VAGINA!

I’m a lesbian. I don’t think I really fully understood that until recently, but that’s part of who I am.

I never really related to women as a man, and had minimal interest in them for most of my life. When I was really young, people just thought I was a gay male because of my mannerisms and various stereotypes. That seemed to make sense to me, and provided an opportunity for denial, so I went with it for a while. It’s easier to come out as gay than as transgender. I dated guys and primarily slept with guys for many years. The guys I was attracted to tended to be pretty feminine in appearance and mannerisms, so it basically worked. I never felt like I could relate to the average man, though. The relationships I had weren’t something I took very seriously, unlike the scattered few relationships I had with women back then. The sex was shallow. Kept me successfully hidden in the closet about my gender.

It can also feel awkward to refer to myself as lesbian regardless of how true it is. It depends on who I’m talking to. One issue is I don’t like being compared to these idiot straight men who like to say they’re “lesbian trapped in men’s bodies.” Little do they know, that shit actually happens, and I don’t care to have my situation trivialized or turned into a joke. Sometimes I also don’t feel like I’ve earned the title of lesbian. I wasn’t born with a vagina. I didn’t grow up as a girl. I had white male privilege, but only in theory. I never really knew how to use it. Giving it up has created no sense of loss.

Even recently I was referring to myself as bisexual and kind of believed that, but the truth of the matter is I never think “Oh, I’d really like some dick today.” I’m attracted to women physically and emotionally. I like pussy. I think more like women I know than men I know. I like it when women are protective of me. I can sit with another woman and have deep conversations about things involving emotions and relationships, but this is just awkward, if not impossible for me with most men. If you look at the people I’m friends with, almost all of them are female, and the ones I’m closest to and have the most intimate and fulfilling friendships with ARE ALL female. It’s been that way my entire life. Even as a young child, I almost exclusively hung out with girls. In a way, my gender identity was probably kind of obvious, but I didn’t know what it meant when I pictured myself as one of them when I was 5, 6 years old.

It isn’t that I have anything against men or can’t connect with them emotionally. It just doesn’t occur on as deep of a level. I think the longest relationship I had with a man was with Ben back in 2006. That lasted about 13 months. I don’t know HOW it lasted 13 months, but it did. All we did was fight all the time. We were living together for about the last half of that time period. He was in no way a bad person. Quite the opposite, but it was like this empty relationship. I couldn’t deal with his minor personality annoyances. I used to leave the house all the time. Basically, I spent half the relationship at Crystal and Jerry’s house or fishing with my friend Chris. The relationship eventually ended. I never really gave him as much attention as he needed. He couldn’t properly fulfill my needs. Oil and water.

My current relationship with Trisha is by far the happiest relationship I’ve ever been in. We connect emotionally and physically. I love the conversations. I love the fact that she understands me so well, & takes care of me the way she does. I feel safe and loved with her. Her sense of humor is a lot like mine. We share a love for crappy B horror and action films. The sex is also great. Every time. No man has ever made me feel the way she makes me feel.

I enjoy the family life too, which is new to me. Trisha has 2 daughters from a previous marriage. I love them like they’re my own. We’re basically a dyke couple raising children. We raise them with love and compassion, encourage them to be who they are without apologies, and teach them how to live in the world as best we can. I love taking them out to places, like the zoo, restaurants, parks, etc. I cook for everyone most days, which I fucking love. I’m good at it. I cook good meals. If you don’t think people like us can raise healthy children, you’re sorely mistaken.

I swear, at about 6 months shy of 35 years old, I feel like a fucking teenager again sometimes. All this trial and error. All this "discovering myself." It's amazing how pretty much everything in life is wrapped up in our genders. Most people can just take that for granted, so it's all very simple. Nevertheless, I'm starting to get a more complete picture of who I am & what makes me tick. Vaginas are apparently a big part of that. I might as well just be open about it.

Boxes

I don’t think it’s particularly constructive to spend a great deal of time putting people in boxes like someone with obsessive-compulsive disorder stacks pennies, nickels, dimes, and quarters in individual towers from left to right, according to value. I’m not really going to demonize people for trying to put me in boxes, given the fact that they spend at least as much time doing it to themselves and each other, but I feel as though I’m probably more sensitive and resistant to it than average.

The problem with the boxes we all create is they don’t always make as much sense as they appear to at first. Things that have nothing to do with each other get put into the same box. Either/or thinking excludes everything between ‘either’ and ‘or.’ Half the time ‘either’ and ‘or’ aren’t even opposites to begin with. Gender identity and sexual preference are constantly abused in this way.

If you’re a heterosexual woman, you’re expected to be exclusively into men. Lesbians are expected to be exclusively into other women. It works the same way if you’re male. Bisexuals are assumed to be confused,  greedy, or not half way out of the closet.  In reality, all of this is fairly fluid, subject to countless variables. I really only identify as someone who does whatever I want, but that’s just too confusing for most people. I don’t tend to refer to myself as “gay,” “straight” “bisexual,” or “lesbian” for any other reason than the convenience of others. Sometimes I’m guilty of using black and white terminology to end boring conversations.

If you’re physically transitioning from one sex to the other, a lot of people just take that to mean that you’re also becoming heterosexual, and even that heterosexuality is a primary motivation. My primary attractions are to men. That’s just how I roll. It isn’t written in stone somewhere. I didn’t sign any documents.  If I express attraction to another woman, let alone act on it, some people act like I just shot at them. It’s hilarious sometimes. If anything, there has been some increased fluidity in who I'm attracted to since beginning hormone therapy. Increased. Not new so much.  A lot of things I’m more sensitive to now aren’t really so specific to other people’s genders. And those things were there before all this to some degree or another. The fact that my sexuality in general isn’t totally one-dimensional is something I enjoy. An increased openness to experience is also something I enjoy. Plus, it gives me something to do.

As someone transitioning from male to female, I’m expected to be almost a caricature of the stereotypical, hyper-feminine woman,  as if that’s all it means to be a woman. Yeah, because that’s why I’m spending thousands of dollars doing all this--because I care so intensely what everyone thinks of me, and just want to “perform” that much more efficiently. Ironically, transgender people are big offenders in this area. If that’s who you really are, great, but I think a lot of people are probably trying to make up for lost time and end up overcompensating, not understanding why I don’t do the same.

For instance, I usually use makeup pretty much the same way most other women who wear makeup use it. I’m a jeans girl. I don’t have a dress and heels on every time I leave the house. I’m not demur. I’m not submissive unless I want to be (sometimes, but this sort of thing could be a whole separate blog entry). I don’t defer to men when I want to do something. I pack heat and happen to be a good shot. I’m good at math. I’m a computer geek. I love gory movies. I like to fuck in inappropriate places. I’m still me, just more so than I was before starting this process.

Gender is at the core of who we are. A sense of our gender and the genders of everyone around us is one of the first things people develop. Most people never have to spend a great deal of time thinking about or questioning it. But if your body doesn’t match with your brain, you will think about it a lot. My transition is not motivated by my sexuality or a desire to perform some stereotypical role. It’s something I need to do to become fully me, instead of half of me.

Conversations with Brittany

Throughout this process, Brittany and I wanted to share our conversations with our readers.  During these conversations, we talk about issues that arise from the gender transition process, we muse about social expectations and assumptions regarding gender identity, and generally shoot the shit and blow off steam.  We talk about the weird, the frustrating, the inspiring and profound.  We go off topic and amuse ourselves and are okay with the idea that some might think we're off our rockers.  Our first "captured" conversation occurred one month ago.

July 18, 2011

Kayla: I was just looking back at the Brittany party thing. How many people are coming now?

Brittany:  Shows 14 confirms and 9 maybes but some of the people who haven't replied at all will show up, so not sure exactly.

Kayla: That's cool. That's not so many people that it'll be totally overwhelming, then.  Have you told your folks yet?

Brittany:  No.  I kind of set an arbitrary deadline for before that party though.

Kayla: Is it harder than you thought? To get up the nerve to talk to them?

Brittany:  I guess so. It really seems like sort of an open secret, but it's still weird.

Kayla:    Yeah, I get that. Well... you've got 5 days, including the day of the party. No pressure, though. :}

I sort of wish you had someone that was close enough to you AND your family that could go with you to talk to them... so if things got too horribly uncomfortable, you'd have someone to leave with and talk to.

Brittany:  It could work, though. Drinking at the party would make me forget any awkwardness from a few hours prior.  But bringing someone else with would just make it weirder.

Kayla:  True! It's like people who drink before/after a self-inflicted surgery.  But, yeah... I'm sure it would be weird with someone else there.

Brittany:  Yeah.  So I'll just do it myself.

Kayla:  Like you do everything, dear. It's that pioneer spirit of yours.  I have to say, I do admire your guts.

Brittany:  It's easier that way most of the time, or at least more effective.

Kayla:   More effective to do it yourself?

Brittany:  Usually.

Kayla:  I suppose it's better than having someone like me, who's all freaked out for you, freaking you out by talking about it all the damned time. (or, that's what I imagine I might be doing, in which case I'm sorry...)

Brittany:  You're fine.  But, bringing other people would just create more variables when I want as few as possible, so I can get it done with.

Kayla:   Like a trained assassin - get in, get out, as little collateral damage as possible.

Brittany:   Haha.  Not exactly why I keep guns around, but it's an entertaining thought.

Kayla:  Well, I hope not! (the guns)  By the way, I saw you so colorfully tweeted that your “tits” were sore. (People in my office looked at me strange when I started cracking up at my desk.)  Are they growing already? Have you noticed any other obvious changes?

Brittany:  It seems like they might have grown a tiny bit.  Seems like there is more there than a month ago, but it's not likely that others can tell yet.  If it's not just me, the growth is pretty slight.

Kayla:  We should take several good photos at the party - some good profile shots, etc. A friend of mine was telling me that, when her friend went female to male, the changes were subtle but so much more obvious if you compared photos week to week. For instance, his jaw line actually got stronger over time. I didn't know that was possible (and neither did she), but she said it was pretty obvious in the photos. We might be able to tell changes like that with you if we compared them side by side.

Brittany:  True.  I figure there will be some picture taking anyway.

Kayla:  Yeah, for sure. I just want to make sure we take some good, close profile shots for this purpose. Everyone else can snap all the drunk photos they want.  ;)

Which reminds me... what will you be wearing? I have honestly never seen you dressed in anything feminine. Will you be, at the party?

Brittany:  Yeah. I'm not sure what. I'll figure it out then, but nothing elaborate. It's too fucking hot for that shit and I'm not real into frilly dresses and such anyway.

Kayla:  It is that. What about makeup? Do you "do" makeup much (beyond the obligatory Gothic eyeliner)?

Brittany:  Yeah, makeup.

Kayla:  I'm not much into frilly dresses, either. Although, when you've got more pronounced changes, I think you'd be super cute in a little sun dress. But that's just me.

Brittany:  We'll see as time goes by I guess.  I've been kind of avoiding the sun as much as I can. Heat is bad enough in the shade.

Kayla:  I just had an odd thought... do you think people expect you to be more feminine than other girls? More "made up?" I mean, I personally wear very little makeup unless it's a formal/dressy occasion, usually only eyeliner and lipstick, and often only lip balm at that, and I absolutely can't stand base. It makes me feel like I've got paint on my face.

Brittany:  Yeah.  Some people expect that.  My skin isn't great, so I do wear makeup. Sometimes makeup just generally looks good, but I'm not some caricature of a woman, but some people think that way, including a lot of trans people.

Kayla:  Right... that's what I was thinking. I think people (especially people here, with less understanding and exposure to transgender people) sort of throw all the stereotypes of what defines a particular gender at those who are transgender. Like, if you’re a transgender woman, you're supposed to be in "drag" all the time and talk like a hooker in a brothel and be completely obsessed with your looks and clothes, etc.

Kayla:  Maybe it's just me, but you never struck me as that kind of person... overdone and extreme like that.

Brittany:  Most of my friends get this stuff, but there are a few who obviously don't. I can tell who they are because they sorta disappeared.

Kayla:  What do you mean disappeared? Disappeared how? Why?

Brittany:  I don't really hear from them and haven't since I started talking about this stuff which is ok, I guess. Two people, out of however many I know, is an insignificant percentage.

Kayla:  They disappeared because you're transgender or because you don't fit their stereotype of what a transgender person should look/act like?

Brittany:  I don't know. If someone needs something explained, fine, but I don't have fucking time trying to explain things to people who just don't have the intellectual capacity to comprehend it.

Kayla:  Ha! So, I'm assuming some of these folks were just assholes all the way around about the whole thing?

Brittany:  Not really assholes. Just clueless, thinking nothing is going to change, or getting people like me confused with drag queens.

Kayla:  It makes sense that there were only a very few who bailed on you.  Seems to me like most of your friends are from "our world" (the club kids and larger body of "freaks" in the Tulsa area). I don't see any of your real friends being stupid like that.

Brittany:  Yeah. Most people don't have any issues.

Kayla:  It's the stereotypes that irritate me. You're a human being. Not a cartoon character.

Brittany:  It's 10 till 8, if you need to know.

Kayla:  Crap. I knew it was getting close. Thanks for letting me know. Ok, I'm gonna' get off here. I'll email you tomorrow and we'll work out more time to talk.

Brittany:  Cool. Ok, well have fun doing whatever you do at home. Talk to you tomorrow.