2020 Is Terrible Except When It Isn't

 Sorry I haven't blogged in over a year. Your mom was here.

Just kidding. She wasn't here because of the goddamn coronavirus. Most of this year has been bizarre to watch and experience. I correctly figured in the event of a crisis, there would be a lack of any effective leadership, which would intensify and prolong the crisis. And here we are winning the global pandemic game day after day, month after month in a country full of so many entitled, idiotic people that we're finding ourselves in the midst of the dumbest culture war imaginable; pro-mask versus anti-mask. Instead of speaking up against and making an effort to actually do something about, say, racial, economic, and environmental injustice, the loudest people are crying a river over the thought of wearing masks in public to slow down community spread of a potentially deadly virus. You can really see the privilege showing when a bunch of white guys can't deal with being told to wear a mask. Too much body policing for those who have been policing everyone else's bodies since fucking forever, I guess. Poor guys. That must be hard. #ThoughtsAndPrayers. There is no functional national leadership, as Trump is at best of average intelligence, and only actually cares about his position of power and that of the corrupt individuals he surrounds himself with.

Not that corruption in capitalism and government is a new thing. It's just more blatant right now. Collectively speaking, we deserve this shit. We abuse this planet for profit as if we have a backup planet to abuse, which we do not (FYI). We abuse each other for stupid reasons, greed and bigotry being among the most common of those reasons, hence the need for the Black Lives Matter movement.

I know I'm among many when I point out that watching everything crumble around me has a negative impact on my mental health. I'm prone to depression anyway. I always have been, but it's been a more frequent struggle lately. Seeing an increase in senseless tragedy takes it's toll. Social media makes it worse, so I'm taking a break from that. This may be posted during that break (though maybe after if it sits here unfinished for a week or something before I complete it), but most likely it'll be linked by AV on the Becoming Brittany Facebook page, since she's better at adding little comments and engaging with our little handful of followers. It's definitely taking a toll on most of my clients as well. Quarantine and endlessly seeing clients online instead of in person is a problem for me. I miss my office, but I have some level of privilege being able to keep my job and salary intact, and simply changing the logistics of how I work. Some people I know have lost their jobs entirely. Some have lost tons of money because they had to shut down their businesses for a while. Some opened back up sooner than they would have preferred because they need to eat and pay the rent/mortgage. Hopefully none get sick and die. No one I know has gotten sick and failed to recover so far, but many people I don't know have. But hey. fOr ThE eCoNoMy!! 

For me personally, it's been a mix of good and bad, but depression and boredom with quarantine aside, at least I have a great family to be quarantined with. Odds are very low that any of us is going to go full on The Shining on the others. I've even met someone new romantically. Not really "new." We've been Facebook friends for something like 8 or 9 years, which is close the entire existence of my account. Mostly I'm too nervous and inclined to believe I'm undesirable (thanks to feeling like I'm "raped goods" and generally feeling like I'll never be woman enough)  to even tell people I'm into them without prior knowledge of them being into me, but she posted something, and I was feeling more courageous or something that day. It turns out there is a  mutual attraction and we're both polyamorous. Long distance dating and video dating (we live several hours apart) are totally new to me, but it seemed a good time to consider trying. The relationship is still in it's early stages of development, but I'm glad I brought up the nearly decade old crush in a Facebook comment. My insecurities and abandonment issues (which I'm not going into on a post that's really only meant to provide an update on my life with a little commentary on current events) are making themselves known, as they often do during the early stages, but she seems to have the patience for it. It's a rare treat that I find someone who is a good fit for me intellectually, morally, personality-wise, AND can deal with my neurotic bullshit. And she's pretty cute too. She's also a published poet, which I think is awesome. Her book is here. I'll include a photo of a poem she sent me in the mail because I like it. Of course any new relationship comes with a certain amount of uncertainty, which so NOT something I'm super adept at dealing with, but I think it's going well so far. I hope to visit soon since it's only a few hours from here to there, an area that hasn't been hit too hard by the Covid. 

This year has forced me to do some in-depth self examination/improvement, if nothing else, because it's either do that or give up and finally break down irreparably. With any luck, maybe I can reach the other side of this more confident, less distrustful, and better at communicating openly and vulnerably with those around me. As it is, I have a hard time understanding why it is exactly that those who care for me actually do. I find it hard to ask, but whatever those reasons may be for different people, they help me navigate my messy mind when I actually open up to them.

This entry almost feels out of place here. Normally I try to keep it pretty focused on the trans and queer aspects of my life, or at least connect that to what I'm writing about. Then again, I mentioned dating, and any mention of dating from me is always queer because I'm lesbian as fuck. I'd promise to write more frequently, but 2020 is a major distraction. I'll write when I get to it, which should happen eventually. That could easily be in 2021, but hey. Maybe I'll be a more improved version of myself then. If society could improve at least somewhat collectively, that would be rad as fuck. I'm not holding my breath though. We'll see.

Remember, Black Lives Matter and dump Trump in November. 

Face It, Your Son is a Dyke

Relationships are hard.  Sometimes, relationships with your own family can be the hardest of all.  And right now, Brittany is thinking to herself, "she said 'hard.'"  I'm glad we could have this chat.

June 6, 2012

Kayla:  Hey lady! So, what's been goin' on?

Brittany:  Nothing heavy really.  My mood is better now, etc.

Kayla:  That's good. I was starting to get worried about you.

Brittany:  It happens. I've always dealt with depression spells. Less frequent now since I'm happy, but still possible.

Kayla:  That sucks. Did anything in particular happen to set it off this time?

Brittany:  Not really. Just happened... other than luck of sleep possibly.

Kayla:  Yeah, that'll do it. I get weird if I don't get enough sleep, too.

Brittany:  I don't even know what happened. I never have trouble sleeping with Trisha in the bed. I sure did that night, though. The whole next day I had that cracked out feeling like after you've been tweaking a little too long and are coming down. So maybe that triggered it.

Kayla:  Ugh. Glad you finally crashed, though.

Brittany:  Yeah. Trisha was fucking awesome about that. She just told me to take some of my pills and go to sleep, and she'd take care of the shit I normally do.

Kayla:  That's awesome.

Brittany:  Yeah. I found the right woman apparently.

Kayla:  So how is life in hormone-land?

Brittany:  Hormones are good. I'm on max doses now. Have been for about a month, I guess.
More tit development. Still small, but at least I look good in a spaghetti strap.

Kayla:  Lol! That's true. It does definitely seem to be more noticeable now.

When you maxed out the dose, did it mess with you any? Mood swings or weight issues or anything?

Brittany:  I eat and work out about the same as always, so not really.  I'm pretty much happy with my weight. Stepping it up gradually probably keeps side effects down.

Kayla:  Yeah, probably. And are you still doing the voice exercises?

Brittany:  Yeah. It's getting easier than before, but still something I have to be consciously aware of, or I go to pretty close to my normal voice.

Kayla:  Do you ever practice with Trisha?   (that image is just too cute in my head)

Brittany:  Kind of. Mostly after practicing by myself. It's kind of a daytime thing.  And I'm glad to have her and the girls.

I still haven't talked to my dad in however many weeks. I'm in and out of touch with my mom. She'll get over it before my dad.

Kayla:  Yeah... I was going to get around to that one... what happened there, exactly? (or... even vaguely)

Brittany:  He went out of the country with his wife for like 3 weeks, so we watched his dog, which he pays me for. When they came to get her, I was wearing a spaghetti and was obviously with Trisha. He looked at me kinda weird, gave me the dog money, and left without saying much.

Kayla:  Ok... then what? Did you get in an argument about it later or something?

Brittany:  Nope. Nothing really. All was left unsaid. Though when I was at Crystal's baby shower, my sister was having a housewarming party later that night. We were gonna go, but then I got the text saying, "Make yourselves presentable. You know what I mean. And don't be so affectionate."

Kayla:  That. Is. Asinine. So, you in a spaghetti-strap shirt, arms around your girlfriend, isn't presentable enough?

Brittany:  Well, she was just sitting on the couch when he came over anyway, but when we do go out, there's a lot of PDA. But that's my partner. That's the way it is. She isn't that conventional in appearance either and it's like it was pretty acceptable when I came out as a "gay man" years ago, but now I'm a transwoman. I can say I'm bi all I want, but lets face it, I'm a dyke.

Kayla:  Oh... they didn't have issues with your PDA when you were a "boy" with a boy?

Brittany:  They didn't meet many boyfriends. Most of my involvements with men were always casual, go home in the morning.

Kayla:  Ah. It sounds (to me, just based on this) that they're ok with "whatever" as long as they don't actually have to see it and deal with it in person.

Brittany:  I guess. It was kind of that way when I came out trans. No visible results at first, but then it started getting real, I guess.

Kayla:  That sounds about right... sounds like your people are pretty non-confrontational... like they might avoid the issue entirely rather than deal with an argument or whatever.

Brittany:  My parents are, yeah. Maybe they know better than to argue with me. I'm really really good at it.

There was that point, I think, where people expected me to be a gay man with my mannerisms or whatever. I convinced myself of that for a while.

Kayla:  I was going to ask you about that, too. I, of course, thought you were gay way-back-when as well. But, were you ever really attracted to men the way you are women?

Brittany:  Not really. I just had no interest in women as a man. I might have had some interest in men, but never really took that seriously. It was just fun mostly. And it's easy to get men. Anyone can can get men. It was a good way to get laid, pimpin' and shit at Majestic.

Kayla:  So, then, your sexuality really didn't fully express itself until you made peace with the idea that you're trans...

Brittany:  Pretty much. It's like "coming out" again. Twice even.

Kayla:  Ha! I guess it is!  But, this time it's for real. At least for your family.

Brittany:  But hey, that's the way it is. I'm who I am.

Kayla:  Well, they'll just have to get used to it, I suppose.

How do you feel about how they've handled this lately?

Brittany:  Too bad for them... and maybe that contributes to the depression. I don't know for sure.

Kayla:  I suppose it's an obvious assumption (because who wouldn't), but do you think you're dealing with feeling abandoned or rejected... and maybe not really dealing with it? Seems like depression often comes when we're not really looking at something... for me, anyway.

Brittany:  Yeah. I said that to Trisha and Carmen at different points, so I know I have freshly created abandonment issues.

Kayla:  It's normal. It would be better if you and your folks could just talk about it. But I get the feeling they're not really up for that.

Brittany:  I doubt it. I think they want things their way. Their way isn't gonna happen.

Kayla:  No, it isn't. And that's something THEY should have to deal with.

Brittany:  Right.

Kayla:  It's not like you're telling them you don't love them anymore.

Brittany:  I know.

Kayla:  And that's the worst thing about these kinds of things... people have such a need to control the actions and lifestyles of other people. If they could grow up and realize that their identity does not have to be tied to your identity--that who you are doesn't change who they are--they could deal with this a whole lot better.

Brittany:  I know. Maybe I'll use that line sometime.

Kayla:  It's easier to think of this stuff when it isn't you that's going through it.

Have you spoken to your sister since the "be presentable" message?

Brittany:  A little. She has no issue herself, but we're not really close. We just kinda see each other in passing.

Kayla:  Yeah, I understand. Hmmm... well, what will you do? Are you going to bring the issue up or wait for them to?

Brittany:  I'll just wait for them, I think. I'm sort of starting to come to terms with it, and I have my own family to tend to now.

Kayla:  Yes. Priorities. Your elders can take care of themselves. They'll grow up in their own time or they won't. You just do what's best for you.

And keep talking. Don't bottle stuff up. That shit'll eat you alive.

Brittany:  Face it. Your son is a dyke. Like, really, a dyke.

Kayla:  I want that on a bumper sticker.

Brittany:  Sort of saying that in my head, not to you.

Kayla:  Lmao! I assumed so! (but who knows... he could be...)

Boxes

I don’t think it’s particularly constructive to spend a great deal of time putting people in boxes like someone with obsessive-compulsive disorder stacks pennies, nickels, dimes, and quarters in individual towers from left to right, according to value. I’m not really going to demonize people for trying to put me in boxes, given the fact that they spend at least as much time doing it to themselves and each other, but I feel as though I’m probably more sensitive and resistant to it than average.

The problem with the boxes we all create is they don’t always make as much sense as they appear to at first. Things that have nothing to do with each other get put into the same box. Either/or thinking excludes everything between ‘either’ and ‘or.’ Half the time ‘either’ and ‘or’ aren’t even opposites to begin with. Gender identity and sexual preference are constantly abused in this way.

If you’re a heterosexual woman, you’re expected to be exclusively into men. Lesbians are expected to be exclusively into other women. It works the same way if you’re male. Bisexuals are assumed to be confused,  greedy, or not half way out of the closet.  In reality, all of this is fairly fluid, subject to countless variables. I really only identify as someone who does whatever I want, but that’s just too confusing for most people. I don’t tend to refer to myself as “gay,” “straight” “bisexual,” or “lesbian” for any other reason than the convenience of others. Sometimes I’m guilty of using black and white terminology to end boring conversations.

If you’re physically transitioning from one sex to the other, a lot of people just take that to mean that you’re also becoming heterosexual, and even that heterosexuality is a primary motivation. My primary attractions are to men. That’s just how I roll. It isn’t written in stone somewhere. I didn’t sign any documents.  If I express attraction to another woman, let alone act on it, some people act like I just shot at them. It’s hilarious sometimes. If anything, there has been some increased fluidity in who I'm attracted to since beginning hormone therapy. Increased. Not new so much.  A lot of things I’m more sensitive to now aren’t really so specific to other people’s genders. And those things were there before all this to some degree or another. The fact that my sexuality in general isn’t totally one-dimensional is something I enjoy. An increased openness to experience is also something I enjoy. Plus, it gives me something to do.

As someone transitioning from male to female, I’m expected to be almost a caricature of the stereotypical, hyper-feminine woman,  as if that’s all it means to be a woman. Yeah, because that’s why I’m spending thousands of dollars doing all this--because I care so intensely what everyone thinks of me, and just want to “perform” that much more efficiently. Ironically, transgender people are big offenders in this area. If that’s who you really are, great, but I think a lot of people are probably trying to make up for lost time and end up overcompensating, not understanding why I don’t do the same.

For instance, I usually use makeup pretty much the same way most other women who wear makeup use it. I’m a jeans girl. I don’t have a dress and heels on every time I leave the house. I’m not demur. I’m not submissive unless I want to be (sometimes, but this sort of thing could be a whole separate blog entry). I don’t defer to men when I want to do something. I pack heat and happen to be a good shot. I’m good at math. I’m a computer geek. I love gory movies. I like to fuck in inappropriate places. I’m still me, just more so than I was before starting this process.

Gender is at the core of who we are. A sense of our gender and the genders of everyone around us is one of the first things people develop. Most people never have to spend a great deal of time thinking about or questioning it. But if your body doesn’t match with your brain, you will think about it a lot. My transition is not motivated by my sexuality or a desire to perform some stereotypical role. It’s something I need to do to become fully me, instead of half of me.