Chat: Love in the Time of Covid and Life Post-Trauma (Sorry, We Mean Trump)

In which Brittany and Angela discuss a partner coming out, love lives and polyamory during the pandemic, life after Trump and personal trauma, and whether we will ever be able to relax again. 

Angela: Brittany! What have you been up to!

Brittany: Not much thanks to covid. I am seeing a friend next week who I haven't seen since like the late 90s though.

Angela: Oh cool! Yeah, Covid's definitely put a damper on our adventures. Is this friend in town?

Brittany: Yeah. She moved away a long time ago, then came back. Then something went wrong with that plan, so she's moving to Vegas later this month.

Angela: So it's kind of a bon voyage get together

Brittany: Oh, btw, Trisha and Kai finally got approved for that poly geek group. Then Trisha invited me, and I STILL didn't get the notification. When I just went to the group page, it gave the option to cancel request or answer questions. So the invite went through without telling me. Failbook.

Angela: Lmao, ugh, wtf. 😂

Brittany: Yeah, though if I visit my sister again, that's a good city for her to move to.

But yeah, there's an update. Kai came out as nonbinary to us, then a bit later on FB.

Angela: I know, that's so great! Have they come out at work? You two work at the same place still, right?

Brittany: They came out at work. We both work at nonprofits doing similar work, but not the same one.

Angela: Oh ok, idk why I thought it was the same place. Are they supportive? Kai's job, I mean? 

Brittany: Yeah. I think these nonprofit mental health organizations are probably easier than a lot of establishments when it comes to such things.

Angela: Probably true. 

Brittany: My work has a couple non-gendered bathrooms. Kai's does too. Just asked. They said hi. Though not many people go in now since it's pretty much all telehealth.

Angela: Is Kai changing their name legally? Just curious what all their coming out entails on a semantics level.

Brittany: They intend to change the name legally at some point after the pandemic.

Angela: Ah, yep. Covid.

Brittany: Yeah. Getting real tired of it.

Angela: Everyone is.

Brittany: Though I guess I learned something useful as a result of it. I'm not, in fact, well suited for virtual dating. Kind of sucks that I had to break up with someone in the process of learning that though.

Angela: Lol, that hits on what I was just about to ask you - how Covid has impacted your dating life. But yeah, I know that was rough. 😔

Brittany: Other than about 5 months dating her, I haven't really dated at all during all this.

Angela: Have Trish or Kai been seeing anyone else?

Brittany: Kai was seeing a man until fairly recently. Trisha rarely has the patience for dating anyone new.

Angela: I feel Trish's pain. Though... I'm a bit more keen than I used to be. This whole poly thing is new for me, but I'm slowly starting to dip my toe out there.

Brittany: Which I guess is sort of where I am at the moment. I'm not ready to deal with all the initial feelings and anxiety of new relationships again right now. When I am, it'll have to be someone local.

Angela: Local is definitely better. Easier.

Brittany: Yeah. My primary love language is definitely physical touch.

Angela: The really great thing about your life currently is that you live with both your partners, so Covid didn't have to come between you guys. I know a lot of poly folks are having a hard time seeing their non-live-in partners.

Mine is words of affirmation, but touch is definitely my secondary.

Brittany: I'm definitely grateful for our arrangement being what it is. Even though we all got covid anyway, seemingly from Kai's boyfriend at the time.

Angela: I'm glad I met my primary/nesting partner before it all went into lockdown. But, crap, wtf?? Dumb boys, always messing shit up. 😂

Brittany: Lol. No one was mad at him. It's not like he was willfully careless.

Angela: We've been lucky. I've taken, I think, 4 Covid tests due to possible exposure and some a couple of bouts of likely allergy-induced sniffles over the course of this thing. So far, all negative. 

And lol, I know, I get it. I was just teasing. 😊

All my scares but one came from work. Because we worked from home for like a month and then came back to the office when our numbers were higher than ever. It made no sense.

Brittany: Somehow my dad didn't get it even though he's here regularly.

Angela: Oh man, I'm glad your dad dodged that. How old-ish is he?

Brittany: About to turn 72. Now he's vaccinated.

Angela: That's good. My 70-something boss got his 2nd shot like a week ago.

Brittany: One of the doctors where I work got it. He's like 78 and looks like Bernie Sanders, so I just call him Dr. Bernie.

Angela: LOL! But, omg, have we chatted since the election? I feel like we haven't... 🤔

Brittany: I don't think we have other than some random messages.

Angela: I think you're right. Lol, maybe we should call these our semi-quaterly chats. 😅

Brittany: Lol. Like we do these that often at most, and I might actually get a blog posted once or twice in a year.

Angela: Exactly. And I keep promising to contribute with my own posts but never get around to them. Uuuuuugh. 🙄

Dear friends and readers, we're old and have lives and we're sort of sorry. 😂

Brittany: And I get easily distracted by the steady supply of weed and pussy.

Angela: Interesting. Because I am likewise distracted by a steady supply of weed and dick! Huh... how parallel our lives have become... 🤔

And work and school and kids, of course. 😂

Brittany: Yeah. I was actually surprised when you went poly.

Angela: I know. The not-100%-consensual stuff I was dragged into with my ex opened me up to some things. That and honestly you and my bff, Sarah, giving me good examples of how this can be done in a positive, healthy way have done a LOT to make this make sense for me.

Brittany: Glad we could be helpful in that way.

Angela: I was already swinging with the ex, so when I left that shitshow and got together with my current bf, he's poly so I was like... ok, I think I can work this. 😅

Brittany: Your abusive ex unfriended me after you broke up. I cried for days. JKJK fuck him.

Angela: 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

SAD.

Brittany: Smart on his end. I'll totally start shit with people like him when I find them on my list.

Angela: That actually would have been hilarious to witness! But I gotta tell ya, being able to explore my own sexuality and relationships on my own terms now is... it's fucking amazing, actually.

Brittany: Yeah. I'm glad you found the guy you're with now.

Angela: Girl, you have no idea. Samesies. 😊Now I just wish it hadn't taken until I was in my fucking 40s to finally have a peaceful, healthy relationship. 😑But I guess that's what us traumatized bitches go through before we realize what's up. Le sigh.

You found Trish in your 30s, right? And then Kai.

Brittany: I've been with Trisha since I was 34. Honestly, I count her as my first properly healthy relationship. Our 5th anniversary with Kai is May 6.

Angela: Yeah, that's what I was thinking for you, too. Y'all are so great. 😊

But, current affairs! How do you feel about Biden now he's been in office for like 2 months? Lol

Brittany: I like him more than I thought I would. Definitely a difference between old Joe and current Joe.

Angela: I agree. He may not be as leftist as I want but he is still supporting policies which are way more progressive than I expected.

Brittany: Nothing about America is a left as I want, but it's a nice change not being pissed off at a president literally every day.

Angela: Ugh. Yes. I was so tired. Hell, I still am! 

Brittany: Glad they got that relief plan through though. A lot of people need it, and for us it's extra fun money.

Angela: Gods yes. Bernie had sort of an informal poll on FB asking people what an extra $1k a month would do for them. I'm like, goddammit, Bernie, you are such a fucking mensch but this will never pass. UBI, the pipe dream of leftists everywhere. 😭

Brittany: Guess I didn't see that poll, though it likely would've been responded to mostly by supporters who follow him. I'd be curious what the real numbers would be on a larger poll.

Angela: Oh, me, too. And yeah, you'd have to follow his page to see it. Or I could tag you in it if I can find it again. I think he was just trying to gather info and see how people responded to it. You know Repubs would never in a zillion years go for it. And a lot of centrists would balk, too.

Brittany: Probably so. Still laughing at the people who thought Trump was going to be inaugurated 3 days ago. 🤣

Angela: Lol, right??? I don't even know wtf is wrong with these morons. Like... what did they put in that Koolaid??

Brittany: I don't either. Like people with a big following make shit up for clicks and these fuckwits eat it up.

Angela: I know. It's sad. But also pretty disgusting when you think about how much hate you have to have in your heart to fervently follow this stuff.

Brittany: Yeah. Even my far right sister doesn't get into these conspiracy theories because at least she isn't an idiot.

Angela: Right. Though, that has to put a bit of a rift between you and her.

Brittany: We don't follow each other here or talk often. That might be part of it, but we've never been super close.

Angela: Yeah, I get that.

I'm just glad he's gone. Trump, that is

Brittany: Sort of. The right wingers still love him though.

Angela: I know. It's gonna be a long time before we, as a nation, get over all of that. If we ever do.

Brittany: Like Reagan wasn't bad enough? They had to one up themselves?

Angela: Yep. And did they ever. And what's bad, is, as much as I'm relieved that Biden won, I'm already worried about what the next election will look like. I think I've just been so stressed and high strung for the past 4 years, idk how to relax into this.

Brittany: Yeah. And their hero can theoretically run again.

Angela: I know. Ugh. Idk why they haven't pressed charges against him yet, now that he's out of office. Throwing him in prison would solve that whole issue.

Brittany: That won't actually happen. And I don't say much about that happening since I'm really not here for the prison industrial complex in general.

Angela: No, I hear you. I know they're too scared of what will happen if they do. His followers are admittedly pretty violent.

I don't like our prison system, either.

Brittany: Yeah. Cheers to them not being smart enough to stage a successful coup though.

Angela: You got that right. *raises glass*

Brittany: Sometimes I wonder what the first woman I dated as a woman thinks these days. She seemed to start leaning right not long after we dated. I'm not seeking her out to ask, though. That one liked to drink my money and tell me everything that was wrong with me.

Angela: Yikes! Wtf???

Brittany: I don't bring her up a lot, but your recent relationship reminds of her, and I can see her getting sucked into all this weirdo right wing nonsense.

Angela: I will never understand the rightwing mindset. I've tried. But it all just comes down to state-sanctioned cruelty to me.

Ugh, gross. Glad that ended before it could get too fucked up. 😐

Brittany: Same. Almost 10 years ago now. Still causes lingering trust issues for me. Man, I've been on hormones a long time.

Angela: I'm pretty much Team Trish forever (as long as you're still happy, anyway).

Brittany: I don't see our relationship with each other or Kai ending any time soon.

Angela: Good. 😊

Well, girl, I better get off here. I got a hungry 5 yo to feed and I gotta get to the store for pet food, too.

Brittany: Ok, well, enjoy the rest of your night. 

Angela: Will do! You, too, hon!

The Obligatory Childhood Post

Since you can't talk about shit like a gender transition without people wanting to know about your childhood, here's a little glimpse into mine...

The first memory I have of feeling female, or at least of feeling uncomfortable with my “maleness” was taking P.E. (physical education) in grade school. They typically had classes segregated by sex. I always felt like an outsider hanging around a bunch of boys for an hour. Dodge ball stands out. What a stupid sport anyway. All I learned was how to throw shit at people. It was ALWAYS girls verses boys. There were other occasional “battle of the sexes” activities. From the time we’re barely developed enough to piss on our own, we’re taught that boys and girls are somehow in opposition to each other. If you’re on the wrong team, you’re very aware of this.  Besides feeling like an outsider, I knew I related with the girls. I wanted them to win, even though I had to be on the losing team for that to happen. I kept this to myself as a matter of self preservation, which I’ve always had a knack for.  Most of my friends were girls. At almost 35, most of my friends are still girls. When I had typical childhood fantasies of being a rock star and that sort of thing, I was a girl. I hung out with my sister and her friends a lot, generally being the only boy.

I didn’t really have a complete concept of all this as a kid. I suspect most kids don’t, but I imagine the Internet helps these days. I just knew there was sort of a discrepancy between how I saw myself and how other people saw me. I remember starting to grow a little bit of body hair at about age 11. Then acne came along. A lot of it. It annoyed me to no end. I got bullied in the 6th grade quite a bit. I was too different from the other boys, and the train wreck that was my acne made it worse. Chased around the playground, spit on, etc. I guess it was fairly standard kid bullshit. That only made me feel that much more disconnected from them, since I apparently wasn’t enough of an asshole to be a pre-teenage boy. I wasn’t really one of the girls either, so I basically became a loner. Being left the fuck alone was as good as it got in the 6th grade.

What you learn to do is hide the things that make you a target just under the surface, which I successfully did all the way through school. When all the 1990s Grunge stuff came along, there was my perfect excuse for long hair & long pretty fingernails. I first grew my nails out at age 14 at the request of my first girlfriend. At least it turned out I have perfect nails. I was happy about that. 20 years later, I have yet to go back to having them short.

Even between high school and college, when my friend Shari and I spent a little bit of time sleeping on park benches near Cherry Street, I hated beard shadow. I might not have always cared about shower access, but I made sure to shave each day when whore bathing in the Java Dave’s restroom. She still has the 13 star flag we stole from some balcony because we needed a blanket. That was 15 or 16 years ago. Something like that. I had one of my better hair cuts around that time. My friend Marta was in beauty school. She gave me this angle cut where it was straightened, about to the bottom of my neck in the back, and as you went to the front, about chest-length. That was free. She was in school. Everyone loved it almost as much as I did. I basically presented myself as a feminine, young gay male. Once I went to college, I decided I’d grow the beard out and such, and attempt to be more masculine, but still identified as a gay male. It seemed like a good explanation for everything. I sort of switched back and forth between presenting myself as feminine and as masculine until well past 30 years of age, before I just couldn’t fake it anymore.

You can only hold a balloon underwater for so long. Eventually you’re going to get tired of it and slip. I got tired of it. It’s a lot easier to live my life when I’m not expending most of my energy trying to hold a big part of it underwater. Balloons are no fun under water anyway. Now that I’m above the surface, although there are still struggles, my life is a lot more fun and a lot more full.

My childhood sucked in the social sense (Family situation was fine. I grew up in a reasonably healthy and loving home). That may explain some of my misanthropic and anti-social tendencies. I’m slow to trust. I don’t leave home that much, as I’ve successfully organized almost my entire life within my home. Thankfully, I’m basically past it. It doesn’t torture my soul or anything like that. People seem to love me more than they ever did before. I have more friends than ever. People seem to take an interest in how I’m doing if I fall out of touch. I have my beautiful partner and our beautiful daughters. Life is so much better now that I just put it all on the table and decided to actually LIVE. Fuck those who didn’t like me when I was a child, and fuck those who don’t now. When you just be YOU and live your life, the people who do love you actually love YOU instead of some facade.

Sex, Guns, and the Zombie Apocalypse

Intermission (after the party)

July 25, 2011

Brittany:  Hey. Thanks for coming to the party. Sorry I was as late as I was. Other things were interfering with my original plans to get there at 7.

Kayla:  It's all good. I understand running late for stuff. Happens to me all the time. Especially when you're relying on other people in order to do what you need to do.

Brittany:  It was fun, though. Especially the end when Crystal and I started watching True Blood and had trouble stopping.

Kayla:  Awesome. I think my friend Stefanie got into that show. I never watched it (for no particular reason other than that it just never popped up on my radar).

Brittany:  It had been a while since we had really sat around hanging out like that. We both get busy.

Kayla:  That's cool, to be able to catch up.

Brittany:  Funny though, because we're probably the least likely people at a party to stay up 'til morning like that, yet we were the only ones who did.

Kayla:  You had something worth staying up for.

Brittany:  Only ended up with a few pics, but I'll post them in an album at some point.

Kayla:  Cool.

Brittany:  No one remembered to bring a camera, including me. And with the lighting, we kinda had to use people's iphones to get decent pics.

Kayla:  I know! So stupid! Of all the parties NOT to bring a camera to... we suck. I'm sorry. And yeah, that's true. The lighting was awful for picture taking.

Brittany:  Maybe I'll work up a blog entry about the party and everything later. But I should probably go for now and get things done here.

Kayla:  Yeah, me too. Talk to ya' later.

Sex, Guns, and the Zombie Apocalypse

August 10, 2011

Kayla:  Hi.  How ya' been?

Brittany:  Good I guess. Busy mostly.

Kayla:  Busy with what? (just curious)

Brittany:  Mostly working.  I've been working on voice stuff and I'm starting to see at least a little progress.

Kayla:  Are the voice lessons hard?

Brittany:  Not really. It's mostly just a slow process--practice, etc.

Kayla:  Is it changing your voice in your day-to-day life (like, when you're not trying) yet?

Brittany:  No. Still takes more effort than that. If I tried it all day, I'd probably wear it down so it's kind of an at home thing right now.

Kayla:  It does seem like it'd be hard to keep it up all the time... at least at first.

Brittany:  The way it's done is sort of natural. The idea is that, after a while, you just have the new voice all the time.

Physically, things aren't a lot different than last time you saw me.

Kayla:  That's so cool. I can't believe how completely thorough this whole process is. I didn't know anything about the voice lessons until you told me about them.

Funny, I was just going to ask you how life on hormones was treating you.

Brittany:  Body hair growth has slowed to a crawl. I only really have to fuck with it like once a week now.

Kayla:  Are you feeling any different on the inside? Are you still bitchy(er than usual)? Do you still have to pee all the time?

Brittany:  Peeing hasn't changed much. I am more aware of my emotions, but I'm not half sociopath anymore. lol.

Kayla:  Well, that's good to know. Maybe I'll feel safe enough to talk to you in person now. (joking, of course)

Brittany:  lol

Kayla:  Just... uh... keep the gun at home, ok?  ;)

Brittany:  Yeah, that would be the time some idiot tried to steal my car from in front of your house, too. lol.
It's not like I go out of control. I wouldn't have 11 of these things if I weren't responsible about it.

Kayla:  11 of what things? (oh... your arsenal... is that what you mean?)

Brittany:  Yeah, the gun collection.  I suppose no one needs that many, but I like them.  It would be boring shooting one gun all the time at the ranges.

Kayla:  And, what are you doing with all those guns? Getting ready for the apocalypse? (it IS almost 2012, after all...)

Brittany:  Right. Lol.  Zombie apocalypse. Use guns to get more guns and food. Sit on the roof shooting zombies so they don't get in.

Kayla:  I can totally see it... and by then you should be completely changed over, so that's an even more amusing image... some chick, sitting on her roof, picking off zombies while eating hot dogs she swiped from the QuikTrip she looted in the dark of night.

Brittany:  Reminds me of when some CDC guy was talking about what to do in the event of a zombie crisis,
like he was serious. Cracked me up.  It was months ago, I think. It was all over the news.

Kayla:  I heard about that! The CDC actually put out an "official" statement on what to do "in case..."

Me, I always thought I'd need a flame thrower. You can shoot zombies all day, but they're already undead, so what good is that gonna' do? I say torch 'em 'til they're just ashes.

Brittany:  You shoot them in the head, if the movies are any indication.

Kayla:  Hollywood bullshit. What do they know? I'm telling you, the secret is fire.

Brittany:  Weird little tangent. lol

Kayla:  Hey, when you need something to talk about, there's ALWAYS the zombie apocalypse.

Brittany:  lol. Fresh on the mind, I guess. I wanted a quiet weekend, so I sat around drinking vodka and watching zombie movies I hadn't seen but wanted to.

Kayla:  I need to bone up on my zombie trivia, too.

But... back to our regularly scheduled programming... last I talked to you, you hadn't told your dad yet (but were going to). I think you said your sister was going to go with you. How did that go?

Brittany:  It went alright I guess.  He had a few questions about why.  I haven't talked to him much since then, but he seems to be handling it slowly, but fine.

Kayla:  How did you explain it to him?

Brittany:  I said that it's something I knew as soon as I figured out you could distinguish between kids by gender.  That it has nothing to do with him or with who I'm attracted to.

Kayla:  What do you mean, that last part about who you're attracted to?

Brittany:  People confuse gender with sexual preference, even though there is no relationship.  The fact that I'm primarily attracted to men doesn't have anything to do with anything.

Kayla:  I think I understand that... and I suppose... (sticky association/clarification moment here) I always thought of you as gay, but if you identify your gender as female, regardless of what you were born with, then you aren't strictly "gay" are you?

Brittany:  More straight than gay, I guess.  But it's not like a signed a pledge somewhere stating who I will and won't sleep with.

Kayla:  That's true.  People like to put everything in a box, though. They like to define their world.  It makes more sense to me, philosophically, that sexual/romantic preference should be loose. People love who they love and are attracted to who they're attracted to.

Brittany:  I don't know, people get confused.  They're like, "so you're straight?"  I'm like, "maybe, until I sleep with Rihanna or something."

Kayla:  Ha!  Do you think your gender reassignment will make dating more difficult? I know, awkward question, but apparently that's what I'm here for.

Brittany:  When I'm pre-op, yeah.  I'm not sure where I'll find dates & sex.

Kayla:  I'm sure there's gotta' be guys out there who want and "get" that... does it worry you at all?

Brittany:  There are guys all over the place who fetishize all this stuff.  I don't know that the selection within that group is real great.

Kayla:  Yeah... something about being someone's "fetish"... I don't know...

Brittany:  It's sort of a good thing my libido is low with the meds, I guess.

Kayla:  I doubt it'll stay that way.  You may never have a "typical male" drive anymore, but chicks need to get laid sometimes, too.  Seriously, though, I think it just depends on the individual.

Brittany:  I know. It doesn't lead to most of the people I've slept with.  Meat market at Majestic. lol

Kayla:  I'm sure it'll work out, though. I'm one of those saps that believes in fate, so I have no doubt you'll find the right person.

Brittany:  Really, even when I do think about it now, there's more experience of sorts in those thoughts than before.

Kayla:  You'll have to explain that one. But I gotta' go. Seriously, send me an email on the "there's more experience of sorts in those thoughts than before" thing...

Brittany:  Ok. I wrote down to do that.  I'm gonna' make a drink and go to sleep soon, I guess.

Kayla:  Good plan. I'm gonna' go get my spaghetti on. We'll talk again soon.

Brittany:  Cool. I'll email you where that got left off tomorrow.

Kayla:  Ok. Have a good night with your drink and your dreams, Britt.

Brittany:  You, too.

August 11, 2011

Brittany:  I guess I'll keep this fairly short, unless you actually want the gory details. What I meant about being more into the experience with sex is that it's not just the sex itself, which is how it used to be. Now the experience in general is equally important. Surroundings, atmosphere, mood, foreplay, role play, shit like that. Good thing, in a way. Looking at it that way, everyone is totally different and sort of new in a way. Like it's not just all about the release anymore, I guess, but just as much of how we get there.