Knights in Shining Armor

Feelings so often get "in the way," but they are what makes our worlds go 'round.  These are our glasses, our lights by which we see.  Without them, we are merely surviving.

July 11, 2012

Kayla:  I'm like here and stuff... dawg.

Brittany:  k. shows you offline though.

Kayla:  It always does. I try to stay all incognito so I don't get bombarded all day long w/ pms while I'm trying to fb and work at the same time.

Brittany:  pms?

Kayla:  PMs? Private message... oldskool term, I guess... I'm old. And technologically square.

Brittany:  Oh. Yeah. That's not what I thought you meant.

Kayla:  (not premenstrual syndrome, as it may at first have looked) lol

How's life been going?


Brittany:  I've discovered writing apparently makes me hot. I went out in the back yard for quite a while to be left alone. When I came back, she said, “You're hot after you write for hours."
I'm like, "How so?"
"The way your hair gets all messy and you look like you just got back from some faraway place."

Kayla:  Writers ARE hot. That just goes without saying. (Look at Neil Gaiman!)

Brittany:  She totally got laid after that. Basically said I'm hot when I think I look like shit.

Kayla:  Hey, whatever works...

Brittany:  Well, it's not difficult with me.

Kayla:  I sort of sussed that out, yeah...

Brittany:  She's hot as fuck, she loves me as I am. I'm happy.

Kayla:  Good, lovergirl. Glad the world is looking up.  ;)

Brittany:  She puts up with my unfortunate crush on Carmen, too. Which is probably the only stressful thing going on right now.

Kayla:  Meh... you can't help a crush. That's just how people work. Why is it stressful?

Brittany:  Carmen and I get into fights all the time and I wish we didn't. Trisha understands it, and knows I wouldn't actually pursue it even it if it were an option.

Kayla:  What on earth do you fight about? That mystifies me. I mean, you're not sleeping together, coparenting, or cohabitating... what's left?

Brittany:  The feelings just got real strong after a while. It influences my behavior and how I take certain things in conversations, I guess. They interfere with the friendship. Maybe I can email one of the texts from after our last fight. It's very long. (I just converted it to a media message so I could write as much as I want.)

Kayla:  Oh... did she say she would do something, or did you have some expectation, and she didn't come through? I find that's usually what pisses Brittany off... you're very sensitive about being ignored or let down.

Brittany:  No. She didn't do anything. It just turned so intense for me, that it's caused communication problems.

Kayla:  Just remember to breathe and try not to put too many expectations--especially emotional expectations--on her. Take it lightly. (which is kind of like telling a fish not to swim, but...) wait... what's your sign again?

Brittany:  Capricorn. But Leo moon. If you're thinking signs, go with the moon on this.

Ok. The email thing worked, so I'll send it. It's very long and not formatted at all. It's a text I sent after an argument we had:

I don't hate you. & I wasn't trying to hang out or lessen the space. I pretty much stay in my house w my girls anymore. Sometimes we hang w Crystal, & that's enough. Really just wanted to say hi & let you know I'd still do a site for free if you needed one. I don't want you to feel guilty. Somehow you just came off cold, or it seemed that way to me, when you said you'd talk to me later. We just get into these text fights & I feel like you stopped caring or something. & the boob job comment & telling me to see someone at the equality center cut really deep, & that makes it seem more that way. Besides, I do get my hormones from a professional. I'm not getting them off the market or whatever. Maybe that's not what you were trying to do, but that's what happened. & texted is such bad communication. We say perfectly innocuous things, but they sound like insults. & my past experiences w people don't help. I'm more used to "Stephanies" than people like Trisha, or like you or Crystal. It's what I expect. I know a lot of people. Close to almost none of them. I guess the outside world is just an ugly place to me. That's why I organized my life the way I did. & the stupid crush thing. I think it's gone, then "oh nevermind." Then I feel bad bc it stresses you out, & I'm only supposed to feel that way about Trisha. & I don't have these issues w Crystal. I totally love & appreciate everything you did, but at the same time, I almost wish I didn't tell you after I got raped. You were all knight in shining armor after that. More than anyone else, & I think that's where this came from. Like if I didn't tell you, we wouldn't be fighting all the time now 

Brittany:  That pretty much explains it in unformatted dumping my whole heart out style.

Kayla:  Woah... boob job comment and telling you to see someone at the Equality Center... what was that about? That sounds out of line from this end, but I don't know the context.

Brittany:  That was from a fight before. She had said something about why hormones? Just go get a boob job like I did. $5k.  And she said to see a professional. The things that happen when people are fighting. Although, if I do get a boob job, I'm going to that guy. She's shown me her boobs before. They're great.

Kayla:  ... But... just a boob job doesn't (in my garish, clumsy verbiage) "make" you a woman throughout your whole system. I mean, that doesn't do anything but give you some fake boobs...
I mean, that's all well and good, but not JUST a boob job... seems to me you need the hormones to make a full transformation. Am I wrong?

Brittany:  Yeah. And that's why I was all hurt over it for however many weeks, until it came up again later.  I felt like my gender was attacked.

Kayla:  Maybe she didn't mean it that way... maybe she just doesn't understand all the ins and outs of this.

Brittany:  But what happens is, if she flakes or something, I take it way more personally than I should
and it's all thinking this person doesn't love me anymore, blah blah blah. It's not her fault.

Kayla:  Yeah, you have to stop doing that to yourself and others... this thinking people don't care... people react in all kinds of freaky ways to things they don't understand... it doesn't necessarily mean they don't care.

Also, in her defense (just 'cause I just thought of this angle), a lot of women, ESPECIALLY women who are into natural healing, etc., are very afraid of synthetic hormones. Estrogen has wrought havoc on a lot of women going through menopause, raising their cancer rates, etc... maybe this is just her way of showing she's concerned, but without trying to mother you... (I am totally guessing here, since I don't know this chick from Eve)

Brittany:  Well, maybe.

The texts from her after that are short enough where I can just type them.

Kayla:  What are they?

Brittany:  I said something about that I was just gonna pass out with Trisha and wake up the next day with her.
Then, "yay sounds good... all in all i luv you a lot & am pretty confident we will be friends for a long time"
"big big hearts!!"
"but before you go to bed, know i never ever mean to hurt your feeling"
"you & trisha are some of the few ppl i have in muh heart"

Kayla:  Aw... see she DOES love you!

Brittany:  Yeah. It just doesn't always feel that way. Usually feelings like this don't get that complicated, but it's the knight in shining armor effect, I guess.

Kayla:  You're not letting yourself feel it. I believe she wouldn't say it if she didn't mean it. But you can't push people to love you. She will show it her own way in her own time... but you push people and they will run away because then it starts to feel like you aren't loving them.

Brittany:  It's amazing how that affects me when women do it, but when men do it, I almost find it insulting.

Kayla:  When men do what? What do you mean?

Brittany:  The knight in shining armor thing.

Kayla:  Oh... it's a different thing, maybe, coming from a woman? I doubt she seemed condescending to you when she did it...

Brittany:  Which is exactly what she was. Trisha too, but not really until later. And, no she didn't.

I totally love that shit from women. Like, "Yeah. You're my protector."  Which is why I said I almost wished I didn't tell her after the rape. No knight in shining armor stuff would've happened, and the crush probably would not have reached this level. It's like I feel towards her the same way I feel towards Trisha, and it's very annoying.

I don't know if this is making more sense to you.

Kayla:  Ah... possibly (on the knight in shining armor stuff). But, you wouldn't have had the opportunity for this kind of awesome relationship, either. Something about that moment (with Carmen), from my perspective anyway, turned a course in your life. And I'm almost positive it had more to do with you than it did her.

Brittany:  Yeah. And maybe it'll go away with time, so mostly I'm just hanging with Trisha and the girls, and being pretty antisocial.

Kayla:  But you are in such an amazing place now. Don't take that for granted. Maybe it would help you sort some of these feelings out if you could see how you let her help you and how, as much as she was giving to you, you let her give it, you let her in. Which, in turn, enabled you to be strong enough to let Trisha in.

Brittany:  Carmen is totally one of my friends. I love and appreciate her. This is more me than her. I do let Trisha in. It just happened later because we weren't really in touch right after the rape happened.

Something is off here. She and Trisha did the same thing eventually. I feel about the same way towards both of them, but of course I have Trisha. No stress on that end.


Kayla:  You know me... I believe in fate... I think you needed Carmen to get to (to be ready and available for) Trisha... I could be a million miles off, but that's how this situation feels to me.

Brittany:  I don't know. Maybe that's it. Sounds nice, anyway.

Kayla:  But... what's off?


Brittany:  Like I think you're thinking I feel more for Carmen than Trisha , and that isn't it. I totally let Trisha in. Which is why, for now, I'm just chilling with my family here, not really anyone else. Probably won't actually talk to Carmen for a while, but eventually things will go back to normal and we'll probably be fine.

Kayla:  No, no, no.... that's not what I think at all. No... I only feel that maybe Carmen was... sort of a stepping stone to Trisha... and Trisha is the more fully realized complete love in your life... I don't think a relationship with Carmen would ever be as fulfilling to you as Trisha has been and still is... I think Trisha is actually more to you... and Carmen is more a... symbol (without trying to diminish her role here any).

sigh... you wanted girl talk... here you are.

Brittany: She's kinda like Crystal in a way. I don't have a crush on Crystal, but they're my best friends in the world.

Kayla:  Like sisters? Big sisters, maybe (in Carmen's knightly role), but sisters... yeah? That's how I think of my best girlfriends, anyway... like the sisters I never had.

Brittany:  Like if I made it all big with writing and had millions and millions of dollars to throw around, after getting some super badass house for me and the girls, I'd totally like buy a better house for Crystal and Jerry and buy Carmen a house.  Like, "You're great people. Have some houses." lol.

Kayla:  Yep. They're family. I feel exactly the same way about mine.   (for when I win the lottery)

Brittany:  Yeah. Like sisters I guess.

Kayla:  That line between loving and being in love with is always a bit shadowy. Especially when your besties fall under the radar of your sexual orientation.

Brittany:  Yeah. That's how it is if you're a girls' girl AND a dyke. Lol. You like girls & all your friends are girls.

Kayla:  Exactly... and that is one position I DON'T envy you. lol!

By the way... you ever thought of writing smut for money? I hear you can make a pretty penny writing smut. And since it's always on your brain...

Brittany:  Maybe I should do that. There is plenty of raunch in the novel I'm working on.

Kayla:  You totally should.  But, shit, it's 8:00. You know my coach turns into a pumpkin at 8:00 and I've gotta' feed people. Making grass-fed cheeseburgers tonight. So much fuckin' yum.

You got somethin' there with Trisha. Somethin' big if she's strong enough to deal with you crying over another woman. Do NOT ever, ever, ever take her for granted. I'm just sayin'.
(this is a public service announcement from concerned citizens in Brittany's corner)

Brittany:  I don't take her for granted at all. She's my favorite person EVER. If it wasn't for Trisha, I'd have probably left town or who knows what by now.

Kayla:  She better be! She's a fuckin' rock star! I must meet this amazing woman sometime soon. Seriously. We need a lunch date, the 3 of us. One of these days.

Brittany:  Like that "new relationship smell" still hasn't worn off. Lol.
Kayla:  Look, you guys can keep your smell to yourself, ok?  ;)

Brittany:  That's a new thing for me. i think this will last a long long time.

Kayla:  Gods I hope so. It's beautiful.

Brittany:  Yep. Two misanthropes together. It's great.

Kayla:  Anyway, I gotta' go feed peeps! and I'm HUNGRY!

Brittany:  Ok. Enjoy dinner.

Kayla:  I will. You enjoy Trisha. Tell her I said she's amazing.

Brittany:  She said, "thanks for pointing out the obvious." lolz

Kayla:  LMFAO!   Love you guys.

Brittany:  You too. I'll message you tomorrow.