever. And what's bad, is, as much as I'm relieved that Biden won, I'm already worried about what the next election will look like. I think I've just been so stressed and high strung for the past 4 years, idk how to relax into this.

Brittany: Yeah. And their hero can theoretically run again.

Angela: I know. Ugh. Idk why they haven't pressed charges against him yet, now that he's out of office. Throwing him in prison would solve that whole issue.

Brittany: That won't actually happen. And I don't say much about that happening since I'm really not here for the prison industrial complex in general.

Angela: No, I hear you. I know they're too scared of what will happen if they do. His followers are admittedly pretty violent.

I don't like our prison system, either.

Brittany: Yeah. Cheers to them not being smart enough to stage a successful coup though.

Angela: You got that right. *raises glass*

Brittany: Sometimes I wonder what the first woman I dated as a woman thinks these days. She seemed to start leaning right not long after we dated. I'm not seeking her out to ask, though. That one liked to drink my money and tell me everything that was wrong with me.

Angela: Yikes! Wtf???

Brittany: I don't bring her up a lot, but your recent relationship reminds of her, and I can see her getting sucked into all this weirdo right wing nonsense.

Angela: I will never understand the rightwing mindset. I've tried. But it all just comes down to state-sanctioned cruelty to me.

Ugh, gross. Glad that ended before it could get too fucked up. 😐

Brittany: Same. Almost 10 years ago now. Still causes lingering trust issues for me. Man, I've been on hormones a long time.

Angela: I'm pretty much Team Trish forever (as long as you're still happy, anyway).

Brittany: I don't see our relationship with each other or Kai ending any time soon.

Angela: Good. 😊

Well, girl, I better get off here. I got a hungry 5 yo to feed and I gotta get to the store for pet food, too.

Brittany: Ok, well, enjoy the rest of your night. 

Angela: Will do! You, too, hon!

Trans Day of Remembrance 2020: The List

Well, here we are again. Today is Transgender Day of Remembrance (TDOR) when we remember and mourn the loss of every transgender or gender non-conforming person who was murdered or otherwise died by violence throughout the past year. The list (U.S. only) includes December 2019 dates since TDOR is November 20th. This list is not 100% complete, however, due to media and authorities continuing to misgender victims when they can no longer speak for themselves.

2020 has been awful in every way and the violence against trans folx this year is no exception. There were 20-something names on last year's list; there are 40 today. As usual, the vast majority on this list are Trans WOC.

Friends, we need to do more to raise awareness and fight this hate. Protect your friends and yourselves as best you can. Brittany and I only hope things are better next year, under a President who doesn't incite violence and target trans rights in some awful, bigoted way of appeasing the religious right. This climate of animosity has made things markedly worse for the queer community. 

Rest in power, you beautiful brave souls. 

#NikkiKuhnhausen, 17, Larch Mountain, Oregon, 12-7-19

#AngelRoseGarcia, 21, Hyattsville, Maryland, 12-10-19

#AliceCarter, 35, Washington, D. C., 12-18-19

#YahiraNesby, 33, Brooklyn, New York, 12-19-19

#MiaPenny, 26, Washington, D.C, 12-29-19

#DustinParker, 25, McAlester, Oklahoma, 1-1-20

#NeulisaAlexaLucianaRuiz, 29, Toa Baja, Puerto Rico, 2-24-20

#YampiMendezArocho, 19, Moca, Puerto Rico, 3-5-20

#Monika Diamond, 34, Charlotte, North Carolina, 3-18-20

#Lexi, 33, Harlem, New York, 3-28-20

#JohannaMetzger, Baltimore, Maryland, 4-11-20

#PenelopeDiazRamirez, Puerto Rico, 4-13-20

#SerenaAngeliqueVelazquezRamos, 32, Puerto Rico, 4-21-20

#LaylaPelaezSanchez, 21, Puerto Rico, 4-21-20

#NinaPop, Sikeston, Missouri, 5-3-20

#HelleJaeORegan, 20, San Antonio, Texas, 5-6-20

#JayneThompson, 33, Mesa County, Colorado, 5-9-20

#TonyMcDade, Tallhassee, Florida, 5-27-20

#SelenaReyesHernandez, 37, Chicago, Illinois, 5-31-20

#DominiqueFells, Philadelphia, Pennsyania, 6-9-20

#RiahMilton, 25, Liberty Township, Ohio, 6-9-20

#BrianPowers, 43, Akron, Ohio, 6-13-20

#BraylaStone, 17, Little Rock, Arkansas, 6-25-20

#MerciMack, 22, Dallas, Texas, 6-30-20

#ShakiPeters, 32, Amite CIty, Louisiana, 7-1-20

#BreeBlack, 27, Pompano Beach, Florida, 7-3-20

#SummerTaylor, Seattle, Washington, 7-4-20

#MarilynCazares, 22, Brawley, California

#QueashaDHardy, 22, Baton Rouge, Louisiana, 7-27-20

#DiorHOva (Tiffany Harris), Bronx, New York, 7-28-20

#AjaRaquellRhoneSpears, Portland, Oregon, 7-28-20

#KeeSam, Lafeyette, Louisiana, 8-12-20

#AerrionBurnett, Indepedence, Missouri, 9-19-20

#MiaGreen, 29, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, 9-28-20

#MichelleMichellynRamosVargas, mid 30s, San German, Puerto Rico, 9-30-20

#FelycyaHarris, 33, Augusta, Georgia, 10-6-20

#BrooklynDeshuna, 20, Shreveport, Louisiana, 10-7-20

#SaraBlackwood, 39, Indianapolis, Indiana, 10-11-20

#AngelUnique (Angel Haynes), 25, Memphis, Tennessee, 11-1-20

#YuniCareyHerrera, 39, Miami, Florida, 11-17-20

2020 Is Terrible Except When It Isn't

 Sorry I haven't blogged in over a year. Your mom was here.

Just kidding. She wasn't here because of the goddamn coronavirus. Most of this year has been bizarre to watch and experience. I correctly figured in the event of a crisis, there would be a lack of any effective leadership, which would intensify and prolong the crisis. And here we are winning the global pandemic game day after day, month after month in a country full of so many entitled, idiotic people that we're finding ourselves in the midst of the dumbest culture war imaginable; pro-mask versus anti-mask. Instead of speaking up against and making an effort to actually do something about, say, racial, economic, and environmental injustice, the loudest people are crying a river over the thought of wearing masks in public to slow down community spread of a potentially deadly virus. You can really see the privilege showing when a bunch of white guys can't deal with being told to wear a mask. Too much body policing for those who have been policing everyone else's bodies since fucking forever, I guess. Poor guys. That must be hard. #ThoughtsAndPrayers. There is no functional national leadership, as Trump is at best of average intelligence, and only actually cares about his position of power and that of the corrupt individuals he surrounds himself with.

Not that corruption in capitalism and government is a new thing. It's just more blatant right now. Collectively speaking, we deserve this shit. We abuse this planet for profit as if we have a backup planet to abuse, which we do not (FYI). We abuse each other for stupid reasons, greed and bigotry being among the most common of those reasons, hence the need for the Black Lives Matter movement.

I know I'm among many when I point out that watching everything crumble around me has a negative impact on my mental health. I'm prone to depression anyway. I always have been, but it's been a more frequent struggle lately. Seeing an increase in senseless tragedy takes it's toll. Social media makes it worse, so I'm taking a break from that. This may be posted during that break (though maybe after if it sits here unfinished for a week or something before I complete it), but most likely it'll be linked by AV on the Becoming Brittany Facebook page, since she's better at adding little comments and engaging with our little handful of followers. It's definitely taking a toll on most of my clients as well. Quarantine and endlessly seeing clients online instead of in person is a problem for me. I miss my office, but I have some level of privilege being able to keep my job and salary intact, and simply changing the logistics of how I work. Some people I know have lost their jobs entirely. Some have lost tons of money because they had to shut down their businesses for a while. Some opened back up sooner than they would have preferred because they need to eat and pay the rent/mortgage. Hopefully none get sick and die. No one I know has gotten sick and failed to recover so far, but many people I don't know have. But hey. fOr ThE eCoNoMy!! 

For me personally, it's been a mix of good and bad, but depression and boredom with quarantine aside, at least I have a great family to be quarantined with. Odds are very low that any of us is going to go full on The Shining on the others. I've even met someone new romantically. Not really "new." We've been Facebook friends for something like 8 or 9 years, which is close the entire existence of my account. Mostly I'm too nervous and inclined to believe I'm undesirable (thanks to feeling like I'm "raped goods" and generally feeling like I'll never be woman enough)  to even tell people I'm into them without prior knowledge of them being into me, but she posted something, and I was feeling more courageous or something that day. It turns out there is a  mutual attraction and we're both polyamorous. Long distance dating and video dating (we live several hours apart) are totally new to me, but it seemed a good time to consider trying. The relationship is still in it's early stages of development, but I'm glad I brought up the nearly decade old crush in a Facebook comment. My insecurities and abandonment issues (which I'm not going into on a post that's really only meant to provide an update on my life with a little commentary on current events) are making themselves known, as they often do during the early stages, but she seems to have the patience for it. It's a rare treat that I find someone who is a good fit for me intellectually, morally, personality-wise, AND can deal with my neurotic bullshit. And she's pretty cute too. She's also a published poet, which I think is awesome. Her book is here. I'll include a photo of a poem she sent me in the mail because I like it. Of course any new relationship comes with a certain amount of uncertainty, which so NOT something I'm super adept at dealing with, but I think it's going well so far. I hope to visit soon since it's only a few hours from here to there, an area that hasn't been hit too hard by the Covid. 

This year has forced me to do some in-depth self examination/improvement, if nothing else, because it's either do that or give up and finally break down irreparably. With any luck, maybe I can reach the other side of this more confident, less distrustful, and better at communicating openly and vulnerably with those around me. As it is, I have a hard time understanding why it is exactly that those who care for me actually do. I find it hard to ask, but whatever those reasons may be for different people, they help me navigate my messy mind when I actually open up to them.

This entry almost feels out of place here. Normally I try to keep it pretty focused on the trans and queer aspects of my life, or at least connect that to what I'm writing about. Then again, I mentioned dating, and any mention of dating from me is always queer because I'm lesbian as fuck. I'd promise to write more frequently, but 2020 is a major distraction. I'll write when I get to it, which should happen eventually. That could easily be in 2021, but hey. Maybe I'll be a more improved version of myself then. If society could improve at least somewhat collectively, that would be rad as fuck. I'm not holding my breath though. We'll see.

Remember, Black Lives Matter and dump Trump in November. 

Chat: Privilege, Politics, and Some Handy Memes for Snowflakes! ❄️

In which Brittany and Angela discuss life stuff, random FB messages from strangers, political daydreams, and how to define privilege for the privileged. 

Angela: So, what's been going on with you?

Brittany: Not too much today. Charity had her first date Friday, which apparently went pretty well. The rest of us had sushi that night because Kiara was like "I don't have a date. We should get sushi." Flawless logic, obviously.

What's been going on with you?

Angela: Lol! I like how that kid thinks.

Me, just doing the working mom going to school shuffle. I'm done with my 8 week course, though, and so I just have to focus on English Comp for the rest of the semester.

Brittany: Yeah. Political science, right?

Angela: Yes. Thinking of maybe double majoring in environmental science. Because I'm apparently insane.

Brittany: Double majors are a lot of work, but that fits you.

Angela: Yeah... I'm both excited by the prospect and terrified. Lol

But didn't you and your gals just go on a trip somewhere?

Brittany: We went to Austin City Limits. Just Trisha, Michelle, and I. The girls stay at their dad's when we do that. It was fun, but also sort of exhausting as usual. Got to see The Cure, and a bunch of other bands.

Angela: Fun! Was it just the weekend?

Brittany: 10 days, with the weekend being at the end. Between ACL and having teenagers, I'm actually pretty current on new music too. And they have a feminist book store out there, so that's where I bought the Tegan and Sara book and a few others.

Angela: Oh, that's neat. Austin is fantastic.

Brittany: Trisha and I started going in 2012, early in our relationship. Now Michelle goes too. Sort of a tradition every October now. Early October, sometimes the last couple days of September since we do more than the weekend. Tegan and Sara actually played that year.

Angela: I know they're one of your favorite bands. I saw your informal review of their book. Made me want to read it. 😊

Brittany: They have been for a long time. Did you order it?

Angela: No, not yet. But it's on the list

Brittany: I keep a list on the computer. Like my Netflix list, it's totally out of control now, and I'll definitely never complete it.

Angela: Lol, yes. There are so many things people say, "You haven't read/watched that yet??" Like, dude, we have the entire internet at our fingertips. There is too much stuff to get to. I can't experience it all.

Brittany (being random): LMAO. So one message from some random dude got through. So I decided to look at message request, and there a few more messages from dudes, and one from a couple.

Angela (recalibrating for random subject change): I assume these are all people you don't know?

Brittany: Look at your message requests. Then go to the filtered ones. You might find a ton of useless messages. And yeah. No mutual friends or anything. At least FB filters most of them.

Angela: That's effing weird. What do they want from you?

Brittany: It's all like "Hey" and being waved at, and other insanely creative things from people who have the conversational skills of, I don't know, a fucking brick or something.

Angela: Amazing. I'm scared to look at mine. I might die of boredom.

Brittany: Most of them are old, but the one that got me interested in looking was from today.

Angela: The one that just said, "Hey?"

Brittany: Yeah. But I know what it means when a man says "hey" to some random woman on the internet. It's just like, this isn't Tinder, bitches. Then again, I guess FB has a dating thing now.

Angela: Idk anyone who uses the FB dating thing. Lol

Brittany: I don't think I do either.

Angela: Poor Zuckerberg. I bet he's sad.

Brittany: Yeah. And Elizabeth Warren is so mean to him. I hope he has the inner strength to persevere.

Angela: Right?? AOC was pretty brutal, too.

Brittany: Yeah. I watched that one. I hope she makes it to president someday.

Angela: Same. (she says wistfully)

Brittany: For now, I waver a little between Sanders and Warren, but generally favor Warren.

If she wins, I get to be like "LOL 'Pocahontas' beat your ass, you dumb cheese covered cracker motherfucker."

Like I really need that to happen or I'll be sad.

Angela: Lol, right? I don't blame you. I especially want to see her publicly use the word "motherfucker." The headline would read: "Liz Gets Real" 😂

I saw a pretty convincing article from Time proposing they team up in the same ticket and I got all excited.

Brittany: I read that article when I saw you posted it. I'd love that ticket.

Angela: I really and truly believe if they teamed up they would be unstoppable.

Between her supporters and his, we'd have the election in the bag.

Brittany: That would be the ticket I'd be more excited about than any I've seen in 2 decades and change of voting.

Angela: Fact, same. I hope they're listening. I can't imagine who either of them could pick for VP that would make a better ticket than this. Or even as good.

Brittany: I mean, I don't hate Biden or anything. He's not a shitty person. Getting high with him and joking about how we can't remember shit would probably be fun, but I don't want a centrist for prez.

Angela: Lmfao! I kind of miss the days when he was just an adorable meme.

Brittany: The Obama/Biden memes were fucking hilarious.

Angela: Yep. Some of my very favorite of all time. 😂

And, you know, I was about to say we should get back to a trans-focused topic, but who am I kidding? Politics is, unfortunately, very important for trans rights. Both Bernie and Elizabeth want to abolish ICE, for starters.

Why ICE is bad and should be abolished, Exhibit A:

https://www.buzzfeednews.com/article/adolfoflores/ice-surveillance-video-transgender-asylum-seeker?fbclid=IwAR23KYtRnIHkEZjHetuI4aWzk9MRPQ1OXLmZP4mhv-04ElggKENyAWIWric

Brittany: I guess so. At the end of the day, I want Trump out, and will vote accordingly. Clearly he's elevated beyond his level to function, and it fucking shows.

Yeah. I'm on board for abolishing ICE.

I found this meme on a friend's page. It's pretty accurate.

Angela: Ha! That's perfect. Trump's incompetent. And he has Pence directing his LGBTQ+ policies

Brittany: But there's no mystery surrounding what dumbass put him up there. Electoral college, obvi.

Angela: Right, sigh, I'd like to abolish that, too.

Brittany: Same.

Angela: The Elecoral College has really just become the Conservative Election Crutch.

Seems to be the only way they can win anymore.

Brittany: Right. They never evolved beyond their antiquated social attitudes, for one thing. There aren't that many GT Bynums so far. Without the EC, I imagine the party would effectively die outside of the local level.

Angela: Yep. And then we'd just have the Moderate (aka Centrist) Democrats and the Progressives. That is a 2 party situation I could deal with. Like, everyone agrees that everyone should all have the same civil rights, but we just disagree on economics, really. Centrist Dems are the hard core capitalists (what used to be called "fiscal conservatives") that want to ease everyone into slow, incremental change, and the progressives are all, "fuck that, people need this shit now." Check your box. 😂

Brittany: I'm tired of slow, incremental change. I'm too fucking old for this slow crawl I've been watching my whole life.

Angela: Yuuuuup. But that's what a lot of super privileged folks don't get. When you are being adversely affected by certain societal issues, incrementalism feels like nothing happening at all. You're still suffering. What change? Incrementalism only makes sense to someone who doesn't understand that suffering. In other words, it's a lack of empathy. 😕

Brittany: Yeah. That can be hard to explain to some people. You tell them being cis, het, and white makes their lives easier, and the tears just start flowing.

Angela: Haha, yes! It's so frustrating. Like, no one is saying you don't experience stuff that sucks. We're just saying marginalized people experience all the sucky things that you do in addition to all the sucky things they have to experience because they are marginalized.

Brittany: And they call us "snowflakes." LOL

And one more for shits and giggles. 

*Disclaimer: The "staff" of Becoming Brittany did not create nor do they own any rights to the memes posted here. We just think they're rad. Feel free to grab* and share freely. 

* The memes. We mean grab the memes, not people... unless they give consent. Thank you.

Bitches Be Cray

LOL. I'm bitches. If the title made you think I was going to throw a bunch of shade, and that excited you, I'm so very sorry.

I haven't been super open about my mental health issues in recent memory, in part because I'm currently a trauma therapist who spends her days helping other people with their mental health issues, especially trauma related issues. And maybe, at least in the context of my career choice, I get into this bullshit line of thinking that it makes me weak or a less skilled therapist, even though I actually fucking know better. If anything, maybe I should be more open about my experience as a mental health professional and someone who has mental health issues. It's actually not that uncommon for therapists to see therapists.


I'm diagnosed with Bipolar Type 2, PTSD (a product of being a rape survivor in my case), and Generalized Anxiety, for which I take prescription medication. I'm also a survivor of my own suicide attempt (June of 2010). I sometimes get referred to as "high functioning" because my symptoms are usually well managed, and I can generally do what I need to do in my life without obvious impairment, but I personally hate that term. The opposite of that would be "low functioning," which you can't say without sounding insulting. I also don't like the implied value judgments. If I can be productive, which is pretty over-valued in this capitalist society, what are "low functioning" people, like some of my clients, who are on government benefits and/or being supported of by people who love them? Useless fucking garbage? If that's how you see it, you're an ableist prick, but congratulations! You can unlearn that if you want to, and not be an ableist prick for life. Not all disabilities are visible, but they are all valid. I don't want to be your inspiration porn, and I don't want people with more obvious impairment to be further stigmatized because you think they're "lazy," "dangerous," or "faking it" to game the system. I am inherently no better than the person on disability because their struggles with schizophrenia make it impossible to hold down a job.



Recently, I decided to check myself into inpatient psychiatric care because my depression and anxiety were getting so bad and dragging on for so long, I was bordering on suicidal, and realized my drugs weren't working properly anymore. I guess I wasn't "high functioning" then, huh? The meds have since been readjusted. Fortunately, I have a pretty decent amount of sick time, and good insurance. As is pretty typical for most people, my stay was a few days. The idea is to get people out of crisis, stabilized on any medication, and ready to go back into the world and cope. Mostly it's boring, but there are therapy groups and doctors.


Fortunately, I have a pretty great support system with my partners, family, and friends. That isn't something everyone has. My partners always have my back, and came to visit every day. I also felt really loved, and I sort of forget I'm loved sometimes, by them and by the friends who sent me messages, texts, and snail mail. I actually decided to put things like that in a visible place. Maybe it'll help me remember.


Self care is also a must. That's a good idea if you don't have mental health issues too, but that much more crucial if you do. I have to make an effort to stay on top of that and not feel selfish for it. That looks different for different people, but can be anything that isn't harmful (Getting shitfaced isn't generally something to do as self care). For me, it's taking some time to myself, reading, gaming, gardening, sometimes writing. It can be anything you enjoy that helps you wind down.



Given all the stigma still surrounding mental illness, it's no wonder a lot of people don't talk about it, despite how common it actually is. Too many people still think those suffering from mental illness are violent, abusive, dangerous people. The reality is people suffering from these issues are far more likely to be on the receiving end of violence than be the ones committing violent acts. Everyone on the right AND the left loves to cry mental illness when some piece of shit goes on a shooting spree, but I rarely hear an actual, official diagnosis. The primary issue isn't "mental illness," and it isn't simply the existence of guns, either. The issue is toxic masculinity and who has easy access to guns. Maybe you've noticed the rarity of female shooters? Women aren't immune to mental illness, yet it almost never happens. Most of these men also tend to have known histories of misogyny, bigotry, and often domestic violence. Being a sexist, abusive pig isn't a mental illness in and of itself. It's a fucking character flaw. Domestic abusers shouldn't have easy access to guns. As a culture, we also need to stop raising our boys to bottle up their emotions until some of them inevitably pop, all because they're being told any expression of emotion other than anger is a sign of weakness.



This political climate certainly doesn't help matters, with me or anyone who sees it for what it is. To say having a shitty government directly causes mental illness on it's own would be a little ridiculous, but watching the world burn in this dumpster fire can certainly exacerbate any issues, and trauma can and does certainly happen in a climate where gun violence, racist violence, rampant hate speech, and climate change related catastrophes are on the rise. If seeing children in cages in the concentration camps at the border doesn't horrify you, you're probably a shitty person. If you personally have children of your own, and it still doesn't horrify you, my best guess is you're a psychopath, but I'm not here to diagnose my followers. Watching the aspiring dictator and his administration alienate us from the whole world (accept other dictators, who he seems extremely comfortable with) and anyone who doesn't look like their ideal version of America, fuck over LGBTQ+ people every chance they get, fuck over poor people every chance they get, strip environmental protections as though we have some sort of backup planet to go to, moving to criminalize protests, and constantly gaslighting the whole fucking country while he's at it, it's really no wonder anyone with the ability to empathize might be dealing with increased anxiety and depression right now. It affects me. It affects quite a few people I know. And it affects my clients.


As long as we collectively keep viewing people with mental illness as dangerous, faking it, or useless, it's going to continue to be difficult for people who need help to admit they need help, access that help, and be able to speak their full truths. In some ways, we have to "come out" if we want to speak our truths and be openly our full, authentic selves. It's not so different from coming out as queer or trans, and none of that should be so daunting in a supposedly modern, evolved society, where practically anyone can hop on the internet, spend a little while educating themselves about the experiences of people who are different from them, unlearn the biases they have, maybe even talk to someone they know who is comfortable educating (It's highly unlikely that you DON'T know anyone at all who suffers from a mental health issues, but if you have shitty, uninformed opinions about such things, they might not tell you about it), and stop contributing to the stigma surrounding mental illness and so many other natural variations that exist among humans.


With Love,
Brittany

Pride Month: The Mental Health Chat

Angela:  How have you been doing?

Brittany:  Better in general. You?

Angela:  Well, fighting off another migraine. The excedrin didn't work, so now I'm waiting for the sumatriptan to kick in. It's fun times.

Brittany:  Seems like a lot of people I know get migraines pretty often 😞

Angela:  Idk what it is. Seems to be more common these days, yeah. Especially in women. ... climate change maybe? I know that might sound like a weird stretch, but barometric pressure can affect it and allergens, so... *shrug* I just know it sucks.

Brittany:  Maybe climate change very indirectly, because of the pressure or increase in allergies.

Angela:  Right, that's what I mean. That and increases in stressors because gestures at everything.
I also know a lot more people having breakdowns and having to go on psych meds. Just like within the past year.

Brittany:  Yeah. This president is turning the whole world to shit.

Angela:  Fact. The world is too integrated now for us to keep it contained.

Brittany:  Yeah. I take breaks from the news sometimes, but still, it's not like I forget what's going on.

Angela:  I know. Not like you even could.

Brittany:  Maybe it was a factor in my latest breakdown. I wouldn't say it's a cause in my case since I haven't experienced any directly related trauma so far, but watching all this certainly doesn't help.

Angela:  I think watching and not being able to do anything about it, at least not immediately, can be it's own kind of trauma. That sense of helplessness. Idk. At least that's what gets to me a lot of times.

Brittany:  Same here. And I have a feeling dems are going to fuck this up again, and it's going to be another 4 years of this insanity.

Angela:  I just... I can't imagine we can be that stupid! All we have to effing to is 1. Vote, and 2. Not alienate independents. Like, it can't be that hard! This man is a monster!

Brittany:  I'm still all about Warren, but to be fair, I'd vote Biden over Trump because I'm generally a pragmatist, but a lot of people I know probably wouldn't. But I hope it doesn't come to that. I really want to interrupt the man show in general, but if it's going to be a man, I'd like it to be Sanders.

Angela:  I mean, I'm not gonna vote for Biden in the primaries. But that's what primaries are for. For picking a candidate to represent the party. And I don't understand why he would win that nomination at this point, but if he does, of course I'll vote for him over Trump. I'll vote for a turnip over Trump!

Brittany:  No shit. I see my dogs dump poops in the yard that would make better presidents than Trump.

Angela:  FACT. #DogDumpPoopsForPOTUS2020

Brittany:  I actually have a mental health post mostly written. Figure I might add to it after this, but it's close to done.

Angela:  Oh, great! I haven't gotten back to my rant yet, but I will. Just been all over the place lately. But your post is more in line with what we wanted to focus on this month, anyway, with everything that's been going on. So let's talk about that.

Close friends know you had (popular term) a breakdown a few weeks ago and admitted yourself into the hospital. Do you want to describe what happened? Where you were, mentally, at that time, and why you felt you needed to check yourself in?
(And I know that's a heavy jump-in, but I really feel talking about this stuff is necessary to normalize it, yanno?)

Brittany:  It was more depression than anxiety in that case. Like I would be depressed and seem to get better, but kept getting deeper and deeper into the depression. It got to the point where I was borderline suicidal. I didn't have that intention, but thoughts were enough to tell me I needed more help than what I could get from my personal life or therapist. Depression and anxiety are nothing new to me, but I was on the same meds for years until they weren't enough anymore.

Angela:  Did they do a med change in the hospital?

Brittany:  Yeah. Fortunately it seems to be the right change. Plus they have groups and therapists and such in those places, but mostly it's actually dreadfully boring.

Angela:  Lol. How long were you actually there?

Brittany:  Just under 4 days. It's generally a short term solution meant to get people out of crisis and back to their lives.

Angela:  Right. Did that affect you at all professionally? I know you've had some issues feeling like you should be able to "handle things better" being a therapist yourself. But were there any other issues with you missing work or anything?

Brittany:  Clients had the option of rescheduling or seeing someone else that week. No one at work seems to have an issue, but maybe that's obvious there would be less stigma. It was mostly me feeling like I must be a shitty therapist if I can't even keep myself out of crisis. I know that's bullshit, but still.

Angela:  That makes sense there would be less stigma. And a good thing, too.

Brittany:  Technically I'm diagnosed with Bipolar 2, generalized anxiety, and PTSD. My own issues are why I decided to do what I do (become a therapist), which isn't an unusual motivation.

Angela:  True. I know these kinds of mental health issues are also fairly common in the lgbtq+ community, largely due to social stigmas and discrimination issues people face a lot.

Brittany:  That's true. And we're more likely to to face sexual assault and other types of violence than the general cis het population, so there ends up being more trauma.

Angela:  That's terrifying. :(  And then, because of discrimination and not yet having any federal protections, so many people don't have decent jobs that provide good healthcare, which cuts people off from mental health care, so then these issues just go untreated for years...

Brittany:  Yeah. Places like where I work exist, but there is so much demand that it can take a good 2 weeks between the intake appointment and an appointment with someone like me or the psychiatrist.

Angela:  Right. And, like abortion clinics, they don't exist everywhere. (Though, they are thankfully more prevalent.)

Brittany:  Yeah. Rural areas have less. They're also shittier places in general to be any kind of queer or trans. And watching this administration fuck over our community so much... At least I have a pretty supportive group of people even among my cis het friends and what's left of my bio family, but if you're stuck in some dump of a town where literally everyone supports these politicians, that has to be hard.

Angela:  And, you know, for the record, I'm as pretty boring het cisgendered as you can get and I've got a therapist. Both of my BFFs are on psych meds, one of them (my bi sister) for the first time in her life. Everyone is having a hard time coping. We need to be talking about our mental health, I believe, as readily as we talk about the recent bout of bronchitis I had or your seasonal allergies, etc. I think more people will get help the more we lift the stigma.

Brittany:  Yeah. And fortunately social media is helping the conversation happen, but we still have a long way to go.

Angela:  So true. I also hope that, through spreading awareness, that also will somehow spread access... if that makes sense.

Brittany:  Yeah. It does.

Angela:  Random, but... are you hearing thunder at your place?

Brittany:  Yeah, and it's dark as fuck. I'm fucking tired of this weather. I was always somewhat anxious about severe weather, but it got 10 times worse after having a tornado 3 blocks away, and I still have to see the empty shell of Remington Tower any time I'm in the southern part of my back yard.

Angela:  Jeeezus.


Friends, if you are in crisis and you need help, do not hesitate. Reach out and call someone. Here are some numbers you can call.

Trans Lifeline
877-565-8860

Suicide Hotline
1-800-273-8255

Crisis Text Line
Text CONNECT to 741741

National Sexual Assault Hotline (RAINN)
800-656-4673

Domestic Violence (DVIS)
918-743-5763

Counseling & Recovery Services of Oklahoma
918-492-2254
https://crsok.org/

Happy Post-Mothers' Day, Let's Get Therapy!

In which Brittany and Angela discuss doing nothing on Mothers' Day*, demi-sexuality, weird breakups with a poly support system, and why even therapists need therapy. 

*When there are multiple moms in the house, you know where the apostrophe goes. 

Brittany:  Still chatting today?

Angela:  I can if you can!

Brittany:  That's cool. I'm ignoring social media, but chatting for the blog is different.

Angela:  True. Have you gals done big Mother's Day stuffs?

Brittany:  We did some gifts. We're going out for dinner later, even though it'll be busy. Happy mothers' day, btw.  :)

Angela:  Thank you! Happy Mama's Day to you, too! We took my MIL out for breakfast at Golden Corral, and then we plan on getting Mexican for dinner after hubby gets off work, where I fully intend on having a margarita. Other than that, just chilling and abstaining from housework. 

Brittany:  Yeah. Haven't really done much housework either. Just being lazy for the most part, though I talked to my aunt earlier.

Angela:  Oh, that's nice. For the Quitclaim other connection and all.

Uhh...

Ok, let's try again

For the *mother connection

Wtf autocorrect

Brittany:  Lol. That autocorrect fail is pretty impressive.

Angela:  Right?? And probably could only happen to someone in the legal world who has been known to type "quitclaim deed" on occasion.  #legalasstproblems

Brittany:  I figured you were just messaging someone else, and sent it to the wrong person.

Angela:  Lol, nope.

Brittany:  I've done it. Thankfully nothing overtly sexual has been sent to the wrong person so far.

Angela:  My (female) coworker once accidentally sent a pretty lewd text to another (thankfully female) coworker. It was meant for her boyfriend. She was mortified, but really just relieved it didn't go to her boss. 😂

Brittany:  Lol

Angela:  But, so, your aunt is doing well, I assume?

Brittany:  Yeah. She seems pretty happy in AZ, even though she's from the north like basically everyone I'm related to. She was living in WI until recently.

Angela:  I don't think I could live in the Southwest, but if you like an arid climate and some pretty rad native desert art, it's pretty awesome.

Brittany:  I enjoyed my time out there last year, but wouldn't deal with the summer heat well at all.

Angela:  Right. Me neither. I think I told you about the month I lived in New Mexico when I was pregnant with my first... Worst. Month. Ever.

Brittany:  Yeah. Not the best time and place to be pregnant, I imagine. Though, I feel for anyone with similar timing here, too.

Angela:  Exactly. It was hot, everything felt dusty, all the roofs were flat everywhere (these are the weird things that bother you when you're hormonal, lol), it was hell. 😂

But yeah, Oklahoma summers suck ass, too. And are more humid.

Brittany:  I remember how dusty I felt when I got home. We had gone from NM to here in one day, and it was a lot hotter coming back.

Angela:  Ew

Brittany:  I got all these hugs and such, even though I had to smell terrible though.

Angela:  You know that's love. 😂

When was this?

Brittany:  I got back May something. Maybe the 8th, or right around then.

Angela:  Wait... this past week??

Brittany:  Last year.

Angela:  Oh, lmao. I was so confused!

Brittany:  Maybe I had some history of wandering when my mental state is sketchy, but I think I've outgrown it. I don't like the idea of wandering off from my family either.

Angela:  That's how you know they're your people.

Brittany:  True.

Angela:  Speaking of family, last time we talked, you mentioned being "demi-sexual." I know you had a recent breakup that was pretty hard on you. Do you think it was because of this orientation? And how did that affect your long-term partners?

Brittany:  I think that made it harder than it would've been otherwise. For me, I'm usually not going to sleep with someone unless I feel pretty stable about the connection. Wasn't feeling sexual at all for a while after that, but Trisha and Michelle understood, even if they were starting to get worried for a bit since me not being sexual with them is generally unusual.

Angela:  Idk if this is getting too personal, but do you feel like it affected your feelings toward them at all, even if just temporarily?

Brittany:  My trust basically disappeared for a little bit. I kind of struggle with believing people love me when they claim to anyway because I've had some experiences with words and actions not matching up. So it was hard on everyone.

Angela:  Sounds like it. But this, I imagine, is the advantage of a good, healthy poly relationship. They know you well enough, and are secure enough in themselves, to ride this out with you.

Brittany:  Yeah. I'm glad I have them in my life, and that things are as stable as they are.

Angela:  Do you feel like you're still reeling from that breakup?

Brittany:  A little. And today doesn't help. Still getting used to not having a mom on this day, and Cindy is a mom. I figured she'd be around today at some point, but that isn't happening.

Angela:  Ah, yeah, I understand.

Brittany:  I sort of feel things more intensely than most people. That's not helpful at all.

Angela:  Yeah. That makes it hard.

Brittany:  I really thought it going somewhere too, but clearly not.

Angela:  Right. I think, for anyone, it's so much more difficult to process when there didn't seem to be any reason for the breakup, when there didn't seem to be any real problems to blame it on.

That's just human nature, to try to understand why.

Brittany:  I guess I'm getting better, but it just opened a flood gate of all this other bullshit. That isn't her fault, but I'm kind of all over the place emotionally compared to normal.

Angela:  Right. I think that's also normal. As we get older, every new experience relates to past experiences in some way. We can't help but compare things, you know?

Brittany:  Yeah. I had everything so neatly packed away, but maybe I shouldn't do that. Going to call around for a therapist tomorrow, and go that route.

Angela:  That's a good idea. It can never hurt to get some pro perspective.

Brittany:  Yeah. Same thing I tell other people, but not so much myself before.

Angela:  Especially since you have to listen to other people's problems all day. You need some space to talk about and deal with your own.

Brittany:  Yeah. I can talk to Trisha and Michelle about things, and I do, but I think I need to talk to someone who does what I do, and I'm not in any kind of personal relationship with.

Angela:  Right. A totally neutral person. With training.

Brittany:  Yeah.

Angela:  I started seeing a therapist, too. There's just too much to deal with in the world. It's hard to process and respond to things in a healthy way.

Brittany:  Yeah, and it's not unusual for us to see each other, too, so I'm trying to not have hangups about it, or what certain parts of my mind might try to say about what it says about me professionally.

Angela:  Psh, it says you're self aware enough to recognize when you need to get in to see "the doctor" and not let things get out of hand. That means you know what you're doing.

Brittany:  Yeah. That's what the rational part of my mind and other people say, so I just try to listen to that. As opposed to the impostor syndrome part of my mind I deal with frequently.

Angela:  Yeah, I get that. But a surgeon can no more operate on herself as you can objectively counsel yourself. As you know. I get imposter syndrome, too (about writing, my day job, parenting, being a good social/environmental citizen, etc). I think most people do.

Brittany:  Yeah. Maybe not most, but it's common enough. Seems like I've always had a tendency to doubt myself almost as much as I doubt everyone else.

Angela:  It seems to be a pretty common thing with writers, at least. I know that.

Lol, that makes a lot of sense, actually.

Brittany:  Things to talk about with my future therapist lol

Angela:  (simultaneously) So it seems like trust issues are going to be a big topic in your therapy sessions.

Lol!

Brittany:  Yeah. There are a ton of ways to give someone trust issues.

Angela:  I think trust and control are at the base of most psychological issues.

Brittany:  True.

Angela:  Therapy is good, though. But it takes soooo loooooong.

Brittany:  Yeah. Most of my clients are pretty long term, save for court order situations where they just do enough for that, then disappear.

Angela:  Idk if it's like this with everyone, but it seems like it's taken me months just to get down to some real issues.

Brittany:  It varies. Some people know exactly what their issues are, like me, and some are a little more hazy.

I think for me, I just need someone neutral to help me process, and I'm not neutral. Neither is Michelle, obviously.

Angela:  Right, of course. Is Michelle a therapist, too? I think I remember you mentioning something like that.

Brittany:  Yeah. We met in grad school, actually.

Angela:  That's right. I remember now.

Brittany:  People comment about her age compared to mine sometimes, but I'm like "She wasn't the youngest I could've met in a place like grad school though, so whatever."

Angela:  How old is she again? Regardless, she's still a grown-ass woman, so whatever.

Brittany:  She just turned 29 last month.

Angela:  Oh she's almost 30. Y'all are fine. 🙄

Brittany:  Yeah. We'll never be in the same decade, but that's fine. It's not like I'm dating, say, a 19 year old, which would probably be a disaster.

Angela:  Agreed. I am sort of against our age group being with anyone with the word "teen" in their age. And I kind of think, once you hit your 30s, they should probably at least be old enough to drink. 😅

Brittany:  Same. At my age, a 19 year old doesn't look much different from a 15 year old, so it skeeves me out a little when I hear about some middle aged person, usually a man, dating someone who has been adult for 5 minutes, usually a woman.

Like, just buy a red convertible dude.

Angela:  Exactly. Plus, um... my eldest son is 21 now, so yeah...

Lol, right???

You can't emotionally scar a sport car

Brittany:  Yeah. Though my dad is 70, and has a car like that. I remember him saying "AOC is interesting to look at" but that he doesn't like her when he was probably drunk on his birthday. Gross. That's when I left lol

Angela:  Lol, yeah ew.

Brittany:  That's 51 years. 41. I like to think it was just the booze talking since he's never said that in front of me before, but who knows.

Angela:  That's way too many years. 😳

Brittany:  Yeah. We're 41 right now.

Angela:  Exactly. AOC is in her 20s.

Brittany:  29. We watched Knock Down the House on Netflix last night, so I remember specifically from that.

Angela:  That's right. I want to be her when I grow up.

Brittany:  I don't think I could tolerate being in politics, let alone running for election.

Angela:  Well, ok, I don't want to do her JOB, but if I could be her with all her energy and education and brains and then just be an activist or something? That would be frackin' cool.

Brittany:  Same. At 29, I wasn't particularly remarkable, or really even stable.

Angela:  Same. I mean... I might have been stable-ish mentally, but I get negative points for horrible taste in men, a terribly overactive savior complex, and lack of personal motivation.

Brittany:  Seems like my taste in men was shitty, too, maybe because I didn't know I was lesbian at the time.

Angela:  Lol, right? You can't really blame yourself for not knowing how to pick good men when you were messing with the entirely wrong demographic. 😂

Brittany:  Yeah. At least I have relatively good taste in women.

Angela:  You seem to have excellent taste there.

Brittany:  I managed to go from 2011 to 2019 without any bad romantic choices. Here's to hopefully more than another 8 years.

Angela:  🥂