This Shit Gay AF

I forgot to post something Pride-related during Pride Month (June). I mean, honestly though, every month is Pride for me. I keep at 5 by 3 foot rainbow flag on the wall in our gaming room literally all year long. And of course, some cities have Pride celebrations outside of June for various reasons.

The first time I went to an LGBTQ+ Pride celebration was Tulsa Pride in 1996. At the time Tulsa Pride was pretty young, with the first having been in 1983. I was also fairly young (18), and somewhat unsure of and experimenting with where I fit within the the sexuality and gender spectrums, but I had that feeling one occasionally has in the right environment where I felt at home. Since then I've only missed a few scattered years, mostly when I was getting my undergraduate degree in Tahlequah, OK. They didn't have Pride events there then, being a small college town, though 5 years ago they began having Pride celebrations, so things are gradually progressing there.

Since then I've come to understand myself as a transgender lesbian woman. My partners are queer cis-gender women, and our oldest daughter, who posseses a self awareness I wish I had as a kid came out as bisexual about 3 years ago, at age 11.

The point of Pride celebrations is to celebrate who we are in a world that doesn't otherwise make any effort to uplift us, build community, be visible, and stand against the all too common discrimination and violence against the LGBTQ+ population.

I want to post a brief history of Pride. I'm totally gay for history like that. A little internet searching can take you into greater detail if you're inclined.

There were earlier uprisings such as Compton's Cafeteria in San Francisco. Police raiding gay bars back then was pretty common. Trans women and drag queens would be arrested. On June 28, 1969, patrons of Stonewall Inn bar in Manhattan (now a national monument at it's current location. Thanks Obama <3) finally got fed up and rioted. Bystanders joined in. That went on all night and some beyond that. If you've seen the movie Stonewall where a bunch of white cis gay guys were throwing the first bricks, it's historically inaccurate, which is partially why it bombed at the box office. The first bricks and other items thrown were thrown by trans women, butch lesbians, and queens of color. Even mainstream LGBTQ organizations often forget this. A year later, the first Pride events took place.

The Pride flag was created by San Francisco artist Gilbert Baker in 1978. From red on top to purple on bottom, the colors stand for life, healing, sunlight, nature, harmony, and spirit. Pink (sexuality) and turquoise (art/magic) were removed. In 2017, the Philadelphia Office of LGBT Affairs created Pride flags with a black and brown stripe to symbolize inclusion of black and brown people in the movement because sadly white gays aren't a whole lot less racist than white straights. I don't see them a lot, but they're around, even outside Philadelphia.

In recent years, there have been people calling for "straight pride," and even a few events boasting like 20 people showing up.

You don't need a straight pride. Straight people weren't being harassed and arrested on nonsensical morality charges a few decades ago. Straight people have always been able to marry (unless you were an interracial couple in the US, which wasn't legal until 1967). You didn't have to wait until 2015 if you lived in the wrong state. You aren't still waiting because you live in the wrong country. A man and woman holding hands in public don't face harassment or violence for doing so.

Meanwhile, back to the frequently disappointing present. We have the most homophobic, trans-phobic, and racist shit show of a White House administration in modern history. Trump and Co. have tried, and so far failed, to ban trans people from serving in the military despite actual opposition from actual military leaders who know a hell of a lot more about military matters than Cadet Bone Spurs ever will. SCOTUS is about to be leaning to the right for the rest of my life. The religious fanatics are licking their chops at the prospect of being able to undermine marriage equality, as well as reproductive rights. Jeff Sessions, who may or may not be the world's oldest vampire, just announced the creation of a "Religious Liberty Task Force" (This means allowing Christians to discriminate and nothing more) because not allowing evangelical Christian organizations and individuals to discriminate against queer people and anyone they disagree with is somehow oppressive toward Christians in the minds of bigots and these old men who may or may not jack off to The Handmaid's Tale every Wednesday. There have been 16 murders of trans women, mostly black trans women, so far this year. Anti-LGBTQ violence in general is on the rise. Earlier this year, some fuckwits shot at the windows of the Tulsa Equality Center in the middle of the night (fortunately, no one was there).

This is why we still need Pride. This is also why we do not need straight pride. None of the above threatens cis-gender heterosexual people. If you want to have your stupid events with your 20 friends, I don't really care, but don't go around acting like being cis, Christian, and straight opens you up to any kind of oppression.

There are still some small signs of progress here and there. Here in Tulsa, they renamed part of a street downtown Pride Street right before the events of the weekend. Our reasonable human of a mayor (a rare treat in this teabilly state) even attended the event.

Our community has survived since the begining of humanity, and we will continue to persevere. You can't erase us. Those in power now won't be in power forever. Society will begin evolving again.

We're here. We're queer. Get used to it.

                                                 Pride Street, Tulsa, OK 2018. Photo: Tulsa World

Chat: Politics, Queer Counseling, and WTF Happened to Pride

In which Brittany and Angela discuss the recent Oklahoma midterm elections, current-ish events, Brittany's day job, and then realize they never posted a damn thing about Pride. 

Angela:  Mannnnnn so much has happened in the world since we last talked. Justice Kennedy's retirement has me pretty well petrified.

Brittany:  Yeah. I fully expect SCOTUS to be an arm of the republican party for the rest of my life 😞

Angela:  Exactly. Roe v. Wade has never looked so fragile. And LGBTQ rights. And... gah... everything. Just everything.

Brittany:  And I wouldn't be surprised if marriage equality and reproductive rights become things only accessible to people lucky enough to live in the right states.

Angela:  That's exactly what I'm seeing a lot of people thinking. It'll a revert to "states rights" and everyone living I red states will be screwed.

Brittany:  Even if Congress is flipped and we get a democratic president soon, it's still going to be a problem.

Angela:  I know. Just trying to figure out how to fight this, how to move forward is hard. How do you protect yourself from the most powerful court in the land?

Brittany:  Yeah. I don't know what it's going to be like. Hopefully we get lucky and he appoints what he thinks is a reliable right winger, but get another swing voter like Kennedy, but who knows.

Angela:  I know. I'm holding my breath for that. It's all I can do.

Brittany:  Unrelated, but thanks for sharing that post about the LGBTQ camping thing. Our oldest is going this week.

Angela:  Oh yay! I can't wait to hear how it goes! How long is it?

Brittany:  3 days. It's her first time really going off to do her own thing for more than like a night at a friend's house or whatever.

Angela:  Oh, I thought it would be longer, but since it's her first time, shorter is probably better.

Brittany:  It's Wed through Fri. That's just the schedule.

Angela:  That's cool. I'm just glad it exists. Especially here.

Brittany:  Yeah. She'll be able to meet some other queer kids that way.

Angela:  Exactly. It's good to know you're not alone, you know? Especially when you're a kid.

Brittany:  Right. Maybe I would've had a better sense of my own self had I had access to something like that when I was her age.

Angela:  Right? Human connection, and knowing you aren't a "freak" (in an outcast kind of way) makes a world of difference. Something like this can give kids confidence. Seems to me like it would go a long way toward staving off all kinds of neuroses.

Brittany:  Yeah. She was pretty self-aware anyway, maybe thanks to who her parents are and the internet. She came out at 11.

Angela:  Probably. And honestly, she was probably also just born at the right time (and to the right people). I think our kids are going to be so much more adept at handling true diversity than we were, and definitely than our parents' generation.

Brittany:  Definitely.

Angela:  SPEAKING OF WHICH, the rest of the world seems to be progressing, even if America is going backwards. The World Health Organization removing transgender as a "mental illness"... I think that's huge!

Brittany:  Yeah. Hopefully the DSM will follow soon.

Angela:  How does that work? Do they have some committee that decides these things?

Brittany:  The APA revises it every so often. Homosexuality used to be listed, but was removed a few revisions ago.

Angela:  Also, I saw that the WHO didn't remove transgender entirely, but moved it to another section. Something about preserving it there for health coverage purposes?

Brittany:  There's some debate about how to classify it, but simply a medical condition as opposed to a disorder would be an improvement.

Angela:  How do you think this will affect things? This change?

Brittany:  It might help with the stigma that still exists in the mental health profession. And honestly, the diagnosis of gender dysphoria is only really an issue so treatments can have a label and be prescribed. Can't say I'm a fan of all the gate keeping that goes on. Just listen to people and react accordingly. It's not like I needed someone to tell me I was trans (though some people just starting to have these feelings might still benefit from that).

Angela:  Yes 100% to that. And I do like lifting the stigma.

Brittany:  Same, though I like lifting the stigma of "mental disorder" in general, too.

Angela:  True. You've been counseling now for a while. I know you're taking low income patients. Have you had any trans or other LGBTQ patients? (Or do you call them clients?)

Brittany:  We generally call them clients. I don't yet have any trans clients, but they tend to send LGBTQ clients to me.

Angela:  What got you interested in counseling?

Brittany:  Trauma, actually. My own. Other people's. I got my undergraduate degree in 2002 and never really started to use it until 13 years later when I decided on grad school.

Angela:  You seem to enjoy it. I mean, I'm sure it's not always fun, but it seems to be fulfilling, at least.

Brittany:  Yeah. It can be difficult at times, even triggering. And sometimes you get problematic clients, but I really love it in general. But I know what it's like to be struggling with untreated mental health issues, questioning my own gender and queerness, and not having money for any support. 

Angela:  What kind of client load do you handle? Is it a lot?

Brittany:  Eight 50 minute appointments per day for the most part. Mostly regular, but sometimes I get a new one, or an appointment from a client of someone not at work. During intake, clients who are LGBTQ and/or dealing with trauma get assigned to me because that's my expertise.

Angela:  Are they all adults, or.do you take minors, too?

Brittany:  Adults, but there is a program for children.

Angela:  Do you feel comfortable saying what organization you're working with?

Brittany:  It's in my about section if you want to look at it, but I don't want to disclose publicly. Though, if anyone asks on the blog or BB page about finding help, I can refer them.

Angela:  Great! ❤

Brittany:  I've had people I know personally be like, "Can I see you for counseling?" But no, there's an ethical issue. They can get help where I work, but not from me.

Angela:  Oh, that kind of makes sense. Also, working with trauma clients has to be hard. Do you ever have a hard time leaving your work at work?

Brittany:  Not really. It can be triggering, but when I leave my office, it stays there. I'm like the fucking queen of compartmentalization.

Angela:  Lol, that's probably good. Not everyone can do that.

Brittany:  True. You kind of have to have some ability for it given the amount of emotional labor involved.

Angela:  What kind of issues come up with your LGBTQ clients? With trauma... unfortunately, I can imagine.

Brittany:  Trauma is unfortunately fairly common. Some are closeted. Family members aren't always accepting. Being on the receiving end of bullying during the younger years is pretty common among the obviously queer. Depression and anxiety are common. I imagine when I get a trans client, they're going to need resources for support, maybe unemployment. Trans is expensive if you want to do anything medical like hormones.

Angela:  Yes, definitely. And, I imagine, it's harder for them to get work, especially here. You can "hide" being "just gay" better than transgender.

Brittany:  Yeah. Support here in general can be a little thin, compared to, say, Los Angeles. So, I wanted to help my own communities. Not to mention we're more likely to be low income and priced out of a lot of available care.

Angela:  I totally get that. There's a need, and you can help fill it. What do you tell clients who don't really have any support system to speak of? I mean... our friends are pretty supportive and awesome, but not everyone has even that.

Brittany:  Yes. 😔 I've told quite a few about support groups at the Equality Center. We don't have any queer-based group where I work. We have groups for other things though, like depression, social anxiety, etc.

Angela:  Do you think those latter groups are open and accepting enough for LGBTQ clients?

Brittany:  They are. Thankfully, it's a matter of policy.

Angela:  Oh, good. ❤ And, I am so glad Tulsa's Equality Center exists, btw. I honestly can't imagine our city without them.

Brittany:  It's actually the 6th biggest in the US. Interesting fact.

Angela:  Wow! 6th biggest... in Oklahoma?? Now I need to look up where the top 5 are located!

Brittany:  My bet would be LA, SF, NYC for 3 of them, but I haven't actually looked it up. I know LA has more than one building, but haven't been to any others.

Angela:  You're probably right. But it's surprising that ours is so high in the list. There are lots of bigger cities than ours.

Brittany:  Tulsa seems to have a lot of LGBTQ people for its size, so that helps.

Angela:  Oh, and duh, Pride! How was it? I didn't get to go! Lol. Went through the whole month of June and didn't talk about Pride. Fucking blogger fail.

Brittany:  It was fun as always. We rarely stay long, because I still can’t deal with the heat even after living here 27 years (27 years in August). I'm not really sure how many people were there, but it's been around 30,000 at times. Weird how I don't have any social anxiety at Pride or ACL, but totally everywhere else. Lol. I should've written something.

Angela:  You still can. Call the post, "It's July but Fuck It, Every Month Should Be Pride Month" 😉

Brittany:  Yeah. That's something I might actually use as a title.

Angela:  Lol, happy to help.But that really does make sense, though. That you would feel comfortable surrounded by people you know aren't going to judge you or reject you.

Brittany:  True.

Angela:  Which, I know we're winding down here, and not to start a whole new tangent, but it brings me to the question: I've seen some articles recently about some abominable excuses for people wanting to remove the "T" in LGBTQ. Which enrages me. But... have you run into any of that here?

Brittany:  I haven't run into it personally, but I see it going around sometimes, which is ridiculous considering it was fed up trans women of color who threw the first bricks and kicked off this whole movement. Fucking ingrates. Transphobia (and biphobia) are still pretty common among a lot of LG people.

Angela:  THANK YOU! It's bullshit! Like, how the fuck you gonna adopt the fucking RAINBOW as your symbol and then attempt to push out an entire classification of people like that?? Ugh.

Brittany:  Thankfully I don't see much of that sentiment in Tulsa.

Angela:  I’m glad. I hadn't either, just saw stuff online. But it was enough to raise my hackles... and make me worry. It's disturbing the places you find bigotry sometimes.

Brittany:  I think, in the not so distant future, they might realize the need as many on their team as possible, but we'll see. There are more people who embrace trans people among their number than reject them. I don't think the bigots will ever gain traction. 

The Equality Center has always been good as long as I've had any experience with it. They have trans and bi support groups, among other things. I got the therapist's number I had to see for 3 months before getting hormones from there. All it took was a phone call on my part.

Angela:  Yes. They're pretty awesome. They even host some pagan activities! Which, they don't have to. It's not specifically LGBTQ driven, but I think they recognize an ally in most pagan communities, and their underrepresentation in our region.

Brittany:  True. And they have things like the NYE party for sober people. They don't have a super narrow focus. They're big enough not to.

Angela:  They're like a beacon of love in the middle of Tulsa. 😊

Brittany:  Yeah. They're also a cooling station on nasty hot days. People from the street can enjoy the air conditioning and water whether queer or not.

Angela:  Oh, that's awesome. There are a whole lot of homeless people downtown. That can be lifesaving for them.

Brittany:  I think most stay in that area because there are more shelters and places to eat there. I see some elsewhere, though. There are remnants of someone in the field by the house near what's left of Remington tower. Never seen anyone there, but there are water bottles in trees to collect condensation. Some survivalist who doesn't want to deal with shelters, I guess.

Angela:  Probably right. And even the shelters can only help so much. Many are at or over capacity. Summertime is rough on our homeless population. Daytime, anyway. Nighttime is better. Less dangerous. Until you get to winter.

Brittany:  True, though winter is becoming less of a thing here.

Angela:  I know. Which is another kind of scary. ☹

Brittany:  I'm from the Twin Cities. I can only imagine what they do in a place even I consider cold.

Angela:  I think they probably have a lot bigger and better outreach, though. Minneapolis seems to have its shit together way better than we do when it comes to taking care of its people.

Brittany:  Yeah. I miss that. Here they don't do much, and they suck at managing finances.

Angela:  Definitely.

Brittany:  Hopefully some changes happen after November.

Angela:  YES.

Brittany:  This will be the first time I've ever had runoffs to vote in.

Angela:  Me, too! August. This is crazy.

Brittany:  Mostly I got what I wanted, though. Also crazy.

Angela:  Yeah, me too. It was like the most exciting election night since Obama won! Lol. But shit is changing. People aren't just voting for the status quo anymore. 

Brittany:  Yeah. Hell, even the republicans weren't voting for the status quo. We don't have to worry about Tood Lamb.

*Todd

Angela:  I know! So excited! I like Tood better. Let's leave it like that. 

Brittany:  Yeah. Fuck it. His name is Tood now.

Angela:  Bye bye, Tood!

Brittany:  Lol. Well, I guess we should wrap this up. 

Angela:  Yes. I need to get some shit done around the house. Have a good night with your people.

Brittany:  You, too. 🙂

State of the State a/k/a How to Help Your Kids Survive in America

In which Brittany and Angela discuss local politics and the state of the country and the subtle (and not-so-subtle) attacks on the LGBTQ+ community and other minorities of late. We wish we could make this post more fun, but shit has definitely reached the level of Way Too Fucking Real and we just can't candy-coat these things. Sorry, Loves. 

Angela:  Sorry I'm so late. My Sunday got a little sidetracked. But, what's been going on in your world?

Brittany:  Not too much. We went to Mayfest for a bit yesterday, and Trisha and Michelle wanted to go again today. I'm getting some alone time while they have their date (girls are with their dad).

Angela:  Oh, that's nice! We skipped Mayfest this year. Too many home projects going on.

And then Brittany and Angela embarked upon a private conversation about one of Angela's children, which she's chosen to omit so as not to embarrass said offspring. You didn't want to hear about all that mom stuff, anyway.

Brittany:  So anyway, onto our real topic?

Angela:  Lol, yes. Sorry. 

Brittany:  Haha. I totally contributed, too.

Angela:  We were going to discuss the implications of our illustrious governor signing off on that adoption bill. Which I really hope is not constitutional, but... are lgbtq+ a protected class yet, federally?

Brittany:  Yeah. It isn't a ban, and she actually stated that the state agencies would not discriminate. Saw it on News on 6 I think. She made a point of it, but someone is probably going to discriminate at some point, and we'll see where that legal battle goes.

And no, not federally.

It's a cheap shot at attempting to undermine marriage equality like a lot of shitty bills states are passing.

Angela:  But, thing is... even more than trampling on adoptive parents' rights, religious adoption agencies and churches are, from what I understand, pretty big players in the adoption world... won't this trample on the children's rights by limiting their options to find adoptive parents? I mean, they have no control over who has control over them. And it's hard to get adopted if you aren't a perfectly healthy infant.

Brittany:  It would limit their potential homes with those agencies. Also, a lot of those kids are LGBTQ+. Who knows how many the agencies don't know about… or DO know about. Nothing good comes from them being placed with anti-queer parents or foster parents if the agencies prefer them.

Angela:  Gods... yes. That's just terrifying. The suicide rate is already high for these youths. And the rate of runaways and LGBTQ+ minors getting kicked out of the home. 

Brittany:  The whole national climate has been feeling pretty homo/trans phobic lately. States passing discriminatory "religious freedom" laws, Trump banning trans people from the military (or attempting to). The CDC just decided to stop collecting data for LGBTQ people, specifically. It doesn't create a supportive environment when the government seems to want to erase us entirely.

Angela:  For all that progress made... idk how we could have let the nation just slip back into the Dark Ages like this.

Brittany:  It has Pence's stink all over it. Trump probably wouldn't think of half this shit on his own, but it's a good way to keep the base happy. It's no wonder anti-LGBTQ violence has been up lately.

Angela:  I know it. This with the revisiting of anti-abortion laws... shit is getting out of control fast.

Brittany:  Yeah. I was surprised when Fallin vetoed a total abortion ban here a while back, but she probably didn't want the court battles.

Angela:  Surprising, also, considering the court battles she'll be fighting on this adoption bill.

Brittany:  She's termed out. She doesn't care. Going to be someone else's problem.

But I'm not happy with the trend of subtly treating us like we're something that needs to be pushed under the rug or generally frowned upon. Especially seeing what types of people feel all super validated in their bigotry right now.

Angela:  Well, exactly! A lot of these ultra-conservatives have some wicked skeletons in their closets. Child porn, rape, molestation. Hell, even the milder stuff like hiring hookers and using campaign funds to keep the hookers quiet. These are some twisted people trying to use "morality" as some kind of weapon against law abiding citizens. It's beyond shameful.

Brittany:  True. It's not so rare I hear about one of these people getting caught doing the things they claim to hate. 

My daughters are black, and the oldest is bi. I worry about them being out in this climate sometimes.

Angela:  I hear you. I'm hoping we can get back some control in the midterms.

Brittany:  Granted, the climate has never been ideal, and I remember before Obama, who helped a lot, but my bi kid turns 14 in August. She doesn't remember much before that.

Angela:  Have you and your daughters talked about this much? The state of the country and what we're facing here?

Brittany:  We do. That and police violence, and what to do if bothered by cops. Racism and queerphobic attitudes obviously intersect.

Angela:  What kinds of things do you tell them? How do you approach it?

Brittany:  Be aware of their surroundings, be super cooperative and friendly with a cop even if that cop is being a dick, hands visible, etc. Charity wouldn't be visibly queer unless she's holding another girl's hand or something, but she knows surroundings matter, even though such things shouldn't be a complex fucking science.

Angela:  True. Sigh. Have they run into any problems in school?

Brittany:  I have the benefit of being white. No one looks at me because of that, but people of color are often being looked at for that alone. Any other things bigots might take issue with are that much more likely to be noticed too at that point since they're already in policing mode. They don't. Our youngest is probably straight, but Charity is pretty open. Other kids don't seem to care that much. 

And there have been no problems with teachers or school cops so far. But you never know. Anything could happen.

Angela:  I know. Especially these days.

Brittany:  Some nutjob gets a hold of his dad's guns... idk how any of what's happening could look like "great" to anyone. My parents never had to worry about my appearance being policed or anything. I was just another white boy. And shootings seemed somewhat less common. We didn't even have school cops when I was a kid

It seems like all these hateful fuckers got what they wanted in 2016, but they're still all angry and violent.

Angela:  True. Though, for people of color, especially black people, that problem has been around for them for, well, probably as long as America has existed.

But the school shootings... that's another thing entirely.

Brittany:  Yeah. I went that direction somehow, maybe because they have actual shooting drills, which is scary.

Angela:  I know. We never had anything like this when we were kids. It's insane.

Brittany:  I have minimal faith that liberals will do much about gun control, but at least when things change, the climate of violent male entitlement and open bigotry will probably be somewhat less intense. Just tired of waiting, and this administration and their policies are still young. Even the TX shooter picked his location where his ex gf was. Big surprise there.

That link I posted the other day... You know it's a fucked up climate if that woman can go harass a trans woman in the bathroom and fucking live stream it, though in LA that'll probably sink her political ambitions.

Angela:  Absolutely, it's fucked up! And Roy Moore almost winning an election, and the GOP having actual known white supremacists on the ticket.

And the Dems' inability to stand on their damn principles is why I've decided to vote for the most progressive candidate there is, in any race, even when "the party" says they can't win. I'm pretty much done being told to vote for whoever they've picked as their darling when this kind of shit is on the line. Especially in the primaries. That's when you really get the chance to make your voice heard, but people still shy away from great fucking candidates who will actually DO SOMETHING.

Brittany:  My best hope for dems is they'll do slightly more than the nothing that is getting done now. Everything is fucking upside down. 

Angela:  They're almost worthless. We need people who aren't going to bow and scrape to the middle ground.

Brittany:  But at least they can generally be trusted not to nurture an openly bigoted climate at this point.

Angela:  True. I’ll vote for any Democrat in a general election if that’s all I’ve got. But I feel the Dems are just as guilty in allowing all this shit to happen. I mean, obviously I am a Democrat. I just want my party to do better. To be better.

Brittany:  Yeah. And they have little history of really standing up to the NRA. They still have work to do regarding equal rights, but at least Obama nudged them in the right direction.

Angela:  Yes. A lot of people (progressives) have issues with some of Obama's policies, but we can't deny that he did some really good work, too.

Brittany:  True.

Angela:  We needed him. I'd take him back in a heartbeat.

Brittany:  I think they're likely to become more progressive, however gradually, because that's the only way they're going to win.

Angela:  I think that's true, too. Especially when so many of us are so pissed at the old "centrist" line. Fuck that. There are lives on the line. And the middle has lost us all the ground we ever had.

Brittany:  As much as I want universal health care, what I want more is for my daughters, my partners, other people of color, myself, and other queer and trans people to be able to feel reasonably safe on the street, at school, if approached by a cop, etc.

Angela:  But, uh, while we're on the topic of politics and bad governors signing shitty legislation, any thoughts yet on who you like for governor this next election? 

Brittany:  Looking at Connie Johnson, but not totally decided yet.

Angela:  I <3 Connie Johnson.

And I think, as for police violence, we're gonna need an entire systemic overhaul.

Brittany:  Yeah. We need a change. Tired of what's been the status quo the entire fucking time I've lived down here.

Angela:  Yes. And yes, so tired.

Brittany:  I think watching TV is increasing my typos. Have fun editing. LOL.

Angela:  Lol, it's fine.

Brittany:  Kind of veered off the main topic, but then again all these things we talk about intersect, so maybe it's not as chaotic as it seems.

Angela:  I agree. And I'm sure this stuff will come up again in the future. We'll zone in where we can.

Brittany:  I should probably wrap this up. Mayfest closes soon, and I'm grilling when the partners and kids get home.

Angela:  Yeah, I need to start on dinner, too. Ok, I'll get this edited and let you know when it's ready! 

Brittany:  Ok. Have fun.

Angela:  Lol, you, too!

And then Brittany and Angela went on their merry ways, feeding their families and living their normal, everyday, flaming liberal/progressive lives, rubbing elbows with the racists and bigots and working to keep themselves, and the rest of humanity, safe. Sometimes just existing is an act of defiance. 

Love Doesn't Divide. It Multiplies

Polyamory (from Greek πολύ poly, "many, several", and Latin amor, "love") is the practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships with more than one partner, with the knowledge of all partners. It has been described as "consensual, ethical, and responsible non-monogamy.

I italicized some words there for a reason. If you are fucking and/or dating someone behind your partner's back, that isn't polyamory. That's you being a cheating shit.

I am in a polyamorous relationship with the 2 women who have become the loves of my life, Trisha and Michelle. I met Trisha at a job selling computers years ago. We started seeing each other casually, and it wasn't long before we made it a formal relationship and moved in together as a family of 4 (she has 2 daughters, who I love as much as if they were my own, from a previous relationship) in 2012. While we always had an open relationship, neither of us really met anyone we got serious with for quite a while. I met Michelle 4 days into starting graduate school for our Master's degrees in counseling psychology in 2015 (we are both mental health professionals now). She actually asked me to come smoke with her between classes. I had quit before then, but went with her anyway. She saw me texting Trisha. It was obvious enough to her that I was texting a romantic partner, so she asked if we were monogamous. The answer being no, we went out on a couple dates and casual encounters, which quickly became dates and casual encounters for all 3 of us. The casual thing seems to be the default for all of us. We're shamelessly slutty like that. It went on that way for about a year before the 3 of us made the well thought out decision to make it a more formal relationship and live our lives together.

Communication and boundaries are key in any relationship, and that much more so as the number of people increases. We didn't get serious about our relationship on a whim. If you open up a relationship or want to bring someone else into a relationship, it requires conversations and boundary setting. What people want varies. It may be casual sex with other people only, it may be one partner having a serious relationship with someone else, more than 2 partners in a closed group (not seeing anyone outside the group), an open group like us (though we're introverted and aren't actively looking for anything beyond what we currently have, so it's mostly theoretical), etc. If you jump into it without communicating and coming up with something that works for everyone involved, and working through any unexpected feelings that come up, it's probably going to start to become unhealthy fairly quickly and wind up failing to work out.

My family and friends, those of my partners', and the girls' father have always been fine with it. I think everyone just expects lifelong weirdos like us to do unconventional shit. Other people respond to the knowledge of poly relationships in a variety of ways. I've had someone say it's "pimp." No honey. Pimping is a type of profession. I'm not profiting from this, although the triple income situation comes in handy when it comes to bills. A lot of people assume we're kinky. We are, which I could and might make an entire blog entry about in the future, but not all poly people are kinky, and not all monogamous people are vanilla. Some wonder, why be in a relationship at all if not monogamous? Why do anything? Because it makes us happy and we help each other grow as people. Some sort of exoticize it. It isn't very exotic in our case. We're like any other family, working jobs, helping the girls with homework when they need it, having dinner together, taking care of pets and the house, laughing together, etc. The only difference from most families is there are 3 moms. Reactions from the general public are minimal. People see a small group of women together, assume heterosexuality, and think we're friends. Most people aren't very imaginative, with the occasional exception of some pervy man creep seeing us showing affection and wanting a free show or to get in on it. Really, men. How many times have you harassed women on the street and actually got some ass? If common decency is really so foreign to you, maybe just give up for practical reasons? For that reason, and to minimize dealing with people's biases and stupid questions in general, we have to be somewhat careful where we show a lot of affection.

Our relationship isn't just 3 people together. We also have one on one relationships with each other, though that's the bulk of it. Michelle and I have things we do together. Same with Michelle and Trisha, and Trisha and I. We also make time just for ourselves. Like I said before, we're introverts. Of course, feelings of jealousy can come up, but that will happen sooner or later in any relationship. Communicating about feelings and respecting boundaries make all the difference. You have to talk. Mind games and vaguebooking don't do anyone any good. Polyamory isn't for the passive aggressive. It isn't healthy in a monogamous relationship, either. Trisha, Michelle, and I pretty much have our boundaries and communication down. We've been together. We feel what a lot of poly people call compersion, which is basically the opposite of jealousy. For instance when I see pleasure being shared between my partners, it brings me joy, not anger or anxiety.

Polyamory isn't for everyone, and that's fine. Monogamy is perfectly valid, but just because something is popular, doesn't mean it's the only valid way of doing things. What I described in this post is just our particular relationship. It isn't meant to be an instruction manual, though some basics, like communication and boundaries, are important however you want to manage your relationship.

If you're curious about or considering consensual non-monogamy or polyamory, these books are good for newcomers to learn more about it:

Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships

The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures

A Very Poly Relationship

Special note for our readers: Brittany's cohort in these blog chats has been flying under the pseudonym "Kayla" in previous posts due to the strongly conservative nature of her day job. She has since moved onto another company and so feels comfortable now going by her given name, Angela, and sharing on her personal social media to help boost the signal. Just, ya know, in case you were confused. Kayla=Angela, same broad. 😉

We open on an overcast afternoon, with Brittany and Angela catching up on their day, waiting for it to rain. The conversation quickly turns... alternative. 

Angela: I'm here!

Brittany: Same!

Angela: Yay! How are the puppers?

Brittany:  They're happy. There is a small field not too far from here. They seem to understand to stay off the street, so we let them run around there.

Angela:  Good dogs! I have to work just trying to keep mine from darting out the front door for her favorite game: Jail Break (watch the humans chase me!)

Brittany:  Thought it was supposed to rain today, but fuck no. Kiara is watering the gardens. This place has become like a humid desert lately.

Angela:  Ugh, yes. But my eldest had to walk to work today, so I’m ok with it holding out for just a little

Brittany:  Yeah. We have the windows open. I was just going to water, but my 11 year old volunteered. A preteen volunteering to do shit. Lol. Bizarro World

Angela:  Definitely! I ask our teenagers (multiple) to do things around the house and I get the world’s longest “UUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH“

Brittany:  Fortunately, we only have 2. Charity is 13. They aren't real confrontational over minor shit most of the time.

Angela:  Well, sprinkle some magic dust on her to keep her willingly helpful for as long as possible.

Brittany:  Lol. They're a lot easier than I was.

Angela:  I was fairly compliant (natural people-pleaser). I just snuck around and lied about shit.

But, I saw on FB you went out with your ladies last night. How was that? It was supposedly something super gay.  

Brittany:  Pretty good. We actually ate at home, but went to see a late showing of Love, Simon. Simon is totally gay.

Angela:  I haven’t even heard of this. (So, in white-cis-Oklahoma that means it must be Gay.)

Brittany:  Yeah. We found it surfing Fandango to see what movies are around. We'll probably see A Wrinkle in Time sometime soon, too. We'll definitely take the girls to that one,

Angela:  I want to see A Wrinkle in Time, too. 
Was Simon playing at The Circle (our little Indie arthouse theater that isn’t afraid of The Gay, for our out-of-town readers), or a mainstream theater?

Brittany:  Mainstream at Promenade. Maybe other places too, but Promenade is close, so we generally go there. 

Angela:  When we lived dover there, we practically lived at the AMC across from Promenade. Now we live at the Warren because it has a cry room. (More clarification for our readers - if you don't know, a cry room is a nice little soundproof place where parents can take babies and little kids to watch a movie on the big screen without worrying that their screaming offspring will disturb other movie-goers. This is not, in fact, a place where you go to cry about your life. Unless the toddler in question is dumping a vat of pink lemonade onto your cell phone... then you might cry in there, too.)

Brittany:  Last night was a date night, since the girls weren't here.

Angela:  Nice! I know you generally have an IDGAF attitude about these things (which is enviable), but do you gals ever get any flack when you’re all out together? I mean, do you think people realize you’re obviously together, romantically, the 3 of you?

Brittany:  Now and then, if we're being affectionate enough and not in a dark theater where no one can see it. More often, people just assume we're friends because they're used to seeing hetero monogamous people. Or at least male/female couples, and they just assume heterosexuality and monogamy on their part.

Angela:  Do you feel like you have to act differently in public (more so than a hetero couple or even a monogamous same-sex couple) than at home? Like, do you consciously keep the  PDA to a minimum?

Brittany:  It depends on where we are and whether we care on any given day. We're kind of careful if we're in an environment that seems sketchy. Then places like the dyke bar are totally fine. People just find it interesting. 

But sometimes we honestly don't give a fuck.

If we're at some gas station in the sticks between Dallas and here, we're more careful.

Angela:  That makes sense. I was also thinking that it helps a little that you’re all women. Women are known to be more outwardly affectionate than men, so seeing 3 girls holding hands or with their arms around each other wouldn’t necessarily seem “gross” or “offensive," like it would if you were men.

Sadly

Brittany:  It does. Until you get some perv wanting to get it on it.

Angela:  Ugh. Right. More of that toxic masculinity stuff were talking about last time. 

Just don’t kiss or anything. Because then you’re heading right into porno country, cover the children’s eyes, you need Jesus.

Brittany:  Lol.  Shit like that goes on everywhere, but OK can be a difficult place sometimes.

Angela:  I know. It’s just a bit more concentrated in the South. (And yes, I have had long debates and in-depth research into what region of the US Oklahoma is considered to belong, and we are officially The South. Fight me.)

Brittany:  Yeah. I consider it south, too. Southern culture here, good and bad, and I'm from MN, so everyone is south to me.

Angela:  Lol! I’m from all over *gestures vaguely* so I don‘t have a preference, but according to Official Sources, we’re definitely South. But I get why people think Midwest, too, being right next to that region. We’re influenced by both. But the bigotry... I’d never seen anything like it before I moved here as a teenager. And I lived for several years in Texas! Like, we make Texas look progressive.

Brittany:  Well, aside from abortion. We definitely have better access to abortion than Texans do. Idk why.

Some people seem to think to think love is a finite resource,  so like for me to love 2 people, I have to divide it so it's less for each. That isn't accurate at all.

Angela:  I’ve heard that perspective. I have come to the conclusion that monogamy isn’t about love. I’m monogamous, but it has more to do with a person’s ability to be open to more than one person. And, depending on the person, that person’s ability to not be jealous. There’s probably a more eloquent way to put that, but in essence...

Brittany:  Yeah. Monogamy is perfectly valid, though not for everyone. You put that perfectly.

Angela:  It would be a lot better if more people understood and accepted that fact. I don’t understand why we define our entire societal structure on our tight definition of “normal” relationships.

Brittany:  We aren't real prone to jealousy in general. A lot of people in poly relationships or open relationships use the word compersion. The opposite of jealousy.

Angela:  You 3... you’re raising kids, running a household, contributing to society. What’s the problem?

Compersion. I have never heard that term.

Brittany:  Yeah. I don't think it exists in the dictionary at this time, but it exists. In the world.

But yeah. We're just 3 women raising a family in a house with some pets. Our lifestyle isn't super flamboyant. We're fairly introverted most of the time.

Sure threesome and some kinky shit happen with a certain regularity, but we're pretty private about it.

Angela:  Monogamous couples do kinky shit, too. People just don't talk about it.

Do you think there is much jealousy in many polyamorous relationships? I mean, I know it seems counter-intuitive, but I'm sure it comes up.

Brittany:  Yeah, People tend to assume poly = kinky. Maybe we're more open to certain things, but not all poly people are kinky, and not all monogamous people are vanilla. It's not like there's a litmus test.

(Jealousy) isn't uncommon, but it can be addressed and processed. Boundaries in general are important, and make a big difference.

Angela:  I feel like, and correct me if I'm wrong, that people getting into poly relationships are naturally better at communicating and drawing those boundaries in a clear way (better than many monogamous couples), simply because they know what they are getting into isn't conventional. Is that right?

Brittany:  I mean, there are poly curious (and kink curious) noobs running around trying things without looking into what it means. They can end up in an unhealthy situation, but most other poly people I've come across seem to be a little better at that.

Some probably research it. I did. Others end up with someone who already understands communication and boundaries.

Angela:  That makes sense. People are stupid, no matter what they're into. But It's good that you did some research. More mono couples should probably do that, too.

Brittany:  Yeah. I've seen plenty of mono people with a horrible sense of boundaries. Maybe mono people are more likely to assume it'll just fall into place like in the romantic movies.

Angela:  Exactly that. 

When did you figure out that you'd be open to a relationship like that?

Brittany:  Trisha and I were open sexually from day 1, but it wasn't until we got to know Michelle that we knew we wanted her in the actual relationship as opposed to some casual thing.

Angela:  That's neat.

Brittany:  I met Michelle 4 days into grad school. For a while, it was pretty casual with her, then with all of us. Eventually it became a serious relationship.

Getting close to 2 years of serious now.

Angela

That's fantastic!

Brittany:  I think so.

Angela:  Do you feel like there are any alphas in the relationship, or are you all on pretty equal footing?

Brittany:  Trisha is the most dominant sexually. I'm a little bit alpha when it comes to finances, but I've always been on top of money related things. I'm the most submissive sexually. People who interact with me only outside of that context seem all suprised to find out for some reason. But, for the most part, we're on equal footing, and communicate in a healthy way.

Speaking of finances, an advantage people don't always think about: Triple income situation.

Angela:  Right????

Brittany:  Like the mortgage is just over $800. Divide that by 3 and get an awesome number.

Angela:  Ok, that brings me to the living arrangement situation. Are you all 3 in the same bedroom? Separate rooms?

Brittany:  We sleep in the same bed. "King size" is big enough. None of us are very big.

Angela:  But all your stuff fits in the same room? You don't feel cramped at all? (these are the weird things my brain wonders when pondering how people fit even just one extra person into a long-term relationship, lol)

Brittany:  There's a big dresser in the closet, and some clothes have ended up in the girls' bathroom since it's huge and has cabinets. They have their own dressers in their rooms, so it's not really an issue.
We have our things that we do alone and with different pairings (like kickboxing is Michelle and I's thing), but we always come together in the end.

Angela:  That's great. Do Trisha and Michelle do things together, without you? Or are you sort of the connective glue that keeps you all together?

Brittany:  They do, and that's awesome to me that they have their time.

Angela:  That is pretty great that you each relate to each other individually as well as as a unit.

Brittany:  Yeah. And other than books and vinyls taking up space, it isn't too cluttered. Things no one needed anymore either got sold, given away, or put that in the attic.

It's a 3 bedroom house.

Angela:  So, what does a typical day in your household look like? Schedule-wise. Does everyone work outside the home? Do you juggle responsibilities? Housework? Cooking?

Brittany:  We share housework. I cook a lot of the time, but Charity likes to pretty frequently. She wants to go to culinary school, which she'll be great at if she does. Trisha works a 7am schedule outside the home. Michelle and I are both 8am schedule.

Usually, we eat around 6 or 7pm and either watch tv or end up doing separate things. Reading, on the computer etc.

Angela:  Sounds pretty standard.

Brittany:  Yeah. Not so exotic.

From here the convo dissolves into boring gotta-gos and promises of editing and publishing and plans for the next post. You don't wanna read all that.