Life After Death

I'm restarting this blog, unfortunately, on a somber note. My mother died on January 10, 2018 at age 63, which is also why it took me so long to write after the chat between Kayla and I was posted.

My mother and I had a complicated relationship throughout my younger years. I was a handful to say the least, and she had an occasional tendency to become verbally abusive at times, whether it was directed at me, my sister, or an inanimate object. Any number of things could set her off. Spilled drink, a little attitude, bad day, whatever. There are many ways to be verbally abusive, some subtle, some blatant. She has an issue with explosive anger, possibly partially resulting from her own unacknowledged mental health struggles. As wrong as it is to be screaming at children hysterically over the smallest offense, she was usually very caring and supportive. We managed to stay close regardless.

My anxiety began to show up at a young age. I remember being 9 or 10 years old, and pretending to be sick because I had intrusive thoughts (common enough with anxiety disorders) that something would happen to her if I left, as if I could somehow stop anything by being there at that age. Social anxiety also showed up pretty early on. I was never really afraid of family or people I knew well, but other people were, and still sometimes are, a source of anxiety. Whether any of this relates to that complex relationship with my mother (and father, but this isn't about him) is hard to say, but it's very much possible.

In my adult life, things improved drastically. She was always one of my biggest supporters. She didn't really mind how unconventional I was and am. She was fine with the whole visibly punk/goth thing I had going on for a while. When I told her I was trans, she accepted it with minimal struggle. My polyamorous relationship with Trisha and Michelle was just seen as another interesting thing about how I live life. My partners, daughters, and her got along very well. We'd all hang out, go to dinner, watch shows on Netflix. If I needed her support, she was there.

On December 31, 2017, I was with Bae 1, Bae 2 (what I sometimes call Trisha and Michelle, respectively) and my best friend Lindsey in Dallas celebrating my birthday week, when I received a text from my mom, who was in the hospital for seemingly mild issues at the time, saying she had liver cancer, having already survived breast cancer.

The first couple times I visited she seemed alright, but then she picked up pneumonia. After a few days of that, I got a call on January 6 from someone who was visiting and from her doctors saying she was moved to intensive care, to come as quickly as I could, and asking about her DNR (Do Not Resuscitate order). When I got there and met up with her boyfriend, she was conscious, but her vitals were all over the place, and she had a breathing mask on, helping her breathe, but not doing it for her. She was confused, had always been claustrophobic, and kept trying to take it off despite us telling her not to every few seconds. They finally put the mitten things on her hands so she couldn't grab the mask. That made it worse. This went on for several hours. She was panicking constantly, making her vitals even worse. I've never seen someone I care about suffer like that. Finally after about 7 hours in the hospital with her, she was on the right anxiety medication to be calm with fairly stable, though not ideal, vitals. That was the last time I saw her properly conscious. Knowing what was coming, I brought the tablet in to watch the one episode of Broadchurch we hadn't seen on January 9, even though I knew she couldn't perceive it, and I'm totally not usually that sentimental. That was her last night alive. The next day my sister made it into town. We decided to put her on comfort care, since she was obviously not going to wake up, and never wanted sustained life support (I don't want that either). All that means is they stopped the breathing machine and drips, and gave her morphine so she wouldn't be in pain. She died 15 minutes later, peacefully. Fortunately, it was nothing like January 6.

At the beginning of the time-frame above, there seemed to be some hope. Cancer appeared to be discovered early (turned out it was stage 4). She was lucid when I called and visited her. When they moved her to intensive care, they called, obviously thinking she was about to die. When, I went up there and met up with her boyfriend, she was so confused, and panicking non-stop for hours, I stayed until 2 or 3 hours after she became stable. It stuck with me. I had barely been eating anyway because I tend not to eat when stressed. I was also dehydrated, and began having panic attacks of my own anytime the phone rang, thinking it was her doctors. With no other history of hallucinations, I'd hear the phone ring even when it wasn't. All of those things resulted in me going to the hospital, thankfully only for about a day. My depression and anxiety are usually "high functioning," and I can usually remain super rational to the point of coming across as cold. When I can't, it's an event. Those icy layers break. My anxiety spikes. I get depressed and can't motivate myself enough to do anything. Those were the first panic attacks I've had in years.

It's still hard. Losing a close loved one is difficult, and losing a parent is even more difficult. Grief takes time, but it gradually gets better. Fortunately I have a great support system. My partners, daughters, friends, father, sister, and aunt (mother's older sister, who stayed at my house for a few days while she was here) helped a lot. My partners have been really affectionate, and everyone has been there for me when needed, and been willing to give me space when needed. My mom donated some of her body to science, which I sort of find comfort in. I'm all about science, also a donor, and maybe a little good can be done after death that way. I have an urn above the fireplace, along with another meant to go to my sister next time my dad goes to visit her in the southwest, and a box for my aunt to scatter up north. My mom's boyfriend, who has another dog of his own, also asked if I wanted her dog, Bo. I said yes. He's kind of goofy and entertaining. He joins 2 other dogs and 2 cats, but stands out because of his personality, and seems as happy being part of this family as the others. Maybe it's kind of a silver lining that I get to take over the love and care of this dog she loved so much.

We're Ba-ack!

In which Brittany and Kayla attempt to restart and catch up the whole blog (after a 5 year hiatus) in a one-hour lunchtime private chat, and mostly succeed even if it does end abruptly. But this is just the (re)beginning, friends and fam. It's a whole new world out there; we've got some shit to discuss.  

January 3, 2018

Kayla:  First of all, let’s start this off by saying I have zero specific questions prepped, so we’re going to be TOTALLY OFF THE CUFF HERE, PEOPLE. You know, how professional bloggers do it. 😉
But it’s been... gah... how long has it been now? Since our last BB convo?

Brittany:  Yeah. Just winging it here too. Most recent blog entry is from October 2012, so a long ass time.

Kayla:  Yep. Sounds about right. I’ve gotten divorced, remarried, and had a baby since then.
And you’ve clearly met the love of your life, if I can be so bold...?

Brittany:  Yeah. Still with Trisha after almost 6 years now. And Michelle has stuck around for about 2. Crazy. Good crazy, but I didn't see it coming

Kayla:  That’s fantastic! So at this point, you’re in a polyamorous relationship? Is that how you’d describe it?

Brittany:  Yeah. The 3 of us. Trisha & I were always somewhat open, but the actual 3rd person in a real relationship wasn't something we were looking for, but Michelle is awesome.

Kayla:  Do you live together, or in separate homes?

Brittany:  Together. She moved in about a year ago, not like  Trisha & I moving in together after like 2 months. And she's young. 28 in April.

Kayla:  How has that been with the kids and all? I know Trish has daughters. Is their dad supportive?

Brittany:  He doesn't seem to care, other than occasionally remarking how he wishes he had 2 girlfriends lol. He has a relationship to the girls, not much of one with the adults.

Kayla:  That’s cool. At least he’s not being a dick about it. Buckle of the Bible Belt and all that - I’ve known some cases where things were way harder.

Brittany:  Yeah. Fortunately he's about as religious as I am. I imagine being a religious person in a relationship with Trisha would be about as lovely as being with me.

Kayla:  Lol, good. But, so, where we left off... your transition... which is obviously not transitional anymore. But to catch people up, how have things been on that front since?

Brittany:  I've pretty much decided to probably not get surgery because I don't want to deal with the recovery period. My boobs are 32A from hormones. I'm pretty content with that as I'm scrawny enough that they're visible. I zapped all the facial hair off some time ago, and have worked on my voice.

Kayla:  And you’re still doing regular hormone treatments?

Brittany:  Yeah. That'll be for life.

Kayla:  Well, you’ve always spoken of them so fondly, so that’s ok.  😉

Brittany:  It took a while for them to grow. Doubt they will anymore. Makes sense though. My mom is about the same size. I got her body type, but a few more inches of height, which I never really thought about pre-transition.

Kayla:  Not everyone can be a DDD, though I suppose there are implants, if you ever decide to go that route. A lot of women do.

Brittany:  Yeah. Could happen, but probably not. If I do anything, it would be facial feminization surgery since I sort of take after my dad in that area. But then again, people on the street don't usually clock me anyway.

Kayla:  Clock you?

Brittany:  Notice I'm trans.

Kayla:  Oh, that’s not a term I’ve heard before! Where does that come from? Why ‘clock’? (I usually think of that word in terms of either being punched or a timepiece, way to keep time.)

Brittany:  I'm not actually sure where it comes from. Just part of the lingo you pick up from other trans people. Like getting clocked means you didn't "pass" as cis to the person who noticed.

Kayla:  Gotcha. I just had to ask ‘cause words/language fascinate me in general.
But do you feel that helps you, socially speaking? That you typically “pass”?

Brittany:  Yeah, but few people pass all the time. Sometimes you can tell someone is clocking you or picking up on something when they look at you weird. Thankfully, most people don't say anything. But then comes the new problem of cat callers and street harassers. Which is scary because, if they clock me in the process of harassing, that can get dangerous.

Kayla:  That was going to be my next question, even before you brought it up. How people treat you in public in blood-Red Oklahoma.

Brittany:  Yeah, that has a lot to do with why I got my carry permit and got into kickboxing with Michelle.

Kayla:  I don’t blame you. It’s a hard world for women. And it’s an especially hard world for trans women.

Brittany:  Yeah. The world is dangerous, so I became dangerous.

Kayla:  You do what you have to do to protect yourself.

Brittany:  It's not right for everyone, but it helps me feel a bit more secure.

Kayla:  Yeah, I get that.

Brittany:  Plus kickboxing is fun and totally great for fitness.

Kayla:  I can’t own a gun (personal limit) because I’m too paranoid to have them around kids/teenagers, even locked in a safe. But I’m also not trans, so I’m sure if I saw a new report every week of one of my small community getting murdered, I’d feel differently.
Lol, now I probably should get into kickboxing. I could stand to lose some pounds.  😉

Brittany:  It's one way to do it.

Kayla:  Probably more effective than sitting around watching Netflix all the time.

Brittany:  It's kind of hard to picture you kickboxing though. 20ish years of knowing you, and I've never sensed any violent inclinations on your part.

Kayla:  Lol, right? Have you built up any muscles doing that?

Brittany:  Yeah. I have good tone these days.

Kayla:  Though, I did take Tung Sudo when I was a kid. For, like, 6 months. I don’t even know if I’m still spelling that right. Maybe I should just do yoga. I need good tone, too.

Brittany:  Tang Soo Do? I looked it up. Yoga is great, too.

Kayla:  That might be right. I’ve done a little yoga.

Brittany:  I think just about every gym has toga classes.

Kayla:  Lol, I know that’s a typo, but now I’m picturing a bunch of people wrapped in sheets.

Brittany:  Lol. I didn't notice. Classes on how to dress in sheets.

Kayla:  Yes. And drink like a frat boy.

Brittany:  Yeah. I wouldn't be hanging out there

Kayla:  No drinking?

Brittany:  Not for a few years now. Or hard drugs. It was getting pretty toxic.

It's almost 1, and I have a client, so let me copy and paste real quick.

And this is where we both had to get back to our respective day jobs wihtout ceremony, as we'd run out the clock. No pun intended. But stay tuned. We like doing this better than our day jobs, anyway.

Crazy Bitch

This is something I haven’t generally been open about with most of my own people, let alone the general public, but I had mentioned it in a previous blog entry. It isn’t really related to my gender transition, and I try to stay on topic for the most part. It’s an issue in my life, and a lot of people’s lives though, so I’ll go off topic this once. I’m just talking about this as I experience it here. I’m not going to type out the DSM for you. You can read that yourself if you want “official” information.

I have Bipolar 2 disorder, which is basically “manic-depression” with less of the mania. I don’t remember exactly when I was diagnosed. In my early or middle twenties. Something like that. I was in the hospital (Laureate) for a few days in 2005 for the depression, in 2010 following my deliberate overdose, and more recently after the rape. Most of the time it isn’t so intense as to justify hospitalization, but it has been.

You can thank the media for me generally not talking about it. Bipolar is all the rage right now. When I was younger, it was Attention Deficit Disorder. Everyone was on Ritalin. Now it seems to be Bipolar. Every time someone does something fucked up like shooting strangers in a movie theater, you start hearing the term “bipolar” over and over in the news reports. This makes the stigma associated with the issue that much worse. If you tell someone you have it, sometimes they seem uncomfortable because it probably conjurs up memories of crazies in the news. It’s never occurred to me to go shoot a bunch of people in any state of mind. Maybe that dude didn’t shoot up a movie theater because he has a mood disorder. Maybe he just did it because he’s an asshole.

People also don’t always react in a positive manner. Tell someone you have Bipolar, or just about any psychiatric issue, and you’re put into the “crazy bitch” file and more or less written off as more trouble than you’re worth. Here is a video about stigma surrounding mental health issues.

It seems to add some intensity to my personality, but I’m loud and proud in general, so it’s hard to say. Most of the time my mood is reasonably close to normal. I do go through cycles from time to time though. I have depression spells more than mania spells. I’ll get depressed for no reason for several days and then get past it. When I do have manic spells, I have more energy than I want. My mind races somewhat. It’s hard to sleep and eat properly. I get a lot done during those times, but I’m also high strung, and tend to stress hard over stupid things I normally don’t care about.

Depression spells that pop up on their own are one thing, but the worst depression spells come right after manic spells. That’s what is happening as I write this (10-23-2012). Mildly irritable and manic for several days, then suddenly it’s like jumping off the north face of Mt Everest. It’s like an intense sadness with no cause. I can, and sometimes do, cry over the smallest things or over nothing at all. I’m not motivated to do much. I don’t really want to talk to anyone. I’ve been kind of mopey and sluggish most of the day. If I could sleep for 2 days, I would. My mind sort of wanders to depressing things. I have to shut some people out because they’re triggers of a sort. People who have a tendency to hurt my feelings and people who suck away all my energy with their bullshit drama.

During both of these times, I have to pay extra attention to my stress. I stick to low-intensity, relaxing things like reading books, watch movies with my Partner and our girls. Thankfully my work is pretty low stress, so I don’t struggle too much there.

Medication helps keep me level most of the time. Some people don’t believe in taking medication, usually new age types who don’t need medications. That’s great. Live in your tree hugging dirty hippie world if it makes you happy, but until you go through what I go through, your opinion is invalid. I make my medical decisions based on my own research and the advice of people who specialize in these fields, not idealism. If you don’t like medicine, don’t take it.

The most helpful thing is my support system. My Partner takes care of me emotionally. She has similar issues. I take care care of her emotionally. If some conversation I’m having via text messaging is stressing me out (pretty common), she knows when to make me shut it off for the day. Spending time with her and the girls always brings me joy. The close friends I have seem to understand. If I need to talk, my Partner and friends listen. If I need to be left alone for a little while, they understand. If I get overly stressed out over nothing, they understand and let it go without a great deal of judgement.

None of this makes me completely dysfunctional. I earn a living. I take care of my family. I live my life, and enjoy almost all of it. Knowing I’m not alone in the world makes all the difference.

Things Change

“I want to taste glory in each day, and never be afraid to experience pain; and never shut myself up in a numb core of nonfeeling, or stop questioning and criticizing life and take the easy way out. To learn and think: to think and live; to live and learn: this always, with new insight, new understanding, and new love.” –Sylvia Plath

In some ways I guess I’m becoming more obnoxious and more militant about who I am and having the right to be who I am. I used to be a very reserved, even shy, individual. I missed out on a lot of life, good and bad things. I guess I wasn’t particularly proud of who I was as a person. I was watching myself do things almost as sort of a mildly uninterested outside observer. I was usually fairly numb. I didn’t allow myself to feel much of anything substantial, as I wasn’t “me,” so why bother?

Things have changed. Sometimes I feel like I wasted over 3 decades of my life. I don’t want to waste a 4th. With the physical and emotional changes that come with making good progress on my transition, I’ve gradually become considerably more comfortable with myself. Maybe I’m overcompensating somewhat. I want to experience life as much as I can, and I do. I feel everything very intensely or not at all. I prefer the former these days.

I came very close to ending my life when I deliberately overdosed in the summer of 2010. I think that’s when I realized I needed to either really live or quit wasting my time and give it a better shot. Now I do what I want. I run my own business. I feel no obligation to “mainstream.” I have kinky sex. I fuck like a wild animal. Sometimes I drink a little too much or do too many drugs. I don’t apologize for it. I’m responsible. I’m an adult. I’m very open about all of that. I owe no apologizes for simply living my life. How conventional or unconventional things are is of very little concern to me. I’m emotional. I’m very compassionate and very passionate. I’m very loving, and also very bitchy. I can tell you I love you and say fuck you in one sentence, and mean it. If people don’t like this new loud and proud me, that’s fine. They can stay away, and some do.

Most of the time, this is a good thing. My relationship with my partner is very loving and we’re still very affectionate, almost like teenagers at times. We laugh a lot, and we laugh hard. We have deep and intense conversations. The sex is never boring. In fact, it’s pretty mind-blowing. My close friends seem to love me more than ever before. When I socialize, we have great fun. When I feel antisocial, I shut myself off, but I’m usually not miserable during these times. It may be that I’m feeling a bit misanthropic, or it may be that I just need time to myself to achieve a sense of calm and take a break from the chaos I seem to attract, but I enjoy every minute of being with my newly acquired family, doing the work that I do, getting a little alone time for gaming and writing, whatever.

Sometimes all this feeling and desire to feel can be a bad thing. I get overly attached to the wrong people. My heart is easy to break, and when that happens I express all those feelings all at once. Sometimes this can cost me a friend. I developed romantic feelings for a friend recently. I love those protective women, and that’s how she was. She took great care of me when it was needed, especially after I was raped last December. And I felt everything from that experience too. Too intensely as usual. I went kind of crazy for a while. Partied to much, let my emotions run completely wild, barely slept because I had nightmares if I did, freaked out for no real reason. She dealt with that very well as a friend. I finally began to calm down somewhat when I got together with Trisha, but those feelings continued to develop. We started fighting all the time when we talked. Now we don’t really talk anymore at all. We never hang out. And it kind of breaks my heart. I lost a pretty great friend. Maybe I wouldn’t have if I maintained a greater level of sanity. Then again, maybe it was doomed regardless. Who can say?

I’m also bipolar. I was diagnosed in 2002 or something like that, maybe a little before. I don’t talk about this very often (really not at all with most people). This is why I go through depression spells from time to time. I take medication for this, but I’m sure it contributes some to the intensity with which I experience life. Sometimes, like at the current time, I just lie low and enjoy my home life. I have to in order to achieve some sort of psychological balance. Feeling everything all the time takes a lot of energy, especially when some these things are negative in any way. Sometimes I don’t have that much energy. I get worn out and rest with my family and my electronic entertainment.

It’s all worth it though. I wouldn’t want it any other way. As much as some of the bad things like rape, or to a lesser extent, failed friendships, may suck, the good things outnumber the bad. I have a lot of people who love me. Feeling that the majority of the time is what makes everything I’m doing worth it. I’ll do what I need to do to maintain some balance, but I’m going to live my life at full intensity. I’m going to enjoy the happy times and cry during the bad times for the rest of my life because I don’t want to be numb and bored when it ends.

Since I've Been Gone

I know I haven’t blogged in quite a while. Life has been busier than normal. I haven’t had a lot of time or motivation for writing.

My Partner found a lump in my left breast in early September. That means I had to have a mammogram. Welcome to womanhood. With estrogen comes an increased risk of breast cancer. It’s always a good idea to examine your breasts periodically, or have someone else do it. I do not have health insurance, as my business is a one woman operation. No employers. No employees. I went to Planned Parenthood to have them look at it. I think a lot of people don’t realize they do cancer screenings and such. It isn’t a free abortion store. They provide other health care services. The doctor gave me a prescription for the mammogram along with a coupon from Project Woman so it would be free. You actually need a prescription for that, like you would for pain medication or hormones.

The mammogram happened about a week later, and I had to wait close to another week for the results. The process itself is rather uncomfortable. Basically what they do is squish your tits with a machine and take an x-ray. My breasts are pretty small, so it was that much more difficult. Thankfully, the results came up negative for cancer. It was benign calcium deposits. They’re harmless and require no further action other than getting another mammogram in 6 months.

Family life and work have also taken up a lot of my time. Since I work from home and set my own hours, I walk the kids to school in the morning, and back home in the afternoon. The school is one block from the house, so no need to drive them. Most nights I cook for them and my Partner. That’s probably my favorite thing to do for them. We eat healthy food. I never thought I’d become as domestic as I have, but I enjoy it.

I also went through a depression spell recently. I have bipolar 2, and go through cycles sometimes. I take medication for this, but of course no medication is perfect. I’m usually not that open about this, but it is a part of who I am. Most of the time I feel just fine, but occasionally I do get depressed despite the fact that my life is great. Thankfully I have a great support system. My Partner has similar issues, and is very understanding. She listens if I need to talk, holds me, and generally sort of pampers me. We’ll just hang out around the house and play video games or watch movies. This cheers me up some, or at the very least, makes the depression much more tolerable. However negative my mood might be, I know I’m loved. That makes all the difference.

Hopefully, at this point, I’ll blog a bit more frequently. Life got more chaotic than normal for a while there. With help from my Partner and a few great friends, I got through it. I’m lucky in a way. Not everyone has a social support system like mine.

Knights in Shining Armor

Feelings so often get "in the way," but they are what makes our worlds go 'round.  These are our glasses, our lights by which we see.  Without them, we are merely surviving.

July 11, 2012

Kayla:  I'm like here and stuff... dawg.

Brittany:  k. shows you offline though.

Kayla:  It always does. I try to stay all incognito so I don't get bombarded all day long w/ pms while I'm trying to fb and work at the same time.

Brittany:  pms?

Kayla:  PMs? Private message... oldskool term, I guess... I'm old. And technologically square.

Brittany:  Oh. Yeah. That's not what I thought you meant.

Kayla:  (not premenstrual syndrome, as it may at first have looked) lol

How's life been going?


Brittany:  I've discovered writing apparently makes me hot. I went out in the back yard for quite a while to be left alone. When I came back, she said, “You're hot after you write for hours."
I'm like, "How so?"
"The way your hair gets all messy and you look like you just got back from some faraway place."

Kayla:  Writers ARE hot. That just goes without saying. (Look at Neil Gaiman!)

Brittany:  She totally got laid after that. Basically said I'm hot when I think I look like shit.

Kayla:  Hey, whatever works...

Brittany:  Well, it's not difficult with me.

Kayla:  I sort of sussed that out, yeah...

Brittany:  She's hot as fuck, she loves me as I am. I'm happy.

Kayla:  Good, lovergirl. Glad the world is looking up.  ;)

Brittany:  She puts up with my unfortunate crush on Carmen, too. Which is probably the only stressful thing going on right now.

Kayla:  Meh... you can't help a crush. That's just how people work. Why is it stressful?

Brittany:  Carmen and I get into fights all the time and I wish we didn't. Trisha understands it, and knows I wouldn't actually pursue it even it if it were an option.

Kayla:  What on earth do you fight about? That mystifies me. I mean, you're not sleeping together, coparenting, or cohabitating... what's left?

Brittany:  The feelings just got real strong after a while. It influences my behavior and how I take certain things in conversations, I guess. They interfere with the friendship. Maybe I can email one of the texts from after our last fight. It's very long. (I just converted it to a media message so I could write as much as I want.)

Kayla:  Oh... did she say she would do something, or did you have some expectation, and she didn't come through? I find that's usually what pisses Brittany off... you're very sensitive about being ignored or let down.

Brittany:  No. She didn't do anything. It just turned so intense for me, that it's caused communication problems.

Kayla:  Just remember to breathe and try not to put too many expectations--especially emotional expectations--on her. Take it lightly. (which is kind of like telling a fish not to swim, but...) wait... what's your sign again?

Brittany:  Capricorn. But Leo moon. If you're thinking signs, go with the moon on this.

Ok. The email thing worked, so I'll send it. It's very long and not formatted at all. It's a text I sent after an argument we had:

I don't hate you. & I wasn't trying to hang out or lessen the space. I pretty much stay in my house w my girls anymore. Sometimes we hang w Crystal, & that's enough. Really just wanted to say hi & let you know I'd still do a site for free if you needed one. I don't want you to feel guilty. Somehow you just came off cold, or it seemed that way to me, when you said you'd talk to me later. We just get into these text fights & I feel like you stopped caring or something. & the boob job comment & telling me to see someone at the equality center cut really deep, & that makes it seem more that way. Besides, I do get my hormones from a professional. I'm not getting them off the market or whatever. Maybe that's not what you were trying to do, but that's what happened. & texted is such bad communication. We say perfectly innocuous things, but they sound like insults. & my past experiences w people don't help. I'm more used to "Stephanies" than people like Trisha, or like you or Crystal. It's what I expect. I know a lot of people. Close to almost none of them. I guess the outside world is just an ugly place to me. That's why I organized my life the way I did. & the stupid crush thing. I think it's gone, then "oh nevermind." Then I feel bad bc it stresses you out, & I'm only supposed to feel that way about Trisha. & I don't have these issues w Crystal. I totally love & appreciate everything you did, but at the same time, I almost wish I didn't tell you after I got raped. You were all knight in shining armor after that. More than anyone else, & I think that's where this came from. Like if I didn't tell you, we wouldn't be fighting all the time now 

Brittany:  That pretty much explains it in unformatted dumping my whole heart out style.

Kayla:  Woah... boob job comment and telling you to see someone at the Equality Center... what was that about? That sounds out of line from this end, but I don't know the context.

Brittany:  That was from a fight before. She had said something about why hormones? Just go get a boob job like I did. $5k.  And she said to see a professional. The things that happen when people are fighting. Although, if I do get a boob job, I'm going to that guy. She's shown me her boobs before. They're great.

Kayla:  ... But... just a boob job doesn't (in my garish, clumsy verbiage) "make" you a woman throughout your whole system. I mean, that doesn't do anything but give you some fake boobs...
I mean, that's all well and good, but not JUST a boob job... seems to me you need the hormones to make a full transformation. Am I wrong?

Brittany:  Yeah. And that's why I was all hurt over it for however many weeks, until it came up again later.  I felt like my gender was attacked.

Kayla:  Maybe she didn't mean it that way... maybe she just doesn't understand all the ins and outs of this.

Brittany:  But what happens is, if she flakes or something, I take it way more personally than I should
and it's all thinking this person doesn't love me anymore, blah blah blah. It's not her fault.

Kayla:  Yeah, you have to stop doing that to yourself and others... this thinking people don't care... people react in all kinds of freaky ways to things they don't understand... it doesn't necessarily mean they don't care.

Also, in her defense (just 'cause I just thought of this angle), a lot of women, ESPECIALLY women who are into natural healing, etc., are very afraid of synthetic hormones. Estrogen has wrought havoc on a lot of women going through menopause, raising their cancer rates, etc... maybe this is just her way of showing she's concerned, but without trying to mother you... (I am totally guessing here, since I don't know this chick from Eve)

Brittany:  Well, maybe.

The texts from her after that are short enough where I can just type them.

Kayla:  What are they?

Brittany:  I said something about that I was just gonna pass out with Trisha and wake up the next day with her.
Then, "yay sounds good... all in all i luv you a lot & am pretty confident we will be friends for a long time"
"big big hearts!!"
"but before you go to bed, know i never ever mean to hurt your feeling"
"you & trisha are some of the few ppl i have in muh heart"

Kayla:  Aw... see she DOES love you!

Brittany:  Yeah. It just doesn't always feel that way. Usually feelings like this don't get that complicated, but it's the knight in shining armor effect, I guess.

Kayla:  You're not letting yourself feel it. I believe she wouldn't say it if she didn't mean it. But you can't push people to love you. She will show it her own way in her own time... but you push people and they will run away because then it starts to feel like you aren't loving them.

Brittany:  It's amazing how that affects me when women do it, but when men do it, I almost find it insulting.

Kayla:  When men do what? What do you mean?

Brittany:  The knight in shining armor thing.

Kayla:  Oh... it's a different thing, maybe, coming from a woman? I doubt she seemed condescending to you when she did it...

Brittany:  Which is exactly what she was. Trisha too, but not really until later. And, no she didn't.

I totally love that shit from women. Like, "Yeah. You're my protector."  Which is why I said I almost wished I didn't tell her after the rape. No knight in shining armor stuff would've happened, and the crush probably would not have reached this level. It's like I feel towards her the same way I feel towards Trisha, and it's very annoying.

I don't know if this is making more sense to you.

Kayla:  Ah... possibly (on the knight in shining armor stuff). But, you wouldn't have had the opportunity for this kind of awesome relationship, either. Something about that moment (with Carmen), from my perspective anyway, turned a course in your life. And I'm almost positive it had more to do with you than it did her.

Brittany:  Yeah. And maybe it'll go away with time, so mostly I'm just hanging with Trisha and the girls, and being pretty antisocial.

Kayla:  But you are in such an amazing place now. Don't take that for granted. Maybe it would help you sort some of these feelings out if you could see how you let her help you and how, as much as she was giving to you, you let her give it, you let her in. Which, in turn, enabled you to be strong enough to let Trisha in.

Brittany:  Carmen is totally one of my friends. I love and appreciate her. This is more me than her. I do let Trisha in. It just happened later because we weren't really in touch right after the rape happened.

Something is off here. She and Trisha did the same thing eventually. I feel about the same way towards both of them, but of course I have Trisha. No stress on that end.


Kayla:  You know me... I believe in fate... I think you needed Carmen to get to (to be ready and available for) Trisha... I could be a million miles off, but that's how this situation feels to me.

Brittany:  I don't know. Maybe that's it. Sounds nice, anyway.

Kayla:  But... what's off?


Brittany:  Like I think you're thinking I feel more for Carmen than Trisha , and that isn't it. I totally let Trisha in. Which is why, for now, I'm just chilling with my family here, not really anyone else. Probably won't actually talk to Carmen for a while, but eventually things will go back to normal and we'll probably be fine.

Kayla:  No, no, no.... that's not what I think at all. No... I only feel that maybe Carmen was... sort of a stepping stone to Trisha... and Trisha is the more fully realized complete love in your life... I don't think a relationship with Carmen would ever be as fulfilling to you as Trisha has been and still is... I think Trisha is actually more to you... and Carmen is more a... symbol (without trying to diminish her role here any).

sigh... you wanted girl talk... here you are.

Brittany: She's kinda like Crystal in a way. I don't have a crush on Crystal, but they're my best friends in the world.

Kayla:  Like sisters? Big sisters, maybe (in Carmen's knightly role), but sisters... yeah? That's how I think of my best girlfriends, anyway... like the sisters I never had.

Brittany:  Like if I made it all big with writing and had millions and millions of dollars to throw around, after getting some super badass house for me and the girls, I'd totally like buy a better house for Crystal and Jerry and buy Carmen a house.  Like, "You're great people. Have some houses." lol.

Kayla:  Yep. They're family. I feel exactly the same way about mine.   (for when I win the lottery)

Brittany:  Yeah. Like sisters I guess.

Kayla:  That line between loving and being in love with is always a bit shadowy. Especially when your besties fall under the radar of your sexual orientation.

Brittany:  Yeah. That's how it is if you're a girls' girl AND a dyke. Lol. You like girls & all your friends are girls.

Kayla:  Exactly... and that is one position I DON'T envy you. lol!

By the way... you ever thought of writing smut for money? I hear you can make a pretty penny writing smut. And since it's always on your brain...

Brittany:  Maybe I should do that. There is plenty of raunch in the novel I'm working on.

Kayla:  You totally should.  But, shit, it's 8:00. You know my coach turns into a pumpkin at 8:00 and I've gotta' feed people. Making grass-fed cheeseburgers tonight. So much fuckin' yum.

You got somethin' there with Trisha. Somethin' big if she's strong enough to deal with you crying over another woman. Do NOT ever, ever, ever take her for granted. I'm just sayin'.
(this is a public service announcement from concerned citizens in Brittany's corner)

Brittany:  I don't take her for granted at all. She's my favorite person EVER. If it wasn't for Trisha, I'd have probably left town or who knows what by now.

Kayla:  She better be! She's a fuckin' rock star! I must meet this amazing woman sometime soon. Seriously. We need a lunch date, the 3 of us. One of these days.

Brittany:  Like that "new relationship smell" still hasn't worn off. Lol.
Kayla:  Look, you guys can keep your smell to yourself, ok?  ;)

Brittany:  That's a new thing for me. i think this will last a long long time.

Kayla:  Gods I hope so. It's beautiful.

Brittany:  Yep. Two misanthropes together. It's great.

Kayla:  Anyway, I gotta' go feed peeps! and I'm HUNGRY!

Brittany:  Ok. Enjoy dinner.

Kayla:  I will. You enjoy Trisha. Tell her I said she's amazing.

Brittany:  She said, "thanks for pointing out the obvious." lolz

Kayla:  LMFAO!   Love you guys.

Brittany:  You too. I'll message you tomorrow.

The Obligatory Childhood Post

Since you can't talk about shit like a gender transition without people wanting to know about your childhood, here's a little glimpse into mine...

The first memory I have of feeling female, or at least of feeling uncomfortable with my “maleness” was taking P.E. (physical education) in grade school. They typically had classes segregated by sex. I always felt like an outsider hanging around a bunch of boys for an hour. Dodge ball stands out. What a stupid sport anyway. All I learned was how to throw shit at people. It was ALWAYS girls verses boys. There were other occasional “battle of the sexes” activities. From the time we’re barely developed enough to piss on our own, we’re taught that boys and girls are somehow in opposition to each other. If you’re on the wrong team, you’re very aware of this.  Besides feeling like an outsider, I knew I related with the girls. I wanted them to win, even though I had to be on the losing team for that to happen. I kept this to myself as a matter of self preservation, which I’ve always had a knack for.  Most of my friends were girls. At almost 35, most of my friends are still girls. When I had typical childhood fantasies of being a rock star and that sort of thing, I was a girl. I hung out with my sister and her friends a lot, generally being the only boy.

I didn’t really have a complete concept of all this as a kid. I suspect most kids don’t, but I imagine the Internet helps these days. I just knew there was sort of a discrepancy between how I saw myself and how other people saw me. I remember starting to grow a little bit of body hair at about age 11. Then acne came along. A lot of it. It annoyed me to no end. I got bullied in the 6th grade quite a bit. I was too different from the other boys, and the train wreck that was my acne made it worse. Chased around the playground, spit on, etc. I guess it was fairly standard kid bullshit. That only made me feel that much more disconnected from them, since I apparently wasn’t enough of an asshole to be a pre-teenage boy. I wasn’t really one of the girls either, so I basically became a loner. Being left the fuck alone was as good as it got in the 6th grade.

What you learn to do is hide the things that make you a target just under the surface, which I successfully did all the way through school. When all the 1990s Grunge stuff came along, there was my perfect excuse for long hair & long pretty fingernails. I first grew my nails out at age 14 at the request of my first girlfriend. At least it turned out I have perfect nails. I was happy about that. 20 years later, I have yet to go back to having them short.

Even between high school and college, when my friend Shari and I spent a little bit of time sleeping on park benches near Cherry Street, I hated beard shadow. I might not have always cared about shower access, but I made sure to shave each day when whore bathing in the Java Dave’s restroom. She still has the 13 star flag we stole from some balcony because we needed a blanket. That was 15 or 16 years ago. Something like that. I had one of my better hair cuts around that time. My friend Marta was in beauty school. She gave me this angle cut where it was straightened, about to the bottom of my neck in the back, and as you went to the front, about chest-length. That was free. She was in school. Everyone loved it almost as much as I did. I basically presented myself as a feminine, young gay male. Once I went to college, I decided I’d grow the beard out and such, and attempt to be more masculine, but still identified as a gay male. It seemed like a good explanation for everything. I sort of switched back and forth between presenting myself as feminine and as masculine until well past 30 years of age, before I just couldn’t fake it anymore.

You can only hold a balloon underwater for so long. Eventually you’re going to get tired of it and slip. I got tired of it. It’s a lot easier to live my life when I’m not expending most of my energy trying to hold a big part of it underwater. Balloons are no fun under water anyway. Now that I’m above the surface, although there are still struggles, my life is a lot more fun and a lot more full.

My childhood sucked in the social sense (Family situation was fine. I grew up in a reasonably healthy and loving home). That may explain some of my misanthropic and anti-social tendencies. I’m slow to trust. I don’t leave home that much, as I’ve successfully organized almost my entire life within my home. Thankfully, I’m basically past it. It doesn’t torture my soul or anything like that. People seem to love me more than they ever did before. I have more friends than ever. People seem to take an interest in how I’m doing if I fall out of touch. I have my beautiful partner and our beautiful daughters. Life is so much better now that I just put it all on the table and decided to actually LIVE. Fuck those who didn’t like me when I was a child, and fuck those who don’t now. When you just be YOU and live your life, the people who do love you actually love YOU instead of some facade.