Chat: Life After Loss, Women in Politics, and VAGINA DAY!

In which Brittany and Angela discuss "the wall," Brittany's picks for prez, family dynamics, and VD, not necessarily in that order. 

Brittany:  So many distractions over the last couple weeks we meant to chat.

Angela:  I know! How have things been going?

Brittany:  Pretty well. I was on the phone with my aunt earlier (mom's older sister). We never really used to be in touch, but ever since my mom died, we talk every Sunday.

Angela:  Oh wow, that's great! What kinds of things do you normally talk about?

Brittany:  Random shit mostly. What's going on in our lives, weather, etc.

Angela:  That's good to have that connection, I'm sure. To be able to talk to someone who was also a part of your mom since she passed.

Brittany:  Yeah. She's really the only non-local family I talk to regularly.

Angela:  Reminds me that I need to call my uncle. Haven't talked to him since Christmas. But he and I are trying to keep it going since my aunt died.

Brittany:  Yeah. It's easy to lose touch with people. She's also the only person I really call. I'm more of a text person.

Angela:  I think that part can be hard... the re-connecting to people after your "connection person" passes.

Brittany:  Yeah. And it's so easy to get distracted by whatever is going on in life.

Angela:  Exactly. Especially if you live far away from each other so you don't have much chance to connect in person. 😕
Is your aunt married?

Brittany:  No. She was a long time ago, but never re-married. She has an adult daughter in Wisconsin, where she lived until recently deciding to go to Arizona.

Angela:  So, like my uncle, she's basically alone.

 Brittany:  Yeah. She seems to like it that way though.

Angela:  That's good. Generalizing here, but I think women do better at being alone than most men.

There are obviously exceptions.

Brittany:  Maybe. Everyone on my mom's side seemed to do alright alone, including me.

Obviously I'm happy in my current relationship, but it rarely bothered me much when I was single for so long.

Angela:  But you're a girl. So that makes sense with what I was saying. 🙂

Brittany:  I suppose that's true.

Angela:  But obviously there are men who prefer to be alone. I'm probably just projecting because I worry about my uncle being a widower after being married for so long.

Brittany:  I know my dad seems to have trouble being alone. If his wife isn't around for some reason, I usually hear from him.

Angela:  Yeah. Also, men tend to remarry or get involved in another relationship faster, after a long term thing ends. But, you know, #notallmen

Brittany:  Lol

Angela:  Do you and your aunt talk about your mom much?

Brittany:  We did at first, but not so much lately. Her former bf/my friend talks about her a lot.

Angela:  That's good. Memories are important. So what have you and your family been up to lately? I know you had that unfortunate snafu with the dog.

Brittany:  Yeah. We went to eat at Olive Garden Friday. We game a lot on weekends too. Now Trisha and Michelle are out shopping, which I totally hate doing. The girls are at their dad's until later today.

What have you guys been up to?

Angela:  When you say game, do you mean video or board?

Brittany:  Mostly video. We're all nerds that way. Card Against Humanity is always fun though. And Risk.

My dad normally comes over about once a week, but he's in Vegas until later this month.

Angela:  Michael plays video games, and we at least used to play a lot of board games. But we went to that board game cafe, Shuffles, for his birthday a few weeks ago. That was fun.

Brittany:  Yeah. I keep meaning to check that place out, but then I see something shiny and get distracted.

Angela:  It got hard to play board games with the baby needing so much attention. We could probably play more now that he's got a semi-regular bedtime, we just keep getting distracted by other things. Like Netflix, haha.

Lol, right?

Brittany:  I love my dad, and will be happy to see him when he gets back, but I kind of enjoy the little breaks from arguing politics.

Angela:  Shiny things pretty much lead me around by the nose.

Oh, ugh, yeah I can see that. He's pretty conservative, right?

Brittany:  Maybe him too. My sister and her husband are pretty conservative too, though not like crazy. Except we were out eating downtown a little before Thanksgiving, and my sister said something to her daughter about Trump "keeping us safe." Puked in my mouth a little.

Angela:  😮 I don't think I've ever felt LESS safe.

Brittany:  My mom was always more liberal. I miss that sometimes.

Same.

Angela:  And I'm just a white girl. People don't think about what it's like for everyone who isn't a white cis person. People are fucking terrified right now!

Brittany:  Yeah. They're all white cis het too, so it can be hard to make them see certain things.

Angela:  But what do you and your dad normally argue about? Are there specific political issues, or is it just everything in general?

Brittany:  Trump's wall is the biggest thing lately. And he doesn't like Elizabeth Warren much, so that's probably coming, since she's like my dream POTUS.

Angela:  The wall is a big issue for a lot of people. I wish it wasn't. It's a stupid waste of time, attention, and money. But the Right is fixated on it.

Brittany:  And maybe AOC someday, but she's too young to run for a while, which is funny in a way. As long as you're at least 35 and US born, you can be the biggest fuckwit ever, and totally be president. Obviously.

Angela:  I know. AOC is amazing. But it's good to see what she can shake up in Congress. We need strong people like her there.

Brittany:  Yeah, and I'm super sick of the man show, so I'm all about more strong women getting to be in power.

Angela:  Definitely!

Brittany:  But yeah. A wall wouldn't work, and I don't like the imagery of becoming some medieval fucking fortress.

Angela:  I'm still a Bernie girl because I think he's the most genuine with his policies, but Warren is good, too. I do wish she'd left that Native American thing alone. It's a distraction we do not need right now.

100% agree

Brittany:  Not to mention if Mexicans were white, we wouldn't even be talking about walls.

Angela:  Also 100% yes.

Brittany:  Yeah. I don't know why she took Trump's bait. He got her on that one.

I don't see it costing her much if she wins the primary though.

Angela:  I think I read that Canadians are the most likely to overstay their visas than anyone else, but we're not trying to build a wall against Canada.

Oh no, if she wins the primary, I will be ALL WARREN, ALL THE TIME. 

I know some progressives are all hot for Tulsi Gabbard, but I don't see her getting far. Her past is just too icky.

Brittany:  Yeah. And I was really hoping Warren would run last time. I lover her and Bernie roughly equally, but the whole man show thing kind of sways me.

Part of me wants to overstay my visa in Canada. I don't have one, but still.

Angela:  I understand. I don't have those same issues with Bernie specifically, but otherwise yes. If it isn't Bernie, I hope it's Warren or Kamala.

SAME!

I could totally pass for Canadian, I think.

Brittany:  I mean, where I'm from isn't even that far south of there, so close enough. lol

Angela:  I lived up north long enough that I could fake the accent.

Exactly! I mean, dat's true, eh?

Brittany:  I still have enough MN accent that people notice sometimes, but it's definitely pretty watered down at this point.

Angela:  You been here too long. You're at least half Okie now.

Brittany:  Yeah. Feminist dyke whore with super progressive opinions. Ton of fun.

Angela:  Lol! You fit like a fish out of water!

Brittany:  So do you I guess, at least politically. You're probably the closest match in that dept I know who doesn't live in the same house I do.

Angela:  Lol! Awww... thanks! 😊

Oh hey, VD's coming up. Do you and your lady-loves enjoy VD? (That's Valentine's Day, for all you sickos out there!)

Brittany:  Yeah. It's Vagina Day for us sickos. We usually eat a big home cooked meal by me and do the gift thing.

No anniversaries on major restaurant days, so it's easier to go out then, and not wait an hour.

Angela:  Vagina Day! Lol, yes!

I think we're actually foregoing VD this year. But we focus more on our anniversary (which isn't til October) and birthdays, anyway.

But I have friends all over the spectrum on this one. Some people swear off Valentine's Day like the plague, and some of my people think it's the best day on the calendar.

Brittany:  My anniversary with Trisha is Feb 19. All of us together is in the spring.

Angela:  Oh, that's so close! Fun!

Brittany:  Yeah. We were spending time together on actual V Day 2012, but became formal shortly after.

Angela:  Well, like you said, skip the crowds that way. 😉

Brittany:  Yeah. Michelle is sort of crowd friendly, but Trisha and I are SO NOT.

Angela:  Lol! That's cute, the dynamic.

Brittany:  Michelle goes out with friends more than Trisha and I combined lol

Angela:  Hey, speaking of crowd friendly, you and I (or your and your girls and I, whatever) need to get together sometime soon. I haven't set eyes on your physical person in an age, it feels like.

Brittany:  Yeah. It's been a long time. Maybe something at your house or ours.

Wanted to chat for writing ideas. Think I have a couple potential ones from this chat.

Angela:  That would be fun. Or take turns for both!

Hey... random side note... can I still not buy wine on Sunday?

Brittany:  I think you probably can at the supermarket, but I'm not sure. Liquor stores still can't be open on Sunday unless a bill gets created and passes. If wine is all you want, I'd say just call first and ask. (This is why Brittany is the brains of the operation.)

Angela:  Ok, I'll work on getting this up in the next day or two. (I'm pretty sure Vagina Day is making it's way into the title). You let me know when you write your next blog post.

Brittany:  I will. Probably this weekend since it falls in between relationship celebrations.

Angela:  And I'll try to find a big vagina-ey flower to post with the chat. 🌺

Brittany:  Totally fits me. 😁

Lol. Already created a document with title and first sentence. I'll leave that out of the chat, though, to create suspense.

Angela:  Just like a writer... >.> *suspense deepens*

Brittany:  Well, let me know when you have the chat up. And have a fun Vagina Day 🙂

Angela:  I definitely will. And you do the same. 😉

Brittany:  Will do. Talk to you soon. 🙂

Life After Death

I'm restarting this blog, unfortunately, on a somber note. My mother died on January 10, 2018 at age 63, which is also why it took me so long to write after the chat between Kayla and I was posted.

My mother and I had a complicated relationship throughout my younger years. I was a handful to say the least, and she had an occasional tendency to become verbally abusive at times, whether it was directed at me, my sister, or an inanimate object. Any number of things could set her off. Spilled drink, a little attitude, bad day, whatever. There are many ways to be verbally abusive, some subtle, some blatant. She has an issue with explosive anger, possibly partially resulting from her own unacknowledged mental health struggles. As wrong as it is to be screaming at children hysterically over the smallest offense, she was usually very caring and supportive. We managed to stay close regardless.

My anxiety began to show up at a young age. I remember being 9 or 10 years old, and pretending to be sick because I had intrusive thoughts (common enough with anxiety disorders) that something would happen to her if I left, as if I could somehow stop anything by being there at that age. Social anxiety also showed up pretty early on. I was never really afraid of family or people I knew well, but other people were, and still sometimes are, a source of anxiety. Whether any of this relates to that complex relationship with my mother (and father, but this isn't about him) is hard to say, but it's very much possible.

In my adult life, things improved drastically. She was always one of my biggest supporters. She didn't really mind how unconventional I was and am. She was fine with the whole visibly punk/goth thing I had going on for a while. When I told her I was trans, she accepted it with minimal struggle. My polyamorous relationship with Trisha and Michelle was just seen as another interesting thing about how I live life. My partners, daughters, and her got along very well. We'd all hang out, go to dinner, watch shows on Netflix. If I needed her support, she was there.

On December 31, 2017, I was with Bae 1, Bae 2 (what I sometimes call Trisha and Michelle, respectively) and my best friend Lindsey in Dallas celebrating my birthday week, when I received a text from my mom, who was in the hospital for seemingly mild issues at the time, saying she had liver cancer, having already survived breast cancer.

The first couple times I visited she seemed alright, but then she picked up pneumonia. After a few days of that, I got a call on January 6 from someone who was visiting and from her doctors saying she was moved to intensive care, to come as quickly as I could, and asking about her DNR (Do Not Resuscitate order). When I got there and met up with her boyfriend, she was conscious, but her vitals were all over the place, and she had a breathing mask on, helping her breathe, but not doing it for her. She was confused, had always been claustrophobic, and kept trying to take it off despite us telling her not to every few seconds. They finally put the mitten things on her hands so she couldn't grab the mask. That made it worse. This went on for several hours. She was panicking constantly, making her vitals even worse. I've never seen someone I care about suffer like that. Finally after about 7 hours in the hospital with her, she was on the right anxiety medication to be calm with fairly stable, though not ideal, vitals. That was the last time I saw her properly conscious. Knowing what was coming, I brought the tablet in to watch the one episode of Broadchurch we hadn't seen on January 9, even though I knew she couldn't perceive it, and I'm totally not usually that sentimental. That was her last night alive. The next day my sister made it into town. We decided to put her on comfort care, since she was obviously not going to wake up, and never wanted sustained life support (I don't want that either). All that means is they stopped the breathing machine and drips, and gave her morphine so she wouldn't be in pain. She died 15 minutes later, peacefully. Fortunately, it was nothing like January 6.

At the beginning of the time-frame above, there seemed to be some hope. Cancer appeared to be discovered early (turned out it was stage 4). She was lucid when I called and visited her. When they moved her to intensive care, they called, obviously thinking she was about to die. When, I went up there and met up with her boyfriend, she was so confused, and panicking non-stop for hours, I stayed until 2 or 3 hours after she became stable. It stuck with me. I had barely been eating anyway because I tend not to eat when stressed. I was also dehydrated, and began having panic attacks of my own anytime the phone rang, thinking it was her doctors. With no other history of hallucinations, I'd hear the phone ring even when it wasn't. All of those things resulted in me going to the hospital, thankfully only for about a day. My depression and anxiety are usually "high functioning," and I can usually remain super rational to the point of coming across as cold. When I can't, it's an event. Those icy layers break. My anxiety spikes. I get depressed and can't motivate myself enough to do anything. Those were the first panic attacks I've had in years.

It's still hard. Losing a close loved one is difficult, and losing a parent is even more difficult. Grief takes time, but it gradually gets better. Fortunately I have a great support system. My partners, daughters, friends, father, sister, and aunt (mother's older sister, who stayed at my house for a few days while she was here) helped a lot. My partners have been really affectionate, and everyone has been there for me when needed, and been willing to give me space when needed. My mom donated some of her body to science, which I sort of find comfort in. I'm all about science, also a donor, and maybe a little good can be done after death that way. I have an urn above the fireplace, along with another meant to go to my sister next time my dad goes to visit her in the southwest, and a box for my aunt to scatter up north. My mom's boyfriend, who has another dog of his own, also asked if I wanted her dog, Bo. I said yes. He's kind of goofy and entertaining. He joins 2 other dogs and 2 cats, but stands out because of his personality, and seems as happy being part of this family as the others. Maybe it's kind of a silver lining that I get to take over the love and care of this dog she loved so much.