Solving Life's Great Mysteries

Will Dad ever fully come around to accepting his son-turned-lesbo-daughter? Does Brittany still have sperm? What is the difference between swingers and poly people? Brittany and Kayla attempt to answer all these questions and more.

June 26, 2012

Kayla:  So, I saw you had a date with dad. How'd that go?

Brittany:  It was alright. It was just me, so the girls had to fend for themselves that night. Not gonna say everything is better with him, but there is improvement.

Kayla:  I assume you two talked about the gender transition? Or... at least his acceptance of it?

Brittany:  No, actually. That's what makes me cautious. It just kinda went down like shit was never bad in the first place. But we'll see how it goes over time. I haven't talked to him since that night.

Kayla:  Sigh... so what did you talk about?

Brittany:  We talked about the usual stuff. Basically a bunch of small talk.

Kayla:  Ah. You just drove around, I guess? Go out to eat or anything?

Brittany:  We ate over there. He made a couple steaks. Add a couple martinis and I realized how my alcohol tolerance has gone down.

Kayla:  Lol! Cheap date.  But... no going out in public, I guess...

Brittany:  No. I just went over there for a while, then came home.

Kayla:  Well, at least he wasn't hateful... and he made an effort to invite you out. That's something.

Brittany:  Sorry. It's awkward to talk about, I think because it seems somehow so insignificant.

Kayla:  Yeah... I get that. Blah.

Brittany:  But it's an improvement. I still haven't talked to my mom, but I give 0 fucks I guess. She's crazy. At least my dad is fairly calm most of the time.

Kayla:  That's good... good to have the "fairly calm" one still talking to you. Better than the alternative.
What else has been going on?

Brittany:  Mostly living this family life. I'm becoming accustomed to it, which is a good thing.
Crystal is 37 weeks now apparently.

Kayla:  Oh good for her! Is she super excited?

Brittany:  Yeah. She's been trying for a while. She wanted her boy and got it.

Kayla:  I know she has. I'm so glad this finally worked out for them. Oh, a boy! Do they have a name yet?

Brittany:  I think Jerry, actually. His dad's name and grandpa's name (on Jerry's side). Yeah. Jerry Jerome IV.

Kayla:  Ah. Family name. Cool.

Brittany:  Yeah, and she said she's getting fixed immediately after. Lol. She just wanted one more, I guess.

Kayla:  The earth thanks her for being so sensible.

Brittany:  Trisha got fixed after 2. She's fixed. I'm sterile. No worries there.

Kayla:  I think 2's a good number. I never wanted any more than 3. Not that I got anywhere near that number.

That is the nice thing about being a lesbian couple. Nobody's gotta' worry about getting knocked up.

Brittany:  Yeah, though i'm pre-op

Kayla:  That's true... I guess you've still got all your baby-making equipment. Why are you sterile? What happened?

Brittany:  Just hormones. Female hormones eventually make you sterile.

People like me, anyway.

Kayla:  I didn't know they'd make you sterile. Makes sense, I suppose, if the hormones lower your testosterone levels enough... I don't understand how that affects your sperm count, though.

Brittany:   I still have sperm, they just don't do anything. Lol.

Kayla:  They don't do anything? Man, I'm gonna' need a biology text book to follow this... why don't they "do anything?" (or do you know?)

Brittany:   Because they aren't healthy enough to do anything.

But that's fine. Fathering a child would be like the epitome of awkward.  I guess some people use a sperm bank and such. It's not an issue for me. Even when I got the blood work that said “sterile,” I didn't feel like I lost anything.

Kayla:  Not everyone feels driven to create progeny. I've got at least one friend (other than you) who never felt like that mattered to her.

Or, rather, I should say she felt strongly that she *shouldn't* have children... sociological and environmental reasons, I think mostly. But that would take a guest interview to get to the bottom of that topic.

Brittany:   Fine by me.

To me, I was happy to find out. That meant we could fluid bond for sure since no one could make half a kid.

Kayla:  We'll have to see if we can pull her in sometime. My Sarah - you know her online. She reads us.  And just think of the threesome jokes!

Brittany:  The one in Minneapolis?

Kayla:   Yes'm.

*snort* "half a kid" ... that just creates all kinds of horror story visuals.

Brittany:  Maybe I don't have sperm. I can't remember. There are either none in there, or they're useless. I'll ask my hormone doctor next time.

Kayla:  Do that. For posterity and all.

Brittany:  Point is, I can't make any babies and that's good enough for me. Lol.

Kayla:  And you didn't actually have to have an operation to get that way! Win!

Brittany:  lol.

Kayla:  Though I'm sure the world wide web will be on the edge of their seats, waiting to find out if you do, in fact, still have sperm.

These are the pressing questions in life.

Brittany:  I texted, but I'm waiting.

Kayla:  Lol! You actually just texted that question to your hormone doc?

Brittany:  Yeah. Lol, why not?

Kayla:  If your hormone doc answers you tonight, we will have to post his/her name on here and shout it from the rooftops - ANYONE GOING THROUGH A GENDER TRANSITION, THIS HORMONE DOC ROCKS!

(Just sayin')

Brittany:  She's the one from the equality center who retired. I haven't seen a new one yet since I have so many refills.

Kayla:  Oh hells bells... of course she's retired... oh well.  How long will your refills carry you?

Brittany:  5 months. She gave me referrals. I'll pick one when it gets closer.

Kayla:  Oh, that's good. At least you have some names to start with...

Having an on-call retired hormone doc rocks.

Brittany:  Bitches love me. I can't help it.

Oh ok. No sperm, or too few unhealthy ones. They don't get produced because the cells atrophy. Nice.
But it looks the same so whatever.

Kayla:  They atrophe... wow... it's so sad, and yet... so very convenient!

You're lovable. And no, you can't.

Brittany:  I guess it's not like we'd have any accidental pregnancies, anyway, with her being fixed.

Kayla:  True.

Brittany:  But I wanted everything 100% before we started doing things that way, and only with each other.

Kayla:  Always better to be safe than sorry. (I sound like a goddamned public service announcement.)

Brittany:  Not that we really go looking for anyone else. That's basically theoretical, I guess. We can if we communicate about it, but we don't.

Kayla:  When you're really fulfilled with your partner, looking outside is rarely necessary... maybe if you guys just get bored or something... but you sound like you're too into each other to get bored.

Brittany:  I guess there just isn't a need, but if it happens, safe sex is required. That way our little world stays closed off from problems.

Kayla:  Definitely.

Brittany:  Once neither of us could make babies, we confirmed being negative on diseases, and decided we don't need protection with each other.

This must be something for you to sit there and read, lol.

Kayla:  What do you mean? About you and Trisha's open relationship?

Brittany:  Not that so much as I told you we don't use condoms and such. Lol. She thinks it's funny when I show her this.

Kayla:  I bet it's really funny for her! You're talking about her sex life w/ someone she's never met! That is one open, trusting broad.   (Hi Trisha!)

But, that's how married or seriously committed couples do it... it gets to where the only thing necessary is birth control... and that's only if the partners are both still fertile. It's the beauty of a committed relationship... you no longer have to worry (so long as everyone is being COMPLETELY honest) about STDs.

Brittany:  Yeah. Some call it "fluid bonding." Like poly people. That's what they call it. We're not poly, but that's where I got the term.

Kayla:  Fluid bonding... that sounds almost alien.

Brittany:  She says hi, and she's used to me being obnoxious. Lol.

Kayla:  Ok, hold on... definitions... poly is... polyamorous? Is that right? In layman's terms... swingers?

And that's why she's perfect for you.

Brittany:  Polyamorous. Not necessarily swingers.

Kayla:  Yup... explain.

Brittany:  Like relationships with more than 2 people all together. Like a triad instead of a couple. I'm not an expert, but swinging is more like going out and trading partners for fun and going back home.

Kayla:  Oh, oh, oh... like people who are in a polygamous committed relationship... I get it! Yeah, I think you're right about swingers. I think I understand the difference now.

Brittany: Yeah. I have this book lying around. Give me a minute. I'll go smoke and when I get back I'll find it and tell you the title. You'll learn more that way.

(Cuing up intermission music.  Keep your shirt on, she'll be back... shhh... shhh)

5 minutes later...

Brittany:  Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships - Tristan Taormino
I have a copy and have already read it.

Wait, that was an audio book. This is the book book: http://www.amazon.com/Opening-Up-Creating-Sustaining-Relationships/dp/157344295X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1340758916&sr=1-1&keywords=opening+up

Kayla:  Oh wow... cool. And it explains the differences between swingers and polyamorous relationships?

This is what I get for being a straight girl in Oklahoma... the big wide world of sexual orientation and activity eludes me sometimes. :}

Brittany:  Yeah, and other types of arrangements people have. Ours is more like "monogamy with benefits," but pretty much in theory only. If we don't have needs the other can't meet, why bother?

Kayla:  That's my perspective. But that's a personal philosophy, I guess... I've always thought a really good relationship shouldn't require any other parties involved. But I'm not judging, that's just how I feel for my life.

Brittany:  Yeah. Well, as it is, it's theoretical, but sex doesn't equal relationship. We're in a partnership because we love each other and want to share life, not because we're fucking each other.

Kayla:  I know... that's why I said it's my personal philosophy for my life, not anyone else's. Sex means different things to different people. You hook up with the ones who jive most closely to your view of relationships.

Brittany:  lol. Not really. Most people seem to look at it that way. And, that book isn't preachy. Just explains some other ways people do things

Kayla:  But not everyone, and that's why there are different kinds of relationships. It's like, "most people" eat meat, but there are some pretty hardcore vegans out there, and am I gonna' judge 'em? Hell no. It's not my life. What the fuck do I know?

Brittany:  More meat for me. It's like, if you don't like snatch, that's cool. More for me.

VAGINA!

I’m a lesbian. I don’t think I really fully understood that until recently, but that’s part of who I am.

I never really related to women as a man, and had minimal interest in them for most of my life. When I was really young, people just thought I was a gay male because of my mannerisms and various stereotypes. That seemed to make sense to me, and provided an opportunity for denial, so I went with it for a while. It’s easier to come out as gay than as transgender. I dated guys and primarily slept with guys for many years. The guys I was attracted to tended to be pretty feminine in appearance and mannerisms, so it basically worked. I never felt like I could relate to the average man, though. The relationships I had weren’t something I took very seriously, unlike the scattered few relationships I had with women back then. The sex was shallow. Kept me successfully hidden in the closet about my gender.

It can also feel awkward to refer to myself as lesbian regardless of how true it is. It depends on who I’m talking to. One issue is I don’t like being compared to these idiot straight men who like to say they’re “lesbian trapped in men’s bodies.” Little do they know, that shit actually happens, and I don’t care to have my situation trivialized or turned into a joke. Sometimes I also don’t feel like I’ve earned the title of lesbian. I wasn’t born with a vagina. I didn’t grow up as a girl. I had white male privilege, but only in theory. I never really knew how to use it. Giving it up has created no sense of loss.

Even recently I was referring to myself as bisexual and kind of believed that, but the truth of the matter is I never think “Oh, I’d really like some dick today.” I’m attracted to women physically and emotionally. I like pussy. I think more like women I know than men I know. I like it when women are protective of me. I can sit with another woman and have deep conversations about things involving emotions and relationships, but this is just awkward, if not impossible for me with most men. If you look at the people I’m friends with, almost all of them are female, and the ones I’m closest to and have the most intimate and fulfilling friendships with ARE ALL female. It’s been that way my entire life. Even as a young child, I almost exclusively hung out with girls. In a way, my gender identity was probably kind of obvious, but I didn’t know what it meant when I pictured myself as one of them when I was 5, 6 years old.

It isn’t that I have anything against men or can’t connect with them emotionally. It just doesn’t occur on as deep of a level. I think the longest relationship I had with a man was with Ben back in 2006. That lasted about 13 months. I don’t know HOW it lasted 13 months, but it did. All we did was fight all the time. We were living together for about the last half of that time period. He was in no way a bad person. Quite the opposite, but it was like this empty relationship. I couldn’t deal with his minor personality annoyances. I used to leave the house all the time. Basically, I spent half the relationship at Crystal and Jerry’s house or fishing with my friend Chris. The relationship eventually ended. I never really gave him as much attention as he needed. He couldn’t properly fulfill my needs. Oil and water.

My current relationship with Trisha is by far the happiest relationship I’ve ever been in. We connect emotionally and physically. I love the conversations. I love the fact that she understands me so well, & takes care of me the way she does. I feel safe and loved with her. Her sense of humor is a lot like mine. We share a love for crappy B horror and action films. The sex is also great. Every time. No man has ever made me feel the way she makes me feel.

I enjoy the family life too, which is new to me. Trisha has 2 daughters from a previous marriage. I love them like they’re my own. We’re basically a dyke couple raising children. We raise them with love and compassion, encourage them to be who they are without apologies, and teach them how to live in the world as best we can. I love taking them out to places, like the zoo, restaurants, parks, etc. I cook for everyone most days, which I fucking love. I’m good at it. I cook good meals. If you don’t think people like us can raise healthy children, you’re sorely mistaken.

I swear, at about 6 months shy of 35 years old, I feel like a fucking teenager again sometimes. All this trial and error. All this "discovering myself." It's amazing how pretty much everything in life is wrapped up in our genders. Most people can just take that for granted, so it's all very simple. Nevertheless, I'm starting to get a more complete picture of who I am & what makes me tick. Vaginas are apparently a big part of that. I might as well just be open about it.

Today I've been on hormones for 1 year. I took the first pills early in the morning on 6.22.2011. Been a daily thing ever since then.

Once upon a time I looked like this (on the left):

Face It, Your Son is a Dyke

Relationships are hard.  Sometimes, relationships with your own family can be the hardest of all.  And right now, Brittany is thinking to herself, "she said 'hard.'"  I'm glad we could have this chat.

June 6, 2012

Kayla:  Hey lady! So, what's been goin' on?

Brittany:  Nothing heavy really.  My mood is better now, etc.

Kayla:  That's good. I was starting to get worried about you.

Brittany:  It happens. I've always dealt with depression spells. Less frequent now since I'm happy, but still possible.

Kayla:  That sucks. Did anything in particular happen to set it off this time?

Brittany:  Not really. Just happened... other than luck of sleep possibly.

Kayla:  Yeah, that'll do it. I get weird if I don't get enough sleep, too.

Brittany:  I don't even know what happened. I never have trouble sleeping with Trisha in the bed. I sure did that night, though. The whole next day I had that cracked out feeling like after you've been tweaking a little too long and are coming down. So maybe that triggered it.

Kayla:  Ugh. Glad you finally crashed, though.

Brittany:  Yeah. Trisha was fucking awesome about that. She just told me to take some of my pills and go to sleep, and she'd take care of the shit I normally do.

Kayla:  That's awesome.

Brittany:  Yeah. I found the right woman apparently.

Kayla:  So how is life in hormone-land?

Brittany:  Hormones are good. I'm on max doses now. Have been for about a month, I guess.
More tit development. Still small, but at least I look good in a spaghetti strap.

Kayla:  Lol! That's true. It does definitely seem to be more noticeable now.

When you maxed out the dose, did it mess with you any? Mood swings or weight issues or anything?

Brittany:  I eat and work out about the same as always, so not really.  I'm pretty much happy with my weight. Stepping it up gradually probably keeps side effects down.

Kayla:  Yeah, probably. And are you still doing the voice exercises?

Brittany:  Yeah. It's getting easier than before, but still something I have to be consciously aware of, or I go to pretty close to my normal voice.

Kayla:  Do you ever practice with Trisha?   (that image is just too cute in my head)

Brittany:  Kind of. Mostly after practicing by myself. It's kind of a daytime thing.  And I'm glad to have her and the girls.

I still haven't talked to my dad in however many weeks. I'm in and out of touch with my mom. She'll get over it before my dad.

Kayla:  Yeah... I was going to get around to that one... what happened there, exactly? (or... even vaguely)

Brittany:  He went out of the country with his wife for like 3 weeks, so we watched his dog, which he pays me for. When they came to get her, I was wearing a spaghetti and was obviously with Trisha. He looked at me kinda weird, gave me the dog money, and left without saying much.

Kayla:  Ok... then what? Did you get in an argument about it later or something?

Brittany:  Nope. Nothing really. All was left unsaid. Though when I was at Crystal's baby shower, my sister was having a housewarming party later that night. We were gonna go, but then I got the text saying, "Make yourselves presentable. You know what I mean. And don't be so affectionate."

Kayla:  That. Is. Asinine. So, you in a spaghetti-strap shirt, arms around your girlfriend, isn't presentable enough?

Brittany:  Well, she was just sitting on the couch when he came over anyway, but when we do go out, there's a lot of PDA. But that's my partner. That's the way it is. She isn't that conventional in appearance either and it's like it was pretty acceptable when I came out as a "gay man" years ago, but now I'm a transwoman. I can say I'm bi all I want, but lets face it, I'm a dyke.

Kayla:  Oh... they didn't have issues with your PDA when you were a "boy" with a boy?

Brittany:  They didn't meet many boyfriends. Most of my involvements with men were always casual, go home in the morning.

Kayla:  Ah. It sounds (to me, just based on this) that they're ok with "whatever" as long as they don't actually have to see it and deal with it in person.

Brittany:  I guess. It was kind of that way when I came out trans. No visible results at first, but then it started getting real, I guess.

Kayla:  That sounds about right... sounds like your people are pretty non-confrontational... like they might avoid the issue entirely rather than deal with an argument or whatever.

Brittany:  My parents are, yeah. Maybe they know better than to argue with me. I'm really really good at it.

There was that point, I think, where people expected me to be a gay man with my mannerisms or whatever. I convinced myself of that for a while.

Kayla:  I was going to ask you about that, too. I, of course, thought you were gay way-back-when as well. But, were you ever really attracted to men the way you are women?

Brittany:  Not really. I just had no interest in women as a man. I might have had some interest in men, but never really took that seriously. It was just fun mostly. And it's easy to get men. Anyone can can get men. It was a good way to get laid, pimpin' and shit at Majestic.

Kayla:  So, then, your sexuality really didn't fully express itself until you made peace with the idea that you're trans...

Brittany:  Pretty much. It's like "coming out" again. Twice even.

Kayla:  Ha! I guess it is!  But, this time it's for real. At least for your family.

Brittany:  But hey, that's the way it is. I'm who I am.

Kayla:  Well, they'll just have to get used to it, I suppose.

How do you feel about how they've handled this lately?

Brittany:  Too bad for them... and maybe that contributes to the depression. I don't know for sure.

Kayla:  I suppose it's an obvious assumption (because who wouldn't), but do you think you're dealing with feeling abandoned or rejected... and maybe not really dealing with it? Seems like depression often comes when we're not really looking at something... for me, anyway.

Brittany:  Yeah. I said that to Trisha and Carmen at different points, so I know I have freshly created abandonment issues.

Kayla:  It's normal. It would be better if you and your folks could just talk about it. But I get the feeling they're not really up for that.

Brittany:  I doubt it. I think they want things their way. Their way isn't gonna happen.

Kayla:  No, it isn't. And that's something THEY should have to deal with.

Brittany:  Right.

Kayla:  It's not like you're telling them you don't love them anymore.

Brittany:  I know.

Kayla:  And that's the worst thing about these kinds of things... people have such a need to control the actions and lifestyles of other people. If they could grow up and realize that their identity does not have to be tied to your identity--that who you are doesn't change who they are--they could deal with this a whole lot better.

Brittany:  I know. Maybe I'll use that line sometime.

Kayla:  It's easier to think of this stuff when it isn't you that's going through it.

Have you spoken to your sister since the "be presentable" message?

Brittany:  A little. She has no issue herself, but we're not really close. We just kinda see each other in passing.

Kayla:  Yeah, I understand. Hmmm... well, what will you do? Are you going to bring the issue up or wait for them to?

Brittany:  I'll just wait for them, I think. I'm sort of starting to come to terms with it, and I have my own family to tend to now.

Kayla:  Yes. Priorities. Your elders can take care of themselves. They'll grow up in their own time or they won't. You just do what's best for you.

And keep talking. Don't bottle stuff up. That shit'll eat you alive.

Brittany:  Face it. Your son is a dyke. Like, really, a dyke.

Kayla:  I want that on a bumper sticker.

Brittany:  Sort of saying that in my head, not to you.

Kayla:  Lmao! I assumed so! (but who knows... he could be...)

Recovery, Romance, and Bad Conversation

In which we discuss Brittany's new love, renewed strength, and utterly fail to communicate.  I heckle us in pink italics.  Love and laughs! ~ Kayla

March 20, 2012

Kayla:  Hey, did we miss each other again?

Brittany:  I guess. I waited 20 min and got bored.  Here now though.

Kayla:  Oh there you are! Lol, I was waiting for you! ;)  Sorry, should've said something sooner. I was cooking w/ one eye on the computer, waiting to see you on here.

Well, anywho, how's it been going?

Brittany:  Things have been going well.

Kayla:  Things are good with Trisha?

Brittany:  Yeah, we hang out more days than not. Here on weekends. More over there during the week.  We had dinner yesterday for being together a month.  We got each other flowers and basically ended up trading them with each other.

Kayla:  That's awesome. Did you cook?

Brittany:  I usually cook.  I'm totally "the chick" in this relationship.  :)

Kayla:  I could've seen that coming. ;) Seems like this relationship is helping you deal with everything that's happened over the past few months.

Brittany:  Yeah. She definitely gets me.  I would have liked to go to the zoo or something kids friendly, but the weather was shit yesterday.  Maybe later.

Kayla:  Oh, does Trisha have a kid?

Brittany:  She has two.  She's not as young as she looks. Lol.

Kayla:  That's cool. Do they know you?

Brittany:  Yeah.  They're great.  When they come over here on weekends, they just crash on the pullout in the back bedroom, which is ok.  The bedrooms don't share a wall.  lol

Kayla:  That is handy. ;)

Brittany:  She has primary custody. They go to her ex's every other weekend.

Kayla:  It's cool that she's open enough that the kids can be around. In some places that might not be a big deal, but here in Oklahoma, I've seen enough mudslinging in custody battles to know that you found someone truly brave and special. It's also good that she has primary custody. That cuts down on a lot of bullshit.

Brittany:  Yeah. I don't really know his opinion of this. I don't think he cares, honestly. I guess if he cared, he wouldn't have left her while she was deployed.  But that's just my opinion.

This is where everything goes to hell.  Watch as we epitomize the phrase, “a failure to communicate.”

Kayla:  So much the better!

Oh, is she trans, too? Is that what you mean?

Brittany:  lol  Deployed doesn't mean trans.  It means she had to go to Iraq when she was in the army. --My favorite line in this whole FUBARed conversation.


Kayla:  No, silly, not deployed! I meant as to why he would've left her! You weren't with her when she was in the army.

(right?)

Brittany:  No. I knew her then, but nothing was really going on.

Kayla:  Ok, but why would him caring whether his kids are around her trans girlfriend now have effected his staying with her then?

Brittany:  What?

Kayla:  (this is where typing conversations gets sticky) ;)

Brittany:  I'm sure that had nothing to do with me.

And this is where we start typing over each other, which only makes matters worse. 


Kayla:  Lmao! Ok, back up. I said it was good that she's open enough that you could be around the kids. What I meant was that it's good that she's open enough to have a relationship with a trans woman and still be able to have the kids involved w/ that relationship.

Brittany:  I think he left her because he couldn't wait for her to get back.

Kayla:  You said the kids' dad didn't seem to care, either. And then you said if he did care, he probably wouldn't have left her when she was in the army. 'Splain.

OH! gotcha. But, he doesn't care if you're in his kids' lives?

Brittany:  Well, I think if you leave your person because of their job, that doesn't show caring.

Kayla:  Again, it SHOULDN'T be a big deal, but I've seen visitation issues where the other parent isn't even allowed to have members of the opposite sex spend the night when the kids are around.

Brittany:  in general.  And I'm not any kind of a threat to the girls. Like, he doesn't seem to have serious prejudice issues.

Bingo!  That's what I was getting at!  
And yet, my stupid ass is still typing, not seeing Brittany's last comment.


Kayla:  ... different kind of caring than I was thinking of. You mean, he literally doesn't care about them at all... right? (typing these things sucks)

Brittany:  No not really. I just think he must not have cared about Trisha that much. How did this become such a clusterfuck?

i'm not THAT? high right now. are you? --I left this line completely unedited because it's so fantastic.


Kayla:  Lmao! I don't know! (I'm seriously cracking up over here.)

No ma'am, I am completely sober, thank you very much. ;)

Brittany:  lol. All I meant was he seems a little indifferent in general.  She's out now, but if she did deploy and re-enlist or something, I'd wait.

I wouldn't leave.

My last post-convo comment before I butt out:  That last line is one of the sweetest things I have ever read, and it's all for you, Trisha, so I hope you're reading this, too. 


Kayla:  There are a lot of people who don't have patience. He obviously wasn't that dedicated to begin with.  Which is fine, because she's got you now, anyway.

Onto more pointed questions, your last post was obviously a doozey. How are you coping with all that now? Is it still bothering you?

Brittany:  No. And that might be the last anyone really hears about it. I think I've moved past it. I finally have a supportive girlfriend, I have supportive friends. You, Carmen, Crystal. Some others. I'm lucky in that sense.

Kayla:  Aw... thanks! *sniff* I know Carmen and Crystal helped a lot more than I did, but I'm glad I was able to let you know I care.

I'm just glad it's over and you're able to heal. It makes all the difference in the world, being able to talk it out.  But, before we leave it behind forever, I just want to say here that I am so, so proud of you for having the guts to talk about it on the blog. You didn't have to do that, but I think it's a story that can help a lot of people who are in that position and who feel like they can't talk about it because they feel marginalized.

Brittany:  Yeah. It took a while to get to where I could write that out as a blog, but I think that was almost the end of it. I don't have the related sexual trust issues anymore. That's a plus. Especially if you're Trisha I'm sure.

Kayla:  That's so great. I'm sure she helped a lot in that area.

Brittany:  She did. And she put up with the craziness that went on for a while—the bitchiness, not sleeping, not eating, keeping rifles on the bed.  Not everyone can handle someone like me. lol

Kayla:  Lol! I guess that's true. It sounds like you and she fell into eachother's lives at just the right moment. Well done not missing the opportunity!

Brittany:  We had been kind of in and out of touch over the years . . . slept together casually here and there. It became a relationship about a month ago. I had that conversation with her and it worked out. :)

Kayla:  And no more rifles by the bed?

Brittany:  Nah. They're where they belong these days.  :)

Kayla:  Awesome.

You still doing your voice lessons?

Brittany:  Yeah. I'm getting better at it, but it's easy to not pay attention and slip some on the phone or whatever.

Kayla:  That's cool. You'll get there.

Brittany:  Maybe next convo won't be so choppy.

Kayla:  Hopefully not. I'm sure we'll get our crap together someday.

Yeah . . . someday . . . 

It Can Happen to Anyone, and You Have to Survive

It took me a while to get to a point where I wanted to write about this. That's why I haven't blogged in a while.

At 4:30AM, December 31, 2011, I was raped (I just now noticed the last blog entry is dated December 30. That night basically). This wasn't some random attack. This was a guy I had enough trust in to be alone with at his home. I had known him for around 6 years. We weren’t super close, but we were friends, or so I thought.

I’m not going to sit here and explain all the gory details of the event. The short version is we went out for dinner and a couple drinks the night before. We ended up at his house. Chilled some doing nothing particularly exciting. He decided he wanted something I didn’t want to give him, so he took it. Then I went home.

The first person I told was my best friend Carmen. After eating a slightly late birthday lunch with some family and acting like nothing was amiss, I went over to her place. I’m glad I did. She was amazingly supportive. She did all this spiritual healing stuff. We hung out & talked for a few hours. She made sure I was emotionally & physically comfortable. I felt safe and knew I was ultimately  going to be OK. I can’t begin to express how much I appreciate it all with a reasonable amount of words, but I’ve never had anyone take care of me on that level. I already had plans to go to my best friends’ Crystal & Jerry’s New Year’s Eve party. By that point I was functional & just needed to have fun with people who love me. I had to speed myself up a little due to lack of sleep, but I made it. I told Crystal at one point, & otherwise didn’t let it ruin my night. She was also nothing but amazing and supportive when we discussed it more after the party. I didn’t tell anyone else for a week, which is a while for someone who usually just throws it all on table no matter what.

When I came out more publicly about this, people were overwhelmingly supportive & even protective. The circle of great friends I have has made this all something I can heal from. I’ll quote what Carmen wrote on my Facebook page on January 7 because the post meant the world to me:

“I 'like' the fact You are BRAVE enough to sate Your violation. Rape is an act of violence. To empower the WEAK and corrupt of mind. Mine remains unsolved and has impacted Me to this very day and I swore I would treat anyone brave enough to ever 'come out' and talk about it ever happening to them as I wish I were treated. I give out what i expect back and kharma is real and so Is the love and care I showed and will continue to show You, Doll. The COWARD that hurt You will pay for his deeds and no one else will ever have to face that kind of shit ever again from the perp. I will always be there and Will NOT rest until justice is served or peace of Your mind is found. Rape is rape. No means NO. Friends mean being there. That is I did. A TINY act of humanity. There is no end to my apology on behalf of the world's debt This piece of trash owes You. You are strong, brave and deserve only the absolute best. 'Nuff said. ♥ s forever. Time heals almost all wounds. But wounds don't hurt perps;) As long as You are My friend, You are safe. You have a friend for life, like it or not!:)”

There were some who just stayed away from the topic entirely. There were a very few others, however, who asked what I think are pretty common stupid/irrelevant questions people ask rape victims. 1“Did you say no?”  2“Were you clear?”  3“Was it a man or a woman?”  4“Did it hurt?”  5“Were you fucked up?”  6“Don’t you like it rough though?”  7“Did you try to stop him?” I even had someone say “That sucks,” as if I stubbed my toe or burned my shirt with a cigarette or something. In case anyone reading this doesn’t have the clarity you want, here:

1. Of course I said no.
2. I’m fucking clear about EVERYTHING.
3. Man, but the perpetrator’s sex is not relevant. Any one can rape.
4. What do you think? Rapists are gentle & loving?
5. Not particularly, but if I was, do you think I deserved it?
6. Yes, but not relevant. There is consent or there is no consent. It’s 1 or 0. There is no “.5” If I say stop, it means stop.
7. Most men are considerably larger then I am, & it’s a little difficult to fight someone if you’re being held down from behind. If I was able to stop him, I most likely would have never discussed any of this with anyone.

Bonus. Here is a video about the dumb shit some people say when someone they know gets raped: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rg1ocXCYUjQ.

That brings me to this concept people have that certain types of people somehow “deserve” it more, or that certain people simply can’t be raped. This is a big reason why rape is grossly under-reported, especially in marginalized communities. Transgender people, prison inmates, prostitutes, drug addicts. This was posted on Facebook recently. You can find idiocy by going through the comments. It does not matter who you are or what you do. If a person says says no, and you don’t stop, you are a rapist. If she was raped, it’s unfortunate that law enforcement will not take it seriously. She’s a prostitute, so who cares? When I called the cops, they were respectful enough to my face, but nothing ever got done. I wasted my time talking to them. I received numerous offers for handling this off the books. I opted to handle it “legitimately,” even though he didn’t do me that courtesy. Now I don’t have either option. Reporting it got me nowhere. Can’t do it dirty because reporting it means I’d be the first suspect if anyone figured anything out. So he gets off free & clear. Fail.

As hard as I may seem, this event took a toll on me, as is fairly normal from what I hear from other friends who have gone through the same thing. I don’t eat or sleep when I’m stressed. Even when I could convince myself everything was fine over the past couple months, other people could tell I wasn’t fine. I lost nearly 10 pounds, hardly slept, & had nightmares when I did unless I got good & fucked up and armed myself to the teeth first. I think I failed to acknowledge this would require a significant healing process. This doesn’t go away in a few days or a few weeks. A piece of me is gone forever, but I’ve finally come to terms with that. Once I was more open about my emotions (depression, anger, feeling weak, feeling unsafe, aversion to sex), & ultimately spent a few days in a psychiatric hospital, I’m finally making significant progress. It isn’t something that goes away quickly. I don’t care how hard you are.

I’m lucky. This all made it real fucking clear who I could count on and who really wasn’t worth my effort. After throwing out the trash, I still have a large circle of REAL friends who are the reason I made it through this. Now I even have a great girlfriend. She understands this issue & my emotions. She watched my shit and kept my other friends updated when I was at the psychiatric hospital. She makes me feel nothing but loved & safe, & that’s the only way it should ever be.

Just When You Thought You'd Lose Your Sex Drive

We are entering a realm of Too Much Information.  The gloves are off.  Your parents will not approve.  You have been warned.

December 13, 2011

Kayla:  I have absolutely no idea what to talk about, so this is gonna' be really fucking random. 

Brittany:  Me either. It's been awhile. We're off our game.

Kayla:  True 'dat.  I guess we should start with the obvious. How have you been feeling? Have there been many changes since the last time we talked?

Brittany:   Feeling great. Breasts are more developed. My skin doesn't really suck anymore.

Kayla:  Have you gone up a cup size yet, do you think?

Brittany:  Found someone who I'm into. A woman this time.

I almost can fill an A cup, so I bought a few.

Kayla:   Excellent! How are the hormones treating you? Any more weird dreams or serious mood swings?

Brittany:  I think the moods have leveled some, or I've gotten used to them. I was moody anyway.

Kayla:  How's work going? Are you totally "out" at work? I mean, are you dressing femininely there?

Brittany:  Yes. I have been for several weeks.

Kayla:  Everyone been cool about it there?

Brittany:  Nothing elaborate.

Kayla:  Oh... and the question everyone always has to ask (so, according to Transgender Friend Code 5, Sec. 234, I must also ask), what bathroom have you been using at work/public?

Brittany:  But it's work, you know? Not trying to be avant-garde there.

Generally the women's room.

Kayla:  So, work's cool because it's work and they kinda' have to be, and because you're not decked out like Madonna, waving your breast cones in everyone's face. Yeah?

Brittany:  Yeah.

Kayla:  Excellent! 

Brittany:  It's work. I'm not going in like I'm at a fetish party. They'd probably be uncool about that with any woman.

Kayla:  I'm thinking you're right. Although, I could test that . . . show up at my oh-so-conservative day job in a black leather cat suit and a whip in my hand . . . I'll let you know how they react.

Brittany:  Pics or it didn't happen.

Kayla:  Ha! Ok so, er, maybe not.  ;)

Brittany:  Thanks for sending me to the gutter, though. Lol.

Kayla:  I do what I can.

Brittany:  It's not so difficult to do lately. My doctor said my libido would probably go down. She was wrong.

Kayla:  I have noticed. I am a bit mystified by that, considering the rumor that hormones would be a sex drive buzz-kill. Maybe we should do a little research here, to see if said hormones are ever known to cause the opposite reaction . . . what are you taking again? What's it called?

Brittany:  And I've been sort of "saving" this energy for now, seeing how this romantic thing develops . . . as in, I'm not fucking other people either. I guess I could, but I'm waiting to see what happens.

Kayla:  Yikes . . . there are ways of taking care of that "energy" so you don't turn into the equivalent of a bitch in heat, ya' know. I'm just sayin'.

Brittany:  Yeah.

Kayla:  And it doesn't have to include other people . . . you've heard of this method, yes?

Brittany:  And that's great because I have an image to start from now.

Kayla:  Oh, do not go there! Lol!

Brittany:  But, I'm taking Spironolactone and Estradiol.

I'm cool with burning some of that energy that way. I just don't wanna burn all of it.

Kayla:  Spi-ro-no-lac-tone . . . man that's a mouthful . . . .

Brittany:  People just call it "Spiro."

Kayla:  But, no, no, no . . . don't get rid of it all! Though, I'm pretty positive there's more where that came from.

Ok, I'm looking up the Spiro stuff . . . .

Brittany:  Yeah. as long as I have some extra when needed, so it's that much more exceptional. 

Spiro is the antiandrogen.

Kayla:  Lol! Yeah, you should be fine in that department . . . .

Ok, the Spiro label, according to http://www.drugs.com/sfx/spironolactone-side-effects.html says:

COMMON side effects persist or become bothersome when using Spironolactone:

Diarrhea; drowsiness; headache; nausea; stomach cramping; vomiting.

Ugh. But nothing about libido . . . what about the less common side effects . . . ?

Brittany:  I think it happens from a lack of testosterone for a lot of people.

Kayla:  Probably . . . it says:

Seek medical attention right away if any of these SEVERE side effects occur when using Spironolactone:

Severe allergic reactions (rash; hives; itching; difficulty breathing; tightness in the chest; swelling of the mouth, face, lips, or tongue); black, tarry, or bloody stools; change in the amount of urine produced; confusion; dark urine; decreased sexual ability; enlarged breasts in men; irregular or missed menstrual periods; pale stools; severe or persistent stomach pain; symptoms of abnormal fluid or electrolyte levels (eg, fast, slow, or irregular heartbeat; increased thirst; muscle weakness; severe or persistent dry mouth, nausea, or vomiting; severe or persistent dizziness or drowsiness; unusual fatigue or sluggishness; tingling sensation); yellowing of the skin or eyes.

Brittany:  Haven't had any of that, really.

Kayla:  Wait, LMAO! "Enlarged breasts in men . . ." Isn't that the point? Is it a bug? Or is it a feature?

Brittany:  Even when Stephanie and I were at QT, her pee was kinda’ dark from some UTI med she was taking. I was like, "my pee is kinda’ clear because I drink too much water." lol

Kayla:  That's probably how you keep from having a lot of crappy side effects. You flush your system properly. But, yes, it definitely says "decreased sexual ability" and nothing about it increasing . . . so . . . you're just a freak, I guess. 

Brittany:  I guess. Or I'm more comfortable with my body.

Kayla:  That makes sense . . . and, ya' know . . . there's the new girl. 

Brittany:  Yeah. And we connect. Like really have these real conversations and connect.

Kayla:  That helps a lot . . . especially for women. 

Brittany:  Yeah. It's nice to connect and all that instead of the usual wanting people to leave before they drink too much of my coffee. Although Trisha stayed here for like 3 days once.

Kayla:  BAHahahahahahaha!

Brittany:  Which was ok since I was all crazed that weekend. lol

Kayla:  I almost inhaled my pop!

That weekend wasn't a "relationship," though . . . it's okay to hoard your coffee for a booty call.

Brittany:  I know. That's a friends with benefits sort of thing only.

Kayla:  Of course . . . it's nice to share with your friends, too. Just sayin'. (I'm still chuckling over here.)

Brittany:  Part of what was going on there was that a certain someone didn't come back to town on time, and I was really nice when I went into work on black Friday.

Kayla:  Oh sure . . . blame it on some woman . . . Ha! I bet you were!

Brittany:  Up all late and shit. I didn't even shower. Stephanie finally DID make it back last Sunday.

Kayla:  Oh wait! I never looked up the side effects for the 2nd hormone you're taking! If we're going to be thorough here . . . what was it called again?

Brittany:  We've gone out and such several times.

Estradiol.

Kayla:  That's awesome. I'm glad you've found someone that looks promising.

Brittany:  I think she's coming over this weekend. I'm going to cook something for her because I'm good at it.

Kayla:  What're you gonna' cook? (looking up Estradiol . . . )

Brittany:  Haven't totally decided. I'll probably decide at the store the day before. Not steak or fish, though. She doesn't like those.

Kayla:  Chicken? Hard to go wrong with chicken, unless she's a vegetarian.

Brittany:  Probably chicken something. She likes Italian food.

Kayla:  You could make some kind of lasagna. Everyone likes lasagna.

Brittany:  It will be a nice change. I only cook for myself most of the time and I know she likes Chinese. The first time we met after she returned was at a Chinese place. The pic is from that Chinese place. But she specifically said Italian when I asked, so I'm going that route.

Kayla:  I THINK I FOUND IT! This is from the same website, http://www.drugs.com/sfx/estradiol-side-effects.html:

COMMON side effects persist or become bothersome when using Estradiol Valerate:

Abnormal hair growth; breast tenderness; changes in sex drive; cramps; dizziness; flushing; hair loss; headache; lightheadedness; nausea; pain, swelling, or redness at the injection site; reduced tolerance to carbohydrates; stomach bloating and upset; swelling; vaginal infection; weight changes.

Did you see that? CHANGES in sex drive, not specifically a reduction. So it could totally be the Estradiol! Not the attraction to this one girl, of course, but the constant mind-in-the-gutterness which you are experiencing. (That should be a technical term.)

Brittany:  Yeah. I have a few of those symptoms. Been a while since I read the list, though.

Kayla:  But yes, go with her food suggestion 'cause that's what she'll be building her appetite for. You know, kinda' like mentally preparing for sex. 

Brittany:  lol. She needs to get out of her house anyway.

Kayla:  I just figured your mind would go there, so I thought I'd head it off at the pass.

Brittany:  Drama. She lives with her baby daddy, his girlfriend, and some other ex, I think the only plus there is she's with her son every day.

Kayla:  Ooh . . . something else that might be good . . . and wouldn't have to make as much as a whole pan of lasagna . . . some kind of angel hair pasta with a nice marinara and chicken or something.

Ugh . . . I told you before I think that's a bad situation.

Brittany:  Well, she knows she could stay here if she wanted to. And she also has another friend who offered. If it blows up in her face, she'll be fine.

Kayla:  That's good. At least she's got something to fall back on.

Brittany:  Be right back.

Ok, dog wanted out.

Kayla:  Dumb dogs . . . always wantin' something. 

Brittany:  Yeah. It's ok, though. He's my security system if shit goes down when I'm not here.

Kayla:  Anyway, your dinner plans are making me hungry . . . I'm gonna' have to get off here pretty soon to fix that situation.

Dogs are awesome security alarms.

Speaking of which, a friend of ours was telling us there have been something like 10 or 11 dogs poisoned to death in his neighborhood!

Brittany:  I'm not really sure what he'd do, lol.

Kayla:  He'd make a lot of noise. That's usually enough.

Brittany:  Breaking in when I AM here might be better. Quick. No mauling. But I heard about the dog poisoning. Who the fuck does that?

Kayla:  Did you??? I hadn't until said friend mentioned it.

Brittany:  Saw it on Channel 6.

Kayla:  Some asshole, obviously. I heard whoever it was used rat poisoning. Some people need to be lynched. He's killing people's family members, whether the perpetrator or the police understand that or not.

Brittany:  I'd bring out my evil black shotgun for someone like that.

Kayla:  It'd be worth it.

Brittany:  And yeah, I'd feel justified and sleep just fine that night.

Kayla:  Right?

Brittany:  People don't get too crazy out here. Kind of why I bought [my home] here. But harming my animals is about as good of an idea as harming my friends.

Kayla:  That's good. I mean, people don't typically get like this in that neighborhood, either, which is kinda' in the sticks, up in the hills.

Brittany:  Yeah. Anyone with some sense knows there are gun owners out in the sticks.

Kayla:  I know . . . and they are PISSED OFF. You do not fuck with people's pets. Bad, bad idea.

Brittany:  Probably some wannabe serial killer.

Kayla:  Gotta' be. Ugh.

Brittany:  Hopefully he'll encounter someone like me. Save a few future lives.

Kayla:  That's a pleasant thought.

On that note, I guess I'd better go make my pork chops. It's almost 8:00.

Brittany:  Yeah. If you don't make them by 8, the world ends.

Kayla:  I know. It's pretty dire. I mean, they go all radioactive and shit, and THEN what'm I gonna' do?

Brittany:  I guess I can "take care of my business" for the day. Vinyl suit and whip girl.

Kayla:  Lmao!!! I do not need updates on your "business."

Brittany:  lol. You started it. Your bad.

Kayla:  Sigh... true. There's no excuse.

Brittany:  But seriously, though. I'll try to work up a blog entry based on some of that stuff we were talking about on the phone. I'll email it when I do it. It's still fresh in my brain, so it should come together easily

Kayla:  Good. Strike while the iron's hot or some shit.

Brittany:  Yep. Well, go cook your pork chops.

Kayla:  I will. And they'll be mighty tasty.

Brittany:  I already ate. But I'll talk to you soon.

Kayla:  Curious creature, eating dinner before 8:00 at night. But, yeah, talk to ya' later.