Chat: Love in the Time of Covid and Life Post-Trauma (Sorry, We Mean Trump)

In which Brittany and Angela discuss a partner coming out, love lives and polyamory during the pandemic, life after Trump and personal trauma, and whether we will ever be able to relax again. 

Angela: Brittany! What have you been up to!

Brittany: Not much thanks to covid. I am seeing a friend next week who I haven't seen since like the late 90s though.

Angela: Oh cool! Yeah, Covid's definitely put a damper on our adventures. Is this friend in town?

Brittany: Yeah. She moved away a long time ago, then came back. Then something went wrong with that plan, so she's moving to Vegas later this month.

Angela: So it's kind of a bon voyage get together

Brittany: Oh, btw, Trisha and Kai finally got approved for that poly geek group. Then Trisha invited me, and I STILL didn't get the notification. When I just went to the group page, it gave the option to cancel request or answer questions. So the invite went through without telling me. Failbook.

Angela: Lmao, ugh, wtf. 😂

Brittany: Yeah, though if I visit my sister again, that's a good city for her to move to.

But yeah, there's an update. Kai came out as nonbinary to us, then a bit later on FB.

Angela: I know, that's so great! Have they come out at work? You two work at the same place still, right?

Brittany: They came out at work. We both work at nonprofits doing similar work, but not the same one.

Angela: Oh ok, idk why I thought it was the same place. Are they supportive? Kai's job, I mean? 

Brittany: Yeah. I think these nonprofit mental health organizations are probably easier than a lot of establishments when it comes to such things.

Angela: Probably true. 

Brittany: My work has a couple non-gendered bathrooms. Kai's does too. Just asked. They said hi. Though not many people go in now since it's pretty much all telehealth.

Angela: Is Kai changing their name legally? Just curious what all their coming out entails on a semantics level.

Brittany: They intend to change the name legally at some point after the pandemic.

Angela: Ah, yep. Covid.

Brittany: Yeah. Getting real tired of it.

Angela: Everyone is.

Brittany: Though I guess I learned something useful as a result of it. I'm not, in fact, well suited for virtual dating. Kind of sucks that I had to break up with someone in the process of learning that though.

Angela: Lol, that hits on what I was just about to ask you - how Covid has impacted your dating life. But yeah, I know that was rough. 😔

Brittany: Other than about 5 months dating her, I haven't really dated at all during all this.

Angela: Have Trish or Kai been seeing anyone else?

Brittany: Kai was seeing a man until fairly recently. Trisha rarely has the patience for dating anyone new.

Angela: I feel Trish's pain. Though... I'm a bit more keen than I used to be. This whole poly thing is new for me, but I'm slowly starting to dip my toe out there.

Brittany: Which I guess is sort of where I am at the moment. I'm not ready to deal with all the initial feelings and anxiety of new relationships again right now. When I am, it'll have to be someone local.

Angela: Local is definitely better. Easier.

Brittany: Yeah. My primary love language is definitely physical touch.

Angela: The really great thing about your life currently is that you live with both your partners, so Covid didn't have to come between you guys. I know a lot of poly folks are having a hard time seeing their non-live-in partners.

Mine is words of affirmation, but touch is definitely my secondary.

Brittany: I'm definitely grateful for our arrangement being what it is. Even though we all got covid anyway, seemingly from Kai's boyfriend at the time.

Angela: I'm glad I met my primary/nesting partner before it all went into lockdown. But, crap, wtf?? Dumb boys, always messing shit up. 😂

Brittany: Lol. No one was mad at him. It's not like he was willfully careless.

Angela: We've been lucky. I've taken, I think, 4 Covid tests due to possible exposure and some a couple of bouts of likely allergy-induced sniffles over the course of this thing. So far, all negative. 

And lol, I know, I get it. I was just teasing. 😊

All my scares but one came from work. Because we worked from home for like a month and then came back to the office when our numbers were higher than ever. It made no sense.

Brittany: Somehow my dad didn't get it even though he's here regularly.

Angela: Oh man, I'm glad your dad dodged that. How old-ish is he?

Brittany: About to turn 72. Now he's vaccinated.

Angela: That's good. My 70-something boss got his 2nd shot like a week ago.

Brittany: One of the doctors where I work got it. He's like 78 and looks like Bernie Sanders, so I just call him Dr. Bernie.

Angela: LOL! But, omg, have we chatted since the election? I feel like we haven't... 🤔

Brittany: I don't think we have other than some random messages.

Angela: I think you're right. Lol, maybe we should call these our semi-quaterly chats. 😅

Brittany: Lol. Like we do these that often at most, and I might actually get a blog posted once or twice in a year.

Angela: Exactly. And I keep promising to contribute with my own posts but never get around to them. Uuuuuugh. 🙄

Dear friends and readers, we're old and have lives and we're sort of sorry. 😂

Brittany: And I get easily distracted by the steady supply of weed and pussy.

Angela: Interesting. Because I am likewise distracted by a steady supply of weed and dick! Huh... how parallel our lives have become... 🤔

And work and school and kids, of course. 😂

Brittany: Yeah. I was actually surprised when you went poly.

Angela: I know. The not-100%-consensual stuff I was dragged into with my ex opened me up to some things. That and honestly you and my bff, Sarah, giving me good examples of how this can be done in a positive, healthy way have done a LOT to make this make sense for me.

Brittany: Glad we could be helpful in that way.

Angela: I was already swinging with the ex, so when I left that shitshow and got together with my current bf, he's poly so I was like... ok, I think I can work this. 😅

Brittany: Your abusive ex unfriended me after you broke up. I cried for days. JKJK fuck him.

Angela: 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

SAD.

Brittany: Smart on his end. I'll totally start shit with people like him when I find them on my list.

Angela: That actually would have been hilarious to witness! But I gotta tell ya, being able to explore my own sexuality and relationships on my own terms now is... it's fucking amazing, actually.

Brittany: Yeah. I'm glad you found the guy you're with now.

Angela: Girl, you have no idea. Samesies. 😊Now I just wish it hadn't taken until I was in my fucking 40s to finally have a peaceful, healthy relationship. 😑But I guess that's what us traumatized bitches go through before we realize what's up. Le sigh.

You found Trish in your 30s, right? And then Kai.

Brittany: I've been with Trisha since I was 34. Honestly, I count her as my first properly healthy relationship. Our 5th anniversary with Kai is May 6.

Angela: Yeah, that's what I was thinking for you, too. Y'all are so great. 😊

But, current affairs! How do you feel about Biden now he's been in office for like 2 months? Lol

Brittany: I like him more than I thought I would. Definitely a difference between old Joe and current Joe.

Angela: I agree. He may not be as leftist as I want but he is still supporting policies which are way more progressive than I expected.

Brittany: Nothing about America is a left as I want, but it's a nice change not being pissed off at a president literally every day.

Angela: Ugh. Yes. I was so tired. Hell, I still am! 

Brittany: Glad they got that relief plan through though. A lot of people need it, and for us it's extra fun money.

Angela: Gods yes. Bernie had sort of an informal poll on FB asking people what an extra $1k a month would do for them. I'm like, goddammit, Bernie, you are such a fucking mensch but this will never pass. UBI, the pipe dream of leftists everywhere. 😭

Brittany: Guess I didn't see that poll, though it likely would've been responded to mostly by supporters who follow him. I'd be curious what the real numbers would be on a larger poll.

Angela: Oh, me, too. And yeah, you'd have to follow his page to see it. Or I could tag you in it if I can find it again. I think he was just trying to gather info and see how people responded to it. You know Repubs would never in a zillion years go for it. And a lot of centrists would balk, too.

Brittany: Probably so. Still laughing at the people who thought Trump was going to be inaugurated 3 days ago. 🤣

Angela: Lol, right??? I don't even know wtf is wrong with these morons. Like... what did they put in that Koolaid??

Brittany: I don't either. Like people with a big following make shit up for clicks and these fuckwits eat it up.

Angela: I know. It's sad. But also pretty disgusting when you think about how much hate you have to have in your heart to fervently follow this stuff.

Brittany: Yeah. Even my far right sister doesn't get into these conspiracy theories because at least she isn't an idiot.

Angela: Right. Though, that has to put a bit of a rift between you and her.

Brittany: We don't follow each other here or talk often. That might be part of it, but we've never been super close.

Angela: Yeah, I get that.

I'm just glad he's gone. Trump, that is

Brittany: Sort of. The right wingers still love him though.

Angela: I know. It's gonna be a long time before we, as a nation, get over all of that. If we ever do.

Brittany: Like Reagan wasn't bad enough? They had to one up themselves?

Angela: Yep. And did they ever. And what's bad, is, as much as I'm relieved that Biden won, I'm already worried about what the next election will look like. I think I've just been so stressed and high strung for the past 4 years, idk how to relax into this.

Brittany: Yeah. And their hero can theoretically run again.

Angela: I know. Ugh. Idk why they haven't pressed charges against him yet, now that he's out of office. Throwing him in prison would solve that whole issue.

Brittany: That won't actually happen. And I don't say much about that happening since I'm really not here for the prison industrial complex in general.

Angela: No, I hear you. I know they're too scared of what will happen if they do. His followers are admittedly pretty violent.

I don't like our prison system, either.

Brittany: Yeah. Cheers to them not being smart enough to stage a successful coup though.

Angela: You got that right. *raises glass*

Brittany: Sometimes I wonder what the first woman I dated as a woman thinks these days. She seemed to start leaning right not long after we dated. I'm not seeking her out to ask, though. That one liked to drink my money and tell me everything that was wrong with me.

Angela: Yikes! Wtf???

Brittany: I don't bring her up a lot, but your recent relationship reminds of her, and I can see her getting sucked into all this weirdo right wing nonsense.

Angela: I will never understand the rightwing mindset. I've tried. But it all just comes down to state-sanctioned cruelty to me.

Ugh, gross. Glad that ended before it could get too fucked up. 😐

Brittany: Same. Almost 10 years ago now. Still causes lingering trust issues for me. Man, I've been on hormones a long time.

Angela: I'm pretty much Team Trish forever (as long as you're still happy, anyway).

Brittany: I don't see our relationship with each other or Kai ending any time soon.

Angela: Good. 😊

Well, girl, I better get off here. I got a hungry 5 yo to feed and I gotta get to the store for pet food, too.

Brittany: Ok, well, enjoy the rest of your night. 

Angela: Will do! You, too, hon!

Happy Post-Mothers' Day, Let's Get Therapy!

In which Brittany and Angela discuss doing nothing on Mothers' Day*, demi-sexuality, weird breakups with a poly support system, and why even therapists need therapy. 

*When there are multiple moms in the house, you know where the apostrophe goes. 

Brittany:  Still chatting today?

Angela:  I can if you can!

Brittany:  That's cool. I'm ignoring social media, but chatting for the blog is different.

Angela:  True. Have you gals done big Mother's Day stuffs?

Brittany:  We did some gifts. We're going out for dinner later, even though it'll be busy. Happy mothers' day, btw.  :)

Angela:  Thank you! Happy Mama's Day to you, too! We took my MIL out for breakfast at Golden Corral, and then we plan on getting Mexican for dinner after hubby gets off work, where I fully intend on having a margarita. Other than that, just chilling and abstaining from housework. 

Brittany:  Yeah. Haven't really done much housework either. Just being lazy for the most part, though I talked to my aunt earlier.

Angela:  Oh, that's nice. For the Quitclaim other connection and all.

Uhh...

Ok, let's try again

For the *mother connection

Wtf autocorrect

Brittany:  Lol. That autocorrect fail is pretty impressive.

Angela:  Right?? And probably could only happen to someone in the legal world who has been known to type "quitclaim deed" on occasion.  #legalasstproblems

Brittany:  I figured you were just messaging someone else, and sent it to the wrong person.

Angela:  Lol, nope.

Brittany:  I've done it. Thankfully nothing overtly sexual has been sent to the wrong person so far.

Angela:  My (female) coworker once accidentally sent a pretty lewd text to another (thankfully female) coworker. It was meant for her boyfriend. She was mortified, but really just relieved it didn't go to her boss. 😂

Brittany:  Lol

Angela:  But, so, your aunt is doing well, I assume?

Brittany:  Yeah. She seems pretty happy in AZ, even though she's from the north like basically everyone I'm related to. She was living in WI until recently.

Angela:  I don't think I could live in the Southwest, but if you like an arid climate and some pretty rad native desert art, it's pretty awesome.

Brittany:  I enjoyed my time out there last year, but wouldn't deal with the summer heat well at all.

Angela:  Right. Me neither. I think I told you about the month I lived in New Mexico when I was pregnant with my first... Worst. Month. Ever.

Brittany:  Yeah. Not the best time and place to be pregnant, I imagine. Though, I feel for anyone with similar timing here, too.

Angela:  Exactly. It was hot, everything felt dusty, all the roofs were flat everywhere (these are the weird things that bother you when you're hormonal, lol), it was hell. 😂

But yeah, Oklahoma summers suck ass, too. And are more humid.

Brittany:  I remember how dusty I felt when I got home. We had gone from NM to here in one day, and it was a lot hotter coming back.

Angela:  Ew

Brittany:  I got all these hugs and such, even though I had to smell terrible though.

Angela:  You know that's love. 😂

When was this?

Brittany:  I got back May something. Maybe the 8th, or right around then.

Angela:  Wait... this past week??

Brittany:  Last year.

Angela:  Oh, lmao. I was so confused!

Brittany:  Maybe I had some history of wandering when my mental state is sketchy, but I think I've outgrown it. I don't like the idea of wandering off from my family either.

Angela:  That's how you know they're your people.

Brittany:  True.

Angela:  Speaking of family, last time we talked, you mentioned being "demi-sexual." I know you had a recent breakup that was pretty hard on you. Do you think it was because of this orientation? And how did that affect your long-term partners?

Brittany:  I think that made it harder than it would've been otherwise. For me, I'm usually not going to sleep with someone unless I feel pretty stable about the connection. Wasn't feeling sexual at all for a while after that, but Trisha and Michelle understood, even if they were starting to get worried for a bit since me not being sexual with them is generally unusual.

Angela:  Idk if this is getting too personal, but do you feel like it affected your feelings toward them at all, even if just temporarily?

Brittany:  My trust basically disappeared for a little bit. I kind of struggle with believing people love me when they claim to anyway because I've had some experiences with words and actions not matching up. So it was hard on everyone.

Angela:  Sounds like it. But this, I imagine, is the advantage of a good, healthy poly relationship. They know you well enough, and are secure enough in themselves, to ride this out with you.

Brittany:  Yeah. I'm glad I have them in my life, and that things are as stable as they are.

Angela:  Do you feel like you're still reeling from that breakup?

Brittany:  A little. And today doesn't help. Still getting used to not having a mom on this day, and Cindy is a mom. I figured she'd be around today at some point, but that isn't happening.

Angela:  Ah, yeah, I understand.

Brittany:  I sort of feel things more intensely than most people. That's not helpful at all.

Angela:  Yeah. That makes it hard.

Brittany:  I really thought it going somewhere too, but clearly not.

Angela:  Right. I think, for anyone, it's so much more difficult to process when there didn't seem to be any reason for the breakup, when there didn't seem to be any real problems to blame it on.

That's just human nature, to try to understand why.

Brittany:  I guess I'm getting better, but it just opened a flood gate of all this other bullshit. That isn't her fault, but I'm kind of all over the place emotionally compared to normal.

Angela:  Right. I think that's also normal. As we get older, every new experience relates to past experiences in some way. We can't help but compare things, you know?

Brittany:  Yeah. I had everything so neatly packed away, but maybe I shouldn't do that. Going to call around for a therapist tomorrow, and go that route.

Angela:  That's a good idea. It can never hurt to get some pro perspective.

Brittany:  Yeah. Same thing I tell other people, but not so much myself before.

Angela:  Especially since you have to listen to other people's problems all day. You need some space to talk about and deal with your own.

Brittany:  Yeah. I can talk to Trisha and Michelle about things, and I do, but I think I need to talk to someone who does what I do, and I'm not in any kind of personal relationship with.

Angela:  Right. A totally neutral person. With training.

Brittany:  Yeah.

Angela:  I started seeing a therapist, too. There's just too much to deal with in the world. It's hard to process and respond to things in a healthy way.

Brittany:  Yeah, and it's not unusual for us to see each other, too, so I'm trying to not have hangups about it, or what certain parts of my mind might try to say about what it says about me professionally.

Angela:  Psh, it says you're self aware enough to recognize when you need to get in to see "the doctor" and not let things get out of hand. That means you know what you're doing.

Brittany:  Yeah. That's what the rational part of my mind and other people say, so I just try to listen to that. As opposed to the impostor syndrome part of my mind I deal with frequently.

Angela:  Yeah, I get that. But a surgeon can no more operate on herself as you can objectively counsel yourself. As you know. I get imposter syndrome, too (about writing, my day job, parenting, being a good social/environmental citizen, etc). I think most people do.

Brittany:  Yeah. Maybe not most, but it's common enough. Seems like I've always had a tendency to doubt myself almost as much as I doubt everyone else.

Angela:  It seems to be a pretty common thing with writers, at least. I know that.

Lol, that makes a lot of sense, actually.

Brittany:  Things to talk about with my future therapist lol

Angela:  (simultaneously) So it seems like trust issues are going to be a big topic in your therapy sessions.

Lol!

Brittany:  Yeah. There are a ton of ways to give someone trust issues.

Angela:  I think trust and control are at the base of most psychological issues.

Brittany:  True.

Angela:  Therapy is good, though. But it takes soooo loooooong.

Brittany:  Yeah. Most of my clients are pretty long term, save for court order situations where they just do enough for that, then disappear.

Angela:  Idk if it's like this with everyone, but it seems like it's taken me months just to get down to some real issues.

Brittany:  It varies. Some people know exactly what their issues are, like me, and some are a little more hazy.

I think for me, I just need someone neutral to help me process, and I'm not neutral. Neither is Michelle, obviously.

Angela:  Right, of course. Is Michelle a therapist, too? I think I remember you mentioning something like that.

Brittany:  Yeah. We met in grad school, actually.

Angela:  That's right. I remember now.

Brittany:  People comment about her age compared to mine sometimes, but I'm like "She wasn't the youngest I could've met in a place like grad school though, so whatever."

Angela:  How old is she again? Regardless, she's still a grown-ass woman, so whatever.

Brittany:  She just turned 29 last month.

Angela:  Oh she's almost 30. Y'all are fine. 🙄

Brittany:  Yeah. We'll never be in the same decade, but that's fine. It's not like I'm dating, say, a 19 year old, which would probably be a disaster.

Angela:  Agreed. I am sort of against our age group being with anyone with the word "teen" in their age. And I kind of think, once you hit your 30s, they should probably at least be old enough to drink. 😅

Brittany:  Same. At my age, a 19 year old doesn't look much different from a 15 year old, so it skeeves me out a little when I hear about some middle aged person, usually a man, dating someone who has been adult for 5 minutes, usually a woman.

Like, just buy a red convertible dude.

Angela:  Exactly. Plus, um... my eldest son is 21 now, so yeah...

Lol, right???

You can't emotionally scar a sport car

Brittany:  Yeah. Though my dad is 70, and has a car like that. I remember him saying "AOC is interesting to look at" but that he doesn't like her when he was probably drunk on his birthday. Gross. That's when I left lol

Angela:  Lol, yeah ew.

Brittany:  That's 51 years. 41. I like to think it was just the booze talking since he's never said that in front of me before, but who knows.

Angela:  That's way too many years. 😳

Brittany:  Yeah. We're 41 right now.

Angela:  Exactly. AOC is in her 20s.

Brittany:  29. We watched Knock Down the House on Netflix last night, so I remember specifically from that.

Angela:  That's right. I want to be her when I grow up.

Brittany:  I don't think I could tolerate being in politics, let alone running for election.

Angela:  Well, ok, I don't want to do her JOB, but if I could be her with all her energy and education and brains and then just be an activist or something? That would be frackin' cool.

Brittany:  Same. At 29, I wasn't particularly remarkable, or really even stable.

Angela:  Same. I mean... I might have been stable-ish mentally, but I get negative points for horrible taste in men, a terribly overactive savior complex, and lack of personal motivation.

Brittany:  Seems like my taste in men was shitty, too, maybe because I didn't know I was lesbian at the time.

Angela:  Lol, right? You can't really blame yourself for not knowing how to pick good men when you were messing with the entirely wrong demographic. 😂

Brittany:  Yeah. At least I have relatively good taste in women.

Angela:  You seem to have excellent taste there.

Brittany:  I managed to go from 2011 to 2019 without any bad romantic choices. Here's to hopefully more than another 8 years.

Angela:  🥂

Love Doesn't Divide. It Multiplies

Polyamory (from Greek πολύ poly, "many, several", and Latin amor, "love") is the practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships with more than one partner, with the knowledge of all partners. It has been described as "consensual, ethical, and responsible non-monogamy.

I italicized some words there for a reason. If you are fucking and/or dating someone behind your partner's back, that isn't polyamory. That's you being a cheating shit.

I am in a polyamorous relationship with the 2 women who have become the loves of my life, Trisha and Michelle. I met Trisha at a job selling computers years ago. We started seeing each other casually, and it wasn't long before we made it a formal relationship and moved in together as a family of 4 (she has 2 daughters, who I love as much as if they were my own, from a previous relationship) in 2012. While we always had an open relationship, neither of us really met anyone we got serious with for quite a while. I met Michelle 4 days into starting graduate school for our Master's degrees in counseling psychology in 2015 (we are both mental health professionals now). She actually asked me to come smoke with her between classes. I had quit before then, but went with her anyway. She saw me texting Trisha. It was obvious enough to her that I was texting a romantic partner, so she asked if we were monogamous. The answer being no, we went out on a couple dates and casual encounters, which quickly became dates and casual encounters for all 3 of us. The casual thing seems to be the default for all of us. We're shamelessly slutty like that. It went on that way for about a year before the 3 of us made the well thought out decision to make it a more formal relationship and live our lives together.

Communication and boundaries are key in any relationship, and that much more so as the number of people increases. We didn't get serious about our relationship on a whim. If you open up a relationship or want to bring someone else into a relationship, it requires conversations and boundary setting. What people want varies. It may be casual sex with other people only, it may be one partner having a serious relationship with someone else, more than 2 partners in a closed group (not seeing anyone outside the group), an open group like us (though we're introverted and aren't actively looking for anything beyond what we currently have, so it's mostly theoretical), etc. If you jump into it without communicating and coming up with something that works for everyone involved, and working through any unexpected feelings that come up, it's probably going to start to become unhealthy fairly quickly and wind up failing to work out.

My family and friends, those of my partners', and the girls' father have always been fine with it. I think everyone just expects lifelong weirdos like us to do unconventional shit. Other people respond to the knowledge of poly relationships in a variety of ways. I've had someone say it's "pimp." No honey. Pimping is a type of profession. I'm not profiting from this, although the triple income situation comes in handy when it comes to bills. A lot of people assume we're kinky. We are, which I could and might make an entire blog entry about in the future, but not all poly people are kinky, and not all monogamous people are vanilla. Some wonder, why be in a relationship at all if not monogamous? Why do anything? Because it makes us happy and we help each other grow as people. Some sort of exoticize it. It isn't very exotic in our case. We're like any other family, working jobs, helping the girls with homework when they need it, having dinner together, taking care of pets and the house, laughing together, etc. The only difference from most families is there are 3 moms. Reactions from the general public are minimal. People see a small group of women together, assume heterosexuality, and think we're friends. Most people aren't very imaginative, with the occasional exception of some pervy man creep seeing us showing affection and wanting a free show or to get in on it. Really, men. How many times have you harassed women on the street and actually got some ass? If common decency is really so foreign to you, maybe just give up for practical reasons? For that reason, and to minimize dealing with people's biases and stupid questions in general, we have to be somewhat careful where we show a lot of affection.

Our relationship isn't just 3 people together. We also have one on one relationships with each other, though that's the bulk of it. Michelle and I have things we do together. Same with Michelle and Trisha, and Trisha and I. We also make time just for ourselves. Like I said before, we're introverts. Of course, feelings of jealousy can come up, but that will happen sooner or later in any relationship. Communicating about feelings and respecting boundaries make all the difference. You have to talk. Mind games and vaguebooking don't do anyone any good. Polyamory isn't for the passive aggressive. It isn't healthy in a monogamous relationship, either. Trisha, Michelle, and I pretty much have our boundaries and communication down. We've been together. We feel what a lot of poly people call compersion, which is basically the opposite of jealousy. For instance when I see pleasure being shared between my partners, it brings me joy, not anger or anxiety.

Polyamory isn't for everyone, and that's fine. Monogamy is perfectly valid, but just because something is popular, doesn't mean it's the only valid way of doing things. What I described in this post is just our particular relationship. It isn't meant to be an instruction manual, though some basics, like communication and boundaries, are important however you want to manage your relationship.

If you're curious about or considering consensual non-monogamy or polyamory, these books are good for newcomers to learn more about it:

Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships

The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures