Conversations with Brittany

Throughout this process, Brittany and I wanted to share our conversations with our readers.  During these conversations, we talk about issues that arise from the gender transition process, we muse about social expectations and assumptions regarding gender identity, and generally shoot the shit and blow off steam.  We talk about the weird, the frustrating, the inspiring and profound.  We go off topic and amuse ourselves and are okay with the idea that some might think we're off our rockers.  Our first "captured" conversation occurred one month ago.

July 18, 2011

Kayla: I was just looking back at the Brittany party thing. How many people are coming now?

Brittany:  Shows 14 confirms and 9 maybes but some of the people who haven't replied at all will show up, so not sure exactly.

Kayla: That's cool. That's not so many people that it'll be totally overwhelming, then.  Have you told your folks yet?

Brittany:  No.  I kind of set an arbitrary deadline for before that party though.

Kayla: Is it harder than you thought? To get up the nerve to talk to them?

Brittany:  I guess so. It really seems like sort of an open secret, but it's still weird.

Kayla:    Yeah, I get that. Well... you've got 5 days, including the day of the party. No pressure, though. :}

I sort of wish you had someone that was close enough to you AND your family that could go with you to talk to them... so if things got too horribly uncomfortable, you'd have someone to leave with and talk to.

Brittany:  It could work, though. Drinking at the party would make me forget any awkwardness from a few hours prior.  But bringing someone else with would just make it weirder.

Kayla:  True! It's like people who drink before/after a self-inflicted surgery.  But, yeah... I'm sure it would be weird with someone else there.

Brittany:  Yeah.  So I'll just do it myself.

Kayla:  Like you do everything, dear. It's that pioneer spirit of yours.  I have to say, I do admire your guts.

Brittany:  It's easier that way most of the time, or at least more effective.

Kayla:   More effective to do it yourself?

Brittany:  Usually.

Kayla:  I suppose it's better than having someone like me, who's all freaked out for you, freaking you out by talking about it all the damned time. (or, that's what I imagine I might be doing, in which case I'm sorry...)

Brittany:  You're fine.  But, bringing other people would just create more variables when I want as few as possible, so I can get it done with.

Kayla:   Like a trained assassin - get in, get out, as little collateral damage as possible.

Brittany:   Haha.  Not exactly why I keep guns around, but it's an entertaining thought.

Kayla:  Well, I hope not! (the guns)  By the way, I saw you so colorfully tweeted that your “tits” were sore. (People in my office looked at me strange when I started cracking up at my desk.)  Are they growing already? Have you noticed any other obvious changes?

Brittany:  It seems like they might have grown a tiny bit.  Seems like there is more there than a month ago, but it's not likely that others can tell yet.  If it's not just me, the growth is pretty slight.

Kayla:  We should take several good photos at the party - some good profile shots, etc. A friend of mine was telling me that, when her friend went female to male, the changes were subtle but so much more obvious if you compared photos week to week. For instance, his jaw line actually got stronger over time. I didn't know that was possible (and neither did she), but she said it was pretty obvious in the photos. We might be able to tell changes like that with you if we compared them side by side.

Brittany:  True.  I figure there will be some picture taking anyway.

Kayla:  Yeah, for sure. I just want to make sure we take some good, close profile shots for this purpose. Everyone else can snap all the drunk photos they want.  ;)

Which reminds me... what will you be wearing? I have honestly never seen you dressed in anything feminine. Will you be, at the party?

Brittany:  Yeah. I'm not sure what. I'll figure it out then, but nothing elaborate. It's too fucking hot for that shit and I'm not real into frilly dresses and such anyway.

Kayla:  It is that. What about makeup? Do you "do" makeup much (beyond the obligatory Gothic eyeliner)?

Brittany:  Yeah, makeup.

Kayla:  I'm not much into frilly dresses, either. Although, when you've got more pronounced changes, I think you'd be super cute in a little sun dress. But that's just me.

Brittany:  We'll see as time goes by I guess.  I've been kind of avoiding the sun as much as I can. Heat is bad enough in the shade.

Kayla:  I just had an odd thought... do you think people expect you to be more feminine than other girls? More "made up?" I mean, I personally wear very little makeup unless it's a formal/dressy occasion, usually only eyeliner and lipstick, and often only lip balm at that, and I absolutely can't stand base. It makes me feel like I've got paint on my face.

Brittany:  Yeah.  Some people expect that.  My skin isn't great, so I do wear makeup. Sometimes makeup just generally looks good, but I'm not some caricature of a woman, but some people think that way, including a lot of trans people.

Kayla:  Right... that's what I was thinking. I think people (especially people here, with less understanding and exposure to transgender people) sort of throw all the stereotypes of what defines a particular gender at those who are transgender. Like, if you’re a transgender woman, you're supposed to be in "drag" all the time and talk like a hooker in a brothel and be completely obsessed with your looks and clothes, etc.

Kayla:  Maybe it's just me, but you never struck me as that kind of person... overdone and extreme like that.

Brittany:  Most of my friends get this stuff, but there are a few who obviously don't. I can tell who they are because they sorta disappeared.

Kayla:  What do you mean disappeared? Disappeared how? Why?

Brittany:  I don't really hear from them and haven't since I started talking about this stuff which is ok, I guess. Two people, out of however many I know, is an insignificant percentage.

Kayla:  They disappeared because you're transgender or because you don't fit their stereotype of what a transgender person should look/act like?

Brittany:  I don't know. If someone needs something explained, fine, but I don't have fucking time trying to explain things to people who just don't have the intellectual capacity to comprehend it.

Kayla:  Ha! So, I'm assuming some of these folks were just assholes all the way around about the whole thing?

Brittany:  Not really assholes. Just clueless, thinking nothing is going to change, or getting people like me confused with drag queens.

Kayla:  It makes sense that there were only a very few who bailed on you.  Seems to me like most of your friends are from "our world" (the club kids and larger body of "freaks" in the Tulsa area). I don't see any of your real friends being stupid like that.

Brittany:  Yeah. Most people don't have any issues.

Kayla:  It's the stereotypes that irritate me. You're a human being. Not a cartoon character.

Brittany:  It's 10 till 8, if you need to know.

Kayla:  Crap. I knew it was getting close. Thanks for letting me know. Ok, I'm gonna' get off here. I'll email you tomorrow and we'll work out more time to talk.

Brittany:  Cool. Ok, well have fun doing whatever you do at home. Talk to you tomorrow.