We're Ba-ack!

In which Brittany and Kayla attempt to restart and catch up the whole blog (after a 5 year hiatus) in a one-hour lunchtime private chat, and mostly succeed even if it does end abruptly. But this is just the (re)beginning, friends and fam. It's a whole new world out there; we've got some shit to discuss.  

January 3, 2018

Kayla:  First of all, let’s start this off by saying I have zero specific questions prepped, so we’re going to be TOTALLY OFF THE CUFF HERE, PEOPLE. You know, how professional bloggers do it. 😉
But it’s been... gah... how long has it been now? Since our last BB convo?

Brittany:  Yeah. Just winging it here too. Most recent blog entry is from October 2012, so a long ass time.

Kayla:  Yep. Sounds about right. I’ve gotten divorced, remarried, and had a baby since then.
And you’ve clearly met the love of your life, if I can be so bold...?

Brittany:  Yeah. Still with Trisha after almost 6 years now. And Michelle has stuck around for about 2. Crazy. Good crazy, but I didn't see it coming

Kayla:  That’s fantastic! So at this point, you’re in a polyamorous relationship? Is that how you’d describe it?

Brittany:  Yeah. The 3 of us. Trisha & I were always somewhat open, but the actual 3rd person in a real relationship wasn't something we were looking for, but Michelle is awesome.

Kayla:  Do you live together, or in separate homes?

Brittany:  Together. She moved in about a year ago, not like  Trisha & I moving in together after like 2 months. And she's young. 28 in April.

Kayla:  How has that been with the kids and all? I know Trish has daughters. Is their dad supportive?

Brittany:  He doesn't seem to care, other than occasionally remarking how he wishes he had 2 girlfriends lol. He has a relationship to the girls, not much of one with the adults.

Kayla:  That’s cool. At least he’s not being a dick about it. Buckle of the Bible Belt and all that - I’ve known some cases where things were way harder.

Brittany:  Yeah. Fortunately he's about as religious as I am. I imagine being a religious person in a relationship with Trisha would be about as lovely as being with me.

Kayla:  Lol, good. But, so, where we left off... your transition... which is obviously not transitional anymore. But to catch people up, how have things been on that front since?

Brittany:  I've pretty much decided to probably not get surgery because I don't want to deal with the recovery period. My boobs are 32A from hormones. I'm pretty content with that as I'm scrawny enough that they're visible. I zapped all the facial hair off some time ago, and have worked on my voice.

Kayla:  And you’re still doing regular hormone treatments?

Brittany:  Yeah. That'll be for life.

Kayla:  Well, you’ve always spoken of them so fondly, so that’s ok.  😉

Brittany:  It took a while for them to grow. Doubt they will anymore. Makes sense though. My mom is about the same size. I got her body type, but a few more inches of height, which I never really thought about pre-transition.

Kayla:  Not everyone can be a DDD, though I suppose there are implants, if you ever decide to go that route. A lot of women do.

Brittany:  Yeah. Could happen, but probably not. If I do anything, it would be facial feminization surgery since I sort of take after my dad in that area. But then again, people on the street don't usually clock me anyway.

Kayla:  Clock you?

Brittany:  Notice I'm trans.

Kayla:  Oh, that’s not a term I’ve heard before! Where does that come from? Why ‘clock’? (I usually think of that word in terms of either being punched or a timepiece, way to keep time.)

Brittany:  I'm not actually sure where it comes from. Just part of the lingo you pick up from other trans people. Like getting clocked means you didn't "pass" as cis to the person who noticed.

Kayla:  Gotcha. I just had to ask ‘cause words/language fascinate me in general.
But do you feel that helps you, socially speaking? That you typically “pass”?

Brittany:  Yeah, but few people pass all the time. Sometimes you can tell someone is clocking you or picking up on something when they look at you weird. Thankfully, most people don't say anything. But then comes the new problem of cat callers and street harassers. Which is scary because, if they clock me in the process of harassing, that can get dangerous.

Kayla:  That was going to be my next question, even before you brought it up. How people treat you in public in blood-Red Oklahoma.

Brittany:  Yeah, that has a lot to do with why I got my carry permit and got into kickboxing with Michelle.

Kayla:  I don’t blame you. It’s a hard world for women. And it’s an especially hard world for trans women.

Brittany:  Yeah. The world is dangerous, so I became dangerous.

Kayla:  You do what you have to do to protect yourself.

Brittany:  It's not right for everyone, but it helps me feel a bit more secure.

Kayla:  Yeah, I get that.

Brittany:  Plus kickboxing is fun and totally great for fitness.

Kayla:  I can’t own a gun (personal limit) because I’m too paranoid to have them around kids/teenagers, even locked in a safe. But I’m also not trans, so I’m sure if I saw a new report every week of one of my small community getting murdered, I’d feel differently.
Lol, now I probably should get into kickboxing. I could stand to lose some pounds.  😉

Brittany:  It's one way to do it.

Kayla:  Probably more effective than sitting around watching Netflix all the time.

Brittany:  It's kind of hard to picture you kickboxing though. 20ish years of knowing you, and I've never sensed any violent inclinations on your part.

Kayla:  Lol, right? Have you built up any muscles doing that?

Brittany:  Yeah. I have good tone these days.

Kayla:  Though, I did take Tung Sudo when I was a kid. For, like, 6 months. I don’t even know if I’m still spelling that right. Maybe I should just do yoga. I need good tone, too.

Brittany:  Tang Soo Do? I looked it up. Yoga is great, too.

Kayla:  That might be right. I’ve done a little yoga.

Brittany:  I think just about every gym has toga classes.

Kayla:  Lol, I know that’s a typo, but now I’m picturing a bunch of people wrapped in sheets.

Brittany:  Lol. I didn't notice. Classes on how to dress in sheets.

Kayla:  Yes. And drink like a frat boy.

Brittany:  Yeah. I wouldn't be hanging out there

Kayla:  No drinking?

Brittany:  Not for a few years now. Or hard drugs. It was getting pretty toxic.

It's almost 1, and I have a client, so let me copy and paste real quick.

And this is where we both had to get back to our respective day jobs wihtout ceremony, as we'd run out the clock. No pun intended. But stay tuned. We like doing this better than our day jobs, anyway.

Things Change

“I want to taste glory in each day, and never be afraid to experience pain; and never shut myself up in a numb core of nonfeeling, or stop questioning and criticizing life and take the easy way out. To learn and think: to think and live; to live and learn: this always, with new insight, new understanding, and new love.” –Sylvia Plath

In some ways I guess I’m becoming more obnoxious and more militant about who I am and having the right to be who I am. I used to be a very reserved, even shy, individual. I missed out on a lot of life, good and bad things. I guess I wasn’t particularly proud of who I was as a person. I was watching myself do things almost as sort of a mildly uninterested outside observer. I was usually fairly numb. I didn’t allow myself to feel much of anything substantial, as I wasn’t “me,” so why bother?

Things have changed. Sometimes I feel like I wasted over 3 decades of my life. I don’t want to waste a 4th. With the physical and emotional changes that come with making good progress on my transition, I’ve gradually become considerably more comfortable with myself. Maybe I’m overcompensating somewhat. I want to experience life as much as I can, and I do. I feel everything very intensely or not at all. I prefer the former these days.

I came very close to ending my life when I deliberately overdosed in the summer of 2010. I think that’s when I realized I needed to either really live or quit wasting my time and give it a better shot. Now I do what I want. I run my own business. I feel no obligation to “mainstream.” I have kinky sex. I fuck like a wild animal. Sometimes I drink a little too much or do too many drugs. I don’t apologize for it. I’m responsible. I’m an adult. I’m very open about all of that. I owe no apologizes for simply living my life. How conventional or unconventional things are is of very little concern to me. I’m emotional. I’m very compassionate and very passionate. I’m very loving, and also very bitchy. I can tell you I love you and say fuck you in one sentence, and mean it. If people don’t like this new loud and proud me, that’s fine. They can stay away, and some do.

Most of the time, this is a good thing. My relationship with my partner is very loving and we’re still very affectionate, almost like teenagers at times. We laugh a lot, and we laugh hard. We have deep and intense conversations. The sex is never boring. In fact, it’s pretty mind-blowing. My close friends seem to love me more than ever before. When I socialize, we have great fun. When I feel antisocial, I shut myself off, but I’m usually not miserable during these times. It may be that I’m feeling a bit misanthropic, or it may be that I just need time to myself to achieve a sense of calm and take a break from the chaos I seem to attract, but I enjoy every minute of being with my newly acquired family, doing the work that I do, getting a little alone time for gaming and writing, whatever.

Sometimes all this feeling and desire to feel can be a bad thing. I get overly attached to the wrong people. My heart is easy to break, and when that happens I express all those feelings all at once. Sometimes this can cost me a friend. I developed romantic feelings for a friend recently. I love those protective women, and that’s how she was. She took great care of me when it was needed, especially after I was raped last December. And I felt everything from that experience too. Too intensely as usual. I went kind of crazy for a while. Partied to much, let my emotions run completely wild, barely slept because I had nightmares if I did, freaked out for no real reason. She dealt with that very well as a friend. I finally began to calm down somewhat when I got together with Trisha, but those feelings continued to develop. We started fighting all the time when we talked. Now we don’t really talk anymore at all. We never hang out. And it kind of breaks my heart. I lost a pretty great friend. Maybe I wouldn’t have if I maintained a greater level of sanity. Then again, maybe it was doomed regardless. Who can say?

I’m also bipolar. I was diagnosed in 2002 or something like that, maybe a little before. I don’t talk about this very often (really not at all with most people). This is why I go through depression spells from time to time. I take medication for this, but I’m sure it contributes some to the intensity with which I experience life. Sometimes, like at the current time, I just lie low and enjoy my home life. I have to in order to achieve some sort of psychological balance. Feeling everything all the time takes a lot of energy, especially when some these things are negative in any way. Sometimes I don’t have that much energy. I get worn out and rest with my family and my electronic entertainment.

It’s all worth it though. I wouldn’t want it any other way. As much as some of the bad things like rape, or to a lesser extent, failed friendships, may suck, the good things outnumber the bad. I have a lot of people who love me. Feeling that the majority of the time is what makes everything I’m doing worth it. I’ll do what I need to do to maintain some balance, but I’m going to live my life at full intensity. I’m going to enjoy the happy times and cry during the bad times for the rest of my life because I don’t want to be numb and bored when it ends.