Happy Post-Mothers' Day, Let's Get Therapy!

In which Brittany and Angela discuss doing nothing on Mothers' Day*, demi-sexuality, weird breakups with a poly support system, and why even therapists need therapy. 

*When there are multiple moms in the house, you know where the apostrophe goes. 

Brittany:  Still chatting today?

Angela:  I can if you can!

Brittany:  That's cool. I'm ignoring social media, but chatting for the blog is different.

Angela:  True. Have you gals done big Mother's Day stuffs?

Brittany:  We did some gifts. We're going out for dinner later, even though it'll be busy. Happy mothers' day, btw.  :)

Angela:  Thank you! Happy Mama's Day to you, too! We took my MIL out for breakfast at Golden Corral, and then we plan on getting Mexican for dinner after hubby gets off work, where I fully intend on having a margarita. Other than that, just chilling and abstaining from housework. 

Brittany:  Yeah. Haven't really done much housework either. Just being lazy for the most part, though I talked to my aunt earlier.

Angela:  Oh, that's nice. For the Quitclaim other connection and all.

Uhh...

Ok, let's try again

For the *mother connection

Wtf autocorrect

Brittany:  Lol. That autocorrect fail is pretty impressive.

Angela:  Right?? And probably could only happen to someone in the legal world who has been known to type "quitclaim deed" on occasion.  #legalasstproblems

Brittany:  I figured you were just messaging someone else, and sent it to the wrong person.

Angela:  Lol, nope.

Brittany:  I've done it. Thankfully nothing overtly sexual has been sent to the wrong person so far.

Angela:  My (female) coworker once accidentally sent a pretty lewd text to another (thankfully female) coworker. It was meant for her boyfriend. She was mortified, but really just relieved it didn't go to her boss. 😂

Brittany:  Lol

Angela:  But, so, your aunt is doing well, I assume?

Brittany:  Yeah. She seems pretty happy in AZ, even though she's from the north like basically everyone I'm related to. She was living in WI until recently.

Angela:  I don't think I could live in the Southwest, but if you like an arid climate and some pretty rad native desert art, it's pretty awesome.

Brittany:  I enjoyed my time out there last year, but wouldn't deal with the summer heat well at all.

Angela:  Right. Me neither. I think I told you about the month I lived in New Mexico when I was pregnant with my first... Worst. Month. Ever.

Brittany:  Yeah. Not the best time and place to be pregnant, I imagine. Though, I feel for anyone with similar timing here, too.

Angela:  Exactly. It was hot, everything felt dusty, all the roofs were flat everywhere (these are the weird things that bother you when you're hormonal, lol), it was hell. 😂

But yeah, Oklahoma summers suck ass, too. And are more humid.

Brittany:  I remember how dusty I felt when I got home. We had gone from NM to here in one day, and it was a lot hotter coming back.

Angela:  Ew

Brittany:  I got all these hugs and such, even though I had to smell terrible though.

Angela:  You know that's love. 😂

When was this?

Brittany:  I got back May something. Maybe the 8th, or right around then.

Angela:  Wait... this past week??

Brittany:  Last year.

Angela:  Oh, lmao. I was so confused!

Brittany:  Maybe I had some history of wandering when my mental state is sketchy, but I think I've outgrown it. I don't like the idea of wandering off from my family either.

Angela:  That's how you know they're your people.

Brittany:  True.

Angela:  Speaking of family, last time we talked, you mentioned being "demi-sexual." I know you had a recent breakup that was pretty hard on you. Do you think it was because of this orientation? And how did that affect your long-term partners?

Brittany:  I think that made it harder than it would've been otherwise. For me, I'm usually not going to sleep with someone unless I feel pretty stable about the connection. Wasn't feeling sexual at all for a while after that, but Trisha and Michelle understood, even if they were starting to get worried for a bit since me not being sexual with them is generally unusual.

Angela:  Idk if this is getting too personal, but do you feel like it affected your feelings toward them at all, even if just temporarily?

Brittany:  My trust basically disappeared for a little bit. I kind of struggle with believing people love me when they claim to anyway because I've had some experiences with words and actions not matching up. So it was hard on everyone.

Angela:  Sounds like it. But this, I imagine, is the advantage of a good, healthy poly relationship. They know you well enough, and are secure enough in themselves, to ride this out with you.

Brittany:  Yeah. I'm glad I have them in my life, and that things are as stable as they are.

Angela:  Do you feel like you're still reeling from that breakup?

Brittany:  A little. And today doesn't help. Still getting used to not having a mom on this day, and Cindy is a mom. I figured she'd be around today at some point, but that isn't happening.

Angela:  Ah, yeah, I understand.

Brittany:  I sort of feel things more intensely than most people. That's not helpful at all.

Angela:  Yeah. That makes it hard.

Brittany:  I really thought it going somewhere too, but clearly not.

Angela:  Right. I think, for anyone, it's so much more difficult to process when there didn't seem to be any reason for the breakup, when there didn't seem to be any real problems to blame it on.

That's just human nature, to try to understand why.

Brittany:  I guess I'm getting better, but it just opened a flood gate of all this other bullshit. That isn't her fault, but I'm kind of all over the place emotionally compared to normal.

Angela:  Right. I think that's also normal. As we get older, every new experience relates to past experiences in some way. We can't help but compare things, you know?

Brittany:  Yeah. I had everything so neatly packed away, but maybe I shouldn't do that. Going to call around for a therapist tomorrow, and go that route.

Angela:  That's a good idea. It can never hurt to get some pro perspective.

Brittany:  Yeah. Same thing I tell other people, but not so much myself before.

Angela:  Especially since you have to listen to other people's problems all day. You need some space to talk about and deal with your own.

Brittany:  Yeah. I can talk to Trisha and Michelle about things, and I do, but I think I need to talk to someone who does what I do, and I'm not in any kind of personal relationship with.

Angela:  Right. A totally neutral person. With training.

Brittany:  Yeah.

Angela:  I started seeing a therapist, too. There's just too much to deal with in the world. It's hard to process and respond to things in a healthy way.

Brittany:  Yeah, and it's not unusual for us to see each other, too, so I'm trying to not have hangups about it, or what certain parts of my mind might try to say about what it says about me professionally.

Angela:  Psh, it says you're self aware enough to recognize when you need to get in to see "the doctor" and not let things get out of hand. That means you know what you're doing.

Brittany:  Yeah. That's what the rational part of my mind and other people say, so I just try to listen to that. As opposed to the impostor syndrome part of my mind I deal with frequently.

Angela:  Yeah, I get that. But a surgeon can no more operate on herself as you can objectively counsel yourself. As you know. I get imposter syndrome, too (about writing, my day job, parenting, being a good social/environmental citizen, etc). I think most people do.

Brittany:  Yeah. Maybe not most, but it's common enough. Seems like I've always had a tendency to doubt myself almost as much as I doubt everyone else.

Angela:  It seems to be a pretty common thing with writers, at least. I know that.

Lol, that makes a lot of sense, actually.

Brittany:  Things to talk about with my future therapist lol

Angela:  (simultaneously) So it seems like trust issues are going to be a big topic in your therapy sessions.

Lol!

Brittany:  Yeah. There are a ton of ways to give someone trust issues.

Angela:  I think trust and control are at the base of most psychological issues.

Brittany:  True.

Angela:  Therapy is good, though. But it takes soooo loooooong.

Brittany:  Yeah. Most of my clients are pretty long term, save for court order situations where they just do enough for that, then disappear.

Angela:  Idk if it's like this with everyone, but it seems like it's taken me months just to get down to some real issues.

Brittany:  It varies. Some people know exactly what their issues are, like me, and some are a little more hazy.

I think for me, I just need someone neutral to help me process, and I'm not neutral. Neither is Michelle, obviously.

Angela:  Right, of course. Is Michelle a therapist, too? I think I remember you mentioning something like that.

Brittany:  Yeah. We met in grad school, actually.

Angela:  That's right. I remember now.

Brittany:  People comment about her age compared to mine sometimes, but I'm like "She wasn't the youngest I could've met in a place like grad school though, so whatever."

Angela:  How old is she again? Regardless, she's still a grown-ass woman, so whatever.

Brittany:  She just turned 29 last month.

Angela:  Oh she's almost 30. Y'all are fine. 🙄

Brittany:  Yeah. We'll never be in the same decade, but that's fine. It's not like I'm dating, say, a 19 year old, which would probably be a disaster.

Angela:  Agreed. I am sort of against our age group being with anyone with the word "teen" in their age. And I kind of think, once you hit your 30s, they should probably at least be old enough to drink. 😅

Brittany:  Same. At my age, a 19 year old doesn't look much different from a 15 year old, so it skeeves me out a little when I hear about some middle aged person, usually a man, dating someone who has been adult for 5 minutes, usually a woman.

Like, just buy a red convertible dude.

Angela:  Exactly. Plus, um... my eldest son is 21 now, so yeah...

Lol, right???

You can't emotionally scar a sport car

Brittany:  Yeah. Though my dad is 70, and has a car like that. I remember him saying "AOC is interesting to look at" but that he doesn't like her when he was probably drunk on his birthday. Gross. That's when I left lol

Angela:  Lol, yeah ew.

Brittany:  That's 51 years. 41. I like to think it was just the booze talking since he's never said that in front of me before, but who knows.

Angela:  That's way too many years. 😳

Brittany:  Yeah. We're 41 right now.

Angela:  Exactly. AOC is in her 20s.

Brittany:  29. We watched Knock Down the House on Netflix last night, so I remember specifically from that.

Angela:  That's right. I want to be her when I grow up.

Brittany:  I don't think I could tolerate being in politics, let alone running for election.

Angela:  Well, ok, I don't want to do her JOB, but if I could be her with all her energy and education and brains and then just be an activist or something? That would be frackin' cool.

Brittany:  Same. At 29, I wasn't particularly remarkable, or really even stable.

Angela:  Same. I mean... I might have been stable-ish mentally, but I get negative points for horrible taste in men, a terribly overactive savior complex, and lack of personal motivation.

Brittany:  Seems like my taste in men was shitty, too, maybe because I didn't know I was lesbian at the time.

Angela:  Lol, right? You can't really blame yourself for not knowing how to pick good men when you were messing with the entirely wrong demographic. 😂

Brittany:  Yeah. At least I have relatively good taste in women.

Angela:  You seem to have excellent taste there.

Brittany:  I managed to go from 2011 to 2019 without any bad romantic choices. Here's to hopefully more than another 8 years.

Angela:  🥂

A Very Poly Relationship

Special note for our readers: Brittany's cohort in these blog chats has been flying under the pseudonym "Kayla" in previous posts due to the strongly conservative nature of her day job. She has since moved onto another company and so feels comfortable now going by her given name, Angela, and sharing on her personal social media to help boost the signal. Just, ya know, in case you were confused. Kayla=Angela, same broad. 😉

We open on an overcast afternoon, with Brittany and Angela catching up on their day, waiting for it to rain. The conversation quickly turns... alternative. 

Angela: I'm here!

Brittany: Same!

Angela: Yay! How are the puppers?

Brittany:  They're happy. There is a small field not too far from here. They seem to understand to stay off the street, so we let them run around there.

Angela:  Good dogs! I have to work just trying to keep mine from darting out the front door for her favorite game: Jail Break (watch the humans chase me!)

Brittany:  Thought it was supposed to rain today, but fuck no. Kiara is watering the gardens. This place has become like a humid desert lately.

Angela:  Ugh, yes. But my eldest had to walk to work today, so I’m ok with it holding out for just a little

Brittany:  Yeah. We have the windows open. I was just going to water, but my 11 year old volunteered. A preteen volunteering to do shit. Lol. Bizarro World

Angela:  Definitely! I ask our teenagers (multiple) to do things around the house and I get the world’s longest “UUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH“

Brittany:  Fortunately, we only have 2. Charity is 13. They aren't real confrontational over minor shit most of the time.

Angela:  Well, sprinkle some magic dust on her to keep her willingly helpful for as long as possible.

Brittany:  Lol. They're a lot easier than I was.

Angela:  I was fairly compliant (natural people-pleaser). I just snuck around and lied about shit.

But, I saw on FB you went out with your ladies last night. How was that? It was supposedly something super gay.  

Brittany:  Pretty good. We actually ate at home, but went to see a late showing of Love, Simon. Simon is totally gay.

Angela:  I haven’t even heard of this. (So, in white-cis-Oklahoma that means it must be Gay.)

Brittany:  Yeah. We found it surfing Fandango to see what movies are around. We'll probably see A Wrinkle in Time sometime soon, too. We'll definitely take the girls to that one,

Angela:  I want to see A Wrinkle in Time, too. 
Was Simon playing at The Circle (our little Indie arthouse theater that isn’t afraid of The Gay, for our out-of-town readers), or a mainstream theater?

Brittany:  Mainstream at Promenade. Maybe other places too, but Promenade is close, so we generally go there. 

Angela:  When we lived dover there, we practically lived at the AMC across from Promenade. Now we live at the Warren because it has a cry room. (More clarification for our readers - if you don't know, a cry room is a nice little soundproof place where parents can take babies and little kids to watch a movie on the big screen without worrying that their screaming offspring will disturb other movie-goers. This is not, in fact, a place where you go to cry about your life. Unless the toddler in question is dumping a vat of pink lemonade onto your cell phone... then you might cry in there, too.)

Brittany:  Last night was a date night, since the girls weren't here.

Angela:  Nice! I know you generally have an IDGAF attitude about these things (which is enviable), but do you gals ever get any flack when you’re all out together? I mean, do you think people realize you’re obviously together, romantically, the 3 of you?

Brittany:  Now and then, if we're being affectionate enough and not in a dark theater where no one can see it. More often, people just assume we're friends because they're used to seeing hetero monogamous people. Or at least male/female couples, and they just assume heterosexuality and monogamy on their part.

Angela:  Do you feel like you have to act differently in public (more so than a hetero couple or even a monogamous same-sex couple) than at home? Like, do you consciously keep the  PDA to a minimum?

Brittany:  It depends on where we are and whether we care on any given day. We're kind of careful if we're in an environment that seems sketchy. Then places like the dyke bar are totally fine. People just find it interesting. 

But sometimes we honestly don't give a fuck.

If we're at some gas station in the sticks between Dallas and here, we're more careful.

Angela:  That makes sense. I was also thinking that it helps a little that you’re all women. Women are known to be more outwardly affectionate than men, so seeing 3 girls holding hands or with their arms around each other wouldn’t necessarily seem “gross” or “offensive," like it would if you were men.

Sadly

Brittany:  It does. Until you get some perv wanting to get it on it.

Angela:  Ugh. Right. More of that toxic masculinity stuff were talking about last time. 

Just don’t kiss or anything. Because then you’re heading right into porno country, cover the children’s eyes, you need Jesus.

Brittany:  Lol.  Shit like that goes on everywhere, but OK can be a difficult place sometimes.

Angela:  I know. It’s just a bit more concentrated in the South. (And yes, I have had long debates and in-depth research into what region of the US Oklahoma is considered to belong, and we are officially The South. Fight me.)

Brittany:  Yeah. I consider it south, too. Southern culture here, good and bad, and I'm from MN, so everyone is south to me.

Angela:  Lol! I’m from all over *gestures vaguely* so I don‘t have a preference, but according to Official Sources, we’re definitely South. But I get why people think Midwest, too, being right next to that region. We’re influenced by both. But the bigotry... I’d never seen anything like it before I moved here as a teenager. And I lived for several years in Texas! Like, we make Texas look progressive.

Brittany:  Well, aside from abortion. We definitely have better access to abortion than Texans do. Idk why.

Some people seem to think to think love is a finite resource,  so like for me to love 2 people, I have to divide it so it's less for each. That isn't accurate at all.

Angela:  I’ve heard that perspective. I have come to the conclusion that monogamy isn’t about love. I’m monogamous, but it has more to do with a person’s ability to be open to more than one person. And, depending on the person, that person’s ability to not be jealous. There’s probably a more eloquent way to put that, but in essence...

Brittany:  Yeah. Monogamy is perfectly valid, though not for everyone. You put that perfectly.

Angela:  It would be a lot better if more people understood and accepted that fact. I don’t understand why we define our entire societal structure on our tight definition of “normal” relationships.

Brittany:  We aren't real prone to jealousy in general. A lot of people in poly relationships or open relationships use the word compersion. The opposite of jealousy.

Angela:  You 3... you’re raising kids, running a household, contributing to society. What’s the problem?

Compersion. I have never heard that term.

Brittany:  Yeah. I don't think it exists in the dictionary at this time, but it exists. In the world.

But yeah. We're just 3 women raising a family in a house with some pets. Our lifestyle isn't super flamboyant. We're fairly introverted most of the time.

Sure threesome and some kinky shit happen with a certain regularity, but we're pretty private about it.

Angela:  Monogamous couples do kinky shit, too. People just don't talk about it.

Do you think there is much jealousy in many polyamorous relationships? I mean, I know it seems counter-intuitive, but I'm sure it comes up.

Brittany:  Yeah, People tend to assume poly = kinky. Maybe we're more open to certain things, but not all poly people are kinky, and not all monogamous people are vanilla. It's not like there's a litmus test.

(Jealousy) isn't uncommon, but it can be addressed and processed. Boundaries in general are important, and make a big difference.

Angela:  I feel like, and correct me if I'm wrong, that people getting into poly relationships are naturally better at communicating and drawing those boundaries in a clear way (better than many monogamous couples), simply because they know what they are getting into isn't conventional. Is that right?

Brittany:  I mean, there are poly curious (and kink curious) noobs running around trying things without looking into what it means. They can end up in an unhealthy situation, but most other poly people I've come across seem to be a little better at that.

Some probably research it. I did. Others end up with someone who already understands communication and boundaries.

Angela:  That makes sense. People are stupid, no matter what they're into. But It's good that you did some research. More mono couples should probably do that, too.

Brittany:  Yeah. I've seen plenty of mono people with a horrible sense of boundaries. Maybe mono people are more likely to assume it'll just fall into place like in the romantic movies.

Angela:  Exactly that. 

When did you figure out that you'd be open to a relationship like that?

Brittany:  Trisha and I were open sexually from day 1, but it wasn't until we got to know Michelle that we knew we wanted her in the actual relationship as opposed to some casual thing.

Angela:  That's neat.

Brittany:  I met Michelle 4 days into grad school. For a while, it was pretty casual with her, then with all of us. Eventually it became a serious relationship.

Getting close to 2 years of serious now.

Angela

That's fantastic!

Brittany:  I think so.

Angela:  Do you feel like there are any alphas in the relationship, or are you all on pretty equal footing?

Brittany:  Trisha is the most dominant sexually. I'm a little bit alpha when it comes to finances, but I've always been on top of money related things. I'm the most submissive sexually. People who interact with me only outside of that context seem all suprised to find out for some reason. But, for the most part, we're on equal footing, and communicate in a healthy way.

Speaking of finances, an advantage people don't always think about: Triple income situation.

Angela:  Right????

Brittany:  Like the mortgage is just over $800. Divide that by 3 and get an awesome number.

Angela:  Ok, that brings me to the living arrangement situation. Are you all 3 in the same bedroom? Separate rooms?

Brittany:  We sleep in the same bed. "King size" is big enough. None of us are very big.

Angela:  But all your stuff fits in the same room? You don't feel cramped at all? (these are the weird things my brain wonders when pondering how people fit even just one extra person into a long-term relationship, lol)

Brittany:  There's a big dresser in the closet, and some clothes have ended up in the girls' bathroom since it's huge and has cabinets. They have their own dressers in their rooms, so it's not really an issue.
We have our things that we do alone and with different pairings (like kickboxing is Michelle and I's thing), but we always come together in the end.

Angela:  That's great. Do Trisha and Michelle do things together, without you? Or are you sort of the connective glue that keeps you all together?

Brittany:  They do, and that's awesome to me that they have their time.

Angela:  That is pretty great that you each relate to each other individually as well as as a unit.

Brittany:  Yeah. And other than books and vinyls taking up space, it isn't too cluttered. Things no one needed anymore either got sold, given away, or put that in the attic.

It's a 3 bedroom house.

Angela:  So, what does a typical day in your household look like? Schedule-wise. Does everyone work outside the home? Do you juggle responsibilities? Housework? Cooking?

Brittany:  We share housework. I cook a lot of the time, but Charity likes to pretty frequently. She wants to go to culinary school, which she'll be great at if she does. Trisha works a 7am schedule outside the home. Michelle and I are both 8am schedule.

Usually, we eat around 6 or 7pm and either watch tv or end up doing separate things. Reading, on the computer etc.

Angela:  Sounds pretty standard.

Brittany:  Yeah. Not so exotic.

From here the convo dissolves into boring gotta-gos and promises of editing and publishing and plans for the next post. You don't wanna read all that.