Trans Day of Remembrance 2020: The List

Well, here we are again. Today is Transgender Day of Remembrance (TDOR) when we remember and mourn the loss of every transgender or gender non-conforming person who was murdered or otherwise died by violence throughout the past year. The list (U.S. only) includes December 2019 dates since TDOR is November 20th. This list is not 100% complete, however, due to media and authorities continuing to misgender victims when they can no longer speak for themselves.

2020 has been awful in every way and the violence against trans folx this year is no exception. There were 20-something names on last year's list; there are 40 today. As usual, the vast majority on this list are Trans WOC.

Friends, we need to do more to raise awareness and fight this hate. Protect your friends and yourselves as best you can. Brittany and I only hope things are better next year, under a President who doesn't incite violence and target trans rights in some awful, bigoted way of appeasing the religious right. This climate of animosity has made things markedly worse for the queer community. 

Rest in power, you beautiful brave souls. 

#NikkiKuhnhausen, 17, Larch Mountain, Oregon, 12-7-19

#AngelRoseGarcia, 21, Hyattsville, Maryland, 12-10-19

#AliceCarter, 35, Washington, D. C., 12-18-19

#YahiraNesby, 33, Brooklyn, New York, 12-19-19

#MiaPenny, 26, Washington, D.C, 12-29-19

#DustinParker, 25, McAlester, Oklahoma, 1-1-20

#NeulisaAlexaLucianaRuiz, 29, Toa Baja, Puerto Rico, 2-24-20

#YampiMendezArocho, 19, Moca, Puerto Rico, 3-5-20

#Monika Diamond, 34, Charlotte, North Carolina, 3-18-20

#Lexi, 33, Harlem, New York, 3-28-20

#JohannaMetzger, Baltimore, Maryland, 4-11-20

#PenelopeDiazRamirez, Puerto Rico, 4-13-20

#SerenaAngeliqueVelazquezRamos, 32, Puerto Rico, 4-21-20

#LaylaPelaezSanchez, 21, Puerto Rico, 4-21-20

#NinaPop, Sikeston, Missouri, 5-3-20

#HelleJaeORegan, 20, San Antonio, Texas, 5-6-20

#JayneThompson, 33, Mesa County, Colorado, 5-9-20

#TonyMcDade, Tallhassee, Florida, 5-27-20

#SelenaReyesHernandez, 37, Chicago, Illinois, 5-31-20

#DominiqueFells, Philadelphia, Pennsyania, 6-9-20

#RiahMilton, 25, Liberty Township, Ohio, 6-9-20

#BrianPowers, 43, Akron, Ohio, 6-13-20

#BraylaStone, 17, Little Rock, Arkansas, 6-25-20

#MerciMack, 22, Dallas, Texas, 6-30-20

#ShakiPeters, 32, Amite CIty, Louisiana, 7-1-20

#BreeBlack, 27, Pompano Beach, Florida, 7-3-20

#SummerTaylor, Seattle, Washington, 7-4-20

#MarilynCazares, 22, Brawley, California

#QueashaDHardy, 22, Baton Rouge, Louisiana, 7-27-20

#DiorHOva (Tiffany Harris), Bronx, New York, 7-28-20

#AjaRaquellRhoneSpears, Portland, Oregon, 7-28-20

#KeeSam, Lafeyette, Louisiana, 8-12-20

#AerrionBurnett, Indepedence, Missouri, 9-19-20

#MiaGreen, 29, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, 9-28-20

#MichelleMichellynRamosVargas, mid 30s, San German, Puerto Rico, 9-30-20

#FelycyaHarris, 33, Augusta, Georgia, 10-6-20

#BrooklynDeshuna, 20, Shreveport, Louisiana, 10-7-20

#SaraBlackwood, 39, Indianapolis, Indiana, 10-11-20

#AngelUnique (Angel Haynes), 25, Memphis, Tennessee, 11-1-20

#YuniCareyHerrera, 39, Miami, Florida, 11-17-20

Chat: How Brittany & Angela Survive the Holidays (Thanksgiving Edition)

In which Brittany and Angela discuss the weather, Thanksgiving, anti-sex trafficking legislation, and politics, until our heroes get distracted by holiday booze...

Brittany:  How have you been?

Angela:  Been ok. Adjusting to the cold sooner than I'm used to, but I don't mind.

Found out my job is gonna be closed the day before Thanksgiving, so that's pretty awesome

What about you?

Brittany:  I don't mind it either. My favorite season in MN wasn't winter, but here winter is easy.

Mine is closed after, but not before.

Angela:  I miss northern winters, honestly

Brittany:  Yeah. When it snowed, people didn't totally lose their shit like here.

Angela:  Lol, right?

Brittany:  We had windows open yesterday for a while but heat on now. So random sometimes.

Angela:  I know; today was a big drop. But... it helps make it feel like the holidays.

What are you guys doing for Turkey Day?

Brittany:  Same. My dad is having Thanksgiving at his place. First time in a while, so we're doing that. All these people from his wife's family moved back to OK for various reasons, so going to be a big crowd.

Angela:  Lol, mine will be just the opposite. It'll just be me, hubby, and my 2 direct offispring at my dad's. My stepkids will be with their mom this year, and my brother's gotta work (yay, capitalism!) so his fam won't be there either. Up in the air as to whether we're hitting my in-laws after. 

But, so... do you know your stepmom's family very well?

Brittany:  They're doing it around lunch, which normally used to annoy me, but it allows us to go to Michelle's family for dinner.

Angela:  Are you bringing your whole household with you?

Brittany:  And not very well, other than a couple of her kids. I don't even know if they all know I'm trans, let alone poly. And yeah, we're all going to that, but the girls will be with their dad for dinner.

Angela:  Lol, that was gonna be my next question - are you worried at all about how they'll react to your "big gay family?" 😉

Brittany:  Not real worried. The main guy who was up north for so long is liberal as fuck, but you never know even then. As far as these other people coming, I don't even know what to expect.

I can handle it though. I'm hard like that.

Angela:  I know you can. ✊
I'm glad your dad finally came around so you can do family stuff like this. I know a lot of trans people can't.

Brittany:  Yeah. Some of us lose family relationships completely. He took a while, but he got there.

True.

He said like 25ish people. Some of them must be friends of her family.

Angela:  Well, that should be fun! O.o

How is Michelle's family with her bringing her two SOs?

Brittany:  They're cool with it. She came out as pan and poly a long time ago. Plus they aren't much older than I am, so they're not all super old fashioned.

Angela:  Yay! 🙂

Brittany:  Yeah. It's funny in a way. She's 28, and her parents are over there being less than decade older than I am. Such a cradle robber.

Angela:  Lol, we're so old.

Brittany:  She has 2 brothers. Not going to be a huge crowd like at my dad's.

Angela:  That's nice.

Are you guys bringing anything, to either shindig?

Brittany:  Potato salad to my dad's. More of that and some veggies for Michelle's

Angela:  Cool. I'm doing pies. 2, I think. My folks are actually getting catering from Zoe's. They usually cook, but are literally calling it in this year, lol.

Brittany:  My dad usually does most of the cooking at his place. He's just doing it as buffet and eat when you want because he got tired of people never being on time.

Angela:  Yeah, that's hard when you have a billion people coming.
Ok, so challenge question for all our LGBTQ friends out there who might be estranged from their families - do you, Brittany, know if the Equality Center is doing any holiday stuff? (I meant to google before we chatted and failed. Obviously.)

Brittany:  They generally do. I'll look up the time real quick.

November 23rd Thanksgiving dinner. Not clear on the time from their site.

Angela:  FTW! I remember a friend of ours used to do what he called "Un-Thanksgiving" and invited all his friends. What a lot of people call a Friendsgiving these days. That was always so much fun.

Brittany (Still doing her due diligence):  Ok. Tried FB. It's November 22nd, from noon to 3pm.

Angela (Still being a slacker):  Oh good! Thank you!

Brittany:  Link to their events: https://www.facebook.com/events/449096908947775/

Oklahomans for Equality

Non-profit organisation

621 E 4th St, Tulsa, Oklahoma 74120

Angela:  You are so good. 😊

Brittany:  I know right.

Angela:  😘
So, I started seeing a therapist (some depression and stress I need to work through), and one of the first questions she asked me is whether politics was stressing me out. And it made me wonder, do you have a lot of clients who come to you with politics-induced anxiety?

Brittany:  Yeah. It's sadly common. Everything from what you're describing to people scared to death after SESTA/FOSTA mad sex work more dangerous.

Angela:  What's SESTA/FOSTA?

Brittany:  The poorly thought out anti sex trafficking bill they passed a while back. What ends up happening is it pushes sex workers and trafficking victims further underground because web sites who were allowing it either shut down those sections or closed entirely.

Angela:  Ohhh, I did hear about that. I just didn't know the acronyms.

Brittany:  Yeah. The only senators who voted against it were Wydon and Rand Paul.

Angela:  Wydon? What state's (s)he out of?

Brittany:  I'm obviously all for fighting trafficking, but I feel like they actually made law enforcement's job harder, and people doing sex work by choice are finding it harder to vet clients.

Oregon

Ron Wyden. Spelled it wrong.

Like now they can't go online to work either. I was like WTF.

Angela:  Right.

Brittany:  Wyden actually understood the problem, I think. For Paul, it was just about censorship.

Angela:  And this got VERY little attention... but it sounds like your clients know about it. It's probably because people don't pay much attention to politics unless it affects them directly. 😕

Brittany:  A few of them are or have been sex workers.

Angela:  I figured. And I am SO glad sex workers have someone like you that they can talk to. Talk about a demographic pushed into the shadows. 

I've always thought sex work should be legalized so it could be regulated and sex workers could have some protections

Brittany:  Yeah, but not so overly regulated that it effectively makes it almost impossible to make any money. I'm more for decriminalization.

Angela:  That makes sense.

Brittany:  I've heard people say legalize it but push them out to the edges of town where, A) it could be harder to work, and 😎 they'd be isolated

That happy face was supposed to be a letter B.

Angela:  Lol, I figured

But no, that's not ok. :( 

Brittany:  Fuckin emojis. Can't even avoid them on a computer anymore. (Says old lady Brittany.)

Angela:  People are so fucking stupid about this kind of stuff. I get wanting sex work to be discreet, but I mean... people manage to keep their free sex lives discreet, I don't see why this should be any different.

Brittany:  Yeah, and you could actually be discreet on like Backpage, but doing that online just got a lot harder, and some have gone to the streets.

Angela:  Ugh. 😔

Brittany:  Well, this conversation took an unexpected turn.

Angela:  Lol, right?? But that's ok. It's what people are dealing with.

Brittany:  True. And a lot of trans women end up in sex work.

Angela:  Why do you think that is?

Brittany:  Employment discrimination, lack of other financial support.

Angela:  I thought it might be that. I wish it were rather that they just love sex so much that they feel they have a calling, lol. But I guess not many people, trans or otherwise, just want to sleep with other people for a living.

Brittany:  Yeah. It's usually a choice for lack of more appealing choices.

Angela:  Sigh... All the more reason to fight hard for trans rights in the workplace - anti discrimination laws, etc.

Brittany:  And a living wage.

Angela:  Yes. For trans and everyone. ... Evolving society is hard. 😔

Brittany:  I can't imagine trying to fund a transition on $7.25 an hour.

Angela:  But... I feel like the left is getting a lot more blatant with what we're fighting for now. 

Gods, I can't imagine paying for groceries on that. 😕

Brittany:  Yeah. Weird thing we might actually be able to thank the right for, ironically. Finally pushed us too far.

Angela:  Yep. Lol, I remember a conservative friend of mine posting some shit about "men dressed as women" in women's restrooms awhile back, and I finally commented about what a bigoted post it was. I try not to be combative on other people's posts, but sometimes, when it falls under that "going after other people's rights" umbrella, I just can't help myself.

Brittany:  Yeah. I'll let some minor disagreements go, but I'll start shit over statements like that.

My dad is fairly conservative, but not so much on those issues.

That's a thing I miss about my mom. She was the only other solid liberal in my bio family.

Angela:  Yeah. Mine, too. Though, he's an old-school fiscal conservative, and he is horrified by Trump.

I understand that. My mom's side was the liberal side, too. Funny that liberalism is almost a feminine thing.

Brittany:  Yeah. Fine though. Give matriarchy a chance.

Angela:  Yeah, I'm ready. 

Brittany:  Same.

Angela:  The House is looking a lot more matriarchal these days. 🙂

Brittany:  Yeah. I was happy with that. Even here, we have a woman going to the house, and Provenzano won her state seat. She was the only flip I predicted in OK.

Angela:  I know! 💙💙💙

Brittany:  She was kind of like the popular kid running for student body president. I knew she'd win. The US House seat surprised me though.

Angela:  Kendra Horn? I was pretty excited about that one

Brittany:  Yeah.

Angela:  One of the few light points coming out of Oklahoma in that election.

Brittany:  True. At least something genuinely surprised me that day.

Angela:  Well, and we had a few more state level positions go to teachers and other Dems. I think the GOP's grip is slipping, just a bit.

Brittany:  If they don't evolve, they'll probably be a thing of the past sooner than later.

Angela:  Well, yeah. I gotta believe that. I think the louder we are, the more likely change will come faster. There will be a lot of casualties along the way, because the bigots won't give up without a fight, often a physical one. But we just have to keep at it. Get louder and more blatant and refuse to hide.

Brittany:  That's pretty much my philosophy. Loud and proud.

Angela:  Sidenote - Shit. My friend just posted she started her aged eggnog and I haven't started mine yet! How the hell are we gonna get properly schnockered by Christmas??? Lol

Brittany:  Haha. I used to like eggnog well enough back when I drank alcohol.

Angela:  Man, we made it last year, the stuff that sets up for weeks before you can drink it, and that shit was STRONG. Thinking, if we make it this year, I might have to cut mine with some of the store bought stuff.

Brittany:  My dad probably has some store bought stuff. Never known him to make it.

Angela:  Mine, too. That's what most people do - buy it at the store and add booze (or don't) to your liking. But, being my weird foodie self, I gotta try the old fashioned way.

Brittany:  My dad's office in his house is practically enough to stock a liquor store.

Angela:  Wowwww! He should make his own eggnog. 😉

Brittany:  He doesn't seem to drink it heavily, but holiday people will for sure. Then he'll be all mad because they'll drink the fancy shit. I've seen this show before.

Angela:  Lol! Well, he should hide the fancy shit if he doesn't want it drunk.

Brittany:  He should, but probably won't.

Angela:  What can you do? 🤷‍♀️

Brittany:  I like to stick with my weed though. Maybe I'll smoke before I go in, so my sarcasm is 100% if I need it.

Angela:  LOL! Yes!

Brittany:  Can't wait till I can get medical instead of obtaining it the old timey way.

Angela:  Right? Have you gotten a referral yet?

Brittany:  I'm approved and all. Just waiting on dispensaries. I guess some are open around OKC, but I'm not going all the way out there to get weed. 

Angela:  I know you can buy plants locally, but I don't think it's available dried yet.

Brittany:  Nothing is really available here yet. Buying it legally in NV was sorts fun though.

Angela:  I wanna go to Colorado and see the dispensaries there.

Brittany:  Never bought any there, but we only stayed one night on the way back.

There was a place right by the hotel in Grand Junction.

Angela:  That's cool. Someday...

Brittany:  Probably a good spot. Like, "Hey bitches from OK, TX, WY, etc. in the hotel. Come to the weed store."

Angela:  Lol! Yes. Like the Pied Piper of weed.

Brittany:  Should probably wrap this up soon. I think we're going to go out to eat.

Angela:  I was just thinking the same. I need to get back to cooking.

Brittany:  Sounds good. Have fun cooking and making eggnog.

Angela:  I will! And good luck with your dad's people! May they be open minded liberals or too drunk to care either way. 😉

Brittany:  Lol. Thanks 🙂

Angela:  Talk to you soon!

This Shit Gay AF

I forgot to post something Pride-related during Pride Month (June). I mean, honestly though, every month is Pride for me. I keep at 5 by 3 foot rainbow flag on the wall in our gaming room literally all year long. And of course, some cities have Pride celebrations outside of June for various reasons.

The first time I went to an LGBTQ+ Pride celebration was Tulsa Pride in 1996. At the time Tulsa Pride was pretty young, with the first having been in 1983. I was also fairly young (18), and somewhat unsure of and experimenting with where I fit within the the sexuality and gender spectrums, but I had that feeling one occasionally has in the right environment where I felt at home. Since then I've only missed a few scattered years, mostly when I was getting my undergraduate degree in Tahlequah, OK. They didn't have Pride events there then, being a small college town, though 5 years ago they began having Pride celebrations, so things are gradually progressing there.

Since then I've come to understand myself as a transgender lesbian woman. My partners are queer cis-gender women, and our oldest daughter, who posseses a self awareness I wish I had as a kid came out as bisexual about 3 years ago, at age 11.

The point of Pride celebrations is to celebrate who we are in a world that doesn't otherwise make any effort to uplift us, build community, be visible, and stand against the all too common discrimination and violence against the LGBTQ+ population.

I want to post a brief history of Pride. I'm totally gay for history like that. A little internet searching can take you into greater detail if you're inclined.

There were earlier uprisings such as Compton's Cafeteria in San Francisco. Police raiding gay bars back then was pretty common. Trans women and drag queens would be arrested. On June 28, 1969, patrons of Stonewall Inn bar in Manhattan (now a national monument at it's current location. Thanks Obama <3) finally got fed up and rioted. Bystanders joined in. That went on all night and some beyond that. If you've seen the movie Stonewall where a bunch of white cis gay guys were throwing the first bricks, it's historically inaccurate, which is partially why it bombed at the box office. The first bricks and other items thrown were thrown by trans women, butch lesbians, and queens of color. Even mainstream LGBTQ organizations often forget this. A year later, the first Pride events took place.

The Pride flag was created by San Francisco artist Gilbert Baker in 1978. From red on top to purple on bottom, the colors stand for life, healing, sunlight, nature, harmony, and spirit. Pink (sexuality) and turquoise (art/magic) were removed. In 2017, the Philadelphia Office of LGBT Affairs created Pride flags with a black and brown stripe to symbolize inclusion of black and brown people in the movement because sadly white gays aren't a whole lot less racist than white straights. I don't see them a lot, but they're around, even outside Philadelphia.

In recent years, there have been people calling for "straight pride," and even a few events boasting like 20 people showing up.

You don't need a straight pride. Straight people weren't being harassed and arrested on nonsensical morality charges a few decades ago. Straight people have always been able to marry (unless you were an interracial couple in the US, which wasn't legal until 1967). You didn't have to wait until 2015 if you lived in the wrong state. You aren't still waiting because you live in the wrong country. A man and woman holding hands in public don't face harassment or violence for doing so.

Meanwhile, back to the frequently disappointing present. We have the most homophobic, trans-phobic, and racist shit show of a White House administration in modern history. Trump and Co. have tried, and so far failed, to ban trans people from serving in the military despite actual opposition from actual military leaders who know a hell of a lot more about military matters than Cadet Bone Spurs ever will. SCOTUS is about to be leaning to the right for the rest of my life. The religious fanatics are licking their chops at the prospect of being able to undermine marriage equality, as well as reproductive rights. Jeff Sessions, who may or may not be the world's oldest vampire, just announced the creation of a "Religious Liberty Task Force" (This means allowing Christians to discriminate and nothing more) because not allowing evangelical Christian organizations and individuals to discriminate against queer people and anyone they disagree with is somehow oppressive toward Christians in the minds of bigots and these old men who may or may not jack off to The Handmaid's Tale every Wednesday. There have been 16 murders of trans women, mostly black trans women, so far this year. Anti-LGBTQ violence in general is on the rise. Earlier this year, some fuckwits shot at the windows of the Tulsa Equality Center in the middle of the night (fortunately, no one was there).

This is why we still need Pride. This is also why we do not need straight pride. None of the above threatens cis-gender heterosexual people. If you want to have your stupid events with your 20 friends, I don't really care, but don't go around acting like being cis, Christian, and straight opens you up to any kind of oppression.

There are still some small signs of progress here and there. Here in Tulsa, they renamed part of a street downtown Pride Street right before the events of the weekend. Our reasonable human of a mayor (a rare treat in this teabilly state) even attended the event.

Our community has survived since the begining of humanity, and we will continue to persevere. You can't erase us. Those in power now won't be in power forever. Society will begin evolving again.

We're here. We're queer. Get used to it.

                                                 Pride Street, Tulsa, OK 2018. Photo: Tulsa World

Chat: Politics, Queer Counseling, and WTF Happened to Pride

In which Brittany and Angela discuss the recent Oklahoma midterm elections, current-ish events, Brittany's day job, and then realize they never posted a damn thing about Pride. 

Angela:  Mannnnnn so much has happened in the world since we last talked. Justice Kennedy's retirement has me pretty well petrified.

Brittany:  Yeah. I fully expect SCOTUS to be an arm of the republican party for the rest of my life 😞

Angela:  Exactly. Roe v. Wade has never looked so fragile. And LGBTQ rights. And... gah... everything. Just everything.

Brittany:  And I wouldn't be surprised if marriage equality and reproductive rights become things only accessible to people lucky enough to live in the right states.

Angela:  That's exactly what I'm seeing a lot of people thinking. It'll a revert to "states rights" and everyone living I red states will be screwed.

Brittany:  Even if Congress is flipped and we get a democratic president soon, it's still going to be a problem.

Angela:  I know. Just trying to figure out how to fight this, how to move forward is hard. How do you protect yourself from the most powerful court in the land?

Brittany:  Yeah. I don't know what it's going to be like. Hopefully we get lucky and he appoints what he thinks is a reliable right winger, but get another swing voter like Kennedy, but who knows.

Angela:  I know. I'm holding my breath for that. It's all I can do.

Brittany:  Unrelated, but thanks for sharing that post about the LGBTQ camping thing. Our oldest is going this week.

Angela:  Oh yay! I can't wait to hear how it goes! How long is it?

Brittany:  3 days. It's her first time really going off to do her own thing for more than like a night at a friend's house or whatever.

Angela:  Oh, I thought it would be longer, but since it's her first time, shorter is probably better.

Brittany:  It's Wed through Fri. That's just the schedule.

Angela:  That's cool. I'm just glad it exists. Especially here.

Brittany:  Yeah. She'll be able to meet some other queer kids that way.

Angela:  Exactly. It's good to know you're not alone, you know? Especially when you're a kid.

Brittany:  Right. Maybe I would've had a better sense of my own self had I had access to something like that when I was her age.

Angela:  Right? Human connection, and knowing you aren't a "freak" (in an outcast kind of way) makes a world of difference. Something like this can give kids confidence. Seems to me like it would go a long way toward staving off all kinds of neuroses.

Brittany:  Yeah. She was pretty self-aware anyway, maybe thanks to who her parents are and the internet. She came out at 11.

Angela:  Probably. And honestly, she was probably also just born at the right time (and to the right people). I think our kids are going to be so much more adept at handling true diversity than we were, and definitely than our parents' generation.

Brittany:  Definitely.

Angela:  SPEAKING OF WHICH, the rest of the world seems to be progressing, even if America is going backwards. The World Health Organization removing transgender as a "mental illness"... I think that's huge!

Brittany:  Yeah. Hopefully the DSM will follow soon.

Angela:  How does that work? Do they have some committee that decides these things?

Brittany:  The APA revises it every so often. Homosexuality used to be listed, but was removed a few revisions ago.

Angela:  Also, I saw that the WHO didn't remove transgender entirely, but moved it to another section. Something about preserving it there for health coverage purposes?

Brittany:  There's some debate about how to classify it, but simply a medical condition as opposed to a disorder would be an improvement.

Angela:  How do you think this will affect things? This change?

Brittany:  It might help with the stigma that still exists in the mental health profession. And honestly, the diagnosis of gender dysphoria is only really an issue so treatments can have a label and be prescribed. Can't say I'm a fan of all the gate keeping that goes on. Just listen to people and react accordingly. It's not like I needed someone to tell me I was trans (though some people just starting to have these feelings might still benefit from that).

Angela:  Yes 100% to that. And I do like lifting the stigma.

Brittany:  Same, though I like lifting the stigma of "mental disorder" in general, too.

Angela:  True. You've been counseling now for a while. I know you're taking low income patients. Have you had any trans or other LGBTQ patients? (Or do you call them clients?)

Brittany:  We generally call them clients. I don't yet have any trans clients, but they tend to send LGBTQ clients to me.

Angela:  What got you interested in counseling?

Brittany:  Trauma, actually. My own. Other people's. I got my undergraduate degree in 2002 and never really started to use it until 13 years later when I decided on grad school.

Angela:  You seem to enjoy it. I mean, I'm sure it's not always fun, but it seems to be fulfilling, at least.

Brittany:  Yeah. It can be difficult at times, even triggering. And sometimes you get problematic clients, but I really love it in general. But I know what it's like to be struggling with untreated mental health issues, questioning my own gender and queerness, and not having money for any support. 

Angela:  What kind of client load do you handle? Is it a lot?

Brittany:  Eight 50 minute appointments per day for the most part. Mostly regular, but sometimes I get a new one, or an appointment from a client of someone not at work. During intake, clients who are LGBTQ and/or dealing with trauma get assigned to me because that's my expertise.

Angela:  Are they all adults, or.do you take minors, too?

Brittany:  Adults, but there is a program for children.

Angela:  Do you feel comfortable saying what organization you're working with?

Brittany:  It's in my about section if you want to look at it, but I don't want to disclose publicly. Though, if anyone asks on the blog or BB page about finding help, I can refer them.

Angela:  Great! ❤

Brittany:  I've had people I know personally be like, "Can I see you for counseling?" But no, there's an ethical issue. They can get help where I work, but not from me.

Angela:  Oh, that kind of makes sense. Also, working with trauma clients has to be hard. Do you ever have a hard time leaving your work at work?

Brittany:  Not really. It can be triggering, but when I leave my office, it stays there. I'm like the fucking queen of compartmentalization.

Angela:  Lol, that's probably good. Not everyone can do that.

Brittany:  True. You kind of have to have some ability for it given the amount of emotional labor involved.

Angela:  What kind of issues come up with your LGBTQ clients? With trauma... unfortunately, I can imagine.

Brittany:  Trauma is unfortunately fairly common. Some are closeted. Family members aren't always accepting. Being on the receiving end of bullying during the younger years is pretty common among the obviously queer. Depression and anxiety are common. I imagine when I get a trans client, they're going to need resources for support, maybe unemployment. Trans is expensive if you want to do anything medical like hormones.

Angela:  Yes, definitely. And, I imagine, it's harder for them to get work, especially here. You can "hide" being "just gay" better than transgender.

Brittany:  Yeah. Support here in general can be a little thin, compared to, say, Los Angeles. So, I wanted to help my own communities. Not to mention we're more likely to be low income and priced out of a lot of available care.

Angela:  I totally get that. There's a need, and you can help fill it. What do you tell clients who don't really have any support system to speak of? I mean... our friends are pretty supportive and awesome, but not everyone has even that.

Brittany:  Yes. 😔 I've told quite a few about support groups at the Equality Center. We don't have any queer-based group where I work. We have groups for other things though, like depression, social anxiety, etc.

Angela:  Do you think those latter groups are open and accepting enough for LGBTQ clients?

Brittany:  They are. Thankfully, it's a matter of policy.

Angela:  Oh, good. ❤ And, I am so glad Tulsa's Equality Center exists, btw. I honestly can't imagine our city without them.

Brittany:  It's actually the 6th biggest in the US. Interesting fact.

Angela:  Wow! 6th biggest... in Oklahoma?? Now I need to look up where the top 5 are located!

Brittany:  My bet would be LA, SF, NYC for 3 of them, but I haven't actually looked it up. I know LA has more than one building, but haven't been to any others.

Angela:  You're probably right. But it's surprising that ours is so high in the list. There are lots of bigger cities than ours.

Brittany:  Tulsa seems to have a lot of LGBTQ people for its size, so that helps.

Angela:  Oh, and duh, Pride! How was it? I didn't get to go! Lol. Went through the whole month of June and didn't talk about Pride. Fucking blogger fail.

Brittany:  It was fun as always. We rarely stay long, because I still can’t deal with the heat even after living here 27 years (27 years in August). I'm not really sure how many people were there, but it's been around 30,000 at times. Weird how I don't have any social anxiety at Pride or ACL, but totally everywhere else. Lol. I should've written something.

Angela:  You still can. Call the post, "It's July but Fuck It, Every Month Should Be Pride Month" 😉

Brittany:  Yeah. That's something I might actually use as a title.

Angela:  Lol, happy to help.But that really does make sense, though. That you would feel comfortable surrounded by people you know aren't going to judge you or reject you.

Brittany:  True.

Angela:  Which, I know we're winding down here, and not to start a whole new tangent, but it brings me to the question: I've seen some articles recently about some abominable excuses for people wanting to remove the "T" in LGBTQ. Which enrages me. But... have you run into any of that here?

Brittany:  I haven't run into it personally, but I see it going around sometimes, which is ridiculous considering it was fed up trans women of color who threw the first bricks and kicked off this whole movement. Fucking ingrates. Transphobia (and biphobia) are still pretty common among a lot of LG people.

Angela:  THANK YOU! It's bullshit! Like, how the fuck you gonna adopt the fucking RAINBOW as your symbol and then attempt to push out an entire classification of people like that?? Ugh.

Brittany:  Thankfully I don't see much of that sentiment in Tulsa.

Angela:  I’m glad. I hadn't either, just saw stuff online. But it was enough to raise my hackles... and make me worry. It's disturbing the places you find bigotry sometimes.

Brittany:  I think, in the not so distant future, they might realize the need as many on their team as possible, but we'll see. There are more people who embrace trans people among their number than reject them. I don't think the bigots will ever gain traction. 

The Equality Center has always been good as long as I've had any experience with it. They have trans and bi support groups, among other things. I got the therapist's number I had to see for 3 months before getting hormones from there. All it took was a phone call on my part.

Angela:  Yes. They're pretty awesome. They even host some pagan activities! Which, they don't have to. It's not specifically LGBTQ driven, but I think they recognize an ally in most pagan communities, and their underrepresentation in our region.

Brittany:  True. And they have things like the NYE party for sober people. They don't have a super narrow focus. They're big enough not to.

Angela:  They're like a beacon of love in the middle of Tulsa. 😊

Brittany:  Yeah. They're also a cooling station on nasty hot days. People from the street can enjoy the air conditioning and water whether queer or not.

Angela:  Oh, that's awesome. There are a whole lot of homeless people downtown. That can be lifesaving for them.

Brittany:  I think most stay in that area because there are more shelters and places to eat there. I see some elsewhere, though. There are remnants of someone in the field by the house near what's left of Remington tower. Never seen anyone there, but there are water bottles in trees to collect condensation. Some survivalist who doesn't want to deal with shelters, I guess.

Angela:  Probably right. And even the shelters can only help so much. Many are at or over capacity. Summertime is rough on our homeless population. Daytime, anyway. Nighttime is better. Less dangerous. Until you get to winter.

Brittany:  True, though winter is becoming less of a thing here.

Angela:  I know. Which is another kind of scary. ☹

Brittany:  I'm from the Twin Cities. I can only imagine what they do in a place even I consider cold.

Angela:  I think they probably have a lot bigger and better outreach, though. Minneapolis seems to have its shit together way better than we do when it comes to taking care of its people.

Brittany:  Yeah. I miss that. Here they don't do much, and they suck at managing finances.

Angela:  Definitely.

Brittany:  Hopefully some changes happen after November.

Angela:  YES.

Brittany:  This will be the first time I've ever had runoffs to vote in.

Angela:  Me, too! August. This is crazy.

Brittany:  Mostly I got what I wanted, though. Also crazy.

Angela:  Yeah, me too. It was like the most exciting election night since Obama won! Lol. But shit is changing. People aren't just voting for the status quo anymore. 

Brittany:  Yeah. Hell, even the republicans weren't voting for the status quo. We don't have to worry about Tood Lamb.

*Todd

Angela:  I know! So excited! I like Tood better. Let's leave it like that. 

Brittany:  Yeah. Fuck it. His name is Tood now.

Angela:  Bye bye, Tood!

Brittany:  Lol. Well, I guess we should wrap this up. 

Angela:  Yes. I need to get some shit done around the house. Have a good night with your people.

Brittany:  You, too. 🙂

We're Ba-ack!

In which Brittany and Kayla attempt to restart and catch up the whole blog (after a 5 year hiatus) in a one-hour lunchtime private chat, and mostly succeed even if it does end abruptly. But this is just the (re)beginning, friends and fam. It's a whole new world out there; we've got some shit to discuss.  

January 3, 2018

Kayla:  First of all, let’s start this off by saying I have zero specific questions prepped, so we’re going to be TOTALLY OFF THE CUFF HERE, PEOPLE. You know, how professional bloggers do it. 😉
But it’s been... gah... how long has it been now? Since our last BB convo?

Brittany:  Yeah. Just winging it here too. Most recent blog entry is from October 2012, so a long ass time.

Kayla:  Yep. Sounds about right. I’ve gotten divorced, remarried, and had a baby since then.
And you’ve clearly met the love of your life, if I can be so bold...?

Brittany:  Yeah. Still with Trisha after almost 6 years now. And Michelle has stuck around for about 2. Crazy. Good crazy, but I didn't see it coming

Kayla:  That’s fantastic! So at this point, you’re in a polyamorous relationship? Is that how you’d describe it?

Brittany:  Yeah. The 3 of us. Trisha & I were always somewhat open, but the actual 3rd person in a real relationship wasn't something we were looking for, but Michelle is awesome.

Kayla:  Do you live together, or in separate homes?

Brittany:  Together. She moved in about a year ago, not like  Trisha & I moving in together after like 2 months. And she's young. 28 in April.

Kayla:  How has that been with the kids and all? I know Trish has daughters. Is their dad supportive?

Brittany:  He doesn't seem to care, other than occasionally remarking how he wishes he had 2 girlfriends lol. He has a relationship to the girls, not much of one with the adults.

Kayla:  That’s cool. At least he’s not being a dick about it. Buckle of the Bible Belt and all that - I’ve known some cases where things were way harder.

Brittany:  Yeah. Fortunately he's about as religious as I am. I imagine being a religious person in a relationship with Trisha would be about as lovely as being with me.

Kayla:  Lol, good. But, so, where we left off... your transition... which is obviously not transitional anymore. But to catch people up, how have things been on that front since?

Brittany:  I've pretty much decided to probably not get surgery because I don't want to deal with the recovery period. My boobs are 32A from hormones. I'm pretty content with that as I'm scrawny enough that they're visible. I zapped all the facial hair off some time ago, and have worked on my voice.

Kayla:  And you’re still doing regular hormone treatments?

Brittany:  Yeah. That'll be for life.

Kayla:  Well, you’ve always spoken of them so fondly, so that’s ok.  😉

Brittany:  It took a while for them to grow. Doubt they will anymore. Makes sense though. My mom is about the same size. I got her body type, but a few more inches of height, which I never really thought about pre-transition.

Kayla:  Not everyone can be a DDD, though I suppose there are implants, if you ever decide to go that route. A lot of women do.

Brittany:  Yeah. Could happen, but probably not. If I do anything, it would be facial feminization surgery since I sort of take after my dad in that area. But then again, people on the street don't usually clock me anyway.

Kayla:  Clock you?

Brittany:  Notice I'm trans.

Kayla:  Oh, that’s not a term I’ve heard before! Where does that come from? Why ‘clock’? (I usually think of that word in terms of either being punched or a timepiece, way to keep time.)

Brittany:  I'm not actually sure where it comes from. Just part of the lingo you pick up from other trans people. Like getting clocked means you didn't "pass" as cis to the person who noticed.

Kayla:  Gotcha. I just had to ask ‘cause words/language fascinate me in general.
But do you feel that helps you, socially speaking? That you typically “pass”?

Brittany:  Yeah, but few people pass all the time. Sometimes you can tell someone is clocking you or picking up on something when they look at you weird. Thankfully, most people don't say anything. But then comes the new problem of cat callers and street harassers. Which is scary because, if they clock me in the process of harassing, that can get dangerous.

Kayla:  That was going to be my next question, even before you brought it up. How people treat you in public in blood-Red Oklahoma.

Brittany:  Yeah, that has a lot to do with why I got my carry permit and got into kickboxing with Michelle.

Kayla:  I don’t blame you. It’s a hard world for women. And it’s an especially hard world for trans women.

Brittany:  Yeah. The world is dangerous, so I became dangerous.

Kayla:  You do what you have to do to protect yourself.

Brittany:  It's not right for everyone, but it helps me feel a bit more secure.

Kayla:  Yeah, I get that.

Brittany:  Plus kickboxing is fun and totally great for fitness.

Kayla:  I can’t own a gun (personal limit) because I’m too paranoid to have them around kids/teenagers, even locked in a safe. But I’m also not trans, so I’m sure if I saw a new report every week of one of my small community getting murdered, I’d feel differently.
Lol, now I probably should get into kickboxing. I could stand to lose some pounds.  😉

Brittany:  It's one way to do it.

Kayla:  Probably more effective than sitting around watching Netflix all the time.

Brittany:  It's kind of hard to picture you kickboxing though. 20ish years of knowing you, and I've never sensed any violent inclinations on your part.

Kayla:  Lol, right? Have you built up any muscles doing that?

Brittany:  Yeah. I have good tone these days.

Kayla:  Though, I did take Tung Sudo when I was a kid. For, like, 6 months. I don’t even know if I’m still spelling that right. Maybe I should just do yoga. I need good tone, too.

Brittany:  Tang Soo Do? I looked it up. Yoga is great, too.

Kayla:  That might be right. I’ve done a little yoga.

Brittany:  I think just about every gym has toga classes.

Kayla:  Lol, I know that’s a typo, but now I’m picturing a bunch of people wrapped in sheets.

Brittany:  Lol. I didn't notice. Classes on how to dress in sheets.

Kayla:  Yes. And drink like a frat boy.

Brittany:  Yeah. I wouldn't be hanging out there

Kayla:  No drinking?

Brittany:  Not for a few years now. Or hard drugs. It was getting pretty toxic.

It's almost 1, and I have a client, so let me copy and paste real quick.

And this is where we both had to get back to our respective day jobs wihtout ceremony, as we'd run out the clock. No pun intended. But stay tuned. We like doing this better than our day jobs, anyway.

The Obligatory Childhood Post

Since you can't talk about shit like a gender transition without people wanting to know about your childhood, here's a little glimpse into mine...

The first memory I have of feeling female, or at least of feeling uncomfortable with my “maleness” was taking P.E. (physical education) in grade school. They typically had classes segregated by sex. I always felt like an outsider hanging around a bunch of boys for an hour. Dodge ball stands out. What a stupid sport anyway. All I learned was how to throw shit at people. It was ALWAYS girls verses boys. There were other occasional “battle of the sexes” activities. From the time we’re barely developed enough to piss on our own, we’re taught that boys and girls are somehow in opposition to each other. If you’re on the wrong team, you’re very aware of this.  Besides feeling like an outsider, I knew I related with the girls. I wanted them to win, even though I had to be on the losing team for that to happen. I kept this to myself as a matter of self preservation, which I’ve always had a knack for.  Most of my friends were girls. At almost 35, most of my friends are still girls. When I had typical childhood fantasies of being a rock star and that sort of thing, I was a girl. I hung out with my sister and her friends a lot, generally being the only boy.

I didn’t really have a complete concept of all this as a kid. I suspect most kids don’t, but I imagine the Internet helps these days. I just knew there was sort of a discrepancy between how I saw myself and how other people saw me. I remember starting to grow a little bit of body hair at about age 11. Then acne came along. A lot of it. It annoyed me to no end. I got bullied in the 6th grade quite a bit. I was too different from the other boys, and the train wreck that was my acne made it worse. Chased around the playground, spit on, etc. I guess it was fairly standard kid bullshit. That only made me feel that much more disconnected from them, since I apparently wasn’t enough of an asshole to be a pre-teenage boy. I wasn’t really one of the girls either, so I basically became a loner. Being left the fuck alone was as good as it got in the 6th grade.

What you learn to do is hide the things that make you a target just under the surface, which I successfully did all the way through school. When all the 1990s Grunge stuff came along, there was my perfect excuse for long hair & long pretty fingernails. I first grew my nails out at age 14 at the request of my first girlfriend. At least it turned out I have perfect nails. I was happy about that. 20 years later, I have yet to go back to having them short.

Even between high school and college, when my friend Shari and I spent a little bit of time sleeping on park benches near Cherry Street, I hated beard shadow. I might not have always cared about shower access, but I made sure to shave each day when whore bathing in the Java Dave’s restroom. She still has the 13 star flag we stole from some balcony because we needed a blanket. That was 15 or 16 years ago. Something like that. I had one of my better hair cuts around that time. My friend Marta was in beauty school. She gave me this angle cut where it was straightened, about to the bottom of my neck in the back, and as you went to the front, about chest-length. That was free. She was in school. Everyone loved it almost as much as I did. I basically presented myself as a feminine, young gay male. Once I went to college, I decided I’d grow the beard out and such, and attempt to be more masculine, but still identified as a gay male. It seemed like a good explanation for everything. I sort of switched back and forth between presenting myself as feminine and as masculine until well past 30 years of age, before I just couldn’t fake it anymore.

You can only hold a balloon underwater for so long. Eventually you’re going to get tired of it and slip. I got tired of it. It’s a lot easier to live my life when I’m not expending most of my energy trying to hold a big part of it underwater. Balloons are no fun under water anyway. Now that I’m above the surface, although there are still struggles, my life is a lot more fun and a lot more full.

My childhood sucked in the social sense (Family situation was fine. I grew up in a reasonably healthy and loving home). That may explain some of my misanthropic and anti-social tendencies. I’m slow to trust. I don’t leave home that much, as I’ve successfully organized almost my entire life within my home. Thankfully, I’m basically past it. It doesn’t torture my soul or anything like that. People seem to love me more than they ever did before. I have more friends than ever. People seem to take an interest in how I’m doing if I fall out of touch. I have my beautiful partner and our beautiful daughters. Life is so much better now that I just put it all on the table and decided to actually LIVE. Fuck those who didn’t like me when I was a child, and fuck those who don’t now. When you just be YOU and live your life, the people who do love you actually love YOU instead of some facade.