A Very Poly Relationship

Special note for our readers: Brittany's cohort in these blog chats has been flying under the pseudonym "Kayla" in previous posts due to the strongly conservative nature of her day job. She has since moved onto another company and so feels comfortable now going by her given name, Angela, and sharing on her personal social media to help boost the signal. Just, ya know, in case you were confused. Kayla=Angela, same broad. 😉

We open on an overcast afternoon, with Brittany and Angela catching up on their day, waiting for it to rain. The conversation quickly turns... alternative. 

Angela: I'm here!

Brittany: Same!

Angela: Yay! How are the puppers?

Brittany:  They're happy. There is a small field not too far from here. They seem to understand to stay off the street, so we let them run around there.

Angela:  Good dogs! I have to work just trying to keep mine from darting out the front door for her favorite game: Jail Break (watch the humans chase me!)

Brittany:  Thought it was supposed to rain today, but fuck no. Kiara is watering the gardens. This place has become like a humid desert lately.

Angela:  Ugh, yes. But my eldest had to walk to work today, so I’m ok with it holding out for just a little

Brittany:  Yeah. We have the windows open. I was just going to water, but my 11 year old volunteered. A preteen volunteering to do shit. Lol. Bizarro World

Angela:  Definitely! I ask our teenagers (multiple) to do things around the house and I get the world’s longest “UUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH“

Brittany:  Fortunately, we only have 2. Charity is 13. They aren't real confrontational over minor shit most of the time.

Angela:  Well, sprinkle some magic dust on her to keep her willingly helpful for as long as possible.

Brittany:  Lol. They're a lot easier than I was.

Angela:  I was fairly compliant (natural people-pleaser). I just snuck around and lied about shit.

But, I saw on FB you went out with your ladies last night. How was that? It was supposedly something super gay.  

Brittany:  Pretty good. We actually ate at home, but went to see a late showing of Love, Simon. Simon is totally gay.

Angela:  I haven’t even heard of this. (So, in white-cis-Oklahoma that means it must be Gay.)

Brittany:  Yeah. We found it surfing Fandango to see what movies are around. We'll probably see A Wrinkle in Time sometime soon, too. We'll definitely take the girls to that one,

Angela:  I want to see A Wrinkle in Time, too. 
Was Simon playing at The Circle (our little Indie arthouse theater that isn’t afraid of The Gay, for our out-of-town readers), or a mainstream theater?

Brittany:  Mainstream at Promenade. Maybe other places too, but Promenade is close, so we generally go there. 

Angela:  When we lived dover there, we practically lived at the AMC across from Promenade. Now we live at the Warren because it has a cry room. (More clarification for our readers - if you don't know, a cry room is a nice little soundproof place where parents can take babies and little kids to watch a movie on the big screen without worrying that their screaming offspring will disturb other movie-goers. This is not, in fact, a place where you go to cry about your life. Unless the toddler in question is dumping a vat of pink lemonade onto your cell phone... then you might cry in there, too.)

Brittany:  Last night was a date night, since the girls weren't here.

Angela:  Nice! I know you generally have an IDGAF attitude about these things (which is enviable), but do you gals ever get any flack when you’re all out together? I mean, do you think people realize you’re obviously together, romantically, the 3 of you?

Brittany:  Now and then, if we're being affectionate enough and not in a dark theater where no one can see it. More often, people just assume we're friends because they're used to seeing hetero monogamous people. Or at least male/female couples, and they just assume heterosexuality and monogamy on their part.

Angela:  Do you feel like you have to act differently in public (more so than a hetero couple or even a monogamous same-sex couple) than at home? Like, do you consciously keep the  PDA to a minimum?

Brittany:  It depends on where we are and whether we care on any given day. We're kind of careful if we're in an environment that seems sketchy. Then places like the dyke bar are totally fine. People just find it interesting. 

But sometimes we honestly don't give a fuck.

If we're at some gas station in the sticks between Dallas and here, we're more careful.

Angela:  That makes sense. I was also thinking that it helps a little that you’re all women. Women are known to be more outwardly affectionate than men, so seeing 3 girls holding hands or with their arms around each other wouldn’t necessarily seem “gross” or “offensive," like it would if you were men.

Sadly

Brittany:  It does. Until you get some perv wanting to get it on it.

Angela:  Ugh. Right. More of that toxic masculinity stuff were talking about last time. 

Just don’t kiss or anything. Because then you’re heading right into porno country, cover the children’s eyes, you need Jesus.

Brittany:  Lol.  Shit like that goes on everywhere, but OK can be a difficult place sometimes.

Angela:  I know. It’s just a bit more concentrated in the South. (And yes, I have had long debates and in-depth research into what region of the US Oklahoma is considered to belong, and we are officially The South. Fight me.)

Brittany:  Yeah. I consider it south, too. Southern culture here, good and bad, and I'm from MN, so everyone is south to me.

Angela:  Lol! I’m from all over *gestures vaguely* so I don‘t have a preference, but according to Official Sources, we’re definitely South. But I get why people think Midwest, too, being right next to that region. We’re influenced by both. But the bigotry... I’d never seen anything like it before I moved here as a teenager. And I lived for several years in Texas! Like, we make Texas look progressive.

Brittany:  Well, aside from abortion. We definitely have better access to abortion than Texans do. Idk why.

Some people seem to think to think love is a finite resource,  so like for me to love 2 people, I have to divide it so it's less for each. That isn't accurate at all.

Angela:  I’ve heard that perspective. I have come to the conclusion that monogamy isn’t about love. I’m monogamous, but it has more to do with a person’s ability to be open to more than one person. And, depending on the person, that person’s ability to not be jealous. There’s probably a more eloquent way to put that, but in essence...

Brittany:  Yeah. Monogamy is perfectly valid, though not for everyone. You put that perfectly.

Angela:  It would be a lot better if more people understood and accepted that fact. I don’t understand why we define our entire societal structure on our tight definition of “normal” relationships.

Brittany:  We aren't real prone to jealousy in general. A lot of people in poly relationships or open relationships use the word compersion. The opposite of jealousy.

Angela:  You 3... you’re raising kids, running a household, contributing to society. What’s the problem?

Compersion. I have never heard that term.

Brittany:  Yeah. I don't think it exists in the dictionary at this time, but it exists. In the world.

But yeah. We're just 3 women raising a family in a house with some pets. Our lifestyle isn't super flamboyant. We're fairly introverted most of the time.

Sure threesome and some kinky shit happen with a certain regularity, but we're pretty private about it.

Angela:  Monogamous couples do kinky shit, too. People just don't talk about it.

Do you think there is much jealousy in many polyamorous relationships? I mean, I know it seems counter-intuitive, but I'm sure it comes up.

Brittany:  Yeah, People tend to assume poly = kinky. Maybe we're more open to certain things, but not all poly people are kinky, and not all monogamous people are vanilla. It's not like there's a litmus test.

(Jealousy) isn't uncommon, but it can be addressed and processed. Boundaries in general are important, and make a big difference.

Angela:  I feel like, and correct me if I'm wrong, that people getting into poly relationships are naturally better at communicating and drawing those boundaries in a clear way (better than many monogamous couples), simply because they know what they are getting into isn't conventional. Is that right?

Brittany:  I mean, there are poly curious (and kink curious) noobs running around trying things without looking into what it means. They can end up in an unhealthy situation, but most other poly people I've come across seem to be a little better at that.

Some probably research it. I did. Others end up with someone who already understands communication and boundaries.

Angela:  That makes sense. People are stupid, no matter what they're into. But It's good that you did some research. More mono couples should probably do that, too.

Brittany:  Yeah. I've seen plenty of mono people with a horrible sense of boundaries. Maybe mono people are more likely to assume it'll just fall into place like in the romantic movies.

Angela:  Exactly that. 

When did you figure out that you'd be open to a relationship like that?

Brittany:  Trisha and I were open sexually from day 1, but it wasn't until we got to know Michelle that we knew we wanted her in the actual relationship as opposed to some casual thing.

Angela:  That's neat.

Brittany:  I met Michelle 4 days into grad school. For a while, it was pretty casual with her, then with all of us. Eventually it became a serious relationship.

Getting close to 2 years of serious now.

Angela

That's fantastic!

Brittany:  I think so.

Angela:  Do you feel like there are any alphas in the relationship, or are you all on pretty equal footing?

Brittany:  Trisha is the most dominant sexually. I'm a little bit alpha when it comes to finances, but I've always been on top of money related things. I'm the most submissive sexually. People who interact with me only outside of that context seem all suprised to find out for some reason. But, for the most part, we're on equal footing, and communicate in a healthy way.

Speaking of finances, an advantage people don't always think about: Triple income situation.

Angela:  Right????

Brittany:  Like the mortgage is just over $800. Divide that by 3 and get an awesome number.

Angela:  Ok, that brings me to the living arrangement situation. Are you all 3 in the same bedroom? Separate rooms?

Brittany:  We sleep in the same bed. "King size" is big enough. None of us are very big.

Angela:  But all your stuff fits in the same room? You don't feel cramped at all? (these are the weird things my brain wonders when pondering how people fit even just one extra person into a long-term relationship, lol)

Brittany:  There's a big dresser in the closet, and some clothes have ended up in the girls' bathroom since it's huge and has cabinets. They have their own dressers in their rooms, so it's not really an issue.
We have our things that we do alone and with different pairings (like kickboxing is Michelle and I's thing), but we always come together in the end.

Angela:  That's great. Do Trisha and Michelle do things together, without you? Or are you sort of the connective glue that keeps you all together?

Brittany:  They do, and that's awesome to me that they have their time.

Angela:  That is pretty great that you each relate to each other individually as well as as a unit.

Brittany:  Yeah. And other than books and vinyls taking up space, it isn't too cluttered. Things no one needed anymore either got sold, given away, or put that in the attic.

It's a 3 bedroom house.

Angela:  So, what does a typical day in your household look like? Schedule-wise. Does everyone work outside the home? Do you juggle responsibilities? Housework? Cooking?

Brittany:  We share housework. I cook a lot of the time, but Charity likes to pretty frequently. She wants to go to culinary school, which she'll be great at if she does. Trisha works a 7am schedule outside the home. Michelle and I are both 8am schedule.

Usually, we eat around 6 or 7pm and either watch tv or end up doing separate things. Reading, on the computer etc.

Angela:  Sounds pretty standard.

Brittany:  Yeah. Not so exotic.

From here the convo dissolves into boring gotta-gos and promises of editing and publishing and plans for the next post. You don't wanna read all that. 

We're Ba-ack!

In which Brittany and Kayla attempt to restart and catch up the whole blog (after a 5 year hiatus) in a one-hour lunchtime private chat, and mostly succeed even if it does end abruptly. But this is just the (re)beginning, friends and fam. It's a whole new world out there; we've got some shit to discuss.  

January 3, 2018

Kayla:  First of all, let’s start this off by saying I have zero specific questions prepped, so we’re going to be TOTALLY OFF THE CUFF HERE, PEOPLE. You know, how professional bloggers do it. 😉
But it’s been... gah... how long has it been now? Since our last BB convo?

Brittany:  Yeah. Just winging it here too. Most recent blog entry is from October 2012, so a long ass time.

Kayla:  Yep. Sounds about right. I’ve gotten divorced, remarried, and had a baby since then.
And you’ve clearly met the love of your life, if I can be so bold...?

Brittany:  Yeah. Still with Trisha after almost 6 years now. And Michelle has stuck around for about 2. Crazy. Good crazy, but I didn't see it coming

Kayla:  That’s fantastic! So at this point, you’re in a polyamorous relationship? Is that how you’d describe it?

Brittany:  Yeah. The 3 of us. Trisha & I were always somewhat open, but the actual 3rd person in a real relationship wasn't something we were looking for, but Michelle is awesome.

Kayla:  Do you live together, or in separate homes?

Brittany:  Together. She moved in about a year ago, not like  Trisha & I moving in together after like 2 months. And she's young. 28 in April.

Kayla:  How has that been with the kids and all? I know Trish has daughters. Is their dad supportive?

Brittany:  He doesn't seem to care, other than occasionally remarking how he wishes he had 2 girlfriends lol. He has a relationship to the girls, not much of one with the adults.

Kayla:  That’s cool. At least he’s not being a dick about it. Buckle of the Bible Belt and all that - I’ve known some cases where things were way harder.

Brittany:  Yeah. Fortunately he's about as religious as I am. I imagine being a religious person in a relationship with Trisha would be about as lovely as being with me.

Kayla:  Lol, good. But, so, where we left off... your transition... which is obviously not transitional anymore. But to catch people up, how have things been on that front since?

Brittany:  I've pretty much decided to probably not get surgery because I don't want to deal with the recovery period. My boobs are 32A from hormones. I'm pretty content with that as I'm scrawny enough that they're visible. I zapped all the facial hair off some time ago, and have worked on my voice.

Kayla:  And you’re still doing regular hormone treatments?

Brittany:  Yeah. That'll be for life.

Kayla:  Well, you’ve always spoken of them so fondly, so that’s ok.  😉

Brittany:  It took a while for them to grow. Doubt they will anymore. Makes sense though. My mom is about the same size. I got her body type, but a few more inches of height, which I never really thought about pre-transition.

Kayla:  Not everyone can be a DDD, though I suppose there are implants, if you ever decide to go that route. A lot of women do.

Brittany:  Yeah. Could happen, but probably not. If I do anything, it would be facial feminization surgery since I sort of take after my dad in that area. But then again, people on the street don't usually clock me anyway.

Kayla:  Clock you?

Brittany:  Notice I'm trans.

Kayla:  Oh, that’s not a term I’ve heard before! Where does that come from? Why ‘clock’? (I usually think of that word in terms of either being punched or a timepiece, way to keep time.)

Brittany:  I'm not actually sure where it comes from. Just part of the lingo you pick up from other trans people. Like getting clocked means you didn't "pass" as cis to the person who noticed.

Kayla:  Gotcha. I just had to ask ‘cause words/language fascinate me in general.
But do you feel that helps you, socially speaking? That you typically “pass”?

Brittany:  Yeah, but few people pass all the time. Sometimes you can tell someone is clocking you or picking up on something when they look at you weird. Thankfully, most people don't say anything. But then comes the new problem of cat callers and street harassers. Which is scary because, if they clock me in the process of harassing, that can get dangerous.

Kayla:  That was going to be my next question, even before you brought it up. How people treat you in public in blood-Red Oklahoma.

Brittany:  Yeah, that has a lot to do with why I got my carry permit and got into kickboxing with Michelle.

Kayla:  I don’t blame you. It’s a hard world for women. And it’s an especially hard world for trans women.

Brittany:  Yeah. The world is dangerous, so I became dangerous.

Kayla:  You do what you have to do to protect yourself.

Brittany:  It's not right for everyone, but it helps me feel a bit more secure.

Kayla:  Yeah, I get that.

Brittany:  Plus kickboxing is fun and totally great for fitness.

Kayla:  I can’t own a gun (personal limit) because I’m too paranoid to have them around kids/teenagers, even locked in a safe. But I’m also not trans, so I’m sure if I saw a new report every week of one of my small community getting murdered, I’d feel differently.
Lol, now I probably should get into kickboxing. I could stand to lose some pounds.  😉

Brittany:  It's one way to do it.

Kayla:  Probably more effective than sitting around watching Netflix all the time.

Brittany:  It's kind of hard to picture you kickboxing though. 20ish years of knowing you, and I've never sensed any violent inclinations on your part.

Kayla:  Lol, right? Have you built up any muscles doing that?

Brittany:  Yeah. I have good tone these days.

Kayla:  Though, I did take Tung Sudo when I was a kid. For, like, 6 months. I don’t even know if I’m still spelling that right. Maybe I should just do yoga. I need good tone, too.

Brittany:  Tang Soo Do? I looked it up. Yoga is great, too.

Kayla:  That might be right. I’ve done a little yoga.

Brittany:  I think just about every gym has toga classes.

Kayla:  Lol, I know that’s a typo, but now I’m picturing a bunch of people wrapped in sheets.

Brittany:  Lol. I didn't notice. Classes on how to dress in sheets.

Kayla:  Yes. And drink like a frat boy.

Brittany:  Yeah. I wouldn't be hanging out there

Kayla:  No drinking?

Brittany:  Not for a few years now. Or hard drugs. It was getting pretty toxic.

It's almost 1, and I have a client, so let me copy and paste real quick.

And this is where we both had to get back to our respective day jobs wihtout ceremony, as we'd run out the clock. No pun intended. But stay tuned. We like doing this better than our day jobs, anyway.