Things Change

“I want to taste glory in each day, and never be afraid to experience pain; and never shut myself up in a numb core of nonfeeling, or stop questioning and criticizing life and take the easy way out. To learn and think: to think and live; to live and learn: this always, with new insight, new understanding, and new love.” –Sylvia Plath

In some ways I guess I’m becoming more obnoxious and more militant about who I am and having the right to be who I am. I used to be a very reserved, even shy, individual. I missed out on a lot of life, good and bad things. I guess I wasn’t particularly proud of who I was as a person. I was watching myself do things almost as sort of a mildly uninterested outside observer. I was usually fairly numb. I didn’t allow myself to feel much of anything substantial, as I wasn’t “me,” so why bother?

Things have changed. Sometimes I feel like I wasted over 3 decades of my life. I don’t want to waste a 4th. With the physical and emotional changes that come with making good progress on my transition, I’ve gradually become considerably more comfortable with myself. Maybe I’m overcompensating somewhat. I want to experience life as much as I can, and I do. I feel everything very intensely or not at all. I prefer the former these days.

I came very close to ending my life when I deliberately overdosed in the summer of 2010. I think that’s when I realized I needed to either really live or quit wasting my time and give it a better shot. Now I do what I want. I run my own business. I feel no obligation to “mainstream.” I have kinky sex. I fuck like a wild animal. Sometimes I drink a little too much or do too many drugs. I don’t apologize for it. I’m responsible. I’m an adult. I’m very open about all of that. I owe no apologizes for simply living my life. How conventional or unconventional things are is of very little concern to me. I’m emotional. I’m very compassionate and very passionate. I’m very loving, and also very bitchy. I can tell you I love you and say fuck you in one sentence, and mean it. If people don’t like this new loud and proud me, that’s fine. They can stay away, and some do.

Most of the time, this is a good thing. My relationship with my partner is very loving and we’re still very affectionate, almost like teenagers at times. We laugh a lot, and we laugh hard. We have deep and intense conversations. The sex is never boring. In fact, it’s pretty mind-blowing. My close friends seem to love me more than ever before. When I socialize, we have great fun. When I feel antisocial, I shut myself off, but I’m usually not miserable during these times. It may be that I’m feeling a bit misanthropic, or it may be that I just need time to myself to achieve a sense of calm and take a break from the chaos I seem to attract, but I enjoy every minute of being with my newly acquired family, doing the work that I do, getting a little alone time for gaming and writing, whatever.

Sometimes all this feeling and desire to feel can be a bad thing. I get overly attached to the wrong people. My heart is easy to break, and when that happens I express all those feelings all at once. Sometimes this can cost me a friend. I developed romantic feelings for a friend recently. I love those protective women, and that’s how she was. She took great care of me when it was needed, especially after I was raped last December. And I felt everything from that experience too. Too intensely as usual. I went kind of crazy for a while. Partied to much, let my emotions run completely wild, barely slept because I had nightmares if I did, freaked out for no real reason. She dealt with that very well as a friend. I finally began to calm down somewhat when I got together with Trisha, but those feelings continued to develop. We started fighting all the time when we talked. Now we don’t really talk anymore at all. We never hang out. And it kind of breaks my heart. I lost a pretty great friend. Maybe I wouldn’t have if I maintained a greater level of sanity. Then again, maybe it was doomed regardless. Who can say?

I’m also bipolar. I was diagnosed in 2002 or something like that, maybe a little before. I don’t talk about this very often (really not at all with most people). This is why I go through depression spells from time to time. I take medication for this, but I’m sure it contributes some to the intensity with which I experience life. Sometimes, like at the current time, I just lie low and enjoy my home life. I have to in order to achieve some sort of psychological balance. Feeling everything all the time takes a lot of energy, especially when some these things are negative in any way. Sometimes I don’t have that much energy. I get worn out and rest with my family and my electronic entertainment.

It’s all worth it though. I wouldn’t want it any other way. As much as some of the bad things like rape, or to a lesser extent, failed friendships, may suck, the good things outnumber the bad. I have a lot of people who love me. Feeling that the majority of the time is what makes everything I’m doing worth it. I’ll do what I need to do to maintain some balance, but I’m going to live my life at full intensity. I’m going to enjoy the happy times and cry during the bad times for the rest of my life because I don’t want to be numb and bored when it ends.

Sex, Guns, and the Zombie Apocalypse

Intermission (after the party)

July 25, 2011

Brittany:  Hey. Thanks for coming to the party. Sorry I was as late as I was. Other things were interfering with my original plans to get there at 7.

Kayla:  It's all good. I understand running late for stuff. Happens to me all the time. Especially when you're relying on other people in order to do what you need to do.

Brittany:  It was fun, though. Especially the end when Crystal and I started watching True Blood and had trouble stopping.

Kayla:  Awesome. I think my friend Stefanie got into that show. I never watched it (for no particular reason other than that it just never popped up on my radar).

Brittany:  It had been a while since we had really sat around hanging out like that. We both get busy.

Kayla:  That's cool, to be able to catch up.

Brittany:  Funny though, because we're probably the least likely people at a party to stay up 'til morning like that, yet we were the only ones who did.

Kayla:  You had something worth staying up for.

Brittany:  Only ended up with a few pics, but I'll post them in an album at some point.

Kayla:  Cool.

Brittany:  No one remembered to bring a camera, including me. And with the lighting, we kinda had to use people's iphones to get decent pics.

Kayla:  I know! So stupid! Of all the parties NOT to bring a camera to... we suck. I'm sorry. And yeah, that's true. The lighting was awful for picture taking.

Brittany:  Maybe I'll work up a blog entry about the party and everything later. But I should probably go for now and get things done here.

Kayla:  Yeah, me too. Talk to ya' later.

Sex, Guns, and the Zombie Apocalypse

August 10, 2011

Kayla:  Hi.  How ya' been?

Brittany:  Good I guess. Busy mostly.

Kayla:  Busy with what? (just curious)

Brittany:  Mostly working.  I've been working on voice stuff and I'm starting to see at least a little progress.

Kayla:  Are the voice lessons hard?

Brittany:  Not really. It's mostly just a slow process--practice, etc.

Kayla:  Is it changing your voice in your day-to-day life (like, when you're not trying) yet?

Brittany:  No. Still takes more effort than that. If I tried it all day, I'd probably wear it down so it's kind of an at home thing right now.

Kayla:  It does seem like it'd be hard to keep it up all the time... at least at first.

Brittany:  The way it's done is sort of natural. The idea is that, after a while, you just have the new voice all the time.

Physically, things aren't a lot different than last time you saw me.

Kayla:  That's so cool. I can't believe how completely thorough this whole process is. I didn't know anything about the voice lessons until you told me about them.

Funny, I was just going to ask you how life on hormones was treating you.

Brittany:  Body hair growth has slowed to a crawl. I only really have to fuck with it like once a week now.

Kayla:  Are you feeling any different on the inside? Are you still bitchy(er than usual)? Do you still have to pee all the time?

Brittany:  Peeing hasn't changed much. I am more aware of my emotions, but I'm not half sociopath anymore. lol.

Kayla:  Well, that's good to know. Maybe I'll feel safe enough to talk to you in person now. (joking, of course)

Brittany:  lol

Kayla:  Just... uh... keep the gun at home, ok?  ;)

Brittany:  Yeah, that would be the time some idiot tried to steal my car from in front of your house, too. lol.
It's not like I go out of control. I wouldn't have 11 of these things if I weren't responsible about it.

Kayla:  11 of what things? (oh... your arsenal... is that what you mean?)

Brittany:  Yeah, the gun collection.  I suppose no one needs that many, but I like them.  It would be boring shooting one gun all the time at the ranges.

Kayla:  And, what are you doing with all those guns? Getting ready for the apocalypse? (it IS almost 2012, after all...)

Brittany:  Right. Lol.  Zombie apocalypse. Use guns to get more guns and food. Sit on the roof shooting zombies so they don't get in.

Kayla:  I can totally see it... and by then you should be completely changed over, so that's an even more amusing image... some chick, sitting on her roof, picking off zombies while eating hot dogs she swiped from the QuikTrip she looted in the dark of night.

Brittany:  Reminds me of when some CDC guy was talking about what to do in the event of a zombie crisis,
like he was serious. Cracked me up.  It was months ago, I think. It was all over the news.

Kayla:  I heard about that! The CDC actually put out an "official" statement on what to do "in case..."

Me, I always thought I'd need a flame thrower. You can shoot zombies all day, but they're already undead, so what good is that gonna' do? I say torch 'em 'til they're just ashes.

Brittany:  You shoot them in the head, if the movies are any indication.

Kayla:  Hollywood bullshit. What do they know? I'm telling you, the secret is fire.

Brittany:  Weird little tangent. lol

Kayla:  Hey, when you need something to talk about, there's ALWAYS the zombie apocalypse.

Brittany:  lol. Fresh on the mind, I guess. I wanted a quiet weekend, so I sat around drinking vodka and watching zombie movies I hadn't seen but wanted to.

Kayla:  I need to bone up on my zombie trivia, too.

But... back to our regularly scheduled programming... last I talked to you, you hadn't told your dad yet (but were going to). I think you said your sister was going to go with you. How did that go?

Brittany:  It went alright I guess.  He had a few questions about why.  I haven't talked to him much since then, but he seems to be handling it slowly, but fine.

Kayla:  How did you explain it to him?

Brittany:  I said that it's something I knew as soon as I figured out you could distinguish between kids by gender.  That it has nothing to do with him or with who I'm attracted to.

Kayla:  What do you mean, that last part about who you're attracted to?

Brittany:  People confuse gender with sexual preference, even though there is no relationship.  The fact that I'm primarily attracted to men doesn't have anything to do with anything.

Kayla:  I think I understand that... and I suppose... (sticky association/clarification moment here) I always thought of you as gay, but if you identify your gender as female, regardless of what you were born with, then you aren't strictly "gay" are you?

Brittany:  More straight than gay, I guess.  But it's not like a signed a pledge somewhere stating who I will and won't sleep with.

Kayla:  That's true.  People like to put everything in a box, though. They like to define their world.  It makes more sense to me, philosophically, that sexual/romantic preference should be loose. People love who they love and are attracted to who they're attracted to.

Brittany:  I don't know, people get confused.  They're like, "so you're straight?"  I'm like, "maybe, until I sleep with Rihanna or something."

Kayla:  Ha!  Do you think your gender reassignment will make dating more difficult? I know, awkward question, but apparently that's what I'm here for.

Brittany:  When I'm pre-op, yeah.  I'm not sure where I'll find dates & sex.

Kayla:  I'm sure there's gotta' be guys out there who want and "get" that... does it worry you at all?

Brittany:  There are guys all over the place who fetishize all this stuff.  I don't know that the selection within that group is real great.

Kayla:  Yeah... something about being someone's "fetish"... I don't know...

Brittany:  It's sort of a good thing my libido is low with the meds, I guess.

Kayla:  I doubt it'll stay that way.  You may never have a "typical male" drive anymore, but chicks need to get laid sometimes, too.  Seriously, though, I think it just depends on the individual.

Brittany:  I know. It doesn't lead to most of the people I've slept with.  Meat market at Majestic. lol

Kayla:  I'm sure it'll work out, though. I'm one of those saps that believes in fate, so I have no doubt you'll find the right person.

Brittany:  Really, even when I do think about it now, there's more experience of sorts in those thoughts than before.

Kayla:  You'll have to explain that one. But I gotta' go. Seriously, send me an email on the "there's more experience of sorts in those thoughts than before" thing...

Brittany:  Ok. I wrote down to do that.  I'm gonna' make a drink and go to sleep soon, I guess.

Kayla:  Good plan. I'm gonna' go get my spaghetti on. We'll talk again soon.

Brittany:  Cool. I'll email you where that got left off tomorrow.

Kayla:  Ok. Have a good night with your drink and your dreams, Britt.

Brittany:  You, too.

August 11, 2011

Brittany:  I guess I'll keep this fairly short, unless you actually want the gory details. What I meant about being more into the experience with sex is that it's not just the sex itself, which is how it used to be. Now the experience in general is equally important. Surroundings, atmosphere, mood, foreplay, role play, shit like that. Good thing, in a way. Looking at it that way, everyone is totally different and sort of new in a way. Like it's not just all about the release anymore, I guess, but just as much of how we get there.